I don't know what I can say that can help. I am glad you were honest with her re using burning instead. The thought of handing over my "tools" would scare me half to death so can imagine what that is like, it's my way of control.
Did she explain why she wanted you to do so when you aren't ready yet or do you feel ready to do so? See, my psych and cpn are encouraging me to get my sh back under control and it is much better than it was but until I have another coping mechanism strong enough to cope with things that I need it to, they aren't expecting or asking me to stop.
It's good that she will call the crisis team for you though!
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
I know handing in your tools is scary, I had to do it yesterday and I feel lost now. But anything that delays you harming is good. Your therapist sounds like she is being very honest with you which is good and it won't happen overnight I think chipping really is the way to go.
Sorry you didn't get to see your social worker, do you have the option of calling the crisis team if you need them? Hopefully it will help seeing him tomorrow.
Take care rowie xxx
"Because you don't notice the light without a bit of shadow. Everything has both dark and light. You have to play with it until you get it exactly right."
after she chips away, do you try and rebuild the walls?
if so would it be more useful to picture a beatuiful curtain or wall hanging to cover the 'damage' to the walls, to make you feel safer, and to make it look pretty inside your head without you feeling you need to try and repair?
mand x
Mand, South Wales, Full-time working, single mother to 2 scarily independent girls.
I AM A PROUD PLUMERIA SISTER
Oh hun, so sorry, I'm being irresponsible and using drink to make myself feel better however, I wanted to reply now because you have been so great and wise and kind recently to me!
You sound like you need some extra help right now; as much as I hate to admit myself and you probably do so too, the crisis team can provide it. Yeah, it's a little hit and miss and a little rough and ready but it is some extra help. Didn't you say your therapist would call the crisis team on your behalf? Is this something you could perhaps consider? It sounds so difficult for you at the moment, I can't imagine.
I've described feeling as you do loads recently and you have been so helpful. It isn't fair or right for someone to go through this but neither is it permanent. It is becoming raw and difficult because you are getting down to the nub (?sp) of things. You are going from relying on self harm to scary new coping mechanisms instead and it is understandable that you have a "wobble".
You are so special and worth so much. I want you to tell them how it is. If it means telling your hubby how difficult things are at the moment, please do. This is temporary.
I think you are absolutely fantastic and have no doubt that your family do also. You are so special and need to remember that and hold on to it.
Take care!
*hugs*
pm me anytime you would like
Love Carrie
xxx
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
she speaks the truth! and much more eloquently than i could put it.
is there any kind of treatment you would allow yourself to take/do for your arm? what if you were to see a nurse to dress the wound for you? then it's not *you* and you can tell yourself you don't have any choice in it... if you could make yourself believe that, then you might have a chance of getting your arm better.
mand x
Mand, South Wales, Full-time working, single mother to 2 scarily independent girls.
I AM A PROUD PLUMERIA SISTER
hun, who says no-one is allowed? the rowie that wants to get better? or the part of you that would just love to clack up and down the back garden in your mummy's shoes and will throw a tantrum if not allowed?
letting them in can help you feel more in control. if something says you're not allowed - tell them to f off - you're doing it anyway sort of thing.
love u, need to go put my head back down the toilet.
mand x
Mand, South Wales, Full-time working, single mother to 2 scarily independent girls.
I AM A PROUD PLUMERIA SISTER
If you can, try to nurture yourself tonight. Feeling alone is a horrible feeling but try to allow yourself to comfort yourself. Reach out to your husband for a hug if you can.
Sometimes the way in life seems cloudy...But remember, after the storm comes clear skies
I can really relate with a lot of what you're saying and what you say does make complete sense, at least to me.
Is it really that you want to be dead, or is it just that you don't want to be like this anymore?
You're not a failure at all Rowie. You've been doing really well. Could you maybe get your husband to go with you for a short walk? Not now, but maybe that's something you could try to do tomorrow. Even if you don't manage to do it four times this week, maybe you could try to do it once. I do appreciate it's very scary though.
As much as it would be tempting to go to bed now, you might find it helpful to write down your emotions.
Yes you are depressed but to be honest, I don't think it really matters whether it's an excuse or a reason. It makes it harder for you to do things, but you can still fight against it and do things to try and beat it. It's not easy by any means but you can still try (which I know you are).
You are not bad Rowie, I promise you that. Neither do you need to harm and you don't deserve it. I understand you feel like you do but I assure you, you don't. Taking your meds and bed sounds like a very good idea for now.
Thinking of you *hugs* x
Sometimes the way in life seems cloudy...But remember, after the storm comes clear skies
there's a theory that any physical illness can cause mental bad feeling.
lack of nourishment, for example.
in your case, could it be that the infected arm is so bad now that it is actually making you feel worse? i'm not saying it could be the only factor, but maybe if you got it better your mood would lift accordingly?
mand x
Mand, South Wales, Full-time working, single mother to 2 scarily independent girls.
I AM A PROUD PLUMERIA SISTER
