The psychologist in my CMHT had a similar waiting list, but I've managed to get an appt with her next March because I was put forward as "urgent"; perhaps you could ask if they could do the same for you?
PM me if you want a PDF copy of the ICD-10or the Mental Health Act 1983/2007. I ALSO HAVE THE DSM-V BOOK and am a pharmacology student.
I have a visual impairment / neurological problems so I need people to type in clear text and no funny fonts. Also excuse any typos, my vision blocks things out.
I have autism and have problems communicating, PMs included.
Just becasue I type well doesn't mean I speak well. I am only part time verbal.
i just wanted to say thanks very much for the thoughts and hugs.Means a lot and sorry ive not been about to read this or support others much recently.im sure ive probably already got the help i need really.i probably just need to learn to use it better or maybe there really is no hope for me.Shouldnt need more.Should be able to cope anyway.Thanks for being there.
i do not always manage to be around but i wish you all the very best - love and luck to you all!
*hugs*
There is hope for you hun. I'm going to quote you now and say that there's always hope while you;re alive.
I'm so proud of you for going to the appt with the psych, really am.
x
See I cannot feel this, not matter how you try and in the real world, there's no goodbyes.
So i went into town today to try and get a book the psychologist had recommended for me about Living with Fear.
i didnt find the book but in a national high street store i instead [while searching through the books in the self help section] came across a book i had seen on the net previously but had never had in my hand before.....
.....It was about assisted suicide and included detailled practical methods for making a 'good death' for somebody who is terminally ill.
i had wanted to buy that book before and now this has just brought it all back.
Its not so much for the methods i dont think.i know i overdose on huge amounts of pills daily but we all know i wouldnt be brave enough to finish things off properly and totally dont we....oh yeah cos im a chicken.i couldnt do that but i almost want to drive myself to.But no i couldnt do that.i couldnt.Its very different to what im doing right now isnt it.Right?i couldnt.What am i thinking?
And anyway we all really know how to take our own lives if we feel we want/need to.
But for some reason i think that having this book there for the practical methods would be comforting to me somehow [even if i let the methods mean nothing], it would be comforting somehow that i have it, that i have them but even more so than that perhaps emotionally it would be important to me even if the methods meant nothing.......it would mean to me that i would be less alone again with wanting to take my own life.
i would never want anyone else to want to go ahead with taking their own life or indeed to feel how i feel but i need not to feel alone.
im sorry im selfish.
And i must be such a bad person for even considering buying this book.
For maybe even wanting it.
i must be, i must be....
You can all think bad of me now though you should have already.
im sorry.
i do not always manage to be around but i wish you all the very best - love and luck to you all!
you're not a bad person at all for wanting the book but i don't think it'd be a good idea to buy it. like with me, buying pills soemtimes makes me feel safe but usually iot just puts me at more risk , and i think it would probably be the same with you and the book. that they're even allowed to sell the book i think is horrible, given that assissted suicide is illegal, but oh well. sorry you didn't find the book you were looking for - did you ask them to order it in for you?
Thanks again so much for the support.i know that your right.Obviously im just tempted though.i dont even know why really.Well apart from what i said above.But i guess im just stupid though really.Nothing makes sense or is the way it should be with me anymore.Other people would go out of their way to avoid this book.......except me.Not only dont i go out of my way to avoid it i un straight into it......and am even tempted to buy it.
You know i nearly did.i nearly took it up to the cashier and attempted to pay for it.i really did.It almost didnt matter to me what their reaction might be, how they might react or something.i was nearly gonna do that.
Gosh i must be bad.
No i didnt ask them to order the other book for me.i was too focused on the other way by the end of my visit but will probably try get it online anyway.Probably be cheaper and less embarrassing and quicker knowing out bookshops lol!
If i do though i know im gonna be so tempted to order the other one too....even though i know deep down it wouldnt be good for me right now.....and i dont know why i feel the need for it, though maybe somehow it would be a comfort but apart from that i really dont know....know i might not be too chicken to order it online without having to face the cashier [in fact would find it quite easy as i do a lot online!] but i dont understand why if id never have the guts to do anything in there.
i dont know maybe its something to do with just having it there or the stuff i said above.............but i know that getting my hands on this really wouldnt help me right now.
But on the negative side i guess i think that it would make me feel that i should pressure myself to try other things apart from the daily overdosing i already do.
i also think it would again make me feel like a failure at suicide and that again would add to the pressure with the book.
But then maybe those arent bad things and maybe they are what i need right now even if i used nothing from the book maybe at least it would make me move things along more right now.i am in a lot of emotional pain [not great physically either cos of the tablets but i must be punished/suffer] and i need this to be over.
im not sure where im going with this.i just know whatever happens im a bad person for even having these thoughts and for who i already am.i think maybe apart from that im just totally muddled.
im sorry for wasting everyones time.
im not sure where this is going.
i do not always manage to be around but i wish you all the very best - love and luck to you all!
By the way it was a USA book on assisted suicide [not the one about Fear that the Psychologist suggested to me! - that was UK as far as i know].Wasnt written over here.i only know that cos of the research i did a couple of years ago when i was tempted to buy it then before i forgot.
i dont know how it found its way to my local bookshop.....but understandably i do think a lot of things written in the USA are sold in the UK these days.And im sure it probably happens vice versa there too [maybe!].
i feel like such a bad person and im so confused cos of this and all that is going on for me right now.
But it makes me feel really bad about myself.
Worse than i already feel!
i am muddled and struggling....i think.
im a bad person.
Whatever i do now im a bad person.
But then irrelevant of the book thats just how i am.But it does intensify the feeling somehow right now.Its another thing which shows that im bad.
Last edited by Sleepless123 : 03-03-2009 at 12:46 AM.
Reason: To change/add a bit!
i do not always manage to be around but i wish you all the very best - love and luck to you all!
Hugs. You're not selfish nor are you a bad person. To me, you're a saviour.
PM me if you want a PDF copy of the ICD-10or the Mental Health Act 1983/2007. I ALSO HAVE THE DSM-V BOOK and am a pharmacology student.
I have a visual impairment / neurological problems so I need people to type in clear text and no funny fonts. Also excuse any typos, my vision blocks things out.
I have autism and have problems communicating, PMs included.
Just becasue I type well doesn't mean I speak well. I am only part time verbal.
Sorry for bringing this thread up again peeps but i see my CPN later today and im panicking.i dont know what to say to her.i cant say the psychologist said to go back to the NHS cos they should be giving more support.i cant say i have barely any memory cos of the tablets.i cant say im falling asleep/losing alertness/consciousness at odd times cos of the tablets and not waking up for ages.i cant say im so poorly short things tire me out and that i strongly even to make sense and configure sentences anymore!i cant say all that!i cant say that he said i should be under the crisis team or in a psychiatric hospital!Its too late for me and its too scary to say all that anyway [even to think about it] especially when i cant accept physical treatment and when a few years ago a crisis team elsewhere threatened to section me.i cant tell her that and i certainly cant tell her all this when i still cant accept physical treatment yet and am still not sure i should be alive or am going to live.
As i said in my letter earlier in this thread i dont feel entitled to ask for more support from the NHS.i shouldnt be entitled to it.Not when things are like this.What do i do?i feel like im literally physically dying.i know ive felt it for a while now but i feel it more and more.im know its what part of me wants and what most of me NEEDS but NEEDING TO BE DEAD DOESNT MEAN THIS IS EASY!im sorry no one has to answer this.Proabably doesnt make sense and is just my night time ramblings and panic and just getting my PATHETICNESS out.
Last edited by Sleepless123 : 12-03-2009 at 04:59 AM.
Reason: To change/add a bit!
i do not always manage to be around but i wish you all the very best - love and luck to you all!
*hugs* You're not pathetic sweetheart and you do deserve support. I've got to go out now but I'll reply to this later on. I just wanted you to know that I've read and I'm thinking about you *hugs*
Sometimes the way in life seems cloudy...But remember, after the storm comes clear skies
Thanks but dont worry about it hun.Cos its my appointment today shes decided to go off sick again.Yeah i think its trying to tell me i should f*****g die.im already only being seen once every 3 weeks.Are people trying to take the mick?im overdosing daily and the CMHT cant see me.im taking literally hundreds of tablets in a week.That might be totally my fault.But i dont think the standard of care here is at all acceptable irrespective of if i want to live or die.Well at least the tablets are my friends.Good job i just brought some more.They dont reject me.They dont treat me like this.They dont treat me like everyone else.They dont leave me on my own.They dont say they are gonna be there and then not be.They dont tell me im worthwhile then treat me like a piece of blinkin poop like the rest of the world.They dont take the ****.Maybe all this is a good thing really in a way.i can get closer to my death and thats what i really need.None of this distraction stuff about getting better.Maybe its positive....and meant to show me the way.
Last edited by Sleepless123 : 12-03-2009 at 04:00 PM.
Reason: To change and add a bit.
i do not always manage to be around but i wish you all the very best - love and luck to you all!
*holds you tight* i'm not sure i have the words, but i don't want you to push yourself further away. i think it's good you're angry, it shows you still care, that part of you knows things aren't meant to be like this. that is the true part of you, please listen to it if you can xxx
PM me if you want a PDF copy of the ICD-10or the Mental Health Act 1983/2007. I ALSO HAVE THE DSM-V BOOK and am a pharmacology student.
I have a visual impairment / neurological problems so I need people to type in clear text and no funny fonts. Also excuse any typos, my vision blocks things out.
I have autism and have problems communicating, PMs included.
Just becasue I type well doesn't mean I speak well. I am only part time verbal.
Hi thanks both of you.Means so much.Even just to hear your there and i mean it.It may be stupid of me but just to know someones there means so much to me right now i cant even put it into words.So thank you.
And everyone sorry about the above post.i wrote it when i was really upset.i know i should be used to dealing with things like this by now especially small things but it really unsettles me and its stupid.
i do not always manage to be around but i wish you all the very best - love and luck to you all!
PM me if you want a PDF copy of the ICD-10or the Mental Health Act 1983/2007. I ALSO HAVE THE DSM-V BOOK and am a pharmacology student.
I have a visual impairment / neurological problems so I need people to type in clear text and no funny fonts. Also excuse any typos, my vision blocks things out.
I have autism and have problems communicating, PMs included.
Just becasue I type well doesn't mean I speak well. I am only part time verbal.
Sorry but this is the health proffessional side of me. Have you had a blood test lately to test your liver function or kidneys?
I can understand why you are self harming but am just worried about all the damage you may be causing to your body, especially the organs that have to metabolise and excrete all these drugs.
I know you prob dont want to live anyway, but was just thinking if you this test done, and it shows some kind of damage (which there is a high likelihood there is) then the CMHT might be more willing to help you, because you sound like you need and deserve more support than you are getting.
