I know, join the club right? If something doesn't change soon, I will probably end up in a bad place. I have nothing creative to say about it. It's not beautiful or mysterious like I want it to be. It sucks.
When I lay down at night and put my head on my pillow and close my eyes, I see this scenario play through my mind that I know will never happen. It's a scenario in which I walk into a room and sit down, and someone walks by and asks me if I'm ok. And when I tell them that I'm not, they don't believe me. I know they have a million things to do, but instead they sit down and ask about it, and I tell them. Everything.
I'm not sure quite what happens after that, but it doesn't really matter. All I needed was that moment where they cared and listened. It sounds truly pathetic when I put it out there like that, but that's what would mean the world to me. That's what would get me through. And it's not going to happen.
That's why I'm still here in this. And here I'll be...
Last edited by SoSimple : 29-11-2013 at 03:31 AM.
Reason: Editing
Nobody said it was easy.
No one ever said it would be this hard.
I hate the way that I feel. But what I hate even worse is that I always thought that having someone to tell would free me from it. I just found out that it isn't true. I just keep looking for the next person to talk to, hoping that it will bring some freedom. It never does.
I have to fight so hard just to feel ok. I'm not sure it's even worth it. I can't even find words strong enough to match what I feel, and I'm not sure I even care to. There's no one listening, and it wouldn't help anyway.
I'm not sure what's left. Some days I want to run my car into a tree. Some days I want to turn myself in for thinking that way. But who am I kidding? I'm not a "bad enough" case for all of that. I'm just in the middle of being fine and falling apart. I'm in the middle of misery, and it's a lot like wading through molasses.
I'm stuck. Just like I've always been.
Last edited by SoSimple : 28-12-2013 at 04:38 AM.
Nobody said it was easy.
No one ever said it would be this hard.
I saw a picture of my Pastor and his family today. I hope they know how lucky they are. The whole time I was staring at it I couldn't help but think, "I will never have that."
I'm not sure good marriages are real. I wouldn't know how to be in one. Maybe I shouldn't try to mess up someone else's life. We all see how well I'm doing with just my own.
I wish they would take me in. I wish I could sit in their house and tell them everything and feel cared for. God, what I would give for that. Just a day of feeling truly heard and cared about. I bet it would change everything...
But I'll probably never find out.
Last edited by SoSimple : 28-12-2013 at 04:35 AM.
Reason: Edits
Nobody said it was easy.
No one ever said it would be this hard.
People warn you about them, but I guess I didn't realize that's what they were. I've always felt like this wasn't addiction, that it didn't have a hold on me and if I wanted to stop I could. I'm pretty sure everyone with an addiction starts out saying that. It's nothing new.
Now I'm not so sure.
Once it's in your mind, it's like it grabs on with its claws and won't release. When you manage to get a moment when your mind can stray from it, the monster jerks its claws and brings you right back to it.
My confession? There are times I've given in not because I was feeling particularly awful, but to free myself from the grip of it.
I think that's when you know you're not in control anymore.
I'm pretty sure this is how you define addiction.
Last edited by SoSimple : 28-12-2013 at 06:53 PM.
Reason: Misspells
Nobody said it was easy.
No one ever said it would be this hard.
I suppose I should be grateful that there are "ups," however fleeting they may be, but the rise and fall and repeat is a bit much. Being on a roller coaster can be a thrill every now and again, but being on one 24/7 can leave you nauseous and exhausted.
I think I want off of this ride.
Nobody said it was easy.
No one ever said it would be this hard.
So today I had a thought that I have literally never had before.
I've been fighting the urge to be freaked out about everything, just to see what it might be like. And I've come to an interesting conclusion. Even though things are still pretty rocky, living the life I'm living right now is finally better than the life I was living while self-harming.
I'm sure that doesn't sound like an "angels in the sky" moment for most people, but when I had the thought I knew I needed to write it down.
Although, I hope it never goes away.
I keep seeing people living their lives and thinking, "I wish I had the freedom to do that." But what if I really do? What if I've been sitting in an unlocked cage this entire time, waiting for someone to bring me a set of keys I never even needed? If it's time for a change, then my options are to change or complain about the stagnancy if I don't. I've already been hurting for so long. How could this make things any worse?
I guess we'll find out, now won't we?
I think stopping pushed me into this. As much as I thought I hated it and figured it was me hiding myself, I'm glad I did it. Even though I didn't want to. Maybe there is no "release moment" when you finally feel done with it. Maybe it's a choice that you have to keep making until your feelings finally catch up.
I'm not sure where this is going. And maybe, for the first time ever, I am ok with that. :)
Last edited by SoSimple : 18-01-2014 at 03:10 AM.
Reason: Edits
Nobody said it was easy.
No one ever said it would be this hard.
Keep fighting! Things get better, life gets easier. We just need to endure through for now. I finally got a break. I feel happy, relieved... but confused. In the end i know it'll be ok. Follow your heart
I'm not sure how to explain it. It seems so backwards. You're supposed to only want to cut when you're upset.
It's like everyone thinks that if you don't harm, you're cured. Like the absence of the act is the confirmation that everything is in order once again.
God, I wish that were true.
Sometimes feeling too much, even too much of a good feeling, invokes that urge to want to smooth it all out again. Sometimes seeing your security blanket slowly fade off into the distance awakens a fear deep down inside that petrifies you to the bone. And sometimes making the choice to try to be "better" makes you feel a whole lot worse.
The chance of things turning around and actually being desirable is a far more terrifying risk to take. If things are bad and just get worse, well, that I can handle. But to have things actually be good for the first time in a long time and then be pulled out from under me... that is a disappointment I just couldn't take.
Nope. Not again...
Nobody said it was easy.
No one ever said it would be this hard.
Those who have been there will understand the feeling I am attempting to describe. The one where your mind is suddenly flooded with the obsessive and intrusive thoughts that latch on and won't let go. Your skin feels like it wants to crawl off of your body. The white noise is so loud that it seems to drown out every other noise around you. I hate moments like these, but I know something about them now.
These moments are recovery. The ones that make you have to choose between the arms of a monster or free falling into a river. It is completely understandable to me why people choose to go back. The fear can be blinding and paralyzing. And I've realized, you have to walk through it. There is no other way out.
It's like a lot of things in life that are scary. You know it's going to hurt and that you're going to hate it, but there is no other way to the other side and the threats on your end are pushing you toward the edge. It's one step in front of the other, day after day, like it or not.
I guess you just have to have some faith that what's on the other side is worth it. And when you look back, you have to remember why you left the arms of the monster in the first place.
And no matter what happens, you just keep going. Step after step, day after day, like it or not.
"Don't quit. Suffer now and live the rest of your life as a champion."
- Muhammed Ali
Last edited by SoSimple : 23-01-2014 at 02:25 AM.
Reason: Edits
Nobody said it was easy.
No one ever said it would be this hard.
