I still care, I always care. I hope you'll always text if you need someone to talk to, even though I know I'm not much use!
If you're offered a female only and in your area then if you can do that it would be great. What happened last time was horrible, but you have to remember that it's not the norm and the chances of it happening again are very slim. You can also make it clear to them that what happened last time really bothered you and that if it was to happen again you would most definitely leave.
The small part of you knows that it's the right thing to do if you can manage it *skiwsh*
There will always be a happy ending. If its not happy then its not yet the end.
^ Thing is the last ward wasn't terrible they were just horrendously understaffed and stuck with patients who should have been in PICU (Psychiatric intensive care unit) and they didn't have the resources to deal with anything or anyone properly, but it still scared the shit out of me.
The restraining I do completely appreciate was necessary but it scared me to shit and they didn't have the staff for someone to come and talk to me afterwards. They didn't even have the staffing levels for 1 to 1 obs which I would have hated but would have been marginally better than locking my bedroom door, making me stay in the main lounge against my will so they could keep an eye without losing a staff member and just following me to the bathroom (frequently not happening because even in handover they were so over run that I could still lock myself in a bathroom and cut).
It wasn't a bad ward. It was just on it's arse with the strain on it. I can't even go into other things about it.
I just still feel so bloody hopeless. I want to...well. I'm sure you can imagine. The local surgery got scared here and called people and I had a meeting today and will prob see the Crisis team here for a bit. They're coming tomorrow. So I am getting help. I am scared they'll try and admit me though, and they might be right or wrong and I just can't THINK.
But most of me just want to die, help or no help... I don't know how long guilt can keep me here.
'Never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you.'
['There is only one thing we say to death. Not today'.']
'We are each our own devil, and we make this world our hell. Oscar Wilde
Its hard to dance with the devil on your back. Sydney Carter
That's good that you've got the crisis team there. I really hope they will be helpful. Text me at any time, yes?
Even if they were understaffed, it still sucks. Especially not sending someone in to talk to you after. But if you're offered somewhere different, it may not be.
You said before a small part of you wants the admission and help, so maybe that's the answer.
I know it's hard, I really wish I could help more.
I guess if you're not sure, let them guide you and talk to your parents. If you're as open as possible with crises then between you all you should be able to make the right decision for you. Even if it's a bit scary and rubbish
*cuddles*
The last bit, you don't. Like you may do sometimes, but if you don't the rest of the time then nope. You have tonnes of people who care about you, and it would ruin them (me included). We love you lots, and we're all here for you to help you work through this and get the help you need and deserve
There will always be a happy ending. If its not happy then its not yet the end.
Bit useless as I've just woken up, but I'll reply properly later. You told me, and I agreed, that discharging yourself from the other ward was not good, sweetheart, and having your own area on a female only ward sounds like it could be better for you. I don't care what you say, you are precious and deserve so much more than this.
Love you.
Now I'll play your ghost as my ace, whenever I'm led astray.
But I am actually good, can't help it if we're tilted.
I'm in my right place, don't be a downer.
I am sorry that I didn't see this earlier. I wish the earlier admission had worked out for you but there us no sense in staying somewhere that didn't sound like much help for you. Could you research the new ward and maybe get a feel for seeing if it would work out better for you? Or maybe one of your parents could or something.
I am sorry you are not well but I am glad that you are getting help for that. Well, hopefully you will be getting help that works for you.
If the help is actually offered to you then you need to grasp at it with both hands and take it. I know the other ward was awful but this one could be much better and I know what your dad's like but this is for your benefit; he'll get over it once he realises it's for the best. You can't go on like this, you know you can't, something's got to be done. We're all here behind you every step of the way but you've got to make that first step again, yus?
*sending lots of love and fluff and Halle Berry goodness*
The only time you will find real light is when you're searching in the dark..
Katy, I think I can speak for all the RYL-ers here in saying that we all hope you recover soon and believe in your ability to do so! Stay safe. & we love you
Just wanted to drop in and say that I honestly think you've done the best thing at the time. I've been on shitty wards before and really, if you are somewhere like that even if you are unsafe in the community being there is unlikely to help on any level. Even if they staff are well intentioned and just unstaffed, that is not your problem and you deserve the right kind of care and it should be consistent. Try and not give yourself a hard time about it, it was not your fault, nor is it your fault for being ill or going through a hard time right now.
I've also been so dependent on being able to do my course(s) and when I got kicked out of training for being ill it felt like the end of the world. It was horrific. This will be really hard to see but when you are stronger you will be able to either go back or find something that you feel as passionate about. For me, I could never go back to what I was doing before just because of the nature of being ill and how demanding it was, but now I am doing something that I can both handle and I get a lot out of. I know it's hard but try and put that aside for now.
If hope you do get offered something like a female ward closer to you. To be honest you should have already been offered this. At the very least if there were not beds in your area they should have given you a the closest female bed, in a private hosp if need be.
And I doubt this counts for much but I'm certainly not mad at you or anything :) Please know my PM box is open (I'm inpatient myself so might take longer than normal to get back but I def will)
Thanks for all the replies. I nearly got admitted last night but there were no beds. Slipped up with the self harm but parents gave me lorazepam which calmed things down and let me sleep through the worst of it. seeing the crisis team again today which should help, the woman I saw yesterday was very helpful.
'Never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you.'
['There is only one thing we say to death. Not today'.']
'We are each our own devil, and we make this world our hell. Oscar Wilde
Its hard to dance with the devil on your back. Sydney Carter
Now I'll play your ghost as my ace, whenever I'm led astray.
But I am actually good, can't help it if we're tilted.
I'm in my right place, don't be a downer.
I'm sorry I've been a bit absent myself lately. I care about you very much and in now way could I be mad at you; I understand what you're going through is tough now and why you felt you couldn't be honest before as the threat of being kicked off the course was looming etc.
As for now, I'm sorry things are still so hard. Is there the option of the woman only hospital? I'm glad the crisis team are coming and I hope you're able to be honest with them about how you're feeling.
You're doing great work by reaching out and talking to the crisis team and letting your parents help you with the medication to give you rest from this for a bit, so I'm proud of you for doing that. Keep fighting Katy, I know it's hard and difficult but we love you so much and you CAN get through this.
Thanks for all the love and stuff. A psych doctor and such are coming out to see me today, after finding out how suicidal I've been feeling and such. They made me tell my parents by threatening me with the mental health act if I didn't, but then they're still threatening the sodding mental health act and I think I might be being admitted against my will 0.o Scared my parents to death last night and I don't even remember most of it because of Lorazepam and distress combined but what I do remember makes me feel incredibly guilty as I was completely out of control and trying to leave, and I just can't stand to remember even the tiny snapshots I do have.
So generally I'm just terrified about everything. And I have ALL of the guilt.
'Never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you.'
['There is only one thing we say to death. Not today'.']
'We are each our own devil, and we make this world our hell. Oscar Wilde
Its hard to dance with the devil on your back. Sydney Carter
Katy *skiwish*
It's good they coming out, they can help.
As I said in text by people knowing they can help you and keep you safe which you do need right now. It's horrible to have to tell your parents but they'll over all be glad to know to be there for you
You can do this, you're strong. Today may be hard but you need it & people are here to help Xxxxx
There will always be a happy ending. If its not happy then its not yet the end.
