struggling with voices and orders *update* admitted :(

[Bellatrix]

can you tell a member of staff that you like about your worries?

[Arienette]

i spoke to my 1:1 this morning about it. she's very lovely member of staff.

I didn't tell them that I didn't take it though, I'm not telling them because they'll make me take it or inject me and that's not ok.

but I've had a chance after some sleep to talk about my worries, and I spoke with my nurse last night too because I had a break down and started crying about it. xx

[EyelinerAndCigarettes]

I'm sorry you've been crying so much lovely, I do think that's all part of the process of healing though. Was your nurse helpful when you spoke to her? What did she suggest?

I'd urge you to take the medication. It would be against the law for the staff to be giving out medication that is used to kill people, they wouldn't get past the door if that was the case. Have you thought about giving the medication a go?, Perhaps if you try it & see what happens you might find out that in fact it doesn't kill people. They are trying to help you lovely & wouldn't be doing anything to harm you or anyone else, although I do understand that's hard to see right now <3

[Arienette]

I got told off for the writing.

Kind of.

I just went quiet and awkward because I don't know how to explain it. X

[Arienette]

I want to kill myself

[Arienette]

I ran away to do it. Got caught. PRN.

FMB it's too much

[Arienette]

On 1:1 arms reach. Which is doing my head in. Had loads of stuff confiscated.

I just want it to be over. I can't take it anymore. Xx

[Arienette]

They're talking about PICU. seriously!!

I'm scared

[Arienette]

They room searched and found all my stocked up meds and confiscated them.

:(

[tiptoes]

I hear that you are scared. It must be difficult to have your room searched and things confiscated. Can you see why it might be necessary though?

Do you think you could communicate how you are feeling to a member of staff? Maybe the nurse you spoke to previously.

[Arienette]

When I talk about my thoughts an feelings things go wrong.

So I'm using as much distraction as I can to ignore as much as I can.
Everything has been confiscated. Even my bloody shoes.

All because I felt suicidal because they're forcing me to be a murderer.

I'm feeling a bit calmer since ie dodged that med for a few days. I feel more down and it's tough bc I was feeling better mood wise but the guilt of murdering we slowly was awful. Xx

[Arienette]

Has a bad night.

Attacked a staff. Seriously. everything is so rubbish.

[EyelinerAndCigarettes]

I'm glad the staff took away your medication sweetheart, they've done it because they have your best intentions at heart.

Do you want to talk about what happened last night? How are you now?

x x x

[Arienette]

The 1:1 nurses were whispering. Then she was eating crisps at the bottom of my bed so I was annoyed and awake. Then I was thinking and I kept hearing voices in response to my thoughts and it stressed me out so I went to make tea and wanted I walk it off in the corridor but they said I had to go in my room.
Wen I explained what was wrong with me the nurse laughed and the support worker had a go at me so I went to my room and started crying.

Then the support worker just told me to keep it down. I said I was trying and e said it again so I attacked her to get her out of my doorway so I could have space from her and cry.

I felt humiliated. Another nurse came and spoke to me and gave me PRN which helped. And I eventually went to sleep and had no nurse in my doorway then another nurse and they were quiet.

I've had a calmer day. The day staff are much better so I spoke about it and I have done distracting groups. Wednesday is non therapy based group day which I needed and have tried to ignore it but I keep gettin gobbledygook voices which are annoying but less distressing.

I had a tearful morning about it all though but calmed throughout the day.

I'm exhausted so I hope they don't talk tonight when we're trying to sleep.

I have ward round tomorrow. I'm dreading it bc I keep lashing out, absconded, feeling suicidal, breaking down and having incidents.

I'm struggling so much i don't know how much more I can take.

[Arienette]

On my ps vita game you have to complete a mission for it to save game. It took just over an hour and was a very good distraction. I think it was a good choice to get it.

X

[not_so_insig]

I am glad that your ps vita game helped and good luck for your ward round.

[EyelinerAndCigarettes]

Really glad you're managing to attend groups despite all you're going through, that's really positive. I can understand your frustration of not being allowed any privacy but you're unwell at the moment & the staff just want to keep you safe. It won't be forever though honey, You will get well & you'll come off 1.1.

How did the ward round go?

x x x

[Arienette]

I didn't have it bc I'm being recalled back to my trust and they thought I'd be transferred by now.

Stressful night. Tried to take meds but couldn't. Very distressing, they threatened IM but didn't do it thank god.

I tried.

I really did try.

My nurses today though have been nice which helps. She showed me some videos to watch online when I'm allowed headphones again or go home that she think might help me. And a book.

This is hard. X

[Arienette]

Breakdown over meds last night. Now scripted diazepam twice a day probs to calm me down. Is working.

Had a nurse who isn't here much so I managed to give annabelle her cake without getting restrained. She just left me to it which has made me feel better bcauae she was missing out and I saved it especially for her.

X

[Arienette]

When my mum left they didn't notice but I missed the opportunity to give annabelle her letter.

I will give it to her tomorrow.

Or maybe tonight.

It feels urgent all of a sudden.