It was my CPN who took it but she said it was to dispose of it.
I have a GP appointment sometime next week so I might see if he's able to prescribe something else.
I just feel like there's an itch inside that I need to take something to stop it. Something building up to something so much worse.
x Katie x
i've got no words left, i'm sorry katie. i'm sorry you're struggling and hurting so much. you are strong, even when you don't feel like it. being strong doesn't mean you're perfect; means you get through incredibly hard situations, which you've done again and again, and can make it through this too. thinkin of you. *leaves hugs*
Every day the world is made a chance to change but i feel the same.
And I wonder why would i wait till i die to come alive?"
All alone the way she feels
Left alone to deal with all the pain-drenched sorrow relief
who do you feel has abandoned you? the professionals?... if they are taking a while to respond, it doesn't mean that they've abandoned you, it probably just means that they are busy, or closed the office for a day or something.
this is my magical medicine cabinet. Left to right they contain: courage, hope, calmness, and strength.
The magical part: They NEVER run out, so borrow some any time you want.
All of them. Professionals not got back to me after a week and half. Went to finish it earlier...took all my pills and all my tools and went up hills where no one goes for days on end - called crisis while there...they said I hsd to tell them where I was so they could send ambulance and police...seemed counter productive to me so I hung up. Guess must be some fight left seeing as I'm still here. All my friends have said in the last fortnight 'I'm here if you wanna talk or need anything'...three times I've reached out over last few days just to be shot down again. I wanna be gone...I wanna be with my baby boy.
I still haven't really been able to call crisis...my head starts screetching at me if I try. I didn't take the pills though I had every intention of doing so.
Heads a mess and not mking muvh sense.
Adam's trying to drag me to see my old cpn today to find out who is on my care team but I can't face them.
Hey Katie. some part of your head is making sense, as you didn't take the pills <3 Thats the part of your head thats right. Let Adam take you hun, you need your care team in place.
Every day the world is made a chance to change but i feel the same.
And I wonder why would i wait till i die to come alive?"
All alone the way she feels
Left alone to deal with all the pain-drenched sorrow relief
Trying to listen to the right part of my head. It difficult but trying.
Didn't let Adam take me to see my old CPN...couldn't face them. I know I need to but I just feel like they've all decided that I don't need support. I've got a GP appointment on Monday so I'm gonna try to speak to him and see if he can find out what's going on with them for me.
I've applied for a job today; trying to get life sorted. Not sure I can face it right now but something's got to change.
GP appointment tomorrow...really struggling to psyche myself up to tell him how things are really going. Scared to reach out and get no help in return. My head is even louder now...everytime I try to arrange my thoughts to make sense for tomorrow it starts screaming so damn loud. How am I meant to shut it up enough to talk tomorrow or write it down to give my GP?
I've harmed more today than I have in months and I'm so damn pissed at myself for it...like I need to punish myself for it...but I can only do that by cutting/burning more/ODing/purging. I know it's wrong but I deserve it.
Things are building up in my head again. GP barely helped. Put meback on anxiety meds...all that means is that I have more dangerous meds to od on. If I have another day like last thurs nothings gonna stop me this time. ED thoughts are screaming....exercise more...eat less...purge....thinner...lighter....blah. All the urges are oh so stronger. Not to mention I read on here something which triggered the fuck out of me and I can't stop thinking about doing it to myself...fuck fuck fuck. I'm fucked. I'm alone and my anxiety is so strong right now I can't even call crisis. We have to go to the hospital tomorrow to meet the chaplin to arrange James' funeral...I can't do it. This is too much. It's one fucking funeral too far...help?
i don't think there is anything i can say to make this better. not anything that i haven't said before. i'm here if you want to chat though. you can make it through this. take little steps
this is my magical medicine cabinet. Left to right they contain: courage, hope, calmness, and strength.
The magical part: They NEVER run out, so borrow some any time you want.
Don't have anything thats gonna make things better for you right now, but I wanted you to know I'm thinking of you... & I'm here if you want to chat, day or night.
I'm soory to post again and I know there's nothing anyone can really say but I just don't know what to do. I feel like my hearts being ripped out...I'm 23 how did I get to the point of planning my sons funeral? How has it become that it's the seventh funeral I've had to help plan in 6 years? How do I go on. I've stolen my friends mums prescribed painkillers so now I KNOW I have enough...I don't know where to turn. I'm sorry. I'm pathetic I know.
ok, Katie, you need to give the painkillers back. to keep you safe, but also because your friend's mum was prescribed them for a reason, and probably needs them herself.
you got to this point because life isn't fair and bad things happen. and you will get through this because you are strong.
this is my magical medicine cabinet. Left to right they contain: courage, hope, calmness, and strength.
The magical part: They NEVER run out, so borrow some any time you want.
They are old ones...she's in hospital now and we were meant to drop off all the unused medication but I kept these. Bleh. Don't even know why. Well, obviously I do but...I know it's wrong. I feel safer having them though.
I spoke to my DBT therapist today to find out who's care team I'm in now and she said she was going to see me for individual DBT lessons and someone else is going to take over from my perinatal CPN. She said she's gonna call me in a couple of weeks to arrange starting individual DBT sessions...so I still feel in limbo without any support. I don't even know when I'm meant to be seeing my psychiatrist again. I need to change my medication...I've been on these for so damn long and it's still not helping. My GP is concerned about my SH - he called my psychiatrist about it after my appointment this week but they still haven't done anything about it or made me an appointment. I'm letting my ED thoughts get back into my head; I don't want to be a whale like I am - I don't want people thinking I am still pregnant just because I look like it still. It hurts too much to see myself this big knowing James isn't growing in there. Exercise. Restrict. Purge. Lie. Repeat. Bruise. Burn. Cut. OD. Around and around in my head. Over and over again. Going crazy and now it's too late to stop it again. It's like a landslide.
