Life, please... no more

[clear_skies]

Just thought I'd pop into this thread and say hi since I'm from Townsville too :) Sorry to hear about the awful treatment you've recieved at the hospital - that's unbelievable.

[SoMuchMore]

*offers hugs* Wish I had some advice or something really helpful to say... Keep trying to fight those urges though. You can make it through. I refuse to believe that your destiny is to not fit in anywhere. Try not to think like that. Things will feel better eventually... I mean, they have to right?

Anyway, hope that you are feeling better today and that you got some sleep.

[Kahlia1981]

clear_skies: Thanks for popping in and saying hi hun. As for the treatment at the hospital, it may be unbelievable, but unfortunately I'm not the only one. It goes on all the time here. It's more the norm than most people are prepared to recognise.

Laura: Thanks for the hugs. *hugs you back* Thank you so much hun.

Sorry, not much to add right now. Just waiting for the Diploma coordinator to get back to me to tell what to do next. I've been advised to wait for him so I'm waiting. And I hate waiting, but what can I do?

Just . . . . . . yeah.

[Kahlia1981]

With the Diploma ... I've been RPL'd through to Stage 6. Right into the meat of the work. Now all my work counts towards the Diploma itself. Not just as preparative work.

I've got a meeting with my disability employment service coordinator tomorrow and I'm going to disengage from the service. Because they [the government] have changed the system, I can only get assistance for about two years now instead of as long as I need to a) get into work, and b) stay in work, I'm choosing to disengage now. This means that if I need the services later I will be able to use them instead of having exhausted them.

I'm following up on what I need to do with the HQCC recommendations. I'm not 100% sure, but I do know that I have legal recourse and also recourse through the State and Federal Ombudsman(s) if necessary - and am unlikely to lose whichever way I choose to go. The cards, in this case, are firmly in my hand.

I let my housemate's mother read the closure letter [from the HQCC] yesterday. She made a really nice statement about the "little ****". She hid the majority of her feelings, but just that statement and the fact that she acknowledged that it was a win showed her emotion. Anything that discomfits [that person] is in the best for any person with a mental health issue and anyone who knows them or cares for them in this city.

The washing line my housemate has put up is working well and means that we can do a full load - and wash sheets. It's holding up well too which is brilliant. We're also going to fix up some areas and paint them - like the area behind the stove and behind where the dryer was - and the best thing is . . . the landlord is paying for the equipment. Mind you, it does add to the value of her property.

*sigh* A new PM this morning. Now personally I have no objection to having a female PM, nor a male PM. I wouldn't have a problem with having a transgender PM for that matter. What I do have an issue with is: not being able to vote for the PM. Mind you I seriously believe that our voting slips should contain a box at the bottom to allow us to vote for a "none of the above" type of vote, if you know what I mean. See, if someone casts a donkey or Mickey-Mouse or whatever-you-want-to-call-it vote and you automatically say "well then we'll say they want whoever is now in office" that's kind of going against what they are saying. Why not give them a chance to say "we think you all are incompetent"?

Meh. Why not follow what Terry Pratchett suggests in The Last Continent and throw all politicians in jail once they are elected?

Sorry, that just irks me. . .

My moods been getting lower for the last few days. I don't know if it's been because I've been getting so urgy for SI and suicide or whether it's the other way around. The mood and the urges tend to feed each other so it makes it so hard.

I keep getting stuck on the lyrics of "A Quitter" by Rasputina.

Quote:

Originally Posted by "A Quitter - Rasputina

I'll be glad to go you see
You don't even know me
Not at all

*sigh*
So true . . .

[mouse in darkness]

It is good that you have now hit the stage where you can do more interesting things in your diploma. I hope your meeting goes well with the dsp employment network.

[Kahlia1981]

so damn triggered right now. fighting off the ed urges and not even sure why i'm bothering. should probably just let myself give in. i could do with it anyway. i have a long way to go on that journey. it would be good for me. definitely the best thing for me. it would make me happy again. maybe even make me a real person again. someone not ashamed to be seen. even make others not ashamed to be seen with me.

damn her. why does she have to do this? she does it all the time. she gives me numbers. how tiny she is in kilos. her bmi. how small she was in kilos before she had kids and how she is "so big" now when she is smaller than most people her age. she has two kids and is less than a decade older than me and she is tiny. and she is always lifting up her shirt to show her "perfect stomach with no stretch marks". always always always.

so why is it triggering me so badly this time? why not all the time?

maybe mood? mood is very low. very very low. i don't want to get out of bed in the morning. i struggle to turn thoughts into words or sentences. i'm barely smiling and i can't laugh. my housemate has noticed. my housemate has commented too. he's commented i've been looking upset at times.

maybe stress? my last assessment for one subject was handed in today. it's creation was very stressful. i looked at my next piece of assessment today. that was stressful too as there was no marking guide. hard to know what they are looking for if they don't say. my housemate even commented that the last assessment "drove [me] up the wall".

don't know. things don't seem right. so urgy and triggered. don't know what to do right now. just ... don't know.

[Kahlia1981]

left the house today because i had to and was a mess. anxiety was so high that it took about four hours for me to work myself up to do it. was crying before i reached the bottomor of the stairwell. before i got the corner of the street (the main road) i was fully in tears. on the walk my brain was playing "good cop, bad cop".

nearly didn't make it to the shops, but i had to go. broke down again when i got back home. just not able to cope. just leaving the house drove me into panic heaven. and i don't know why. i don't know what to do. things are just spiralling out of control.

what do i do? . . .

[Kahlia1981]

so sick of this anxiety. the xanax is the only thing that is keeping me going and i'm freaking out at everything. noises, movement, things where they should/shouldn't be, anything that happens suddenly, leaving the house, having to walk outside the house, even just sitting outside on the balcony now. everything just seems to set me off. i keep getting shaky when i've had to leave the house, or when i've had a minor/major "freak out". i can't keep living like this but i don't know what to do.

can't live on the xanax. but i don't know what the alternative is. i emailed my psychiatrist today but i don't expect to hear back from him. i think i have an appointment with him next week. god i don't think i can wait that long. if this keeps up i'm not going to be able to make it out of my house for appointments soon. my housemate took me for a walk down the street today and he had to keep telling me to breathe and to calm down. it's getting so that i can't go out in public.

i have to go to the doctor tomorrow. the courtesy bus is picking me up but i don't know how i'm going to make it down the stairs. i'm now carrying xanax with me everywhere. i was trying to get off the stuff because i wanted to go on the pain patches, but now i guess that isn't an option.

i suck. my whole life is damn worthless.

[Kahlia1981]

i got an email back from my psychiatrist. he has upped one of my medications. i think my appointment with him is next week and then he'll have a look at things again.

the anxiety is getting worse. i'm trying to leave the house every day but it's getting worse and so is my dependence on xanax. i don't want to be on this drug. i hate it and it is putting me so far behind on what i can take with my pain pills that it isn't funny anymore.

i made it to the gp but i couldn't even talk to him about the anxiety - just the other stuff.

i'm supposed to use all my anti-anxiety strategies, but i've gone so far beyond the realms of normal anxiety and panic that i just don't know how to put them into effect.

i don't know what to do anymoe. at the slightest sounds i want to run away. i jump sky high, i freak out. i can't keep living like this.

my mother came around today. it was kind of good but it was kind of ... not good.

now the adrenaline is just rushing through my system so hard that i don't know what to do.

i'm freaking out - - - - - - -

what the hell can i do?

[crazykat]

*Leaves lots of hugs* I'm sorry things are so bad right now, I wish I had some advice but I don't but please keep going.

[Kahlia1981]

*hugs Kat* - thanks sweetheart. it means a lot to me that you read, and i promise that i will try to keep going.

right now it feels like i am attempting to climb mount everest. i tried to make it through today without using xanax...
i didn't make it.

i got through quite a bit of the day i guess - like until 11:00 am but i was "skittish". i was jumping at every single noise i heard, like

• the neighbours screaming at each other
• the babies in the housing commission places screaming (they are less than a year old and their parents scream at them to shut up when they cry instead of trying to work out why they are crying)
• cars going past on the road
• or even cars just going up and down the driveway
• normal computer sounds
• warning computer sounds
• and various other "neighbourhood" sounds that make up our daily life here.

all i can say is thank f*cking christ the V8's haven't started yet...

i left the house twice today. once to go to toys'r'us to look for a present for my housemate's parents to give to his daughter and then again for dinner. both times freaked the living daylight out of me. the first time my housemate kept telling me to stop hyperventilating. it's so easy when you aren't panicking to tell someone else not to panic - but when you are panicking it's so damn hard to stop. it's like your brain just takes over and goes on it's merry way and won't let you do anything except what it wants.

i'm getting so sick of this anxiety and the subsequent reliance on xanax. it's made my urges towards self injury and suicide so much stronger. i've been fighting both urges today so badly that i'm wondering if it's worth it.

on top of that i'm fighting the eating disorder urges. i've lost a little bit of weight over the last two weeks so maybe i'm on the right track and i just need more time.

i just don't know anymore. maybe i can do this without the negative coping strategies . . . . .

i just don't know

[SoMuchMore]

*hugs you tight* I'm sorry that your anxiety is through the roof lately. Hang in there, you can get through this. Try to do something nice for yourself, even if it is just a bubble bath or something like that.

[Kahlia1981]

*hugs Laura* - thanks sweetheart. it means a lot to me that you have read and taken the time to respond, especially when things aren't going all that great in your world from what i can remember. i really do appreciate it.

i have to go downstairs and hang my washing. i'm waiting for the xanax to kick in so that i can.

i think that i'm fighting a severely losing battle - and i don't know whether i should be or not any more. *sigh*

[crazykat]

I know its hard but keep fighting, you can beat this *hugs*

[Kahlia1981]

thanks kat. *hugs back*

still fighting what feels like an unwinnable battle.

did some basic cleaning today. walked the rubbish down to the bin. well i had to - it wasn't going to take itself down. .... i freaked out. i ran back up the stairs and into my bedroom crying. i cuddled bear (one of my teddy-bears) and sat there telling myself "it's okay" and "i'm okay" until i settled down a bit.

i struggled even just to sit down on the balcony - with the security screen shut and locked - to have my morning coffee and smokes today. it hasn't really gotten all that much better either.

i don't know what's going on. i don't know why this anxiety is like it is. i just wish that it would all go away. soon i'm going to reach a level where i won't be able to cope at all.

i see my psychiatrist this week - i hope that i'm going to be able to make it to the hospital to be able to see him. it's normally hard for me to make it to the hospital anyway, and now with this level of anxiety it's going to be far worse.

i don't know .... i really don't.

[crazykat]

*Hugs Kahlia* No words right now but I am thinking of you, hold on there

[Kahlia1981]

I got up at 3 am this morning. I was freaking about having to leave the house, catch the bus and go to the hospital to see my psychiatrist. By the time I left for the bus I had had 4 mg of xanax.

I did make it. I was jumpy and scared and freaking out but I made it. He talked to me about everything and said that from what he could see and from the way that I was talking it didn't seem to be a mood issue, nor a psychotic one.

He also said that he was going to have to read up on Terry Prachett's Discworld novels ... but that's another story.

Anyway he's prescribed me some beta-blockers. I'm starting on one for two days, then two for two days, then three for two days and then make email contact. He'll decide what to do based on how things are going and then we "formulate a plan" and put that into action for a week and at the end of the week we repeat the plan of the email contact, decide upon a plan, put it into effect etc and then I see him again in three weeks.

In order to get the script I had to catch the bus to a major shopping centre, upon arrival at which I required yet another 2 mg of xanax just to help me deal with a) the shopping centre, b) the crowds, c) both of the above and the fact that it was school holidays *shudder*.

Anyway I put the script in and, with 20 minutes to waste I walked over to the Vodafone store, and got them to send my phone in for repairs as I had previously discussed with the manufacturer of the phone. I had to wait quite a bit to get served there and that was stressing me out as well and required me to (afterwards) nick out for a smoke to calm down.

I must admit that after grabbing the meds and I quickly nicked out to the bus shelter and went home - although I did ring my housemate to let him know where things stood.

My housemate told me I was going to crash. He just told me to make sure that I made it home first. I wasn't sure I was going to be able to, but I did. Thank goodness.

I crashed for about four hours. Now I just have to wait a little closer to when I want to go to bed before taking the new med, although I've already done the traditional "bedtime" medication routine.

I really hope this works. This anxiety is driving me insane ... or up the wall.

I really don't know how much more I can take.

Thanks to everyone who reads this. And thanks to all of you for your support.

[crazykat]

I hope the new meds help and it's great that you have the support of this psychiatrist. *hugs*

[Kahlia1981]

Well it's now Friday. I've developed severe stomach cramps. I did a pregnancy wee test to rule out pregnancy, and the cramps have been going for two days with no more than a little blood passing so it seems unlikely to be a period which makes it more likely to be either an effect from the beta-blockers the psychiatrist put me on or an ovarian cyst passing.

At the moment I'm treating it like I treat ovarian cysts that can rupture. I have a "secret" way of treating them. I don't tell most people, and I'll keep it that way, but basically I'm trying to give my body some resources in case it does rupture if it is one.

On top of that some of my skin where my fatty apron - which isn't as big as it used to be - overhangs has either dried out and ripped, or just ripped and when I was in the shower this morning there was blood pouring out of it. I could barely stand for it to get wet the whole underbelly area was so tender.

Now I'm reacting severly to the cold - just the slightest drop in the temperature and I'm getting extremely cold.

My housemate is extremely concerned. He's made me promise that if this doesn't improve - or if it gets any worse that I will go see a doctor. I really don't want to go. Firstly I hate leaving the house - the whole anxiety thing - but secondly I really don't want to go to a doctor.

Right now I just feel so unsafe everywhere, and I don't trust people very easily and if I'm seeing a doctor I don't know things will be very hard.

I don't know what to do ...

I got a massive pay from Centrelink today .... I got my Education Entry payment and some backpay for PES as well as my normal pay - but at 4am this morning when I checked my bank it was scary. I thought I had been overpaid! I rang them and checked and when they confirmed - I told them I wanted to find out how much I should have gotten but didn't say I thought I'd been overpaid - I nearly fainted.

I also rang the HQCC and had a good chat to them so I know what the next step is in relation to getting my diagnosis and treatment plan recognised by the hospital.

My good, my head feels so out of it right now. It's just spinning around. I really just want to scream.

[crazykat]

I agree please see if the doctor if it continues or if it gets any worse. I'm glad you got an education entry payment, I hope it helps with some things. Hold on there hun *hugs*