I need some help. I have no idea what's going on inside my head.
Am I making this up? Am I schizophrenic? Am I subconsciously just attention-seeking? I don't know what's going on. I hear the voices in my head, that are me, but not me, and they talk and talk, rarely to me, just talking all the time, about teddies and laundry and can't go out in the rain and have to hurt. They give themselves names and tell me things happened that I don't have any evidence for and I'm so scared and confused. I DON'T WANT THIS!
I need some help. The emergency psych services said I'd see someone soon, but that was over a month ago. I've been trying to get psych help since March, and nothing. I just want to give up. Accept that I'm going to just be insane forever.
Ask me mistakes I have made
Ask me whether what I have done is my life
Others have come, in their slow way -
And some have come to help, or to hurt -
Ask me what difference
Their strongest love or hate has made.
I'm finally coming off the mirtazapine i was perscribed for sleep... which was really having some dramatic side effects with me-- feeling lobotomized and unable to think in a straight line and feeling like doing nothing all the time and more mood swings than ever (as well as more anxious manic states).
While I was on them i noticed that in my half-asleep state I would depersonalize very easily, and it was distinctly different than just daydreaming. The dissociated world I would drift off to felt tactile, and abstract, but my mind could always make sense of it. Like looking at a ridiculously abstract piece of art and reading it like a book.
I couldn't sleep last night, still having a lot of problems trying to pull my body together to allow myself to sleep. The same things happen nearly every single time: I'll be very relaxed, my mind is stimulated, flashing imagery and whatnot, all normal. But then as I start to get closer to sleep, my body undergoes a painful pulling from my mind-- normally this part of sleep is relaxing, but for me it feels fearful and makes me panic.
For me, being half asleep is as vivid as being fully awake. So when i start to experience things such as my body disappearing, strong auditory and visual hallucinations, it makes me feel very delirious because they are out of my control.
Sorry I'm kinda rambling, I feel weird today. It's like my observations are "elastic"; as i look from one thing to the next, the previous thing i was looking at still lingers for quite awhile and then slowly fading. The same thing goes for my thoughts. My sense of self feels like a pea in the middle of a football field. My mind is making me have agoraphobia with the vastness which is all in focus as I sit in the middle.
EDIT: One other thing I keep forgetting about (until I stare at something), when i stare at anything I get a VERY strong field of flashing static (far more vivid than it usually is) and I patterns look like they are moving... as if the floor tiles are rippling like ocean waves. My sense of depth is really impaired cuz of this
*hugs* I remember how super scared I was when I had to talk to a therapist the for the first time. It took me 9 weeks to trust him enough to offer him one tiny peace of information without him specifically asking for something.
I'm ok I guess. I don't really have much contact to the part of me that feels emotions much.
You survived the abuse.
You're gonna survive the recovery.
*hugs* Just terrified about the therapy - I don't deal well with strange men one-on-one, and afraid I might freak out and be unable to speak, which has happened before.
Plus really stressed about getting essays in - have 3 due on Monday and I still haven't finished one.
Hope you're alright honey. xx
Ask me mistakes I have made
Ask me whether what I have done is my life
Others have come, in their slow way -
And some have come to help, or to hurt -
Ask me what difference
Their strongest love or hate has made.
I so understand what you going through right now i have gone through a lot over the last few years and it's relly affected my mental health/status. I feel like i'm watching my own movie/youtube video and it's not really happening to me.
Have you ever confused a dream with life? Or stolen something when you have the cash? Have you ever been blue? Or thought your train moving while sitting still? Maybe I was just crazy. Maybe it was the 60's. Or maybe I was just a girl... interrupted.
I know what it's like to want to die. How it hurts to smile. How you try to fit in but you can't. How you hurt yourself on the outside to try to kill the thing on the inside. I tried groups, didn't work out just made my depression a lot worse.
I have therapy tomorrow and don't know anything to talk about, but meh. I'll just see where it takes me.
One time I had to talk to a funny woman at the psych hospital, because they wanted to put me on a different ward. She was so weird that I couldn't talk and I got to go to a different ward.
You survived the abuse.
You're gonna survive the recovery.
*hugs skinnylove, if ok* It's really scary, feeling so disconnected from everything, I get that a lot. Hope you're alright atm.
I had the appointment, but it mainly focused on ED stuff, which, fair enough, is why I was referred to them, but they also deal in trauma. The guy (which freaked me out, but I was able to talk) suggested DBT, but didn't explain much about it. I didn't mention the dissociation stuff. I meant to, but it sounds so stupid in my head when I try to rehearse what I'm going to say.
Anyone have any ideas/even remember how they got talking about dissociation to start with?
Ask me mistakes I have made
Ask me whether what I have done is my life
Others have come, in their slow way -
And some have come to help, or to hurt -
Ask me what difference
Their strongest love or hate has made.
It was a long time ago I posted in this thread, years ago. I see it has also become dormant over time.
An introduction on myself once more. I am Kat, or so is, was, kinda is my name. I am losing identity once more with the name, but that is my name for now. I was diagnosed a few years ago with DID and DDNOS. Lots has changed since then. As I improved over time, so did my head, and I lost myself less and less until it felt like... everybody had died off. But in recent I realise that is not the case, and once more I find myself sensing the 'other side', headaches arising, vision blurring, odd feelings, twitches and almost losing myself all that stuff.
There was once a list of 'people', but that seems to have changed to a more proper, set list of definite names, whereas before it was a large list nobody was sure about.
My (now ex) partner's mother perked up a few days ago at complete random saying that the disorder is 'interesting' and that she had been watching things on youtube. I have NO idea if she knew about me, but I suspect she may have heard something or has a slight hint. Nonetheless, she is out of my life.
So what now?
I am here again. I will not reveal my old usernames - this isn't because I may have done something wrong, but more I rather repel anything of my past on here because, with my memory issues, I forget things, and I do not want to know of my past thoughts as they could be triggering and frightful.
We save no souls, we break no promises.
Travellers, it is late.
Life's sun is going to set.
During these brief days that you have strength,
be quick and spare no effort of your wings.
It's a very long time since we've been on here... Think of you all often.
We're moving forward now to wanting to have a voice and speak up. We're thinking of doing this in a number of ways. We are writing lots and hoping to get articles published, writing a book, and would like to run workshops.
We'd really really love to hear your opinions...
- What would you find helpful? In terms of articles/ a book/ workshops/ forums/ etc?
- Are you aware of any gaps in the market as such?
- Do you think that we should try and approach existing organisations or do you think we should start a new organisation - and if so, what kind?
- Our focus is usually very practical, giving some experience but mainly lots of practical and applied suggestions - would you find this helpful? (Honestly!)
- Anything else?
Something helpful for DID... Hmm. I don't know. Anything could be good but also potentially triggering. Awareness is good, though. I don't know of any organisations. I'm sorry for lack of answers and such but I'm not good at thinking on things.
We save no souls, we break no promises.
Travellers, it is late.
Life's sun is going to set.
During these brief days that you have strength,
be quick and spare no effort of your wings.
I'm in a specialized hospital at the moment where I've recently been diagnosed with DID.
I'm having a difficult time trying to understand things surrounding the diagnoses and I'm finding it hard to separate and define and accept each alter in my therapy sessions and with staff so I thought that maybe this would be a helpful place to hang around for a while.
I've always known it wasn't just me. I knew it was a case of 'us', I picked up on that quite early on but I shunned it and we've always been bought up as one but therapy has hit hard because now it's been picked and poked at and it's all coming apart but as hard and confusing and chaotic as everything is right now, I feel a great sense of relief.
And what is even more relieving is that my mom said, ''I get it now. It all fits''. I hugged her tight.
Anyway, that's a little bit about why I'm here and I hope to be here as often as I can to learn and also to share and support in any way I can although this is all new to me.
HUGE BUMP!!!
People haven't been writing here in AGES!
Come on guys, I need you. Seriously!
I don't have an official diagnosis, because my Therapist doesn't like to make a diagnosis, cause he says that he's treating the person and not the diagnosis.
Anyway, first we thought it was Ego States, but then my therapist noticed that I don't always remember what happened, and then some of the alters came to the front during sessions and now he thinks I'm multiple. As if 'just' Ego States wasnt enough. aaanyway...
We don't know anyone else who is multiple and I don't have any friends who get it (I told 2 of my friends), they just don't understand what it's like.
I neeed to talk to people who are also multiple, because I feel quite lonely even though I'm never alone.
Oh and about the headaches you get when others are fighting to come to the front... I don't get headaches, but I get cold sweat on my forehead when I'm trying to suppress them or stop them from coming to the front. And when there is chaos in my inside world then I can feel that like there are snakes or dragons moving inside my stomach, dunno how to describe that feeling. Does anyone else get that?
You survived the abuse.
You're gonna survive the recovery.
I'm new here and this is my first post. I have never ever spoke about this to anyone in my life and kept it inside of me for 4/5 years since it started. This is really hard for me to say. I started having a lot of traumatic experiences (i wont go into them as this post will get too long) in my life and I started to dissociate and create this alternate world for myself and these people that would give me comfort and protect me from being alone. Stick up for me when someone hurt me. Whenever I get stressed out I would dissociate myself from reality and really put myself in a place where these people would come and help me or keep me company and it would feel real its not just imagination. It's really hard to explain.
I don't want people to judge me or avoid me and that's why I haven't told anyone or dismiss me as just having some weird imagination cos thats not what it feels like. I don't think people truly understand what it's like. But I feel like these people and this alternate reality really has helped me cope with a lot of things. Recently I tried to stop dissociating and drifting away and that is so hard so i end up just feeling numb and unresponsive and depressed. Kind of like I want help again and I want to escape again or I want to be saved. I don't know what this is as I've never ever spoke about it to anyone but this is the closest thread I can pin it to. I'm not sure if I have multiple personality disorder or Dissociative or none of these. But now I'm going through another traumatic experience and I'm going through it all over again. It's making me feel depressed and alone and stupid.
