I am all wrong. (Updated Post #142)

[talaiporia]

Oh Aimee. :( I'm sorry things got so bad. Do you have anyone with you now?

[Snow White.]

No Soph I don't want anyone here.

Thank you Carmen xx

I feel so silly. I'm never doing this again. I'm going to hide my medications and leave a note with them reminding me not to do this. It is just not worth the hassle and anxiety. Last night a patient was being very ill very loudly and I coped ok considering I couldn't escape.

Psych had cleared me to go, just waiting on the doctor. I just need to be home and wrapped up safe in my bed having a restful day. I can get through this.

[talaiporia]

Does your dad know where you are?

Mistakes happen. It's important you hold onto this feeling and use it to stop you doing it again.

I hope you get home soon.

[Snow White.]

Yes I'm certainly going to learn from this mistake.

No my dad doesn't know I don't want anyone to know.

I've been cleared to go home so waiting on a taxi. Petrified my dad will be home for some reason and see the state of the house and my dog who may have weed inside and the note I left in my room. Hopefully not though.

I think I'll treat myself to a nice breakfast/lunch when I feel able to drive.

Thank you everyone xxxxx sorry I can't reply properly yet I am still groggy

[LittleCloud]

*hugs* hope you are feeling better physically and mentally

[Snow White.]

Thank you both x

Carmen I did try and ask him to put these medications away but he never actually did. I could try again though. Something else I've done is five then to my doctor so she can give them to be in rations so that may help.

It's nearly 3pm and I've slept all day. I'm not overly disappointed I didn't have much to do. But I haven't eaten either so I'm going out to buy food and dog food and hope that being out the house Cheers me up s bit.

[Snow White.]

Yeah Thank you in definitely going to be resting up. I've popped out to the shops to get food but I want to read insurgent when I am back home. I want to rest but not really keep sleeping.

Thank you I'm so sorry I'm a shit friend/person etc. But I'm trying to get better.

[Snow White.]

Wait is that the second one? Cause yes I'm half way through and YES we so do. I keep forgetting what has been though in between trading it so I have to go back and read the last few pages. Plus I haven't touched it for a while being so tired. So today is the day!

I've just gone shopping and got some good food like yogurt and bread for sandwiches so I feel good having healthy/non junk food in the house.

[Wonderland.]

Wow you're on the second book already?! Go you!

How are you feeling in general?

I'm glad you were able to buy some healthy food in. Do you think today is going to be a good food day?

[Snow White.]

It might be. I did have something custardy for my breakfast that wasn't healthy but the rest should be okay. I'm making a pizza for dinner. Also Brave is on tv now and Monster's University is on later so that makes me smile (pay tv just created a Disney movie channel) :)

Thanks for listening to me ramble. I feel better talking here because I can talk about what happened last night. I had an urge to tell someone I knew but that wouldn't do any good.

Oh and I'm feeling okay. I'm going to do some CBT to work on the thought that I should harm myself because of my weight. It is still popping back in. Thankfully I'm too tired to entertain it.

Sorry to anyone waiting on a text really - it means a lot to me I can read the text properly and my brain all isn't there yet xx

[Wonderland.]

Just because you haven't made the best of start doesn't mean the rest of today can be healthy. Making a pizza sounds NOM. Take a picture!

No worries, I am glad that you have a space where you can talk openly and safely. We all need a safe space to outlet our emotions and goings in our lifes. Have you got a blog, that can be a great way of expressing you feeling and more private than a diary that someone could find.

I am glad you are feeling okay today. Doing some CBT is a really positive way of dealing with your feelings.I hope it helps. You are certainly not alone in wanting to harm over your weight I can totally relate and I'm sure that others can too.

Have you got any plans other than doing CBT to help keep yourself distracted?

[Snow White.]

Thanks Ames you're a gem x

I'll probably snooze, watch Disney movies and cuddle my puppy and read. I'm pretty washed out still. I may not even get to the cbt today depending on how I'm feeling. Gosh it's nice to be home though and not in that hospital.

[Wonderland.]

Snuggling with your puppy and watching disney films and reading sounds like good plans.

You are probably going to feel physically unwell for a few days given whats happened. Have a good meal - homemade pizza and that should bring back some colour.

Make the most of your home comforts, I bet you puppy missed you whilst in hospital.

Keep talking to us lovely <3

[Snow White.]

Rest well Carmen I thank you so much for your support x

I like the idea of bringing back some color with having a good meal. At least I don't feel sick. Just sleepy.

Thanks for giving me this space to talk.

[Wonderland.]

Nutritious food will get you feeling better in no time.

You are always welcome to talk <3

[Snow White.]

I'm worried it will be oily with the cheese and that I'll then feel sick but I think that is a phobia coming in as there's nothing to base it on. But I'll pace myself anyway. Thanks Ames. You're a star xxx

[Wonderland.]

How about cutting back on the cheese a bit? and filling in up with veggies.

Thanks, no worries, here anytime <3

[Patent Pending]

Hey lovely,

How are you doing now?

I hope you're okay. As Ames said, perhaps cut back on the cheese and try some veggies or something?

x x x

[Snow White.]

Thank you all so much for the continued support while I was so unwell there. I've finally been able to sit through and read all the replies.

CagedBird thank you. I will try and think any how my therapist and I would work through the feelings. Your post has a lot of useful things in it so I thank you a lot for taking the time to write them to me. I think what I was trying to communicate was how desperately much I hate myself and my body. And how hopeless I feel.

Sarah you're right even though I changed my mind it was an attempt at my life (I guess) and once the ambulance was on it's way I tried to strangle myself over and over. I didn't tell them that but I'll tell my doctor. I didn't ask for more support but I will try and arrange some.

Unfortunately my GP (very good with mental health) goes on leave in May so I hope I can find a doctor who won't charge me or else I won't be able to go. I see my doctor on the weeks in between my psychologist and psychiatrist as I'm trying to put one professional each week and then one week off of required.

I did do the CBT sheets today on two thoughts, that "I'll never lose weight and be healthy" and "I deserve to die because of my weight". As part of these sheets I write new thoughts at the end that are more helpful and then how these new helpful thoughts would make me feel and act. I feel a bit more inclined to do exercise today so hopefully later on I do. I think it's been helpful to do the cbt.

Thank you all xxxxx

[Snow White.]

Oh you're such a gem. That is what is happening as she is going on maternity leave. The doctor she recommended who is good with mental health is however going on leave a month after she does. So we're going to try someone else. I'm hoping we can arrange a three people appointment to meet the new doctor while my other one can tell her what helps and what doesn't.

I spent money today I shouldn't have on bears and I feel guilty. So I put my tattoo money away into another account so I didn't dip too low.

I'm going to catch up with a friend after she finishes work today for a hit chocolate. And I'm going to Lush to buy things to pamper and look after myself with. She's the friend I kindof want to tell about how bad things got so I really really need to make sure I don't.