That's a great idea, I think I'll do that, plan to do something with Mum once Dad's gone back to the US. It'll let mum know I care about her as much as I do Dad, it'll also help me as I get really down when Dad goes home so I'll then have something to look forward to. Thanks for the idea.
Liz
Hiya,
I'm doing ok at the moment. I'm spending lots of time with Dad which is why I'm less frequently on here at the moment. Still feeling pretty triggered at times but I seem to have it under control at the moment.
Still looking for somewhere to buy, not sure I'll ever find anywhere. I guess I just have to be patient, I just can't wait to have my own 4 walls and my freedom back.
Liz
I've just read through this post, my old one from last year. I now realise how much I went through back then and how different life is now.
I now have my own home, a new job and a new boyfriend. Life is looking a lot better than it was.
The only thing that upsets me now is that Dad is still in America and I'm not going to see him until probably March at the earliest.
I'm not looking forward to tomorrow, Christmas Day, although everyone is coming to mine for the day so I'll have to put on the happy jolly face.
Best wishes to you all.
Liz
I'm fighting urges to cut and I don't know why.
Everything was going really well. Nothing has changed, nothing has gone wrong to make me feel this way.
A huge part of me is saying "don't do it, you've not cut for a while and you're doing really well"
The other part of me is saying "Who cares, it doesn't matter whether you cut or not, no one is going to know. You've always been really good at hiding it and now you live alone you don't even need to hide it as much."
Why, h why do I feel like this. If I could understand what was making me feel like this I could do something about it. Talk it through maybe or at least understand and counteract my feelings in some way. I always try and rationalise things and I can't rationalise what I don't know and don't understand.
Arrragh.
Liz
AAaarrrraagh
I give up. I can't fight this anymore.
It's not even worth trying. When I think I have things sorted and I can cope with life it all piles in on top of me again and I end up back at square one.
I cut today at work for the first time since I started here in Oct 2008. That just goes to show how low I'm feeling.
The person I got support from last year isn't able to help me right now so I have no one.
Friends at church are trying to support me but I can't talk to them, I hate talking about it. I know I should otherwise I'll just bottle it all up and things will get worse.
I'm thinking about going to my GP but I don't want to be signed off work, it's about the only stable thing I have right now. I've never told them before either so I don't know what reaction I'll get.
I'm such a mess and a waste of time.
Liz
I feel like a bloody yoyo, looks like it's been a month since I was last here and I feel rubbish again.
Last night I had to surround myself with friends, went out but was just there, didn't actually take part in much. Had to have people around me otherwise I would have done something stupid.
All I can think of right now is cutting or OD. I continue each day only because I have something in my diary that needs my attention or someone is expecting to see me. If I didn't have that then I wouldn;t be here.
I'm living my ilfe because of everyone else and not for me. I hate this life. I give up.
Liz
Hey, just to let you know I'm here for you. How did the therapy go in the end? Its good to hear that you have your own place again and it sounds like this has relieved at least some of the stress. There is always a point to going on, although at times its really hard to see exactly why, but it will come to an end.
Hi,
Thanks for replying. I got some therapy for one of the underlying issues but not everything got talked about or solved.
Yeah, having my own place has taken away some of the stress but has also made coping with the tough times more difficult as I'm on my own and don't have anyone watching out for me. Guess you can't have it both ways.
I guess there is a point to going on, it's just hard work right now. Ill get through I expect, just hope it doesn't take anymore scars to keep me going.
Sigh, plod along I guess.
Liz
Here I am again,
I've plodded along for the last couple of months. In fact they have been really good times.
I'm now engaged which is fantastic, he such a wonderful Man. I really don't deserve such a fantastic man to love me.
Dad has been back to see me again, although he's still in the US I am coping better being apart from him. We keep in touch more frequently which is good.
I've been on such a high I now am low again. I feel like a yoyo, up one minute down the next. I don't know why.
I want to curl up and hide from the world again. I wish I knew what was making me feel this way.
Hugs to all
Liz
Here I am again, yoyo yoyo yoyo. When will I ever be free of this life. Probably the day I finally decide to end it.
I'm a ball of emotions with no way of expressing them. I can't talk because there is noone here to talk to. I scream but it doesn't make any difference. I cry but nothing changes. What's the point in it all.
I'm stressed and I know that's what's causing me to feel so rubbish but I can't change the circumstances. I could give up the Masters but then I'd feel like a failure. I can't change my job, well I could but I actually don't really want to.
I just need to learn how to cope with it all better, manage my stress and not let things get on top of me. Any ideas anyone?
I know one, try not to be such a perfectionist and not beat myself up about getting 100%, a pass is good enough right?
Try not to take on too much, I'm not super woman after all.
Oh, I feel rubbish. I'm ging to curl up from the world, although that'll only make me feel worse because then I'll have even less time to do my assignments.
There's no winning this battle.
Liz
Hi,
I got my assignments done, hopefully they will pass although I won't know until next month.
Life is manageable at the moment. Had a bit of a slipup on Tuesday but coped alright, went to see a good friend who helped me talk things through. I was really proud of myself as I went to see her before I dd anything stupid which was good. Huge step for me, although I still feel like crap right now and want to cut. It's like "Well done you didn;t on Tuesday but you will someday soon." I feel like my emotions are tormenting me to just break down and cut because that will be the relief I need. I know it won't and I know intellectually that it won't solve anything.
Anyway, I'm on hols next week so hopefully that'll be the break I need.
Liz
Well done for getting your assignments done hun, I know how much of a struggle this can be when your feeling low. Also well done on being proactive in fighting the urge, you should be really proud of going to see your friend. Keep talking on here if it helps, but please try not to give into the urges. Your right it won't solve anything so try and keep reminding yourself of this. I hope you have a good holiday. Take care
Kat xxx
"Recovery is something that you have to work
on every single day and it's
something that doesn't
get a day off."
Hi Guys,
I logged in tonight think !No one gonna have read my thread, they didn't ;ast time". I just wanted to say thanks, you have read it and thanks for your replies. I was feeling low again and your comments are the encouragement I needed. I am now gonna try harded to distract myself before going to to bed. I'm off to go see what I can download on iplayer to entertain me for an hour or so.
Take care and thanks again.
Liz
Hi,
Back again. Feeling low today. Not sure whether it's just that I'm tired or whether it's something more than that. Really struggling to concentrate at work, have loads to do but have no interest in doing any of it.
My boss is out for a week now so I have no one to chase me up on anything either so it's up to me how much I do and whether I get things fnished. If I don't work on them now I'll be rushing them next week but who cares.
I could do with a day of, having just had a weeks holiday that seems ridiculous as I should be rested and ready for work bu I feel like what's the point.
Anyway, just wanted to share my thougths so I could get it off my chest.
Liz
*Hugs* Sorry your finding things difficult at the moment. Maybe with your work you could break it down into smaller bits so you don't feel so overwhelmed. Also are you able to put on some nice music while you work? I find it can help lift my mood a bit sometimes. Hold on there
"Recovery is something that you have to work
on every single day and it's
something that doesn't
get a day off."
Hi,
Feeling far better this week. Work is getting done, slowly but on time so that's ok.
Still tired, but coul probably do with getting to bed earlier rather than staying up reading. Only myself to blame there I think.
Had a great day on Saturday shopping for a wedding dress. Was really worried about this because of he scars on my shoulders but Mum didn't notice, or at east didn't say anything which was fantastic as I enjoyed the day and found a wonderful dress.
Anyway, things are looking up at the moment.
Liz
you did three years before, you can do it again. just learn to reach out for help! even if it is on here. we are all here for eachother unconditionally. feel free to PM me if you need to.*HUG*
