I'm the cause of all my parents pain. It was my responsibility to make them happy and well but all I did was cause them extra stress and strain by being alive. My existence was very much unwanted and my Dad hated me for being alive. He's always wanted me dead; he couldn't do it himself because he would get sent down so it was left to me. I've tried and failed twice. He is a very sad and angry man, my mum is very sick herself. I cause everyone problems just by being alive. I should be dead. It's ridiculous that I have the cheek to ask for help. It's ridiculous I haven't committed suicide yet. The extent that my Dad taught me I was worthless was like a whole other level than just not deserving stuff; it was that I was actively...almost evil...to be around.
You are not responsible for anyone's happiness but your own. I have a hard time accepting that, and have to keep working at it, but it's true.
Seems like both your parents are emotionally unwell in their own ways, perhaps depressed also. It is not easy to navigate being a parent and having profound emotional troubles. I know from my parents also. But that doesn't mean that their illnesses are your fault. The roots of their troubles probably existed years before you did, and they were perhaps ill equipped to be parents, but that doesn't mean that YOU caused them pain. A child just wants and needs to be loved and feel wanted, and will do all she can to secure that. That's natural and normal and human. A child becomes confused and bewildered and feels lost when her natural needs and wants and rights are not fulfilled. It's very painful.
I understand that deep feeling of being evil and bad. It comes from having others darknesses put into you, and from not being filled with love and acceptance.
You are not bad or evil, but all the pain makes it seem so.
I spoke to my GP and he said he couldn't do anything about an ED referral, or chase up Liaison psych, that it was down to my psych. I haven't heard anything from my psych, my CPN or psychologist. They will all have had the letter by now. I'm furious at my CPN for not bothering, again. My GP was annoyed that he hadn't been invited to the CPA as well. He says that there might be another booked for 4th July, which is like a month, and that he would make sure I knew about it. I'm grateful that he called and he's done what he can.
Last edited by when.will.it.end : 08-06-2011 at 05:01 PM.
My experience with cpn's hvent been great so I sympathise. It's exhausting when it's us who have to chase these things up when it isn't suppose to b our responsibility. Sounds like your gp is on your side so I guess it's just holding on till the 4th July. Do u have some sort of support up until then? Incase you hit crisis point? X
Erm it's complicated. I have my GP but he can't do much and I have an appointment this week but I haven't seen the person for months. I need to speak with my psychologist but that will be about the letter and we wont be speaking about how I am.
Hon, if you feel as though you are unsafe, then you need to go to A&E- or get your mum to call someone. It is better for you to be in a safe place, than focus on things that you cannot control.
Yes you deserve better treatment, but staying safe is always a priority. Please know that we care about you here at RYL. Don't give up.
~Happy tomatoes together we will be~
You say toe- may- toe, I say toe- mah- toe:
Let's call the whole thing- red
“It’s time to lead the third revolution, which is not to say we want to be at the top of the world, but to say we want to change the world. Because the way the world has been designed by men is not working. It’s not working for women, it’s not working for men,
it’s not working for polar bears.” Arianna Huffington 2014
I haven't told my mum or any of them. If I tell them they'll get worried and it'll be more unlikely that I do it. I want to leave me options open. But I've been thinking of telling my GP but whats the point? They wont do anything and there isn't anything they can do anyway. I don't want to be in hospital. I'm coming to terms with the idea that this is it - I need get all my affairs in order and then I can go, quickly.
I think it would be a good idea to let your Mum know that you are having these thoughts. I know that is a scary thought, but I think it is for the best.
You deserve better treatment. Do you think you could get your Mum to help you in chasing the Psych and CPN for contact? It sounds like your Mum is supportive, so maybe speaking to her first will help.
Then, it would be a good idea to let the GP know as well - They can also give the CPN a metaphorical boot up the rear to get things done.
Be gentle with yourself. I know you are struggling a lot right now, and I know that takes a lot of energy, do try not to act your thoughts and plans - can you set yourself a target to delay it, maybe to wait until after you have seen the CPN?
Roiben x
If the Human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple that we wouldn't.
I mentioned it to her a couple of weeks ago but I think she thinks it's passed. Shes in hospital and isn't very well, I don't want to worry her and make her worse. I really can't let her know how seriously I'm thinking about it because she'll just freak out.
I just phoned my CPN and I'm seeing her next Monday - I want to hear what she has to say about the letter because I haven't heard from her. We wont be talking about how I am and I doubt I'll be working with her anymore after Monday. I have an appointment with my psych on 5th July but wont have any contact with him before then even though he hasn't contacted me about the letter either. There is a CPA being booked for 4th July. I don't know if there is any point of it or if I'll still be alive then.
I could tell my GP but he is away next week so I'd either have to phone for an appointment asap or stay alive for another week and try and see him then.
I think I'm going to do it on impulse. There is no other way - I don't want to think about it too much and talk myself out of it. I don't know what to do.
I'm such a mess.
Last edited by when.will.it.end : 13-06-2011 at 10:13 PM.
Katie,
You have a choice to make, especially because you are making such a brave effort to deal with the confusion in your care team. I can only imagine that it putting additional strain on you, but this is not something you need to go through alone.
I have finally found 1 person who realises when I am too far to ask for help. There are the times before that I didn't and I had to take myself to A&E in order to be safe.
You may feel like a mess and confused, but you are really important to us. Call/ Tell someone how you are feeling right now.
~Happy tomatoes together we will be~
You say toe- may- toe, I say toe- mah- toe:
Let's call the whole thing- red
“It’s time to lead the third revolution, which is not to say we want to be at the top of the world, but to say we want to change the world. Because the way the world has been designed by men is not working. It’s not working for women, it’s not working for men,
it’s not working for polar bears.” Arianna Huffington 2014
You are worth it and you need to make a choice to take control of your life and embrace it by getting help now when you clearly need it. Don't worry how your mum or GP will react. The important thing is to get someone to realise what you are going through right now and deal with it now today.
~Happy tomatoes together we will be~
You say toe- may- toe, I say toe- mah- toe:
Let's call the whole thing- red
“It’s time to lead the third revolution, which is not to say we want to be at the top of the world, but to say we want to change the world. Because the way the world has been designed by men is not working. It’s not working for women, it’s not working for men,
it’s not working for polar bears.” Arianna Huffington 2014
I just had an appointment with a woman whom is nice but I haven't seen for months - I asked her for an opinion about the letter. I was hoping she would ask how I was and I could tell her but it didn't happen. I'm fast running out of options. I phoned for an emergency appointment with my GP but he's not free until 28th I spoke to my mum yesterday and we had an argument. I'm meant to be seeing her on Sunday cos it's my birthday this week...
The only people left are my psychologist and CPN. I'm seeing my CPN on Monday and psychologist sometime next week I think. My CPN doesn't have a clue and I really don't like her much, my psychologist would freak out and I wasn't planning on telling her anything. Last time I told her I suicidal she bitched at me about the paper work I'd be leaving her.
****.
I think it's a lost cause and it's too late.
The thing is, I have an eight year old sister and are Dad and her mum are about to go to court for custody. I found out yesterday that I am going to have to give evidence sometime soon. It's another thing I need to do before I go, I don't think I'll be able to wait until I'm asked I'll just have to do a statement now. I'm going to be leaving my sister
Be honest. They can't help if they don't know what is really going on. Why don't you write notes on what you want to cover and then if you go and find you don't say what you want you can give them the letter.
I really don't think your psychologist meant it in a horrible way about the paperwork. Sounds like they were trying to calm the situation down, although I'd be hurt if mine said that.
How did the appointment go today?
I think that you are soooooo brave, and I hope that you will keep hanging in there taking it day by day. Family and finding the right MH support is a struggle but remember, you have to look at things from different perspectives.
One phrase I was given- my carers are not mind readers- if I do not tell them what I am thinking they will not know. I have had to be in uncomfortable situations in both ways, but in the long run I think that it is worth it. I have pushed to have my CPN changed when she was clearly suffering from burnout and used to be out of order in the things she said in my sessions.
But also appreciate that when you are in a heightened state of distress it is hard to accept the spirit in which some things are said.
Your priority to yourself is staying safe, and I do think that you owe it to yourself to keep reinforcing to yourself that you are loved by your family (as messed up as families are) and you are cared about on RYL.
Hugs
Last edited by bitomato : 17-06-2011 at 07:32 PM.
~Happy tomatoes together we will be~
You say toe- may- toe, I say toe- mah- toe:
Let's call the whole thing- red
“It’s time to lead the third revolution, which is not to say we want to be at the top of the world, but to say we want to change the world. Because the way the world has been designed by men is not working. It’s not working for women, it’s not working for men,
it’s not working for polar bears.” Arianna Huffington 2014
I'm now inpatient and there is a PALS office here, my Mum spoke to someone there and called in on the ward but I was hysterical so couldn't talk. I went in and dropped of the letter that we send to my team today so hopefully he'll read through it and call me today or tomorrow.It would be so nice having someone fighting for me. The ward I'm on isn't very nice either so maybe he can help with that.
Thanks so much for your support. You have no idea what it means to me right now. Love & hugs xxxxxxx
I havent read the whole of your story, but have had a brief flick through your posts and it sounds really similar to what im going through. I know I desperately need help and I dont think im going to make it to the end of next week. Getting through Monday seems an impossible task. I already took an OD last week, and I feel the same, if not more unsafe. But the CMHT have just been so useless. I havent seen them, apart from one assessment and when I phoned - for the first time ever yesterday saying I was unsafe they told me - 'Not to sit around moping and being depressed because that wont do any good and I couldnt be reliant on services to get me through' - that was the first time Id ever contacted them off my own back because I felt unsafe. It helps me a little knowing you also struggled to get the support you needed. I am so glad you are safe now, and that you had a great GP who helped you. I wish you all the best for your future. Hang in there, people tell me it does get better....
xx
'You never know how strong you are, until being strong is your only choice'
I spoke to my mum yesterday and we had an argument. I'm meant to be seeing her on Sunday cos it's my birthday this week...
