just changes you after your eyes. you leave yourself because you just had it.
ever felt like you bump into people that you THOROUGHLY despise? without knowing them......it happens to you because you hate this world just as much as you hate yourself.
aside from all that this is a great topic. but nobody even feels like there post is accounted in for.
can i just say that we are all similiar? anyone agree?
It blurs the line between reality and feelings.
Sometimes you want to reach out and talk to someone, but you just cant. Theres to much darkness surround you, suffocating you.
You often feel alone, but in reality your surrounded by people who want to help you if you would only let them in.
It makes you see yourself as ugly or fat, when in truth your probabky neither.
It makes you push people away from you.
Everthing feels so dark and restricted and scary and you see no way for it to ever improve. Its like you wake up each day and just try to make it through each hour as it comes.
I can be fine. Chatting and everything, then someone will say something an i will just snap. back to feeling low, back to wanting to inflict as much damage as possible. Like that person has just thrown a huge big box over you so you cant see anymore.
It's like I am drowning, drowning in a sorrow, and pain and fear that is so thick and so tangable that I can feel it, like water, all around me, pulling me under and trying to choke my happiness and my sanity.
And at the same time it is like voices in my head, reminding me how worthless I am, how pittiful my existance is, and how ugly and fat I have become. It reminds me that I am a failure, and everything I do is wrong, is a mistake, I am a mistake. It tells me to just let go, because I will eventually anyway, because in the end I will never be good enough or strong enough, so why bother delaying the invidable.
*I am not counseling anyone to follow this philosphy, I am just using it to describe something*
"I cannot change the past, but my future is my chance to prove I can change."
"Sometimes our deepest wounds, are the ones we inflict on ourselves."
“Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength.”
Its like my life is a "puzzler book". My past, present and future are little puzzles on each page. Some are easy and some are hard. Regardless of whether i can work them out or not i turn to the answers page at the back to check and all the answers are the same. They tell me im worthless, im a liar, im wrong, i should die.
^^^
the answers are a little stronger worded but you get the point.
~Phoenix~ is my Little Sister of Awesomeness and Self-Delusion :P Bitter Angel is my Mitten Animad is my Top Trump All Im Living For - Is my beautiful and special daughter who isnt called Kim but will moan if i dont add her :P
I would describe my depression as a video game of 3 levels, I'm either on the underground level, where I feel like im in a big black hole, a weel maybe. And I can't get out and if I scream out nobody can hear me and I just disapear.(depression)
The second level I'm mario above ground but without the mushroom, things are abit scary but I drift on like normal, The third, I'm big mario (I've won the mushroom) things aren't scary or dangerous. (even the things that are) and I'm a crazy hyperactive loon. (manic episodes)
Life can be beautiful if you let it.
Step back, breathe and take it in
It's like being stuck in a hole, and not being bothered to get out because you'd rather wallow in your own self pity than face the real world.
Sometimes I burst into tears.
Sometimes I just sit, completely zone out or I can't get out of bed in the morning..
completely lethargic
constant lump in my throat
tightness in my chest....heavyness
i dont get out of bed
can be bothered to shower properly
eating habits change
i talk to no one
and the way i always describe it.....
like being at the bottom of a well...the musty smell...the dampness....and trying to claw my way out with my fingernails....but i just keep slipping.
To me, it feels like I'm in a circular valley with jagged, rocky edges and cliffs and rocks protruding from every angle. Then, there is the pinprick of light at the top and I try to climb out, but every time I do, I end up falling over and over again.
Tell me what we are all made of, and I’ll tell you why that isn’t so. If I was really made of such, I wouldn’t have wanted so badly to go.
the box
I always say its like theres a box, its filled to bursting with emotions, and each day you act like you have emotions, you smile and laugh and feel fake.
But then you slip, the box springs open and the emotions come zooming out. These are when i want to SI, when i fall off the box.
Or that its like theres a big blob of wet blue paoster paint inside my chest ccrushing my heart and soul.
Last edited by howlie, : 03-07-2007 at 11:47 PM.
Reason: more stuff
For me depression is a dark cloud that hangs over you constantly. Its there when you wake up, its there when you go to sleep. If your in a relatively happy situation it pushes you down and if you let it take over it releases its grip for a while. It controls me completely and i cant do anything without it bringing me down
That pretty much sums up how I would describe it.
Today I'll try to become more aware of alternatives that I haven't yet realised.
Although I have no control over other people's reactions or thoughts, I can change the way I react.
Depression for me is the other side. From this side of things (I've currently just 'clicked' back out) everything looks hopeful even though some things look scary. When I slip through to the other side, everything is painful and hopeless. Love itself is painful and I frequently try to make people hate me just so that I don't have to worry about hurting them by my negativity. I become fiercely independant and it becomes ME vs. THE WORLD. Since the world is so much bigger, it's an impossible fight and so by all logic I am a failure.
While fighting for myself I simultaneously fight myself because I not only hate the world but also I hate myself. Loathe my appearence, personality, motivations (and lack thereof), and depression itself.
It is literally a shattering of any sort of feeling of interconnectedness with the world or with myself. All I feel are the seperations.
Like I already hinted, I become masochistic in my life in virtually every way. Pain makes sense to me when I'm in depression, and nothing else does.
Last edited by Kallisti : 05-07-2007 at 02:32 AM.
Reason: removing something that's unneccesary
"When I was a little kid, my mother told me not to stare into the sun, so when I was six I did..."
i think of it like being in a bubble. you can't feel anything properly. everything is dumbed down because of this damn bubble. even taste and smell. when someone hugs me the bubble stops me feeling it and enjoying it. when someone talked to me they're on the other side of the bubble looking it and i cant hear or understand what they're saying properly. when im really depressed i have to ask people to repeat what they say many times till i can take it all in.
it feels safe and terrifying at the same time. its a strange feeling.
