I'm about - I know you don't know me, and I'm not in a great place myself right now so I'm not sure I'll be much good on the advice front, but I'm here listening (reading) - if you want to say a bit about what is going on for you today?
Yeah I'm still in hospital. I'm just struggling all round really. Feeling really restless and agitated and PRN isn't helping. I'm physically exhausted. My eating is really bad, I've purged twice today and skipped meals. I cut the other night and needed stitches. My boyfriend made this comment saying 'i don't want a girlfriend whos covered in scars' which really got to me. I don't feel like I deserve the support of the staff unless I've actually hurt myself, which I haven't. I'm trying hard to stablise things but I don't feel like I'm getting anywhere..
Sounds like you're having a horrible time. It's been a few hours since you wrote (sorry) so I hope the agitation has calmed a bit?
I can see why your boyfriends comment got to you - especially when things are this bad. I expect he is just really worried about you and what he was trying to say is that he wishes you didn't want to cut yourself. It's come across as more rejecting than was meant?
Please know that you do NOT need to damage yourself/make yourself physically unwell in order to get support from staff. You just need to tell them you feel really bad and want to talk. You do deserve help - but maybe it would be easier to forget about deserving/undeserving and instead remember that it is part of their job to talk to patients. They are paid for it!
Often some staff are better than others - have you found some you can connect to more easily?
Being hospitalised shows you are not considered able to stay safe all by yourself at the moment, which is why you are in a situation where they can assist you with it.
How would you feel about asking a nurse to discuss with you (tomorrow) what can be done in practical terms to stop you harming yourself? Have they taken away all "tools" they need to? Can they give you more support around eating regularly and keeping it down?
I've been trying to sleep but I'm wide awake now and I've used all my PRN already. I've been doing what I can to talk to staff about how I'm feeling but I get the sense that they are sick of me and don't have any suggestions on how to improve things either I don't like taking up their time.
Some staff are better than others yeah. But I've been allocated the same person for the night shift about 3 days in a row and haven't found him helpful. I struggling most at night time.
In terms of not harming myself, being inpatient is forcing me to not self harm whether I like it or not. I'm not allowed to leave the building so I can't OD, or buy blades. This is apparently meant to be a positive thing. And I have no clue what to do about food. This isn't an EDU so I get the sense they aren't very well equipt dealing with food issues.
Hi again. Thought I'd write back because I'm also having trouble sleeping. (My sleep is really messed up at the moment - I sleep in the day but can't sleep at night.) It's hard when you try to talk to people but they don't seem to be able to say anything to help. I feel like that too at the moment.
I'm glad you are not able to harm or OD- I misunderstood and thought you had since being IP. I can imagine that it doesn't feel like a good thing though - if not having that outlet makes things feel emotionally worse.
I guess if we were talking about another patient you would want them to be prevented from doing it?
Other people here have said that inpatient is not very good at managing eating disorder issues. I'm not sure why - they must see them fairly often, you think they'd have more training.
What would they do in an ideal world to help you with this? (From a perspective of looking after you, rather than from the self-destructive viewpoint.) Like would it help if you had a meal plan with safe foods on, or if someone sat with you to make sure you eat or something? I hope that's not a silly question- I don't know so much about this - but I'm thinking if you can work out how they could help you maybe you can educate them...
I'm sorry things are so rough right now.
I feel like I can relate a lot to how you are feeling.
When I was last IP, I felt like nobody would listen to me or cared about how I was feeling. I was also purging and managed to SH. After having a bit of a meltdown, I was put on suicide watch.
It's hard because you almost feel like you are getting better because you can't hurt yourself but you also know that it's only because you are being watched. It's a rough situation to be in.
As for the food issues, I have an eating disorder and was refusing all food in the hospital. They put me on ensure and restricted me from the cafeteria, but I would toss them.
I finally learned to start being honest so I got more meal support. If the staff are being really cruddy, you can always file a formal complaint.
I know it's not recommended, but talking about my issues with other patients helped a lot. You just need to be careful. I hope you feel better soon and you get the help you need.
Remember: be honest with the staff. You need to want recovery in order to get better. Talking to someone who is a bit more rational may help you clear your head so you focus more on recovery. <3
I managed to get some sleep and I've requested that my sleeping tablet is changed because I need something better. I've been working hard to not SH and talk to the staff when I need to but like I say I feel like a burden on them. I think they aren't very good at dealing with ED issues because they just don't have the staff to sit with you whilst you eat and make sure you don't purge.
Tbh honest I'm planning on not eating anything today because it's all just too much and my body image is shocking.
I understand that feeling but I think it will set you up for more problems if you go down that route of doing that today, so I hope you manage to eat something. I also think it can magnify emotions if you fast.
I ate. I'm a fat cow. I purged but it still doesn't change the fact I ate. I hate myself. And I didn't get the change in meds I wanted because they said I cna't be on two benzos at once. I can't cope. Want to die.
It is a good thing you ate, even if you can't see it right now. It doesn't make you any of those things you called yourself.
I admire your strength <3
x x x
♥It's the ups and downs of living life this way. Promise me you'll never go away. Just stay with me through one more night because it's always darkest before the light and now I promise you I'll never turn away. I won't let you give us one less heart to break...♥
I'm sorry that you are still struggling. I know that the hospital isn't equipped for ED things but maybe if you tell them that you need help, they might be able to do something. Engaging in those behaviors are as self-destructive as self-harming and should be taken seriously.
I hope tomorrow is better for you.
They don't take the ED stuff/purging seriously at all. It's so annoying that I'm not meant to cut/od/ligature and if I do it's a really big deal but if I purge it doesn't matter.
I managed to have a small lunch and now I'm feeling fucking huge again. I'm slightly calmer than I was yesterday but still really restless and agitated. I have blades now too so that probably wont end well. I don't want to end up getting stitches again.
I'm sorry they're so under-equipped to offer help for the ED stuff. It really sounds like you need support for that side of things.
Well done for having a small lunch, that's really good - even though I know you might not feel it is right now.
x x x
♥It's the ups and downs of living life this way. Promise me you'll never go away. Just stay with me through one more night because it's always darkest before the light and now I promise you I'll never turn away. I won't let you give us one less heart to break...♥
Glad you managed to have a bit of lunch as you need to keep up your physical strength right now. It's bad they don't take this aspect of things seriously.
Do you think you could tell the staff you have blades? If you end up using them it's not going to make the situation better, and you'll probably regret it.
I hope you can hold off from hurting yourself any more. xx
I managed to eat dinner and keep it down. I'm glad I wont have to eat again today. They upped my sleeping tablet so hopefully that might help and I'll get some sleep. I really don't want to hand in the blades. They'll be pissed at me for having brought them onto the ward in the first place. I feel like I need them there just in case, I haven't used them again yet. That being said I can't risk getting stitches again so I should probably get rid of them. I talked to my CC today and mentioned struggling with food twice but he didn't ask me about it and I didn't elaborate. Maybe I should have.
I'm really stressing about xmas presents. I haven't bought anything for anyone yet and I get discharged on the 23rd. My mum said I should forget about it and that people will understand. But I feel like a terrible person for not getting people stuff. I have leave but I'm scared if I go into town I'll pass out and I don't want that.
Heya,
That's great news that you're feeling calmer today. What makes you pass out? Not eating or something else? Maybe if you're lacking the energy you could maybe eat something small and then go out to buy stuff? Or even go on Amazon and get it delivered to your flat? Or someone else's?
Maybe your cc just didn't know how to deal with the Ed? My Old cpn used to not say anything about my ed and wouldn't really ask about it; maybe once or twice he asked about it but even when I mentioned it was really bad he didn't say much. I think it might be a guy thing in not knowing how to respond? But maybe you could speak to your cc about what can be done to help your ed? Are you with a Ed team? Are you getting treatment for your ed? What's the plans for your eating whilst your in hospital?
I thought and what I gather from your thread and also your r/v and texts that you wanted to be in hospital as you felt that this was the right way forward for you right now. If this is the case by you hiding the blades and using them would make your admission pointless. It's meant to be a safe place. I'm sure that if you handed them in the staff wouldn't be angry but glad you handed them in before using them again. It's obvious you want the help and your scared but you can do it. Make use of the staff that's why they are here. I'm sorry your bf said that! That's out of order. Have you told him how the comment hurt you?
Be safe Katie! X
Ballerina123 - My lovely superstar
Call me R -
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time - Abraham Lincoln
I basically pass out as an extreme version of dissociation, apparently. But nobody really knows. It's very stressful when it happens waking up on the floor or in A&E. Food might contribute to it but it isn't the cause. I don't think my CC has much experience with ED stuff so you're probably right.
I did want the admission but it was for the passing out more than anything else. I haven't cut but it feels safer having the blades there. I don't want to use them.
I've had the afternoon from hell. I decided to branch out and go to a cafe to have a cuppa and ended up passing out and being dragged to A&E because I was out of it. Nurses and doctors were bitching about me and were extremely rude. I got hysterically upset and left, coming back to the ward. I've been pretty distressed since but my friend came over which helped a lot.
I'm exhausted with everything and feel so powerless over the passing out.
It's really good to hear you don't want to use the blades. I think everyone here can understand the feeling of safety of having them there.
I'm sorry this afternoon has been so bad for you. Well done for trying to get out and have a cuppa; sorry it turned so bad. It's not nice to hear medical professionals being rude and commenting on you. It's not fair of them. I can understand getting upset about it; I think most people would. Do you think you could explain to someone on your ward about what they said or how they treated you?
I'm glad your friend helped you calm down :)
Try to keep calm tonight, can you do something relaxing?
x x x
♥It's the ups and downs of living life this way. Promise me you'll never go away. Just stay with me through one more night because it's always darkest before the light and now I promise you I'll never turn away. I won't let you give us one less heart to break...♥
I ended up taking meds and getting some sleep last night. Went to therpay appointment this afternoon which was helpful, just not long enough to talk about everything that's going on. Have a cpa tomorrow. Hope to god I don't pass out today, I need a break. Going to try and distract and not use the blades!
I'm really worried about my little sister. Found out that my dad is basically being emotionally abusive towards her and there is nothing I can do about it. Social services have already been involved. I need to figure something out fast to stop that bastard hurting my little girl. And I'm still freaking out about not having time/energy/health to buy everyones xmas presents.
Things are a bit better today. I'm feeling calmer.
I ended up cutting badly last night and got stitches. I've handed the blades in now and wont be doing it again. Everyone still says that I am doing well. I had review today and cried at my CPN, which helped. And napped which also helped. I'm due for discharge on Monday. I'm freaking out about Christmas and not getting people presents but there isn't much I can do about it.
