When you're no longer harming but you're still hurting - Page 3

~Grace~ · 19-07-2011, 10:37 PM

Sam, I just wanted you to know that i read and that i care and that i am so so sorry I know my words do nothing to take it away...but to have written what you wrote and have noone say anything...i really wanted to.

About the situation your husband is in...could he carry one of those small recording machines. They would easily fit in a pocket and all you do is slide a switch and push the record button....i used to use one in therapy with permission. Argos used to do them...could that be classed as evidence?

Gentle hugs hun xxx

Rain Keeper · 20-07-2011, 04:18 AM

Sam,

You are a true hero and wonderful woman...I am amazed at your strength... I have thought of you and prayed for you often...I hope you are seeing clearly today...

Rain

Mrs Sam · 20-07-2011, 07:56 AM

Thank you both for replying.

I guess a difficult therapy session triggered some memories and thoughts. Plus I'm off work sick again which doesn't help when I spend a long time on my own.

There's a lot going on in my head right now. I don't know. Things are just a bit messed up.

Sorry.

Margo · 22-07-2011, 05:41 PM

love you lots xxx

call me soon ok. xxx

Mrs Sam · 28-07-2011, 06:49 PM

He always comes back when I'm alone. He just knwos.

I'm trying not to beloeve him. It's hard. I'm sure he's ok.

Margo · 28-07-2011, 06:52 PM

Try not to think of him as him and more of an it. they are thoughts and they come when you are alone because its a vulnerable time. We all get more scared when alone and its easier to drift off and over think.

This voice is just a bully and thats all. Its pulling out all the dirty tricks because it has no balls!

Are you still telling Simon and parents you are ok and theres nothing to worry about and that your just being stupid and " go on ill be fine you have a lovely time"?

Mrs Sam · 28-07-2011, 08:08 PM

sory, i'm ok was jsut being a bit daft xxx#

i'm not attention seekign

Margo · 28-07-2011, 09:44 PM

Yeah and there you go again. you are NOT daft.

do they know the extent of all this or are you telling them you are fine ?

Sam you got to be open with them. xxx

Ha and you are definately not an attention seeker!

Mrs Sam · 28-07-2011, 10:06 PM

I'm mostly being ok. I'm jst not usualt alone. It just hits me sometimes. He catches me ff guard. I'm just an incubator anyway. Uou don't need to worry about the machinery just the thing growig inside. I'm keepig him safe. I can usualt handle the words.

Margo · 28-07-2011, 10:13 PM

you have pink powers remember!!!

Margo · 28-07-2011, 10:19 PM

and stop apologising! You deserve so much love and help and kindness and i just wish i could do more to help. love love lvoe

xxxx

Mrs Sam · 28-07-2011, 10:36 PM

Sorry I had to apologise. I am ok. There is no voice. I apologise for my behaviour. It's inappropriate.

I don't know what else to say. I am ok because although I can't get under the bed I can lie close go it and cover up safely. It makes me feel safe.

There isn't much to say. I am doing it again. It's all a bit confusing. I will go and rest now.

Merc · 28-07-2011, 11:10 PM

I hope you can rest, Sam.
This sounds so horribly frightening and confusing...
Pls try to let S and others know what's happening.
And no, you are not an attention seeker, Sam.
*sends love*

Mrs Sam · 01-08-2011, 04:14 PM

Thank you all.

I never kept the exact date in my head as I didn't want an anniversary to remember but I've always associated it with today. I don't know why. 3 years.

I don't know why I'm typing this. I guess I just feel rather sad? Triggered? I don't know. Just odd.

Mrs Sam · 02-08-2011, 06:54 PM

I have all these really nasty bruises from my blood tests. They stuck me lots of times because my veins are so horrid. I don't want them to go. They ache and look horrid and i like them. I like the pain and the fact there's something tangible that i can see. I guess self harm used to give me that.

I'm so all over at the minute. Sometimes i just feel like i'm faking everything because i feel fine, like perfectly normal. Then something will happen and i'll realise how odd my behaviour still is. How my mood is still pretty up and down. I dunno its not even my mood really, its all the other stuff. I honestly don't think i have any depression related illness right now. But the voices and when i'm alone and everything just goes weird and my thoughts and hands and everything. Plus my self care right now is horrendous. But then in other ways i really am perfectly normal.

I guess i've always been able to judge myself by my depression. The physical stuff i associate with my depression. But that stuff isn't really there, well not in a way that makes me able to judge it. But i know i don't feel well.

My therapist talked about how i'm high risk post natal psychosis stuff. And how they need to keep a really close eye on me and stuff and on the one hand i'm thinking that its all so OTT and stuff but then something happens and i realise that me + baby + crazy behaviour won't end so well. Although, i'd never harm my baby or anything but i don't know if i'll look after myself so well, especially being on maternity for so long.

I have therapy tomorrow and i'm going to discuss all of these things (i'm pretty good at talking about important stuff in therapy now) but i just don't know what difference it might make. Because without meds to control the crazies there's nothing i can really do about any of it.

Hum de hum.

Margo · 02-08-2011, 07:15 PM

Aside form the pregnancy thing i can relate almost 100% to a lot of that. As one whos been pushing for years for you to say more in therapy, that last paragraph just made me do a big smile.

Im proud of you xxx

Mrs Sam · 02-08-2011, 07:39 PM

I think that the realisation that I need to be more well for baby has pushed me a bit. There's still stuff I can't say in therapy but now I'm able to tell her that like we will get to a point then I'll say I can't talk about that right now. She's tryif to get me to use drawing in sessions or writing but that's not my thing so I'm worried if I try one of them will come out which I don't want to happen as I'm doing quite well at suppressing them.

Margo · 02-08-2011, 07:53 PM

Do you trust your therapist? Cus if you do then try to put some of your trust into her and let go a little and dont be so frightened of saying rthe wrong thing. there is no such thing as the "wrong thing" in therapy anyways. Its all there for a reason sweetheart.

the baby is the perfect focus for you and its what you need. there is nothing wrong in that. We all need something and for the majority of us its usually not totally self oriented.

I know you get scared and i know its scary, i really really do! Its easier to give advice than to take it, but i know you can do this.

Love you xxx

Mrs Sam · 02-08-2011, 08:24 PM

Yeah I totally trust her. Just when I "let go" I usually say tthings I'll regret. I am trying though and I guess making slow progress. Just in the meantime things are a bit fragile.

Thank you.

Margo · 02-08-2011, 08:27 PM

Talk to her about lettting go. Perhaps if you discaussed what will happen if you do with her and she sorts some sort of safe thing you would feel better?

I know you are fragile hun. You are doing amazingly well. I know it can sound patronising at times but you really are and i really mean it. I know how hard it is for you, but i also know how totally genuine you are. You have real needs Samuel!

Try and do something nice this evening. Watch some comedy on 4Od or iplayer and distract yourself for a while. xxx