I would love nothing more than being to tell her but I need to stay strong for her at the moment and maybe think about telling her in the future. The problem is, if you tell something to someone, someone else will find out and so on. I just want to hold her tight and keep her safe.
When my mum left, my sister left to live with a friend shortly after (but we have been in good contact for years now). I didn't know why she left as although I remember alot of s**t from when I was young, I don't remember this. A good family friend told me that she left because it was breaking her heart listening and comforting me (Age 8) and my younger sister (age 2) cry ourselves to sleep at night. She did that for me then and now I want to help her in exactly the same way. They all think I am weird and don't understand me but she is the least judgmental. When I told her re mh services the other week she just said that I was only human and that it was nothing to be ashamed of and that she wasn't going to tell anyone.
Sorry, part of my rambling is due to everything in my head moving so fast, I don't know how to slow it down and there feels as though there is too much in there.
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
I hope people don't mind my constant ranting. Trust me, there's a whole lot more scary stuff in my head right now.
I think I have slowly given up control of my mind and other things are taking over - the depression, bad thoughts etc, too tired to keep going. Don't understand why I should.
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
You keep going becasue that's what we do. We keep going... almost to spite that bad feelings... like to say to them "event hough you're hurting me.... i'm gonna keep going to piss you off"
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
Do I really want to? I know they all hate me. I am feeling the depression become worse again but they don't believe me really, do they.
About 6 weeks ago when I was in A&E after being found unconscious (through drink) in the road, I was sobering up and heard the head nurse of the Crisis Team talking to an A&E nurse, he said:
"Some of them you get on with, others you find irritating, she's one of them".
See, even someone whose job it is to deal with awkward people like me cannot stand me. They just don't get me and I don't get life. I'm a mistake and have fought for long enough.
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
heeeey, some nurses suck ass. i've had good and bad ones... it goes with the territory! and when you've been doing something for a while... well sometimes it gets on top of you. *cuddles* never take what people in emergency situations say to heart... becasue it could mean anything! *cuddles*
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
I'm finding that I'm in that stage where I am around people and listening to the conversations etc but at the same time I am within my head as if I am watching. Sorry, that sounds stupid.
Re-arranged visit from CPN for next Fri but when I got off the 'phone, it hit me - why do I even need to see him? It's not as if anything has changed. In a way, it's just false hope. If anything, each time I fall, it takes longer to get up and I feel less able and want to less. Again, that prob sounds stupid.
I was walking to collect some packages from the Post Office the other evening. To get there, you have to go across a level crossing. As soon as I saw it in the distance I had to fight the thoughts telling me that I should just get on and do it - go on the track when the barriers are down and be squished by a passing train.
I am cutting more frequently again and am have urges to OD.
I wanted to try but now can't. I have no energy, no will. I'm wthdrawing into my head which is becoming noisier and noisier.
Sorry, another random rant and without alcohol (or rather, without copius amounts).
Last edited by ThinkingofRecovery : 08-08-2008 at 11:14 PM.
Reason: numpty errors
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
They're shouting and fighting and throwing things etc next door. All I can think of is my sister and what she must have gone through the other week. The panic is rising. I can usually control it but have had a couple of full blown panic attacks recently (before that, I hadn't had a proper one since November as I can usually nip them in the bud early). What if my sister's husband goes back to her house to "finish her off" as he has said? I should be there to protect her but can't get there tonight. What if he comes back to me in the night again? I know he isn't really here but he looks real and talks to me.
Not another night like this, please. I don't want this. It reminds me of the fear from when I was younger.
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
I'm pathetic, oversensitive and an idiot. It's not as if my sister's husband trashed my house and dragged me out to a car and proceeded to push me out of it whilst it was moving at speed. I want to stop these bad things happening and I can't. What is the f**king use of me?
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
Thanks Alive. I think you're right about me re-living it for my sister but I don't why as I wasn't even there. It's kind of scary. Last night was actually OK though - I don't think he is coming back now, I reckon it was just that first week when it had happened, it was just screwing with my head. He still invades my thoughts but I can cope with that.
I was supposed to be going to see a film and have a meal out with my housemate and her parents tonight but I pulled out last minute. I just feel so down and don't have the energy to pretend otherwise.
I ended up sleeping this afternoon which I know is stupid because I don't sleep at all well at night at the moment and so should stay awake in day but was so tired and partly hiding, if that makes sense.
Sorry to keep posting and moaning.
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
Keep talking to us. I'm reading and listening. Nothing else to offer though, thanks.
My husband is my best friend.
In forgiving others, we are not exonerating them. They may not deserve exoneration. Rather, in forgiving others we are giving up our anger over the fact that what happened is not what "should" have happened or that our life is not the way it "should" have been.
sometimes it's better to post even if people don't have words! *hugs* reliving it is a ... sympathy thing. Not a good thing. Sympathy is never good. Empathy is good. I feel sorry that you're going thorugh this. Not I feel sorry for you. You need to give yourself a stern talking to :P Let yourself know that it IS okay to be sad for your sister and what happened but it's not okay to let it consume you. YOu're not doing yourself any good that way! You need to get out a bit more, when you sit inside all day when you're not working it just gives you time to dwell. When I was really down and just... had so much trouble forcing myself out of the house I got worse. It's a vicious cycle really becasue you feel bad and you don't go out and then you dwell on everything even more and feel worse and so on and so forth! *pets* keep posting, i'll keep reading and giving my two cents worth :P
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
When I went back to work this time, they had kinda withdrawn my offer of a position upon completion of my training contract (which now ends on 30 Sept). They finally told me that they will keep me on for a fixed term of 9 months, after which they will review. I suppose if they didn't take me on, they risked me having some kind of employment claim as they had previously offered me a job before I became ill again. I can't help feeling that they are just doing it so that I make a mess and give up. I wonder whether they are part of the game. I have been wondering lately whether what I believe is real is actually reality or whether I am actually part of some kind of experiment or a game controlled by someone. I wrote an entry in my journal (not online one) last night and splurged re my thoughts on this. I'm just really confused as to what is going on, what is real and what is not. Maybe they are playing tricks on me. I know in a way that this sounds slightly "off the wall" but why is this thinking any more bizarre than the idea that my existence/life is actually reality. So much crap going on in my head at the moment and everything is being questioned. Is my life real? Am I actually a pawn in a game or a variable in an experiment. How do I know?
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
Do you want to work? If you do then take it at face value. you've got the job, you've got 9 monhts at least! that's more than me right now, i'm on a month contract that keeps being extended. So for nine months you have a job! Look at it that way. *nods*
*pets*
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
Sorry, I thought that part of my journal entry online would help you understand some of what is going through my head at the moment:
"Maybe what I do is normal and the way people are suppose to cope but if taht is the case would not more people do it? People harm or behave destructivele in other ways - speeding, reckless/careless/dangerous driving, smoking, overeating, overworking, accepting, etc. Maybe I'm being observed and just a part of some kind of experiment and that's why people get that feeling of being watched or why they think there's something out of the corner of their eye. Ho do I know that my day to day existence is reality and not some part as in the films "The Truman Show" or "The Matrix" trilogy. It does make me wonder sometimes. Maybe my family/friends/ork colleagues are in on it. There is no reason why this explanaiton is any less plausible than my life/existence being reality. What is reality? Are we all being fooled? Maybe there is a creator god and we are just pawns in his game and right no he is entertaining himself by confusing the heck out of me by making me question the idea of reality. Would it be so terrible to be told that I as just part of an experiment or a pawn in a game? Most certainly not, as long as I could elect yo withdraw. However, in any realm it appears not to be a choice that can be chosen easily or instigated/followed at the moment. Will that change? Maybe me role in the experiment/game will be extinguished by the person in charge and maybe if that occurs, I ill not even, at that time, have an awareness it has ended..."
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
