Please, please, next time you feel like ODing or ingesting something dangerous, don't. I don't know you, Katie, but the fact that you're worrying about your ex-boyfriend when you're in danger shows what a kind and caring person you are. The world NEEDS people like you. Use your experiences for the good. You can only do this if you stay alive. Do whatever it takes, but please look after yourself, first and foremost xx
I want to reply properly to everyone but I'm just gona quickly update for now. I was medically cleared last night, I have no idea what happened to the blade it's beyond strange, I'm 100% sure that I swallowed it but it's nowhere to be found. Obviously really good news just strange. The only explanation is dissociation. As soon as I got home last night I texted my bf and came round to his late last night. I stayed the night. He's holding up ok. Going to speak to my cpn in a sec. Thanks all for ongoing support and words. Will reply to your replies properly in a bit x
right, I've finally stopped crying. I'm back at the supported living place now.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Fire Fly
Just because it isnt coming up on the xrayed doesn't necessarily mean you didn't do it! it could be in a weird position. Why did you do it? Have you gone back to the supported accommodation or to see your ex? How are you doing? I dont think you would of gone to A&E if you hadnt done it.
I second Beckies point about talking before it gets to this point. You've said that this was meant to be a new fresh start for you. This is a huge opportunity and your'e lucky to have the intense support as lots of people I know have wanted supported accommodation but spaces aren't available. Is there any reason why youre finding it so hard to break free from this cycle?
I'm sure metal would have showed on an xray. It's meant to show up better than bone. But I'm not a medic I have no idea. I think I've been really overwhelmed with the move/everything that's gone on the past couple of months and feeling lots of pressure to suddenly be recovered and self harm free now that I'm here. That in turn has ironically made me want to self harm more. Other than that I'm not sure why I did it. It was an impulsive dissociative thing. I apparently didn't do it anyway. Although everyone is saying that the intent being there was serious, which I agree with.
I am so lucky to have this opportunity. And I'm really grateful for it. I don't really know what my problem is. I obviously have many many things to work on.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Fran86
Please, please, next time you feel like ODing or ingesting something dangerous, don't. I don't know you, Katie, but the fact that you're worrying about your ex-boyfriend when you're in danger shows what a kind and caring person you are. The world NEEDS people like you. Use your experiences for the good. You can only do this if you stay alive. Do whatever it takes, but please look after yourself, first and foremost xx
Thank you <3
My CC, the psych liason guy last night and everyone else has been saying I'm putting too much pressure on myself to suddenly be recovered and self harm free and that it doesn't work like that. I need time, apparently. Which is frustrating because I wish I could be recovered overnight. My CC was saying that if it's not difficult I'm not doing it right. And that it's going to be a struggle. The psych guy last night was saying the same. I suppose I need to put less pressure on myself and I will in turn be less likely to self harm. So I'll try and do that.
I'm freaking out that people are dying. He went to suddenly and my boyfriend found him. It's awful. The thought that I might lose someone close to me like that is making me hysterical a bit. Which isn't my place, this is about my boyfriend not me. I'm going to try and rest.
Thanks again for everyone taking the time to read and respond. And being straight talking. I appreciate it. Sorry again for the unnecessary worry.
If it was as simple as you go to a supported housing place and you're recovered overnight, they wouldn't have 8 month stays! You have plenty of time to work through things with the staff there and your team. No one expects you to just stop self harming, but what is expected is that you talk to the staff and work through your feelings with them.
It's sad when anyone dies, but sadly, that's life and there's no use in worrying about something that's beyond your control.
Resting sounds like a good idea
I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!
Haven't managed to get much rest but hopefully I'll sleep tonight. Not going round to boyfriends cos i can't handle it tonight. Was watching a film in lounge but was getting bad flashbacks and starting to pass out so came to my room. Passing out on my bed is much better than anywhere else! Practically napping!
Going by what I'm supposed to do when I have seizures, I'd say it would be a good idea to just lie down on your bed.
Maybe this would be a good time to practice some breathing/grounding techniques while you're in a safe place?
I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!
Thanks again for everyone taking the time to read and respond. And being straight talking. I appreciate it. Sorry again for the unnecessary worry.
Have you taken responsibility and apologised to the staff at the support living home too? It might be an idea to continue the dialogue you've started and communicate to them that you have an awareness of their feelings and some understanding of how this behaviour could upset them. That might be important for you to do.
and feeling lots of pressure to suddenly be recovered and self harm free now that I'm here. That in turn has ironically made me want to self harm more. Other than that I'm not sure why I did it.
Sometimes we self sabotage in order to feel safe. It's easier to keep repeating old habits than face changes and challenges. Have you tried sitting down and writing through your thoughts on this (in a diary not online). It sounds as though you need to do some serious reflection to stop this happening again, without doing so it seems likely you'll continue reacting to situations in the same way repeatedly.
Which is frustrating because I wish I could be recovered overnight.
'Recovery' or, how I see it, being able to face our feelings, good and bad, is hard. Facing this long journey you're just embarking on is also difficult. Amazing thing is the absolute amount of support you have around you; that is extremely fortunate and I genuinely hope that you appreciate it and utilise it to the best of your ability...not only so you don't miss out on these rest of your 20s running from crisis to crisis, but because so many others would genuinely die for it.
Was watching a film in lounge but was getting bad flashbacks and starting to pass out so came to my room.
Again, I understand you are in therapy but do you do anything actively one your own to understand your triggers, where these flashbacks are coming from, processing writing or drawing of them? I understand there are sometimes points where you can only keep things together but I'm sure there are other times where you perhaps could take a more active role in understanding these flashbacks and also their consequential self harm.
I genuinely hope you take a lot of lessons from this experience; it seems full of them!
Yes I've apologised to support living staff but I don't think they want me to say sorry. They understand.
I'm feeling a bit better today. I slept ok, and have stuff planned for today. Not sure whether I'll be seeing my ex or not but I didn't stay with him last night so hopefully i can be there for him today. My eczema is really bad but that's pretty standard. Hopefully it'll calm down now. I've got a million and one things to sort. Try get started on that today.
I'm ok thanks. Felt pretty horrific yesterday but not as bad today. Started on my mammoth todo list and heading to therapy now. Cooking dinner at the hostel later. Feel like I'm about to pass out (again *sigh*) but will work on grounding. Haven't seen the bf since Monday which I feel really guilty about but have to look after myself I suppose.
I'm glad today is a better day than yesterday. Make sure you don't overwhelm yourself with your to do list. I hope therapy goes ok.
You definitely need to look after yourself before you can help others. I text to let him know you are thinking of him can work wonders for the recipient.
Sorry to hear that :( Is there anyway you can carry a card/badge that says you're likely to pass out and don't need to go to hospital? It seems like you end up being taken there even when you don't want/need to.
I always end up there! Yeah I've thought about that but not sure that a) I would be able to fit an explanation on a badge an b) it would actually stop them from taking me to hospital. They always insist even when I'm conscious which I don't really understand, well I do I suppose you can't leave a girl who's having panic attacks and passing out alone in the street, but what do you do with her when she doesn't need hospital?!
