Teaching A Lesson
A wife was in the kitchen making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly , her husband burst into the kitchen.
“Careful,” he said, “CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt! USE THE SALT! THE SALT!”
The wife stared at him. “What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?”
The husband calmly replied, “I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man."
The man then replies: "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
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What is long, hard and full of seamen?
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a submarine!
Well it breaks my heart to see you this way,
The beauty in life, where's it gone?
And somebody told me you were doing okay,
Somehow I guess they were wrong.
What do you call spending the afternoon with a cranky rabbit?
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A bad hare day.
Well it breaks my heart to see you this way,
The beauty in life, where's it gone?
And somebody told me you were doing okay,
Somehow I guess they were wrong.
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A: A bulldozer.
Did you know that five out of three people have trouble with fractions?
Why did God make only one Yogi Bear?
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A: Because when he tried to make a second one he
made a Boo-Boo.
What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car?
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A: Robin, get in the car
Why did the elephant paint his toenails different colors?
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A:So he could hide in the M&M dish without being seen!
Why does E.T. have such big eyes?
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A: 'Cause he saw his phone bill
What's the difference between a guy falling from the 1st floor and one falling from the 17th floor?
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A: The guy falling from the first goes, ' splat , Aaaaaaaargh " and the one from the 17th goes, " Aaaaaaargh , splat ".
Once upon a time, long long ago, in a land far far away there lived a woman who was just too busy! She decided to make a clone of herself so she could get twice as much work done. Well, the clone helped her a lot, but it also gave her a bad reputation because the clone constantly swore. One day, the woman couldn't take her clone's foul mouth anymore, so she took it to the top of a building and pushed it off. Soon after, the woman was arrested for making an obscene clone fall.
How do you catch a rabbit?
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A: Hide behind a tree and make carrott noises.
What's long, yellow and fruity?
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A: An apple in disguise
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
An old farmer and his wife are lying in bed. He leans over one night, touches her breast, and says, "If this thing could still give milk, we could get rid of the cow." His wife leans over and grabs his member. "And if this thing could still get hard, we could get rid of the dog."
How do you drown a blonde? Put a mirror in the bottom of the swimming pool.
What do you call a blonde with two brain cells?
Pregnant
What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever.
Where does Michael Jackson pick his nose? From a catalog.
My husband is my best friend.
In forgiving others, we are not exonerating them. They may not deserve exoneration. Rather, in forgiving others we are giving up our anger over the fact that what happened is not what "should" have happened or that our life is not the way it "should" have been.
