Sorry, I should have maybe been more clear. I don't fully understand how it will work. By 'we', I meant my 'care pathways manager' i.e my care co-ordinator which is my social worker and I. She discusses it with my team and I and they put in an application for a certain type of treatment and treatment length to be approved by the GP before it can be funded. She said they are now being told to look at stabilising people and then discharging them back to GP. I have to push forward harder with recovery to try and improve or face being discharged. I have been trying recently (believe it or not). I'm finding it really hard to do these things though when it feels so 'wrong' and I am worried I won't be able to improve, or at least not fast enough and then I will be discharged with no support apart from my GP (who I have never met) and ironically that worrying is making me feel worse!
I've been looking the course up online to try and get some more information. I am not going to dismiss the help. I am actually feeling more comfortable with doing the course now I know more about it but it does seem incredibly repetitive of stuff that I have already done.
~Phoenix~ is my Little Sister of Awesomeness and Self-Delusion :P Bitter Angel is my Mitten Animad is my Top Trump All Im Living For - Is my beautiful and special daughter who isnt called Kim but will moan if i dont add her :P
Your system sounds very strange. I would be considered stable, but have still been with a clinical psychologist for 4 years and it is entirely up to him how long I see him for and my GP has no control over it.
Feel Bad. Really bad. Triggered....triggered plannings. Need to be stronger than this. Better. Scared though. All at the same time. I just need things to make sense. I need a hug. How could I even believe a uni would accept me part time to continue my degree....pathetic. How could I think psychology would be able to help. Evil, BAD. I know that. But I feel so alone, so sad, so scared. I don't want to be by myself with this
~Phoenix~ is my Little Sister of Awesomeness and Self-Delusion :P Bitter Angel is my Mitten Animad is my Top Trump All Im Living For - Is my beautiful and special daughter who isnt called Kim but will moan if i dont add her :P
Your psych help doesn't sound too good. Or they sound a bit preoccupied with shoving you through the system as quickly as possible.
I only read a few of your posts so I'm sorry if I'm repeating what has been said already but cutting and negative or harming thoughts are a product of something deeper.
Perhaps going for a different kind of therapy could help rather than just trying to get rid of the harming?
Let go when you’re hurting too much, give up when love isn’t enough and move on when things are not like before. There is someone out there who will love you even more,
surely then, you will know true love.
Thank you all. Sarah my psychiatrist changes so often it is laughable but I do believe my social worker is trying the best she can with the options available.
Matt: I guess I'm just scared that psychology will say no and there is also a massive part of me that is scared of the consequences of them saying yes as well. I've looked a lot into the course and whilst I am more comfortable with it and less concered I think (I don't know is scared or hopeful may be a better explanation) that it is not going to work. I'm scared it won't but at the same time at least if that is the case then I don't have to deal so much with the mental backlash of doing the course. I don't know what I want....I just know I don't want *this*. I have looked at the week by week break down and it just seems so 'untailored' to me or so 'not me' it is a joke. I guess I want someone to come up with something revolutionary, or intense, however scary. I think I could be more hopeful if it was, but this course....it just doesn't seem right and I am scared at the same time it will make me resentful of mental health services. I only just got over that from my last area and it took A LOT No of emotional effort to do that. The course has not even got enough funding to offer the level of support that the course 'writers' suggest. I feel like I am actually going to lose support and help rather than anything else. I just don't know what to do. And it is not as simple as just trying everything offered because I can quite easily see the lack of individual support (i.e by losing a regular contact like my care co-ordinator who would not be replaced) as being a massive set back. I am terrified of becoming really ill again. And yes, there is the chance that won't happen....but I know myself and how I react and how I have done historically. I want to try this course in case it can help but in doing so I lose support (which is the exact opposite of what the course writer's recommend) and in trying to get well I know I will need more support to counteract the negative side. I don't know how to cope with the extra self abuse and the lack of support. I am barely coping now.
I'm scared.....Really scared. And alongside the fear from that, I have the added issues of the possibility my housing is in limbo and at any time I could be told I have to move in X months and also the wait to see what happens with uni. I always wanted to go to uni but have been 'taking time off' since March 2009. I tried to go back that year and made myself really ill again. I have applied to go back part time next month and am still waiting a decision. Whatever the result, this is going to cause a massive upheaval. If I go back then the reasons are obvious, if I don't then I am kissing goodbye to everything I ever dreamed of including the career I always wanted, forever. That may sound melodramatic but funding (and the fact I have already used some of it before 2009) means if I don't go back now then I never will and even 'well' me will have to replan everything I ever wanted. It is one thing changing your plan and adapting, it is another finding over 20 years of planning is not possible because of your mental limitations.
I am scared about everything, every possible outcome. And I feel terribly alone. I should just cope better.
Ah ok i didnt know if you meant a psychology course at uni or the actual treatment you get.
4 years ago a psychiatrist i was under (who i now know with hindsight was completely insane), tried to get me into a 12 month residential for people with Borderline. All the letters were sent and i was posted a big package detailing the course and the accomodation and all that jazz. It totally freaked me out because i knew 100% i was NOT borderline! At first i went a long with it because i didnt know any better, but after a few months it really started to dig at me and then i knew i did not want to go and would not go on it. Thankfully i changed areas and got a new psych up here who questioned me and was happy i knew i wasnt Borderline, as he did not agree with the diagnoses at all. I was given the chance to give my reasons why and pretty much everything i said to state my case was agreed upon and accepted.
Basically what im saying is that if it feels that wrong in your head to do this then you do have the choice. I would also get some advice from others too. Im not sure if you can ask for a second opinion but there are huge difference in approach and attitude with many of the psychs.
Sadly, (and a little shockingly) i find it almo0st impossible to believe they would take your care off you by not going onto this course. I really do think you need to get some advice. Im not sure where to turn but i would perhaps start with your GP if you have a good relationship with them, or another person within the MHT you have a good raport with and take it from there. You need, of course, to make sure your decision is qualified and backed up by either those who know you or someone medical who can assure you that you are making a valid informed choice and that this isnt your mind playing tricks on you.
When it was me i spoke to my friends here who i trusted and who knew me well, i spoke to some of my family and i also spoke to pretty much anyone in the MHT who would listen.
I cant help with accom, but it will get sorted. As for uni, you are still young and theres plenty of time. the finances will sort themselves. you may have to do OU or just part time or do it over 5 years, but where there is a will there is a way. (i really need to say that to myself)
*sticks a small robin in your pants*
~Phoenix~ is my Little Sister of Awesomeness and Self-Delusion :P Bitter Angel is my Mitten Animad is my Top Trump All Im Living For - Is my beautiful and special daughter who isnt called Kim but will moan if i dont add her :P
I might not have explained very well, I know I wouldn't lose support straight away if I didn't do the course, well at least I don't think I would but there is no other psychology or psychotherapy on offer and my social worker said you only keep funding if it is shown to be effective in helping you get better and I think in some ways my social worker does help, but it is really slow and bumpy a couple of comments have worried me that I am not progressing quickly enough and under the new system would therefore be kicked out. I don't know. I'm really confused. The only thing I do know is that if I DO do the course then I won't have the support of my social worker as it is now for the duration of the course. I would see her for less time and it has to be 'strictly to work on skills from the course' and nothing else and that scares me too.
I have not turned it down. I have another appointment with the psychologist and someone else next Tuesday to discuss it more with them. I am also seeing my new psych at the end of the month so I will talk to her as well. My social worker is on holiday this week but I will bring it up next week. I have discussed it with some of my family and also one of my friends and they are trying to be supportive but even they aren't convinced this is right for me. The course is called 'systems training in emotional predictability and problem solving' and a lot of it is about how your emotions and thoughts impact your relationships with people on a weekly basis and well....I just don't think that is something that is a major problem for me and neither do my friends or family!
I'm sorry to be a pain and I know I'm probably being repetitive and ranty. I'm just scared and I'm not even 100% sure what of, it seems like everything and every possible outcome!
Don't put pressure by giving yourself 'should haves', 'would haves'. We all cope differently and I know that I really struggle to cope with even basic things on bad days.
Even on a good day I'll struggle to get up before 10am.
Be kind to yourself xx
Let go when you’re hurting too much, give up when love isn’t enough and move on when things are not like before. There is someone out there who will love you even more,
surely then, you will know true love.
I'm not very good with words tonight, but just wanted to say that I read this and I'm thinking of you - I can see why this situation is so difficult for you, and you have nothing to apologise for in posting here.
Thank you all. I really appreciate any kind words and/or hugs at the moment.
Matt, I just reread your post more clearly, I just wanted to add something to my response if you don't mind :p I still stand by my previous response post but I was thinking since then about whether my attitude to the course is justified enough or not. If I am brutally honest then I do feel some what a casualty to the 'BPD diagnosis'. It feels a lot of the time that no matter what I say or how I react or behave that it is somehow blamed on 'your personality disorder'. Sometimes I want to scream at them and ask if their opinion would be the same if I was a 50 year old male presenting with the same symptoms. From past experiences though, such an outburst then gets blamed on 'emotional instability' or 'inappropriate displays of emotions as a result of poor impulse control, a further example of destructive/self damaging behaviour' (seriously).
I would quite like one of my friends or family members to speak to my psych or someone but I don't have anyone who could really do that. My Mum is too mentally vulnerable herself and I don't want to put her through the stress, I don't speak too much to my Dad and my middle sister is in the process of going to uni. As to my friends....my close friends are all aware I have some 'problems', they also know about the hospitalisations/self harm but not about any of the 'core' stuff and I don't feel it is appropriate or necessary to put it on them, at least not just for the fact it might benefit me to have them 'fight my corner'. I guess I'm just upset and frustrated. I have seen PD specialist services before for assessments and been told they aren't sure but that yes, I may have traits of BPD (and the ironic thing is I could quite happily accept and agree with the 'traits' summary of that!) but they also believed I fulfilled the criteria for Recurring Major Depressive Disorder and also Obsessional Compulsive Personality Disorder (mainly because of my view on self harm). They also told me at the time though that any intervention for PD help may do more harm than good and that it is equally possible that I actually have a disorder that falls somewhere on the bipolar spectrum (I have a family history). This was early 2010. I guess I should be pleased to be offered any help for my 'PD issues' at all. I just....I don't know.....I just feel like they aren't really listening to me, how I am and what I am saying and it upsets and irritates me. My social worker told me I don't exhibit classic signs and that maybe I 'just have a mild form of BPD or minimal traits' but if that IS the case then surely I should be strong enough to manage better and cope with day to day life??
In my unqualified opinion Borderline is perhaps the most spurious peice of psychological crap ever invented! I believe the bloody thing didnt even exist until around 10 years ago. From the little i know of it and from talking to both my former psychiatrist and my current psychotherapist every single one of us, be it sane or completely loopy, ALL display traits of BPD. There is no exception. People who merrily go around telling others they have triats or infact themselves running around claiming to have traits are perhaps correct, but that doesnt make them ill or BPD! I have traits, you have traits and so does Mr 100% sane UK (Mrs and Miss too).
One of the main things in my defence that i put forward was that i was not compulsive about my moods and actions. I was self aware and moreso aware of those around me especially in their relationships towards me and me towards them. I was not flying off the handle one moment and in peoples faces the next etc etc. My self harm wasnt out of control, and compulsive. My self harm was frequent because i wanted it to be! No amount of DBT would have stopped it because i didnt need it. I just needed to get my depression lifted enough to learn why it was i ended up hating myself so badly!
Now i have/had Major depressive disorder and recurrent Depressions that have been hard to treat. I have also had GAD and now i have it less severely. I knew that my self harm was bad but it was my choice because i felt the need to punish myself. I was severely depressed and that was all. Anyone could have bolted on other things if they wanted because if you look hard enough you can tailor any condition to your needs. My old psych was going to put me on Lithium at one point. I was set for the heart tests and everything because she said i have every symptom of Bipolar apart from the fact i dont go manic (WTF?????)..
So as you can see its not black and white and some people just want to pigeonhole. Ive never had a good self image, ive always been melancholy at times alone and ive always been a worrier.
Im not saying their diagnoses is good or bad. Im not saying you are right or wrong at all. Im saying that you need back up from friends and family regarding your thoughts. I didnt mean for them to go to the psych with you. I went alone, but i had back up in my mind because i knew i was supported in how i felt.
You need to ask yourself if the elements of this course are right for you. Perhaps askign family and friends regarding the symptoms could be a way to know if your hunch is right?? Alternatively it could be that they do agree you are in need of this kind of treatment and that you arent in a right mind to make the decision. The incident withthe crisis team the other night could be considered to be very borderline due to the irrational way you dealt with it in the spur of the moment, but at the same time this could have just felt like the final straw and been a natural reaction to something thats just made you snap that one time??
Its hard to write down exactly how i want this to come out. but basically get as much info from others before you decide and try to get a second opinion and perhaps even askthe MHT why they label you borderline if at all.
~Phoenix~ is my Little Sister of Awesomeness and Self-Delusion :P Bitter Angel is my Mitten Animad is my Top Trump All Im Living For - Is my beautiful and special daughter who isnt called Kim but will moan if i dont add her :P
also just to add to my rant about BPD, i storngly believe that if you are an adult and you self harm it is often the "got to" diagnoses, because harming is one of the symptoms and they seem to think it must all be compulsive and irrational behavioural, hence a course of DBT. *sigh* sorry.
~Phoenix~ is my Little Sister of Awesomeness and Self-Delusion :P Bitter Angel is my Mitten Animad is my Top Trump All Im Living For - Is my beautiful and special daughter who isnt called Kim but will moan if i dont add her :P
Thanks for your long reply Matt. I am actually kind of torn on how to respond to some of it (maybe I do have BPD! :p). Seriously though, it has made me think quite a lot and quite seriously.
I was wondering if anyone could offer some advice on the next thing (and I'm sorry for how pathetic it seems). As some may know....I had my place at Uni confirmed a couple of days ago, to go back part time to complete the degree I started before everything well and truely fell apart a couple of years ago. I am excited. I really am. This was what I always wanted to do. It is a better course for ME than the last one I started and am transferring from. I should be pleased. I know that.
I just....well....the very thought of the practicalities of it makes me want to be physically sick....it is literally like someone has pulled a plug or something and my head starts swimming and nothing feels real and I can't breathe properly. I have a scheduled psychiatrist appointment at the end of the month and I was considering asking her to represcribe me some regular anxiety medication to help me manage. Even the thought of being on campus/in lectures/seminars is literally overwhelming. I have tried to go back once before and failed miserably. The problem is that historically taking regular medication is a MASSIVE trigger/issue for me. I know it should be 'if you want to feel better then take it', but it honestly is not that black and white. It petrifies me. Even taking physical health related meds will often trigger a panic attack/sickness.
But I genuinely don't know how to cope with Uni if I don't have something to help. I have put in place certain things to try and help. I have a meeting with the mental health advisor at the university this Wednesday. I am also planning on going to the campus to get my bearings a couple of times before term starts, I will probably start by going in the evening when it is dark (I KNOW already that is kind of pathetic) so hopefully there will be almost nobody there. I have also briefly discussed having a friend come with me for the first couple of lectures to make it easier and less stressful. I don't really know what else to do though.
It feels very 'wrong' and 'dangerous' for me to be trying to move forwards, it honestly does. I am scared of the consequences, even though logically I know that is the 'ill' part of me kicking off. I just don't know what to do though. How do I deal with the anxiety uni poses? I feel like this is actually making me More 'ill'/messed up! But maybe I have just been living a life where I have rarely had to voluntarily do anything that is difficult so that I have avoided dealing with a lot of my issues. That scares me too though! Thinking about seminars, in a room with 10-12 people discussing history or literature for an hour literally feels like pure HELL right now! I do WANT to do it, I really do but....I want to do it comfortably. I don't want to put myself through hell to get a piece of paper.
I REALLY WANT that piece of paper though and I want to enjoy the experience of getting it though! My mood/enthusiasm/excitement etc lifted higher than it has in years when I got confirmation of my place. And it felt so Amazing to have people fussing etc because of a positive reason! I just feel like someone has been holding me with a rock tied around my waist above a cliff though and that they are about to drop me! I AM excited but I am also petrified. I don't know what to do to make this 'safer' for me.
Have you applied for the disability allowance for students? You could also see if you can have a support worker/mentor to be with you initially to help you settle in. Having agreed plans like making sure you are sat near a door in case you need to leave will also help you fell more comfortable. If there are times you can't cope with seminars then make sure you get a recording. The MH advisor is likely to have even more ideas to make this a successful time for you.
Thank you for replying and your suggestions. I can't get a support worker from the CMHT since mine has literally only just been stopped. The guy I am seeing on Wednesday did mention possibly having a mentor but I thought he said (and I may be wrong) that this would have to be funded by DSA or would be as a result of being awarded DSA? I'm not sure. I have not applied for it yet, I think he said he would make some enquiries and help me with it on Wednesday. Can you get a recording of seminars? I was thinking about taking a voice recorder to lectures with me so I could listen to it and make better notes afterwards (concentration) but I wasn't sure if that would be allowed? I'm also worried about doing group projects and presentations. I don't want to let people down. I'm also theoretically starting this psychology group around the same time as uni (I have the final assessment/meeting/discussion thing) on Tuesday. I don't know how that will effect things either. I know I SHOULD be able to cope with this stuff, I mean other people manage a lot more. I'm just not sure how to though.
I guess I will speak to my social worker and the mental health advisor next week and see what they suggest.
Hi Emma.
Sorry I haven't checked in on you for a while but life has been ... life. All I can offer you at the moment is *hugs* and well wishes due to the hour, but please know they are heart-sent. You have made some massive steps and I am proud. In terms of recording your seminar, ask whoever is in charge or organising it a day or two before. Usually lecturers, tutors and the like don't mind you recording if it is only for your benefit (i.e. you aren't selling the recording), so it's worth asking the question.
She shouts, she screams, she smashes your dreams . . .
Would you mind if I killed you? Would you mind if I tried to?
'Cause you have turned into my worst enemy,
You carry hate that I don't feel: It's over now WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
* Proud Plumeria Sister * My Support Thread * I got lei'd in vets *
* My RYL Family: big brother Doikers; little sisters MammaMia & flutterby butterfly *
I would definitely look into applying for DSA. They should allow you to make voice recordings of lectures and/or seminars so that you can listen to it at a time when you can concentrate on it better (many lecturers will let people do this anyway so long as they ask before doing it).
They can definitely do things to help you with group projects and presentations. I had to do two presentations at uni and ended up doing neither of them - one just because my partner didn't turn up, but the other because I was so anxious about it so they gave me a concession (i.e. didn't count it towards the marks) - and I didn't have DSA, so DSA gives that further 'protection' meaning that you don't have to use it but it takes the pressure off because it's there if you do need it.
Universities can be very very good at helping with mental health, don't be afraid of talking to them about it. I had a pretty high number of mental health incidents in my second and third year of uni, and they were brilliant about it. Sometimes it can help just to have them know in advance so that it avoids the whole 'getting to know you' and referral time if things reach a point where you need help.
