Thanks Alannah I honestly don't know. I feel so low and awful before the argument yesterday I felt slightly better I do get that I won't feel good all the time but I don't know I'm scared people don't believe me. I know it's good to feel ok but genuinely I don't feel ok that often I don't mean this in an attention seeking way it's just how it is at the minute. Today has been bad constant arguments I hate myself so much I'm so fat and dirty and so stupid. I'm in a lot of debt and things are hard financially for my mum too I feel it's all my fault. The flashbacks are awful and the sensation of my body expanding won't stop. I'm confused with traffic light system I've just cried a lot and I feel I need to punish myself I don't know I'm a fat drama queen I'm sorry .
I feel like someone is standing on my chest and so exhausted I feel pinned to my bed. I feel I'm falling apart inside the memories and sensations are cascading over each other. I'm fat and there is too much of me. I hate myself so much. The violent thoughts towards myself feel too much. I'm scared of losing control of my body and my mind. I don't know what to do? Sorry I shouldn't post these things .
First of all, Don't you dare, ever be sorry for posting how you feel. *cuddles*
I'm so sorry you're feeling so low darling, I can really relate to that crushing feeling. Have you ever thought about trying some breathing excerisies/relaxation? I know it sounds silly, but it can be really usefull when things are getting too much?, For me, when I'm having intrusive thoughts I'll go sit in the garden & play with the cat & focus on that solely for however long it takes to drown out the bad thoughts. Do you have a safe place you can go & relax?
Being scared of losing control over things is pretty daunting but try to remember you're an adult & you have control over your life. Not just your body & mind. Have you ever done any self-soothe teqnuies?, its something I learnt in hospital & its pretty helpful:
Many of us have never learned how to self-soothe, how to do those often simple things that makes us feel better. These are mostly very physical techniques, that use different body senses. Some of us have never had the feeling that we could do things to make ourselves feel better, calmer, feel relaxation or pleasure. I urge you to experiment with these techniques until you find some that are comfortable and helpful for you. And when you find these, practice them. Use them when you are feeling distressed, when emotions feel overwhelming, when situations feel like you can't stand them any more. Instead of doing something that hurts you, try something that gives you pleasure and comfort,
SELF-SOOTHING has to do with comforting, nurturing and being kind to yourself. One way to think of this is to think of ways of soothing each of your five senses: Vision Hearing Smell Taste Touch
VISION:
Walk in a pretty part of town. Look at the nature around you. Go to a museum with beautiful art. Buy a flower and put it where you can see it. Sit in a garden. Watch the snowflakes decorate the trees during a snowfall. Light a candle and watch the flame. Look at a book with beautiful scenery or beautiful art. Watch a travel movie or video.
HEARING:
Listen to beautiful or soothing music, or to tapes of the ocean or other sounds of nature. Listen to a baby gurgling or a small animal. Sit by a waterfall. Listen to someone chopping wood. When you are listening, be mindful, letting the sounds come and go.
SMELL:
Smell breakfast being cooked at home or in a restaurant. Notice all the different smells around you. Walk in a garden or in the woods, maybe just after a rain, and breathe in the smells of nature. Light a scented candle or incense. Bake some bread or a cake, and take in all the smells.
TASTE:
Have a special treat, and eat it slowly, savoring each bite. Cook a favorite meal. Drink a soothing drink like herbal tea or hot chocolate. Let the taste run over your tongue and slowly down your throat. Go to a potluck, and eat a little bit of each dish, mindfully tasting each new thing.
TOUCH: Take a bubble bath. Pet your dog or cat or cuddle a baby. Put on a silk shirt shirt or blouse, and feel its softness and smoothness. Sink into a really comfortable bed. Float or swim in a pool, and feel the water caress your body.
I understand those feelings so much at the moment and my heart goes out to you- nobody, least of you deserves to feel that way. And those feelings of being too much of you. I have them too- I guess everyone is entitled to take up space in existing though it feels so hard to accept that. Does anything help to keep you grounded so those thoughts and actions can't take over?
Sending love- I'm always here to talk
So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn
Thanks Alannah I just feel really raw and vulnerable as well as fat and so violated. The intrusive thoughts are making me feel so unsafe. I'm trying to pretend to be ok but it's slipping I've spoken to friends more and I feel awful for burdening them. It's just spilling out everywhere. I'm nervous about my eating disorders appointment as well as haven't made as much progress as I should have. I don't know I wish I could disappear. :(
Progress is hard sometimes and at those times just maintaining where you are and reaching out can be the best thing to do. You are doing so so well to stay strong lovely!! *hugs*
So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn
Thanks Alannah I just had a massive flashback when the window cleaners came. Mum helped me ground myself but I keep slipping in and out and things feel unreal and odd. I'm terrified food will trigger the memory more and won't be able to swallow., I feel a mess. My body still feels it's expanding I feel weird. Sorry I'm making no sense.
I'm sorry you had a flashback. Are you feeling any better now?
Your body can't change that quickly, even if it feels like it; it takes a while to put on weight, and it doesn't happen instantly, even if it feels very difficult and uncomfortable.
It doesn't matter where you come from; it matters where you go.
No-one gets remembered for the things they didn't do.
We won't all be here this time next year,
so while you can take a picture of us.
We're definitely going to hell,
but we'll have all the best stories to tell.
Thanks Sophia. I'm just feeling so huge and out of control. I fill like fat is filling all of me. I saw my eating disorders nurse and I'm scared I won't manage what she is asking. I cried so much today. I hope you are ok x
I think I've mentioned before that 'feelings are not facts'? The way you feel, and i know it must feel very distressing, does not meal that that is fact.
What is she asking you to do?
It doesn't matter where you come from; it matters where you go.
No-one gets remembered for the things they didn't do.
We won't all be here this time next year,
so while you can take a picture of us.
We're definitely going to hell,
but we'll have all the best stories to tell.
As above, feelings are not facts. You feel huge and out of control, but 'fat' is not a feeling. 'Fat' is based on science and nutrition etc etc. Sometimes with eating disorders feeling 'fat' can be a way of expressing lots of very difficult emotions that we don't know how to express, or if we don't know what those feelings are. E.g. some people feel 'fat' because they feel greedy, because they're worried that's what other people think of them, or because they fear being out of control, or failing. Can you identify any of those feelings behind your thoughts? What frightens you about being 'fat'?
Take care, and keep talking. Sometimes if you need to cry, it's ok to just cry. Can you talk to the ED nurse about your difficulties with what she's asking you? x
Thanks both of you. I feel scared and physically weird it's setting off my fear of being sick. I want to take lots of anti sickness pills to stop the weirdness. Sorry I digress I'm having trouble focussing. I know you are both right it's just in the heat of the moment I lose the ability to put those feelings into words and then fat usually accompanied by a tirade of self abuse is all I have available. It is improving but I still struggle. She wants me to eat breakfast and then do some other non eating disorder things. Sorry I'm waffling :(
I understand- I find that too, it's easy to get caught off-guard and digress. Is there anything you can hold onto mentally to stop yourself falling so hard? I understand about the breakfast- that's a big struggle for me currently too xox
So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn
Thanks I don't know. I feel exhausted and like someone is standing on my chest. I just want to disappear. I can't cope with how much fat and weight there is. The shame takes my breath away. Sorry I'm so fat and pathetic. X
Are you still getting support for your ED? It sounds like you're struggling a lot on your own. I think it's been mentioned before, that "feelings aren't fact" - you feel fat, but that doesn't mean you are. I appreciate that doesn't help how you feel, but sometimes it's important to remember that these feelings don't necessarily represent factual information.
It doesn't matter where you come from; it matters where you go.
No-one gets remembered for the things they didn't do.
We won't all be here this time next year,
so while you can take a picture of us.
We're definitely going to hell,
but we'll have all the best stories to tell.
Hi Sophia I am but I don't know what form it will take as the person I'm seeing now has said that next week might be my last session unless I manage to do what she is asking and even then it's not certain. It's such a shame because in terms of being able to vocalise what's going on I have made progress but I'm stuck with food related things even though things are better than they have been in years. I just feel whatever I do it's not enough if ishow emotion that's wrong, if I'm numb and cut off that's wrong , it's wrong to struggle, things can't be hard. It's a confused mess. I don't know anymore. I still hate my body as much as ever but I feel the trauma is worsening these feelings. Sorry I'm confused and I feel fat and violated. Sorry I'm selfish.
I can understand- it's such a struggle going back and forth with recovery in eating. Can you explain that you have made progress to them? I know I hate at work; with doctors and so on the progress needs to be so structured on milestones but how can you measure an individual's journey when it is theirs alone?
I find the feelings are often worse when I'm working to change and challenge myself- perhaps this is the case for you also?
So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn
Thanks Hun. The NHS is so crippled everyone's hands are tied in terms of who gets what. I really feel I don't deserve treatment yet I feel I need at the same time? I think I just feel utterly overwhelmed not just by the eating disorder but by the trauma. It's such a privilege to receive treatment from the person I'm seeing right now I don't want to **** up. I feel so low and fat and dirty and worthless having a day where I am utterly on the edge of tears. Hope you are ok. Your support means so much.
*hugs* it's hard when options are limited but there is no set path to where we tread- to recovery and rebuilding. Always here if you need to talk
So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn
