I am unsure. My dad just came over for a bit and played with the dog which was nice of him. But then he started commenting on how I need to clean my apartment and get all A's in my classes and I know he means well but I hate how he says things. I am not a child.
Tonight seems like a good night to test it. I have had a break from school all last week but classes start again tomorrow and I am right back to everything being too much.
Please do not give me virtual hugs unless you are only using the hug function on threads. Thanks.
You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.
I understand people do not seem to believe me but hopefully people can be respectful enough to understand that I would not be lying about this and if all you want to do is say it is not true then please do not respond.
I don't think you're lying. I also don't think severely undersized anorexics who think they are severely oversized are lying. People can find themselves painted into perceptual corners that can dangerous. Often stresses can lead people to altered perceptions when they are around early 20s. Not knowing if you're alive or not - and wanting to "test" the situation - is a dangerous perceptual corner to enter. Its not rational and you should talk to someone in person about these perceptions. If I didn't like you I wouldn't even say anything. For me its almost irrational to even discuss with a person whether they are alive or not lol. These things can abate but don't let them go too far.
Please try and stay safe Carmen. I know the Sunday night feeling can be so overwhelming but you can get through this. Please try and keep away from anything risky while you're feeling like this.
It's just after 6pm but I might just try to go hide in bed if the dog will let me. Everything feels all jumbled up in my head. I want things to be okay. I don't want anything bad to happen.
Please do not give me virtual hugs unless you are only using the hug function on threads. Thanks.
You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.
I'm scared. I'm about to leave for work and work seems to make it worse. I hate this job and I have no choice but to do it. I think I'd be okay with being dead at this point. I really just want to know for sure. Is that awful?
Please do not give me virtual hugs unless you are only using the hug function on threads. Thanks.
You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.
Carmen, you're not exactly making sense and your feelings regarding being dead are inconsistent. You may not realise it yourself but I've just read a fair portion or this thread and it changes. You've said that if you're dead then that's it, nothing is happening and then you talk about seeing your dad and him playing with your dog, your mum contacting you, having to go to work... If you're dead then this wouldn't be happening especially as you don't believe in an afterlife which essentially if you were dead then this would fall into. You also talk about bad things happening if you go to bed, if you're already dead then frankly nothing bad can happen to you. Also we would not be able to communicate with you. I know whenever people say things like that you state that we think you're lying and you don't want us replying to your thread etc etc but I don't know what else you want.
Regardless of whether you're dead or not right now, if you don't want to be dead then there's absolutely no valid reason to try and kill yourself, it's totally backwards logic, you want to stay alive but the only way is to die? That's basically what you're saying.
In terms of the therapist doctor, if you have to pay her then you have to pay, they can't just let someone off because they haven't got the money, it's like someone saying to you that you need to work but hey, you're not going to get paid for it. The amount they've said is extremely low and yes, it may seem unmanageable but she needs an income too and that along with running the facility etc is what the money goes to. Also, the whole point in seeing a therapist relies upon people showing some level of commitment, wanting a change, the 2 wk period probably isn't set in stone but it's a ball-park figure which they'd want you to hit first off for you to benefit from it, just saying going every month or whatever is not going to help you as it's too fragmented. Her doing this is a way of trying to explain how things work to benefit you the most, it's not a form of blackmail and if you feel it is, for whatever reason, then report her and if it's found to be the case then t very least she'd probably lose her job. I ask people em to come back and see me professionally after a set period of time and it has nothing to do with wanting their money or similar, it's to make sure things are going the right way etc. Blackmail is when people are telling people they need to give them money to hide the truth about something, this does not sound like that's happening at all.
I'm sorry if this sounds harsh or negative or anything like that and I'm not saying you're lying about how you feel but I think you have to look at it from a logical standpoint that some of these things that you're believing don't make sense and really it is worthwhile you seeking professional help for this and actually trying to tell them the problem rather than concentrating on what you feel you can't tell them for whatever reason as some of the things you mention that you can't tell them because x, y or z will happen frankly does sound like there's something quite big going on and that it's more than just anxiety you/ depression/ whatever that you've got.
I just want to chip in and say that I completely understand this. I have felt/feel the way. It's very possible to have the core belief that you are dead but still function. I'm pretty sure it's a form of dissociation. Why is it not possible to feel dead but still carry out day to day activities? Carmen is clearly very confused. I don't think it's helpful to just try and solve this with logic because if it was that easy then nobody would have mental health issues at all.
