lol thanks for the offer, Susan-Mom. Mmm, sometimes they feed us, but since they're not supposed to (they stopped doing that sometime during my second year working here) it depends which of the higher ups are there (some don't care, especially if it's stuff that will be thrown out. But I'm not nearly as concerned about my bad eating habits as he seemed to be . Big deal.
lol Jess, I know but I don't want to fess up to the alcohol use any more than I already did (because when I do drink, nine times out of ten it is a lot). As to how much I eat I'm eating and I'm not concerned about it so why he needed so much information is beyond me... And as to the tension at home... what's he going to do about it? And besides... this whole thing is rather humiliating . Seriously, if I didn't dissociate during Tuesdays appointment I was damn close *rolls eyes at self*.
Thanks gals, love you both, you're pretty amazing.
I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I'm out of control, and at times hard to handle, but if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.
~ Marilyn Monroe
Alright, once again pointless post but *shrug* you've got to have some sort of talents in life, right? Guess pointless posts is mine.
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Watching In Treatment recaps on youtube (a show on HBO, a channel that I don’t have, damn it)… Paul (the therapist) tells Sophie (one of his clients) that there is a difference between being careless and wanting to commit suicide… other episode the same client admits that the accident she was in was actually an attempted suicide… then she over doses with some pills in the therapists bathroom… They make an agreement and at the end of another episode recap she says ‘I won’t try and kill myself as long as I’m in therapy’…
Other things are thrown around like ‘attempted suicide’ and all that other ‘fun’ stuff. I have watched these recaps (on youtube, since the series is on HBO and I don’t have it) many times, the ones about the client Sophie (the girl I’m talking about above). But today it was different. I never really found them triggering though her sessions are about determining whether or not an accident she was in was actually an attempted suicide or just an accident (suicide being the obvious trigger). The fact that she over doses in one of the recaps wasn’t really a problem before either. Today it wasn’t even really the over dose that bothered that got me but the repeated references to suicide, especially Pauls observation that there is a difference between being careless and wanting to commit suicide and the agreement that Sophie will not try and kill herself as long as she is in therapy. I can’t describe what I felt… it was small, but it didn’t feel very pleasant that’s for sure. I can’t decide why I felt that either… really my only guess is that maybe it’s because I would sort of like to kill myself a lot… and that I haven’t had the guts to try it yet… I don’t know .
Sorry, just rambling…
Gosh I wish I felt better
I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I'm out of control, and at times hard to handle, but if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.
~ Marilyn Monroe
I wish I could explain what's going on.... if you explain to your case worker it's possible he may be able to help. And the alcohol and food and fam situations are all pretty important! So you sohuld be honest. And I can guarentee, no matter what you say... he's prolly heard similar somewhere else even it was just in training. They need to ask questions to get a proper idea of what they need to provide you and stuff. *hugs you tight*
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
Ugh, and I'd tell my therapist the stuff about the shows and whatnot before I told this guy... Nice guy, knows his stuff, does a good job (this coming from someone with a degree in psych) but I don't know him that well (had three appointments) and this is humiliating.
Thanks luv
I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I'm out of control, and at times hard to handle, but if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.
~ Marilyn Monroe
I'm just one huge mess right now. I blame my meds. Last meds appointment the doc handed me the prescription bottle and told me it was enough for a month... and when I got home I noticed that it was 30 100 mg tablets, so one for each day of the month... problem is I've been taking two (for a total of 200 mg) for I don't know how long. Tomorrow makes 2 weeks with the dosage change and I am not sure whether or not that is my problem... but I don't want to go in and talk to him about it because I just want to be done with it. I am tired of talking about meds, depression, cutting, family issues, everything...
Such a waste of space... sorry.
*sigh* I can't even support everyone else right now, how useless am I... and I miss supporting, I really do... I just can't...
I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I'm out of control, and at times hard to handle, but if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.
~ Marilyn Monroe
Had a meds appointment on Friday. Got enough so I could start taking 200 mg again (silly man even had it down in the chart that it 100 mg!! Would have been nice if I had been told... and I can tell you, after two weeks of 100 mg, it does NOT work . I just hope it starts to work again soon because life is far from a bed of roses as is (more like sticker bushes).
Have therapy tomorrow and case worker on Tuesday (oh yay)... Don't really want to do any of this any more ...
Ah, well...
I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I'm out of control, and at times hard to handle, but if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.
~ Marilyn Monroe
Good luck.You have been through an awful lot it seems.But you CAN do this!You CAN!!i know how you feel about having to talk to so many different people though.i find that really hard but please do try and let them in.
i do not always manage to be around but i wish you all the very best - love and luck to you all!
ally, hang in there. talk to your therapisty people, be honest as much as you can. i know it makes you feel really shitty sometimes to have to talk about all this stuff but it's the only way this is all going to get better sweetie.
Even as the stone of the fruit must break
that its heart may stand in the sun,
so must you know pain.
There are only two ways in which one can live their life. One is as though nothing is a miracle, the other is as though everything is.
Brought my drawings with me... am wondering if I will get a chance to show my therapist today... or if it's even worth it... since, counting todays, we've only got 5 sessions left . Still, the most recent drawing is rather applicable to how I'm feeling... Gah, just the thought makes me shudder... strange cause it's not like I'm not comfortable with him... Ah, well
I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I'm out of control, and at times hard to handle, but if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.
~ Marilyn Monroe
Took the drawings to therapy and showed him. The entire session was mortifying I'll go into more detail tomorrow as the keyboard on my new blackberry is small and I'm not used to it yet.
Love y'all
I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I'm out of control, and at times hard to handle, but if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.
~ Marilyn Monroe
okay ally. im glad you gave him the drawings though. i gave mine a big load yesterday - she's going to frame two of them to put on her office wall!! which is kinda freaky but cool too.
but yeah. i find art really helps me and also helps to show her how i'm feeling so i'm glad you're showing him
Even as the stone of the fruit must break
that its heart may stand in the sun,
so must you know pain.
There are only two ways in which one can live their life. One is as though nothing is a miracle, the other is as though everything is.
*shrug* No, it was pretty bad. I mean, I suppose therapy wise it wasn't bad... but I hated it.
*
Let me see, it started off by me saying that last weeks session had sucked because it was so uncomfortable... I can't remember what exactly about it was so bad but I think I wrote about it earlier anyway.
*
Just a bit later it got to the point that I showed him my newest picture (a white board that has been written on with permanent marker so it will not erase, the words won't go away... I'll post it later or something)... I think because that was part of what had been wrong the last session... I didn't want to talk about it all any more, or do anything any more... I just want it to go away, but it won't, it can't...
*
One of the things on the white board is a red letter D (the rest of the drawing is black and white), which is in two other drawings, one where it is the only thing on the drawing... (scarlet letter reference) So I had to drag that one out when he asked about the D. And when he saw I had more he asked if he could see them (actually he asked if I was wondering if he was going to ask to see the others... because he was lol (really, he laughed) and I said that no, I was trying to decide whether or not I was going to offer to show them to him).
*
Showing him the drawings really wasn't the worst part. He's the second therapist I've shown and one of four people I've shared them with (two friends, a married couple who were in the psych program here at uni the same time I was... graduated before me though and are in graduate school now). But I wrote discriptions of them on the back so that I would be able to remember what they ment even years later (not that I really think I'll forget). He got to my still life and I couldn't remember exactly what I had been thinking when I drew it and so I told him it was explained on the back... figuring that he'd read it to himself. Instead her read it out loud! Doesn't sound like a big deal but I literally cringed when he did it (he didn't notice because he was reading, thank God). I told him that I wasn't going to tell him about explinations on any of the other ones and he looked up at me in some suprise and asked me if it had been difficult (hard, painful, something like that, I can't remember actually but I'm pretty sure it was difficult) for me to hear it read out loud. When I said that yes it had been he asked me what that was about and I had to telll him I had no idea. Good lord, what a freak am I that hearing my own words describing my drawing would be difficult?! For heaven sake I probably would have said similar things had I been explaining it to him! He was kind enough to look briefly at the picture, show me which one, and then look at it closer as I explained it, bless him.
*
He spent a considerable amount of time looking at one picture without showing it to me... and commenting on the drawings in general as well as some other observations... like, it seemes that, with most of the drawings the theme appears to be that of something damaged, broken, something that doesn't work right and that makes me feel... he said something else before he used one of my words ('freak' which I don't like to use but I haven't found a better one yet)but I can't remember what it was. It was humiliating to have to agree. Turns out the drawing he was looking at (I finally asked him after we'd talked a bit as he kept looking at it and not showing it to me) was the one of a microscope... there is a box of prepared slides (you know, with specimins already on them) and some laying on the desk and one on the microscope already. The ones that are out of the box have a little 'inset' I guess you could call it, so that you can see what is on the slide... you can see the picture on my thread in the creative corner (but I believe it's burried some where) on on a slideshow that is on my blog (which I think you can link to from my profile). He used the word 'freak' because it is one of my words and happens to be on one of the prepared slides in the drawing.
*
*phew* If your eyes are tired feel free to stop reading... because I'm not quite finished . Sorry
*
Anyway, somehow we got on to why this stuff isn't OK for me and how this last (and longest ) major depressive episode in particular*started because this is the first time I haven't been able to function, that I haven't been able to reign it in and do what needs to be done despite the fact that I feel dull and lifeless. That part (talking about having previously been able to function and press on through my depression... something that I marveled at as I was doing it) really kind of sucked, I think maybe because I*am embarassed that I am now unable to do so... And talking about how this last one started really sucked... because I have a theory, at least as to what may have made it so different... But I don't want to go into it with him because it probably doesn't have too much to do with it... And it could become an uncomfortable conversation very fast.
See, this is the longest episode I've ever had, over a year. It really started to sneak in about two winters ago (so not this last one but the one before)... And by the middle of that summer, at the latest, I had my first experience of being barely functional, despite my best efforts. That year I had an increasingly hard time with my second year ASL instructor. Ice written about it before, he was an awful teacher and that was only when he showed up. I also had a hard time as VP of ASL Club as the president and secretary were set against me (I got the job the other gal wanted). It was one stressful year. The instructor just got worse and so did our relationship. And the point here, what I don't want to talk to my therapist about is when the instructor showed up at my apartment late at night, drunk, and stayed for hours. Not to drag this out any longer there was brief, I'm, *cough* ugh, I don't even want to write it here, hand-to-groin contact (his hand)... And I don't think it was an accident... But that can't have anything to do with it, it wasn't a big deal...
sorry, so stupid...
I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I'm out of control, and at times hard to handle, but if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.
~ Marilyn Monroe
you aren't stupid and if i wasn't so damn tired i'd reply but honey, i read this and it sounds like your therapist actually responded fairly well to the drawings and understands what they're about? *hugs you tight* I did read the whole thing. And your unstructor... COCKHEAD! *KICKS HIS ASS* *cuddles* and it can cause problems later. *huggles again* I'm thinking of you sweetheart
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
. Big deal.
. Seriously, if I didn't dissociate during Tuesdays appointment I was damn close *rolls eyes at self*.
...
. Still, the most recent drawing is rather applicable to how I'm feeling... Gah, just the thought makes me shudder... strange cause it's not like I'm not comfortable with him... Ah, well
lol (really, he laughed) and I said that no, I was trying to decide whether or not I was going to offer to show them to him).