Feeling awful

[one_step_closer]

I'm sure he'll just be a bit unsettled and need some time to readjust. Hope he goes back to his normal self soon.

[not_so_insig]

My cat is back to his usual self today. So he was just unsettled and voicing his displeasure at being shoved in a cattery.

I think that I will be ok now but I will update this thread when I next see my cpn (which is in nearly 2 weeks time) and also regarding my decision to go back on the antidepressants. Thanks to everyone who gave support you're stars xxx

[not_so_insig]

As promised an update. I saw my cpn and she said that I seemed brighter than when she last saw me. She said that she's glad that I didn't OD because she was worried about me. I explained that I suffered from low mood over Christmas and on Sunday that I was paranoid/delusional. She said that perhaps my dose needs adjustment and gave me a choice of a higher dose or going back to having the depot every 3 weeks. I said that I was doing much better on 3 weekly so I am going back to once every 3 weeks. I explained the biggest problem is my sleep and what I tried with no avail. I never had this problem with my sleep to the extent I am suffering on 3 weekly depots.

I didn't mention going on antidepressants but tbh I don't think I need them atm. My cpn said that a lot of people suffer with low mood during January. I am keeping an eye on my mood and if it dips then I will discuss with her.

[one_step_closer]

Sounds like a good plan there, fingers crossed it helps. I'm glad you have a supportive CPN.

[not_so_insig]

Thanks Lindsay. You are right in the fact she is supportive. Hopefully I will be more stable on the 3 weekly depots. I dont see it as a step backwards but more a positive change. Hopefully my sleep will improve.

[one_step_closer]

It's definitely not a step backwards if it's going to be useful. Things need changed sometimes even if that means trying something that you have tried before. That's ok.

[not_so_insig]

Sorry to bump this but the past two weekends I have been feeling unsafe. I feel as though my mood is dipping again. I would use tv as a coping mechanism but since the storms last weekend I have no TV! I have had to stream stuff online but if my Internet goes down then I am stuffed.

Like a previous post when I am with my cat I can generally not try to take an od. But I feel as though my mh is suffering and that I wanna harm myself in other ways.

I was gonna try and take prn last night but fell asleep before I could take it. I guess I should take it today but idk if I should.

[one_step_closer]

I'm sorry you're struggling again. If you think PRN would help then definitely take it, do whatever safe things you need to do. When do you next see your CPN? I think you're doing really great with your self harm recovery and can continue with that due to your strength and resilience. Remember that thoughts don't have to equal actions and whatever form of self harm you're thinking about it probably wouldn't help in the long run and might actually make things worse.

[not_so_insig]

Thanks Lindsay. I see my cpn on the 6th of February. I am going to take prn within prescribed limits. I think I will send my cpn an email (have the cmht general email not her personal one) asking her to contact me. Or send her a text as i have her work mobile phone number. Obviously I can't do it today as both are only available during office hours.

[one_step_closer]

Those sound like good plans. I hope taking PRN helps for now and you can get in touch with your CPN and have a chat and get some advice.

[not_so_insig]

I have now taken prn and my mum cooked a tea for me. I have listen to some music too. A bit has helped but not much. I am trying my best to think of distractions but it's seems that it's too overwhelming to contemplate trying anything. Atm I am just trying my best to survive.

[one_step_closer]

Will your PRN still be getting to work? Do you think that not having your usual TV routine is making things a bit more difficult?

[not_so_insig]

Low on words tonight so I will reply tomorrow when I have more energy. But your response is appreciated Lindsay x.

[not_so_insig]

I ended up taking the prn last night as well as earlier on yesterday. Slept well though woke up before 9 am and apart from one hour I have been awake since. I think the stress of having lack of tv was impacting me. I have tv now so I feel less stressed.

I feel less unsafe today but I have been busy as I had a delivery plus tesco delivery. I was feeling crappy last night so ended up having loads of treats on my tesco shopping order. I spent more than I normally do.

I ended up also cuddling Terry the Teddy bear. My cat spent all night on the bed with me which helped.

Because I was busy with putting all my stuff away and having to reprogram my scheduled program recordings on my satellite box by the time I forgot to get in contact with my cpn/the cmht. I am going to the cmht on Thursday anyway so if i don't try and get hold of my cpn tomorrow then I will leave a message at reception. I think it's important that she knows what's going on. I have an appointment with her on the 6th of February so if things don't go dramatically wrong it could always wait until then.

I still feel as though I need my distractions/coping techniques. Several people have said that I have good ones and that I am generally good at knowing when I need to use them. I am still not safe.

[one_step_closer]

What do you think might happen, how are you feeling unsafe? It sounds like you're using all your techniques really well and I think you can keep doing that. I hope you can speak to your CPN soon.

[not_so_insig]

I just really wanna harm myself. Plus the voices are talking constantly which isn't helping. Normally they aren't here 24/7. I know that it's more likely a stress reaction as the voices do get worse if I am stressed. Once I am in my usual routine in regards tv they'll probably calm down. I should really take prn for a few days straight (have been told that it's ok) in order to give myself a break. I just so badly wanna harm myself that I am fighting not to. But the urges are so very very bad.

[one_step_closer]

Please take PRN if it will help, there's no point in not using all the things that you have. I know it's distressing and I hope you can find things to soothe and distract yourself with. You really are strong and I believe you can get through this without harming yourself.

[maii]

I agree with osc and I presume pro re neta still mean as needed medications over there; if not, I'm sorry that I got that wrong, but I took that to mean you have emergency medication in your tool box and you do need to utilize everything you have within your means to help you during times like this and I know you can manage to get through this rough spot. I know, I'm also trying to cut back on the Benzodiazepines but if you need it - you need it and please stay safe. I care about you.

[not_so_insig]

Thanks maii and Lindsay. Yes prn means pro re nate in the UK.

Today the voices are less strong so far. They seem better but are still here all the time. I didnt take prn last night as I thought I was going wild swimming today but S (the person I go with) cancelled on me. It makes me sleepy the next day so I didn't think that being dopey plus water was a good combination. I might take it tonight depending on how the voices are today.

[not_so_insig]

Took prn in the end. I think I can keep myself safe until I see my cpn on Tuesday. Voices still talking all the fucking time but I am trying my best to ignore them. I am physically writing down what they say which somehow lessens the power of them.

Since Monday the voices and urges have been getting better but I am hoping that the depot will help. The voices are telling me to refuse it however. They are nasty bullies.

I have started a new book which is helping. I busied myself with little tasks yesterday which helped.