I just don't feel comfortable sharing self harm with partner as he will blame himself as I use times he is asleep/out to do it and he can't be there all the time. And I feel.bad enough doing it without that.
He is wonderful but he can get overprotective at times and stopping harming is a choice ai have to make rather than be forced into doing I think.
I bit the bullet so to speak and told him about self harming and about knowing where the blades were and about the two I had hidden and I gave him the two hidden ones.
It took a lot to be brave and tell him and I didn't want to completely but I did. Started by telling him I knew where the blades were and then just kind of let it flow out from there.
It went a lot better than I expected. He reacted much calmer than I thought he would. And was super supportive about it and proud of me for being brave and telling him.
The part of me that feels I need to self harm is freaking out because of the lack of control by giving up the tools and because I now don't have the option if I feel the need to. But mostly I think it's a good thing because I generally try and resist urges and not having easy access to tools should make resisting easier.
It's definitely a good thing, despite feeling conflicted. I am proud of you and I hope you can keep using your own strength and the support of your partner and others to get through this.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Feeling very vulnerable this morning and quite low.
And finding the option to self harm not really being there hard. I say not really being there because if I put a lot of effort in or broke my rule about not harming with things that have a purpose then I could still harm. But I think I do still want to avoid harming.
Was going to build my Lego but don't have enough enthusiasm to do it.
I ordered a few fidget toys last night as I wanted something to keep my hands busy while I try not to harm. They should be here tomorrow. And right now am sitting with my cuddly animals.
Another day wasted because of FND. Sometimes the hopelessness seems real like sure I might have good days (and physically yesterday went alright, mood wise not great), but are they worth the bad days? Because the bad days are always going to come. And a truly good day is far out of reach.
Part of me is regretting I didn't attempt suicide last week when I had planned to. And part of me is regretting giving up my self harm tools. I just want a way out and the one where I live each day to try and get back to wher eI was before asthma flare is a long slow journey, let alone getting to a point where physically I can sometimes do as much as I did before FND. Fed up.
I think there will always be regrets like that, but you don't really know that self harm or suicide would work or really sort anything. Of course you are fed up, having lots of bad days isn't fun. Some things do change though and may continue to change for the better, and you have some support and things hopefully being put in place so please try to remember that. Hopelessness is an awful consuming thing I know. It's not all hopeless though. I really wish you more good days than bad very soon.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
That's true there is a chance I wouldn't succeed in a suicide attempt and would just fuck my life up more. And suicide means you aren't here any more so wouldn't get to experience the relief of not having to deal with anything.
Self harm wise it's not a good thing but it does help in the short term that's why I did it. But the whole guilt Nd hiding aspect not so helpful.
I just guess because things changed for the worse recently and although breathing is improving the rest isn't really. That I am scared of more things changing for the worse.
Like before with FND although there were bad days and good days for at least a year I had been experiencing an overall pattern of slight improvement. And although I am still better than when I got FND I lost a fair bit of that progress and it's going to be a slog to get it back. And when I was in hospital I went right back to how it was at the start and I found parts of being back in hospital traumatic which has left me with more stuff to deal with mentally. It's scary that improvement can disappear that quick.
Plus this last week the one bit of progress I had made during the asthma flare which was getting in to a better waking /sleeping routine has suffered a bit. Had a few days where I have woken up and FND has kicked off so I have had to come back to bed. And a few days where I have overslept significantly but had a few days of going to bed late too or not being able to settle so there is a pattern there at least.
Mental health, physical health it's all massive balancing act and I am ver unbalanced right now. To the point there I just want to give up and table flip.
Well FND wise I made it out of bed this morning and haven't had to go back yet. But in quite a bit of pain from tight muscles. Tried stretching them out but no luck.
Mentally kind of ambivalent not actively down but feeling a bit vulnerable.
I haven't really got a hang of progressive muscle.relaxation. I have tried it but doesn't seem to work. But that could be because FND means can't control the tight muscles properly hence them being stuck.
I don't know what to do for my mental health, because I am not sure what my physical health will let me do. I have my new fidget toys which is helping with self harm urges. And it would be nice to do something positive like Lego but my heard isn't in it.
Have you taken some painkillers? I'm glad the fidget toys are useful. I hope you can find something relaxing, distracting, and enjoyable that you can focus on.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I am scared. Even though logically there is nothing here that can hurt me and noone who would want to. But I cant shake this unsettled feeling. And it really feels like something is watching me and that I am not safe. But there's nothing/noone there.
How can it feel so real?
Last edited by long road : 08-11-2023 at 03:45 PM.
