I'm off to the Pysch in a minute. I always dread these appointments, I come away feeling worse. I've had a few appointments with my CPN and she'll be there, so I'm hoping she'll fight my corner and make things easier. Must remember what was said up there /\ about it not being a pyschiatrists job to be nice. I'm off the quetiapine now, wondering if she'll put me on something else. Sorry to whinge. I really don't like/trust this woman, her last mistake was pretty damaging, don't want anything to happen like that again.
Its all or nothing
And nothings all I ever get
Every time I turn it on
I burn it up and burn it out
It went alright. She asked if there was anything I wanted to bring up, and I said no, same as usual. Offered me a choice: go back on a lower dose of quetiapine, or nothing, so I chose nothing. CPN mentioned afterwards that we could discuss trying antidepressants again. She is going to chase up the Eating Disorder Team and the Dietican. Have to day I feel like I can't be bothered with all this - I'm miserable, have been for a long time, and part of me just wants them to leave me alone so I can be miserable in peace. No amount of 'assessments' are going to make a difference, and I'm thoroughly fed up of them. Another one on Friday, another disappointment :(
Its all or nothing
And nothings all I ever get
Every time I turn it on
I burn it up and burn it out
I was diagnosed with BPD two years ago. I was put on trileptal, which is an anti-seizure med, but it's also a mood stabilizer. It helped me with the mood swings. I finally got off of it about three or four months ago, but now I feel like my mood swings are coming back. Blaahh.
When I'm on the medication, I feel nothing, I'm numb. But when I'm off of it, I feel intense pain and anger at times.
Never regret.
If it's good, it's wonderful.
If it's bad, it's experience.
Shane - it's hard to know what a normal mood is when you're used to feeling the extremes. talk to people about it and give it some time. maybe it was the wrong medication for you, or perhaps you need some therapy as well as meds to get to the root of the mood swings.
quautia - when i feel low sometimes i walk into town and get a drink and a marshmallow twizzle from Starbucks and i "people watch" or i write in my diary. or listen to music. maybe you could do something like this? or just do some window shopping.
I dont know if this is part of my BPD, but I wonder if people can relate and how do they deal with it. Sorry if it doesnt relate.
I just always fall into the same pattern all the time. Mess things up, people close to me get annoyed, I let people down.
I have a serious problem with getting work or studying. I just cant cope with it. Since 2003 I have worked twice, one 4 months the other 6 days. I lasted half a day at another place and the last one I turned down a second interview. All because I don't feel capable of doing any tasks. When I worked for the 4 month and 6 day period, everyday I thought I was doing something wrong, that I didnt know what I was doing. Worried that I had sold alcohol to someone who was drunk and that something bad would happen. That i was going to get into trouble. Last time I tried work was over 2 years ago and most nights i came home in tears, it was at that time I overdosed.
Now I have been trying really hard to move forward. I go therapy 2 days a week, soon to be 3, still have a year left of it. I agreed to some shop work for 3 hours a week for 3 months. I kept telling myself I will do it. Yesterday I had an interview. As soon as I walked in the shop I felt I couldnt do it. I watched a member of staff serve someone and i automatically thought 'I cant do that', 'I cant cope with that'. I went ahead with the interview, was told I did very well and that they would send an offer in the post. However I really feel like I cant do it.
I really want a life for me, to move forward, thats what is in my heart, but my head wont let me. These thoughts of not being capable are really extreme and difficult to shift in the moment. I dont know how Im going to get past it. People are going to be annoyed with me if I dont do this, which will only make me feel worse about the situation.
Does anyone else struggle with work/study, sticking with it etc?
Random question. My CPN says I can phone her if I ever need to. What does she mean by that? The past couple of days I've found quite difficult - I'm very low, and bad thoughts are back. I'm not in total 'crisis' - I will almost certainly get through this without too much damage. I'm due to see her next week. I suppose I should just wait till then, there isn't anything that they can do, so no point phoning.
Smile - I don't feel capable of doing a lot of things that other people do, and I don't work because I don't feel I'd be able to do it. Logically, I know thats silly, but I just feel like I wouldn't be able to do simple things, despite having done them in the past.
Its all or nothing
And nothings all I ever get
Every time I turn it on
I burn it up and burn it out
if you can get through periods of feeling bad with your other coping mechanisms then that's good, quautia. but you don't have to be in crisis to ask for help. if you feel like it's heading that way it's a good idea to talk to someone sooner rather than later. your CPN said that's okay so it must be, i think you just need to be careful not to over-use it and lose your other coping mechanisms but no doubt you alread know that :)
Im getting a med change.
M psych last time said there was nothing wrong with me an nothin would help. things didnt go to well. She took me off my anti psychotics. I went to my GP who said she shouldnt have done that, put me back on them an shouted at the psych Now im getting the med change i need to hopefully get through this.
Yay something postive.
i was diagnosed with BPD a few months ago and was glad to realise there was a reason why i was feeling all these different and rapid changing emotions and that it wasn't just me being stupid or moody. It can be scary at times even for myself to realise the sudden shift between my emotions. i can be fine then wanting to punch someone or crying and suicidal for a couple of hours then jumping around my house singing. it's definately not something to take lightly so i think this is a great idea that people can go to one place and talk about it
i see my therapist on friday.. monthly appointment, its stupid one hour a month, i've no idea what to say. part of me wants to yell at him and another part wants to beg him to help me. i never manage to do either and i just let him lead the convo's and agree then feel rubbish for the next however long til i see him. this month has been hard as hell but i can see myself not telling him that, or him not caring.. i dunno what to do for the best, even if i do tell him he's not helped before.. :-s
"Its fine.. salvation was just a passing thought."
I have never been so utterly exhausted and frustrated and done with life and everything. I can't do this. ***** Borderline Personality Disorder. I can't do it. I can't do it, I will never ever get over this. I can't make friends because I can't keep myself from shutting them off everytime I decide they're going to leave me. I can't stop myself from being euphoric one moment and hitting rock bottom the next. I am so out of energy to continue this. This isn't okay, or fair. I applaud all of your strength...
It could be some sort of working martyr for my soul searching cause.
As far as I know I was diagnosed with BPD about 8 years ago but I onl found that out when I applied to read my psychiatric notes *very interesting* So it took me up to last year to accept the diagnoses. I just finished another block of therapy but with a psychotherapist this time and it has helped. But now I have to wait god knows how long to get into therapeutic community and I'm feeling pretty unstable not having anyone, altho I do have my psych but he's not really there you know. My moods change just about every hour from being suicidal to being rational and fine. I HATE BPD.
My psych told me when I was IP last year that I have a severe mental illness that can't be cured just managed, do you guys agree with that?
The more I think about it, the more I think I don't have BPD. It just doesn't fit. As far as I can see, I only fit 3 of the diagnostic criteria (self-harm, chronic worthlessness and intense (but not unstable) personal relationships).
If impulses are controlled, do they count? I'm an alcoholic, but I've been sober for 20 months.
On my CPA, it says my problems are depression and eating disorder. Does that mean my Pysch has changed her mind about my diagnosis?
Its all or nothing
And nothings all I ever get
Every time I turn it on
I burn it up and burn it out
My psych told me when I was IP last year that I have a severe mental illness that can't be cured just managed, do you guys agree with that?
x x x x
ummm i'm not sure. lots of people say BPD can't be cured, but don't let anyone tell you it's untreatable because it can, over time, actually be managed very well. hopefully you'll get this help in a therapeutic community (they're great, by the way. which one are you going to?)
there again, i know people who, with time and work, no longer fit the criteria for BPD and can therefore be "undiagnosed" with it.
ummm i'm not sure. lots of people say BPD can't be cured, but don't let anyone tell you it's untreatable because it can, over time, actually be managed very well. hopefully you'll get this help in a therapeutic community (they're great, by the way. which one are you going to?)
there again, i know people who, with time and work, no longer fit the criteria for BPD and can therefore be "undiagnosed" with it.
xxx
Thanks hun, yeah thats pretty much what I think. Its just the local therapeutic community at the psych hospital here its out patient three full days a week.
Now im getting the med change i need to hopefully get through this.
