Hi Katie, just wondering how you're doing?
Is there anyone you can contact right now? It does sounds like you're in-between people, but it's likely you can contact your old team and they'll still help you right now.
Can you talk to your GP about your mediation? Is there something you'd like to try?
It doesn't matter where you come from; it matters where you go.
No-one gets remembered for the things they didn't do.
We won't all be here this time next year,
so while you can take a picture of us.
We're definitely going to hell,
but we'll have all the best stories to tell.
I'm not holding up very well right now. I keep taking small OD's just to feel a little more in control. My ED thoughts are getting worse; exercising more and more and barely eating each day. It's gone past the normal point where I can stop it for myself and now I'm back on the slippery slope.
I haven't heard from anyone recently. My DBT therapist still hasn't called. I've got the crisis number but every time I try to call I just remember how much commotion was caused last time I did and I don't want it again. I don't trust them to just talk to me. I was going to call my old CPN yesterday but she wasn't in the office.
My GP has mentioned about changing medication but he's only put me back on my anxiety medication. I think I need to wait until I see my psychiatrist before they'll change anything. There's nothing specific I'd like to try but I just know the Venlafaxine isn't working and I need something else.
I know small OD's add up and I know I shouldn't be doing it but I just can't seem to stop.
I'm trying to psyche myself up to call my old CPN but I just can't bring myself to do it.
I don't know when I'm meant to see my psych next. My CPN arranged for my psych appointment with the perinatal psych to be moved forward because she was so worried about me...but then everything happened with James and the hospital and I'm transferred to the other team and I haven't heard anything. The same with the psychotherapist.
I can't stop crying. Every couple of minutes I just start and can't stop. I'm trying to write something to say at James' funeral but I can't get my words out in the right order.
I've made another plan and even have a date. I'm scared of myself but I can't bring myself to ask for help.
I realise there's nothing you guys can say or do if I'm unwilling to ask for help and I'm just a whining little shit...so, I apologise.
I am not sure who you are, Katie, because I recently joined RYL, But I am sure from what I am hearing that you rock and are a wonderful, selfless person! I'm sending good thoughts your way and *hugs* I'll pray for you !
Last edited by Ihavetobelieve33 : 18-06-2012 at 09:01 PM.
Reason: Typing Error
can you tell Adam or someone else that you need to call your old CPN, and then have him sit with you while you make the call, at least at the beginning? having someone else there to encourage and push you a bit might help you get up the energy to do it.
this is my magical medicine cabinet. Left to right they contain: courage, hope, calmness, and strength.
The magical part: They NEVER run out, so borrow some any time you want.
My DBT therapist called yesterday. My individual sessions start on the 6th.
I tried calling my old CPN today but she's on anual leave and I asked for the social worker that I've been passed back to and he was in an appointment and said he'd call me back but hasn't. I left a message with my psych but he's just said I'd have to wait for my next appointment with him [even though I haven't been given one yet]. I've got a GP appointment at some point but I've lost the piece of paper he wrote it down on so I have to go in tomorrow to find out when it is. I feel stuck.
I tried to have someone with me when I called but my anxiety when using phones is hightened when someone else is listening. I tried any way but it seems pointless. I feel like this is a time when I need professional support the most with the voices and the planning and James' funeral and the SH and the ED thoughts and everything piling up and it's now that they've abandoned me. I have a plan. A date. The meds stored up. It's all ready. I feel like they've all said 'Well she killed the baby so now we don't have to keep her alive for his sake so let her do what the fuck she wants'.
I guess the is what the end of the rope feels like.
Do you think it would help to see your GP sooner, say tomorrow? He might be able to help you sort out your appointments, and get things in order and chase up the people who aren't contacting you.
A plan doesn't sound like a good idea. Can you tell anyone about it?
I'm sure they're not thinking that honey.
It doesn't matter where you come from; it matters where you go.
No-one gets remembered for the things they didn't do.
We won't all be here this time next year,
so while you can take a picture of us.
We're definitely going to hell,
but we'll have all the best stories to tell.
I went to the doctors to find out when my GP appointment is; Monday morning. I asked if he had any earlier than that...preferably before the end of this week but she said he was completely booked. It probably would help to see him earlier but I can't see another doctor and have to explain everything to someone new and Monday is the next appointment he can do.
I can't tell anyone about my plan. Adam will just worry and he's got enough on at the moment with starting his new job and James' funeral and finding a car so he can get to the new job and about four hundred other things. My parents don't know anything about how I'm feeling; same with my brothers. None of my friends understand when I try to tell them about the planning...they just say 'well, stop planning it' - but it's not like that. It's not a conscious decision...it just happens and once it's in my head nothing will get rid of it.
im sorry ive not been on in a while my internet went down, but its all fixed now. just want to let you know im thinking of you and to leave you big hugs, im here for you hunni anytime.
I went to DBT today and I'm feeling a bit better about it. I don't seem to be as useless at it as I was looking before.
They also said that the two normal therapists are off next week so we've got a different one and my psychiatrist so I might try to talk to him during the break or afterwards if I can get up the courage to.
I've had a letter from the DVLA regarding the renewal of my licence and they want me to go for a medical - which they've never requested before. I'm hoping it'll go okay otherwise I'll lose my licence.
Seriously. What the fuck is all this for? A year ago I had a job I was good at, I was out of debt, I had good friends at work, my family knew nothing about my depression and I wasn't facing my sons funeral in a week. Getting help was supposed to make things better and all it's done is make my life fall apart. I feel like these professionals have opened up all these doors with the promise of fixing what's inside the got bored and wandered off. I am so fucking pissed off at myself and at them. I'd lived my life trusting no one and not letting them in and what do I do? Let my guard down and they act as I expected...abandoning me like everyone else in my life does sooner or later. I have no money and I can't even face signing on or applying for jobs. We own money AGAIN. All I do all week is sit at home trying to ignore the voices screaming at me to go out and run into oncomming traffic. Why did I think it'd be different this time? All I want to do right now is cut my arms to ribbons, overdose on every medication in the house and set myself on fire. Seriously this is all building up too much. I was always described as someone who wouldn't hurt a fly but right now I just want to fatally hurt someone. I'm dangerous and not just to myself any more. Only now there's no one to tell. I've tried calling again and again and no one gets back to me. I don't see how any good can come from this right now.
Not it hasn't helped to vent because this is merely a snapshot of the chaos inside my head. Fuck I want to hurt me/something so bad. Fuck what they all tell you; this life isn't fucking worth it.
Can you explain to the receptionist that it's very urgent? Sometimes they'll squeeze you in if it is.
I'm really sorry about your loss and the funeral. It sounds like there's an awful lot going on right now. Is there anyway that your family can help out with the money situation / planning the funeral?
Can you talk to Adam about how you're feeling right now? I know that you want to SH/OD but it won't make things better in the long run. Who have you tried to call?
It doesn't matter where you come from; it matters where you go.
No-one gets remembered for the things they didn't do.
We won't all be here this time next year,
so while you can take a picture of us.
We're definitely going to hell,
but we'll have all the best stories to tell.
I tried to explain but she said if I want to see my GP I can't til Monday. She really tried.
My family have been helping out with money but because of my brothers and the fact that my mum's retired and my dad's illness they can't afford to keep doing it. Not to mention the fact we still need to find money from somewhere for James' headstone. The planning is mostly done...it's just facing it that's causing the issues right now.
I don't want to worry Adam and even if I do tell him he never knows what to say/do. He just says he'll get me through it but he can't. He assumes I've still got all the help/support from the professionals. At the moment I can't even think about the long run...all I care about is making the shouting and screaming and urges go away. I can't stop picturing such graphic things...dousing myself in fuel and setting myself alight, really REALLY hurting other people. All of it. I tried calling my CPN's again and my psych and even my DBT therapist after group but none of the got back to me. I tried calling crisis but I don't want the police called which is all they ever seem to do when I call. I tried to explain but they just wanted to know where I was so they could get the police to get me. I refused to tell them any more.
I'm sick of feeling unsafe and unstable and so full of anger I'm scared I might actually kill someone. It'd be so much better if I was gone from this world before I really hurt someone.
I am at my wits end. I don't know how else to get support. I dunno...maybe people are right when they say I'm just not willing to help myself. I tried though. I really did this time.
I'm sorry to hear that. I don't know much about it, but the goverment offer help with funeral costs (I'm sorry if you didn't want to talk about it, please let me know). They have information here.
Is there anyone else you could call, like Samaritans?
It doesn't matter where you come from; it matters where you go.
No-one gets remembered for the things they didn't do.
We won't all be here this time next year,
so while you can take a picture of us.
We're definitely going to hell,
but we'll have all the best stories to tell.
Thank you. I will have a look at that page for the details.
I'm talking to Samaritans through email and texts; and have been since about December. They help quite a lot but when things are really building up I can't explain things properly.
hey katie. sorry i haven''t been around. if you become at serious risk for hurtin someone, need to get yourself safe. is there a date set for the funeral yet? *hugs* have a lil lack of words atm but wanted to reply. remember why you've held on so long, find new reasons to, you're strong or you wouldn't be here still <3
Every day the world is made a chance to change but i feel the same.
And I wonder why would i wait till i die to come alive?"
All alone the way she feels
Left alone to deal with all the pain-drenched sorrow relief
Thank you Anna. It's good to hear from you. The funeral is on Friday (29th).
I have no words right now. I haven't slept and my flashbacks are causing me so much physical pain I feel like I'm dying anyway. I have a GP appointment tomorrow but I'm scared if I tell him about urges to hurt someone else I'll go IP or to jail or something.
They def can't send you to jail unless there's reason to believe you've committed a crime; urges to do somethin and carrying it out are different, only the latter would send you to jail.
I can't think of a good way to word this atm. The stress, negative emotions, everything associated with preparing for and dreading the funeral, that will be over fairly soon. Sometimes the days leading up to it are worse in a way than during and after. Not saying of course that the funeral is suddenly going to make you better or anything; but there will be no more dreading it and it might help give you some closure.
Need to be honest with gp, as hard and scary as that is. From what you're sayin, there's not nothin to lose and everything to gain from being totally honest. When you're at the point where you want to give up totally...anything that might help needs to be tried.
You have any meds can take a safe dose of to ease pain/calm down so maybe can sleep?
Every day the world is made a chance to change but i feel the same.
And I wonder why would i wait till i die to come alive?"
All alone the way she feels
Left alone to deal with all the pain-drenched sorrow relief
I was honest with my GP - I told him about wanting to hurt someone else and myself and the uncontrollable anger. He said it was quite normal after losing James; but I don't think it is about that. I told him about going to the petrol station the other night with the intention to buy some and set myself alight. He didn't really say much.
He wrote me a doctors know for a month and said to try to get to the job centre to get SSP.
Told him I haven't heard from my 'care' team apart from my DBT therapist to say I was starting individual sessions next week - he said I should have heard from my psychiatrist before now. Don't know if he's gonna ask them to contact me. He seemed pretty concerned.
Took my medication early last night to try to calm down. Didn't sleep well; keep having nightmares about my ex and about hurting other people and about hurting myself. All of it. Told GP about it too.
Just feel like failed appointment and now I'm not gonna get any help anymore. It feels like they think all of it is because of losing James; but it started before that - that just made it all worse. They don't care and they don't want to help me. Any of them. This is going to end and not one of them cares when.
