I have the tablets. I'm going to buy the petrol today. I have the chemicals mixed and I've failed the GP appointment. None of them care to help me and I don't have it in myself to help me either.
I don't even think I can make it until James' funeral on Friday.
I am safe. Well...I am alive. Not sure about safe.
I called crisis last night. They were not helpful. Their advice was to call my CPN today. In regards to my 'care' team right now I don't have a CPN. I told them I had the fuel and I had tablets and a plan...and they told me to call my CPN. How is in anyway helpful?
I told Adam I was feeling low. He told me it'd be okay. He told me he was here to support me. I know this. I'm not thick. I am aware he doesn't want me to be dead. I'm just also aware that he cannot save me...because I'm too far gone.
Right now the only war being fought inside me is between my wish to be here for James' funeral; in order to say a final goodbye, and my inability to survive any more days of life.
I'm just waiting for one side to win; and I'm ready for when it does.
Mmm, I'm sorry Crisis weren't helpful. Did you tell them you don't have a CPN right now? Is there any way you can contact your psychiatrist, or see your GP in the meantime?
You're not too far gone, you're still here, which means you still have hope. I know that you've been through an awful lot recently, and I'm so so sorry for your loss.
It doesn't matter where you come from; it matters where you go.
No-one gets remembered for the things they didn't do.
We won't all be here this time next year,
so while you can take a picture of us.
We're definitely going to hell,
but we'll have all the best stories to tell.
Mhmm...I told them. They said that I can call my old CPN or the one I had before the perinatal team. I told them I tried that but no one would return my call. My DBT therapist is away this week. My old CPN isn't calling back. My psychiatrist is too booked up because of people being off on holiday. I literally have no one. For once I've tried to reach out and no one wants to help.
My GP said he'd book an appointment for four weeks time; usually I see him every week/fortnight. Even he's reduced the amount of time he wants to see me. Gotta be an omen right?
It's not an omen. Maybe he's backed up because of the strike? If you need to see him sooner (and it sounds like you do) then it would be worth ringing up and booking a sooner appointment.
Else, (and I know you probably don't want to do this) it might be worth going to A&E and speaking to someone from the psych liason team?
It doesn't matter where you come from; it matters where you go.
No-one gets remembered for the things they didn't do.
We won't all be here this time next year,
so while you can take a picture of us.
We're definitely going to hell,
but we'll have all the best stories to tell.
I can try to...but he's usually fully booked - he's the MH GP at my surgery.
I know logically I probably need to go to A&E - I know I'm continually telling other people to go to A&E when they're unsafe...I know you guys can't do anything but tell me to get myself safe. I don't even know what I'm asking for anymore. Maybe I just feel the need to make people understand why I'm giving up. I don't know.
It's not an option. I can't do it. I've tried booking an emergency appointment with my GP but they've said he's completely booked and because I've got an appointment in a month and a medical for the DVLA in just over a month then they can't offer me another one if he's booked up.
I have DBT tomorrow morning and I'm really debating whether to go or not. I'm in bad place and it's getting closer to James' funeral. I was in such a bad place after DBT a few weeks ago I really don't know what to do. It's the only time I'm gonna see professionals for a while though.
For now my SH is keeping me alive. The deeper I go...the more blood...the further the suicidal thoughts go. The longer they stay away...we're talking hours not days though.
Would you be able to go to A&E if your partner or someone came with you?
Is your DBT tomorrow one-on-one? If so, would it be possible just to talk tomorrow instead of focusing on DBT?
It doesn't matter where you come from; it matters where you go.
No-one gets remembered for the things they didn't do.
We won't all be here this time next year,
so while you can take a picture of us.
We're definitely going to hell,
but we'll have all the best stories to tell.
DBT tomorrow is only group. I don't start individual sessions til next week. The session might be with my psych but I'm not 100%
I called crisis again. Said they'd call back. Not gonna hold my breath. Said it before. Will say it again. I feel like no one is believing how serious this is so why would A&E? Maybe they're right. Maybe I'm just a whining, attention seeking bitch. Maybe I should just shut up.
Maybe it would just help to see someone at A&E and talk about how you're feeling right now.
You're not whining or any thing, you've been through an incredibly awful experience.
It doesn't matter where you come from; it matters where you go.
No-one gets remembered for the things they didn't do.
We won't all be here this time next year,
so while you can take a picture of us.
We're definitely going to hell,
but we'll have all the best stories to tell.
My head is screaming at me. I am too gone because my head has decided...after James funeral; when my family go home and Adam's back at work it's got to happen. My head is in control...it's even made me delete the number for crisis. I'm not in control anymore. It hates me for telling you that.
I went to DBT today; managed to keep it together for the first part and burst into tears during the break. The rest of the group went back into the room and I said I needed a couple of minutes before I could - it was my original psychiatrist running the group so he came out to talk to me. Told me I need to make myself safe and that I need to get myself somewhere with people. I went back into the group and we carried on.
So I tried calling two of my friends in Worcester and neither of them are available today. Adam is at work until 8pm.
My social worker; the one who was originally involved in my care was asked to call me by the psychiatrist so he did. He told me I need to stay safe. He said they understand that I'm suicidal. Then he said the one sentence that's cemented my plan; 'Well, I'll speak to you again some time'. Immense. I actually managed to kid myself into thinking he was going to be of some support.
So...where does that leave me now?
I have just refilled my prescription, I have a week until I see the professionals again, I have a full container of fuel, I repaired lighter, stolen painkillers and letters/videos to all of my loved ones. I have my sons funeral tomorrow after which my family disappear back home, Adam's family go back to their lives and Adam goes back to work [some days until 9pm].
So...I'm guessing by most peoples standards it leaves me in a pretty unsafe place. For me? It leaves me in a pretty good place - because I can't see how it can go wrong.
Now, I feel some calmness...because I see a way out and I see an end. I can truthfully say I have exhausted every single avenue of support which are available to me and each one has rejected me; just like everyone else in my life ever has. In the words of Rise Against; Something has kept me here for far too long, but you can't leave me if I'm already gone...
Katie, I'm sorry things went to badly.
It sounds like you really need some support right now, and I know it's been discussed before, and you don't seem very keen, but A&E might be a good idea if you aren't able to keep yourself safe (and it doesn't sound like you are).
I wish I could say something to make this less painful for you, and I know that you're finding it difficult with people that are supposed to help not really helping. Please tell someone about your plan - a doctor, or someone.
take care.
It doesn't matter where you come from; it matters where you go.
No-one gets remembered for the things they didn't do.
We won't all be here this time next year,
so while you can take a picture of us.
We're definitely going to hell,
but we'll have all the best stories to tell.
Thank you. My social worker called back again this afternoon...just said to listen to the advice I'd been given before and that he'll call me again after the funeral tomorrow. I guess it's something to say he's back in contact again. Dunno. Also realised it's Adam's birthday next week...me following through on my plan is gonna have so much more impact...I suck as a girlfriend >.<
