Probably because you want caring, and the only way part of you knows how to get that is through damage, injury, tragedy and wounding.
I have fantasies about me being very wounded and then rescued and cared for.
I tell my therapist about my fanatasies - as much as Katrina/shadow self will allow me, and sometimes I manage to resist Katrina and tell all.
In therapy we're working on understanding my fantasies, and learning how I can be cared for and supported and understood without my having to be in a bad way.
I was diagnosed with BPD a few months ago as well as having 'recurrent' depression. Treatment wise I am on 45mg Mirtazapine and .5mg Risperidone although I am trying to get these reviewed. I have also just started on a new therapy programme. It is dialectical behaviour therapy which will last for about 14 months, one indivdual session a week and one group session a week. I am very optimistic about it, hopefully it will help me to turn my life around, at least thats the idea anyway!
Its kind of still up in the air as to whether or not I have BPD. I was originally diagnosed at 14 (yes I know, too young according to guidelines), then had a dozen or so other diagnosises thrown my way. The current flavor of the month for me is complex post-traumatic stress disorder, I don't think its an offical DSM diagnosis yet but the purposed criteria have quite a bit in common with BPD (and I fit the CPTSD criteria to a tee).
Does BPD count as a mood disorder? My CPN keeps mentioning about me having a mood disorder, but my Pysch hasn't mentioned that. She only told me that she thinks I might have BPD after I insisted.
Edit - just read the CPTSD criteria, and that fits me completely, apart from the fact that my abuse wasn't 'that bad'. Interesting.
Its all or nothing
And nothings all I ever get
Every time I turn it on
I burn it up and burn it out
i think it's difficult to put abuse into categories of what's bad and what's not. i know it's tempting because i do it too, but there's a lot of factors, from the actual events, to how frequently. a big part of why people get BPD/CPTSD, in my opinion, is to do with how other people responded to their abuse, not just the actual abuse. for me, my abuse wasn't perhaps as serious as other people i've met, but when i tried to tell i was met with people not believing, or ignoring it, etc. lots of people who have been bullied at school can develop CPTSD too.
i don't think BPD classes as a mood disorder, so to speak, although one day that might change. i definitely think it has very impacting mood components, hence the other name "emotionally unstable". i wonder if one day BPD might change from an axis 2 disorder to axis 1, as researchers are beginning to understand that there are biological factors to BPD as well as environmental.
it's definitely possible, and often happens, that BPD coexists with mood disorders. lots of people have a coexisting depressive or bipolar illness.
I believe, from my experience anyway, that borderline pd is a specific kind of depression and anxiety - particularly with relationships. [relationship with self and others.]
I have Complex PTSD [from early trauma, emotional abuse and severe long term bullying, as well as other bits and pieces], but also the attachment disorder component of borderline pd. And depression.
Probably because you want caring, and the only way part of you knows how to get that is through damage, injury, tragedy and wounding.
I have fantasies about me being very wounded and then rescued and cared for.
I tell my therapist about my fanatasies - as much as Katrina/shadow self will allow me, and sometimes I manage to resist Katrina and tell all.
In therapy we're working on understanding my fantasies, and learning how I can be cared for and supported and understood without my having to be in a bad way.
I am the same. ever since i broke my ankles when i was 5, and saw the care and attention that got me, i always wanted to break another bone, or get hurt in someway that would make others listen. Because my ankle was weak after, i often used to twist it, and i used to sometimes exaggerate the injury to be looked after. I sound like such an attention seeker. i probably am. Arrgh. :( Been feeling really up and down the past few days, happy and laughing one minute, feeling like i need to cut the next. i don't think the heat helps either.
Has anyone ever had an issue with thier Pyschiatrist, and did changing Pyschiatrist help?
I don't trust my Pyschiatrist, and I think with good reason after she took me off Venlafaxine cold-turkey. She also doesn't 'believe' that Alcoholism exsists, which I don't find helpful seeing as I'm in AA and very much an alcoholic!
Its all or nothing
And nothings all I ever get
Every time I turn it on
I burn it up and burn it out
i changed psychiatrist! it definitely helped. you have the right to change consultant. it's worth just making sure you don't change professionals too often though because that might be a part of your BPD. but i think you should trust your judgement most of the time, because i imagine your judgement is pretty good.
my CPN did the change of consultant for me and the hospital i was in backed me in my decision. i'm not saying there was anything wrong with the original psych. but after about a year of trying we just really didn't get on.
Thats what I'm concerned about. I did change GP a lot when I first started getting really ill, and I want to be sure that its not just a similar thing.
I get on with CPN and current GP, but I really feel intimidated by the Pysch.
Its all or nothing
And nothings all I ever get
Every time I turn it on
I burn it up and burn it out
Unfortunately, it seems many psychiatrists can be intimidating. Their job isn't as therapist, but rather as medication tweaker - their job is to get you onto the right medication for you. Of course it helps if they're warm and empathic with it. But that's not always the case.
I only saw a psychiatrist, the Consultant, for the 4 initial appointments. We agreed to discharge back to my GP after that, as he explained how another psychiatrist might not be so accomodating of my therapeutic treatment plan - which is minimum medication. And anyway by then I was more or less stable on what he'd prescribed, having got off efexor [it took several months, and even that was hell. Cold turkey? *shudders*] Plus I have the advantage of an excellent warm and empathic GP.
The psychiatrist seemed rather ambivalent about my being in private analytic psychotherapy - he would keep rattling on about NLP and EMDR, lol! But his heart was in the right place. I know that much.
I'm 23. From age of 12 I ve ben aware of a voice whithin me called David. Its always had control over me at times. I got highlighted to psychiatrists when i was 19 due to a rape. They've knw me as a suicide attempter and talking re david. I get commands to kill right through to starve myself etc. this has been on going f what ten years. I was told i have borderline pers a year ago. the only think i match is the suicide gestures etc aye am guilty of that, however am not depressed. explanaion is ve lost control of david.
shrink says david is my imaginTION AND I have the illengince to knw this. my dog when 15 talked to me I KNOW IT DID .
its annoying me hat these people dnt believe me but rattle a sticker the my personality is disordered.
i dnt have reckless impulses. been with partner 8 mnths. dnt feel abodoment. intense rage etc. am a guy that has a controlling person in me and wishs the rape never happened as a wld nt have to be talking re david.
It sounds like you have more Complex PTSD/dissociation rather than Borderline.
You can internalise abusers, and also try to control things after assault/abuse. It's a defence mechanism.
I'm really beginning to think that I have BPD, as many of the traits have been/are apparent in my life. Does anyone know of an effective way to bring this up to my doctor? =s
