I just tried to sufficate/strangle myself with a thing round my neck, it felt to horrable to continue with. and now my neck feels really wierd and sore. I feel so shit. just meh.
Can you maybe throw out the thing you've been using to suffocate yourself? Do you want to talk a little more about the things going on in your life that are making you feel like suicide is the only option?
And I know crisis teams can be crappy sometimes, but it's worth persevering. Try watching a film, and then if you still feel unsafe, ring them up and say "I've tried watching a film, I'm still feeling like doing x,y, z".
My moods dropping again and the idea of it dropping is making em cry. I dont want to go through this again. Its horrible. I saw the stuff I had been planning on od-ing on in the shop today.. i didnt buy it though, i was in a good mood at the time. So at least that make me a little safer when my mood drops totally. I feel so out of control im actually scared!
Ah, it's difficult when you're worried about people reading it. Although unless this person has an account on here, the chances of him stumbling upon it randomly are fairly small, especially if you replace names and places with X,Y,Z.
I'm so sorry things are tough, and I really do understand your frustration with services not taking you seriously. I think the best thing to do is to keep persevering with them and telling them again and again how you're feeling, and in the meantime doing the best you can to stay safe. Do you have any friends nearby who you might be able to meet up with, to give you stuff to look forward to?
No, all my friends are pretty much down south now! even the friends originally from wherre i was born are down south now. Which is kind of annoying. But only a month and a week left I guess.
Ok I guess I can try to say or at least hint on here what happened. I might end up taking it down though. Well X didnt listen when I said no. Does that say what happened enough *is scared to make it less vague* Ah I feel so dirty :(
Its getting to the point im scared to contact the services because i feel like im contacting them to much.
Gah this feels inpossable. Like proper inpossable and i dont know what to do so I will just keep on spamming this thread. Im soo frustrated I want help! and i think if i dont get it i might end up doing something really stupid. what do i have to do to get help!
I hate me so badly right now. Why did I let him do it to me! Why did I not fight. Im a filthy little cunt and I feel so much hatred for myself right now. Its horrable, im sitting here fucking crying and remembering the pain, the dirty wrong feeling, the smell, the betrayel. And while I might hate myself for it I hate you to. I feel like im made of hatred and I feel like everyone can tell, and i feel tainted. I just feel so alone and scared. I guess im just feeling alot of horrable feeling. I hate you so much.
I'm so sorry you're feeling like this right now, it sounds like everything must be very overwhelming and confusing. What happened wasn't your fault, and there is nothing to hate yourself for. Please, if you feel like you need help, keep contacting the services. It's not too much if you need it.
"And sometimes when our fights begin,
I think I'll let the Dragons win...
And then I think perhaps I won't,
Because they're Dragons, and I don't."
Thanks Ailsa. Im in physical and mental pain right now. I think the voices have started abit to (feels embaressed admitting that), I feel split in two, part of me thinks I must be absolutely mental but the other part of me think nah theres notihng wrong with you your over exagurating, if there was something wrong with you people would help you, and you would of killed yourself by now. which makes me want to do it just to prove me wrong. Soo maybe there is nothing wrong with me, maybe my mind is just over active. And if thats true it means i can start harming again cos im not doing it as part of illness because im well!
that part that says that nothing is wrong is not correct. i'm not a doctor or anything, but i've been on this site a long time, and you definitely are not overreacting. if the professionals aren't giving support it is because the system is broken, not because you don't merit it.
killing yourself to prove something to yourself feels reasonable but actually makes no sense. i mean, you wouldn't be around to feel the satisfaction of something being proven.
you said something a few posts back about not being able to concentrate to watch a movie... i wonder if you could watch kids cartoons?
this is my magical medicine cabinet. Left to right they contain: courage, hope, calmness, and strength.
The magical part: They NEVER run out, so borrow some any time you want.
I'm not ok, Im not ok, Im not ok. I dont deserve help fine what the fuck ever. I feel like noone cares, I feel alone and I just want help and support. At the moment it feels like noone would care if i died, not the doctors, not friends maybe not even fmaily. What do i have to live for? I miss feeling numb I hate the intensity of this.
I can manage to watch shorter tv programs. and i do try to watch them to distract mysself. But why should I try if i dont care and noone else carees?
I called my gps receptionist and she said shes going to call someone. Im not sure if shes calling my old psyche or my going to be new one but least shes calling someone. *needs help*
Oh for fucks sake. I got called back apparently il here from someone soon. What is soon? she asked if il be ok in the mean time and i said i guess so. i than asked if it was ok ok to see a doctor. they were fully booked. she made me tell her id be ok and said i could call back in a emergency. What do you class as an emergency? im suicidal and the thought of going through this weekend alone fill me with dread. I called because I was feeling desperate if i didnt feel this bad I wouldnt of called. But i cant call back and say its emergency cos the only reason I want to go is to get some benzos and i know they cant help me anyway other than that. And i cant make the doctors stay over time for that. I just nearly od-ed had all the pills in my hand but part of my mind told me to stop being stupid so i put them back, the pills I was about to take wouldnt of been fatally bada anyway the worst they would do is make me throw up for a few days.. I wish i could just make up my mind.
I'm glad you feel a bit better after sleeping, and well done for doing that - I know sometimes it just feels like it's only a matter of time until your mood drops again, but try to make the most of the time when you're ok, and remember that you're mood doesn't "have to" drop. Anything could happen :)
"And sometimes when our fights begin,
I think I'll let the Dragons win...
And then I think perhaps I won't,
Because they're Dragons, and I don't."
