now what!

[lozza]

I am really struggling today. I just seem to be getting worse and I have no energy for anything. I cancelled my apt with L this morning. I couldnt see her I just couldnt. I dont even know if I will be able to see V on thursday!
and besides... I may be having my wound restitched then in day surgery so maybe I wont be able to go anyway!!!

I called my pdoc.... it was mostly cuz T told me it would be a good idea
I feel so little and small inside. I dont want to keep fighting I dont. My head is too fucking strong and there is no break from it. Even when I am busy its still fucking yelling and screaming at me.

And to make matters worse I NEED to speak to my butterfly to say goodbye. fuck fuck fuck

am I scared or am I not!!!! I dont even know anymore.

I just want an ending to this same fucking nightmare.
I will only wake up again to face the same shit. What is the point?

I hate me!!!!

[talaiporia]

I think it would be a good idea to still go to your appointment on Thursday. It sounds like you need to. What did your pdoc say? Did they say anything helpful?

What butterfly?

Stay safe.

[Crayon,]

See hun, obviously it was a good idea for you to call your pdoc, now she knows what's going on and next time you can really concentrate on whats going on for you. I know you're scared and you feel that you can't do anything anymore, but you CAN! You are an amazing person and although you've made some bad decisions you're TRYing to get better you went do your Doctors appointment this afternoon, you're still posting on here and you're still reaching out to others.
But you have to let the 'professionals' help you m'dear please just go with them and take care of yourself!
Oh and how did the doctors appointment go by the way?

[Revival]

Sweetheart I am so so sorry that I don't have any words right now, just wanted you to know that I love you heaps and am here if I can do anything to help, you know where I am *cuddles tight*

[lozza]

thanks guys

today was crap but I made a conscious choice to make plans to go away for the weekend... so maybe that will help?

if it doesnt I dont know what I will do. I feel so lost and broken down inside.

talaiporia - my butterfly is just a really close friend of mine who has been through a lot with me... she lives in england
I briefly finally go to talk to her before and was able to tell her how much I love her and that made me feel a bit more at ease with how I am feeling cuz I know I have spoken to her now:)

teags - drs apt was ok... she referred me to a surgeon and I have an apt with him on 17th of feb

ally - thank you so much. It means a lot just you being there and especially cuz I know you are going through a lot yourself.
thank you

[NeverBetter]

hugs sorry to hear you arent feeing your best at all and sorry today was crap for yu hunnii, also thats a postive decideing to go away for tthe weekend something dferent to do and keep your mind on
im just a pm away

[lozza]

little and adult Lauren...

I am starting to become more aware of things now and I no longer feel so afraid. I am now able to better distinguish between adult and little Lauren. And even better than that, I am now beginning to be able to look into the future and see situations where little Lauren may be in more control.

For example I know that last week little Lauren was mostly in control because she kept pushing workers away just knowing they would fight back and act how she so badly needed them too. Like with refusing to let N see the wound on my leg last Wednesday. She wanted to see just how much N cared but at the same time I came out and also said no because I didnt want the control taken away from me. And well in the end little Lauren got what she needed (others to care more and love her) because after that night other workers also asked about my leg. And with the anti biotics and me skipping two doses, that was little Lauren wanting and needing a mum figure and she knew that the workers would keep even more of an eye on her if she didnt take the anti biotics as she was meant to.

And it is so embarrassing and I am ashamed to say all of this. Because how dare I trick others into doing, into doing what little Lauren wants them to do. How dare I behave in this way when I am stopping others from receiving the help and support that they truly deserve. I hate myself because of this. I know that I do not want to behave and act in ways that little Lauren does. But I also know how scared and terrified she must be feeling. She has never been acknowedged or had a voice before. She needs to grieve and so do I. Grieve for the mum we needed but never had.

And this brings me to when I have surgery. I know that little Lauren will be wanting and expecting a worker to be there the whole time. Looking after me and modelling the mum that I've always wanted. But me, adult Lauren knows that this will be anything but helpful. Adult Lauren wants the support and help from the workers but in a way that is healthy with me being an adult and with me still having the control of life!

I need to have a balance and I need to keep being aware of little Lauren and what she wants and when. Maybe if I acknowledge her and tell her its ok to be sad... maybe this will help me, adult Lauren live the life I so desperately want and dream about.

I think I am going to be ok. I think we will both be fine.

[lozza]

I wrote the above last night after seeing my counsellor. It kinda outlines what came out in the session and where I am currently at...

but PROBLEM

I am so fucking up and down in my moods that now I feel differently and again I am wanting to hurt myself and maybe even go that extra step further - where did these feelings/thoughts come from and how did they get so loud!!!

I dont get this but I hate it I hate it I hate it!!!!

I just want to give up. I am so out of here

[talaiporia]

Please be careful. Can you tell your worker how much you're struggling?

[lozza]

I cannot tell anyone. If I tell, then I risk being put back into hospital and I cant go back there I cant, I refuse too.

I am so scared right now. I keep falling further down but yet I smile and they seem to believe that I am going ok:/

The one person who knows everything about me I am not able to contact as much as I need to and my butterfly is also quite unwell.

I can't do it anymore I can't.
I don't want to be here. Alive. Breathing. Like I am right now.

[talaiporia]

It might be a good idea to tell them; they'll only put you back in hospital as a last resort.

You can do this. Be careful. Stay safe. Please tell someone how you're feeling.

[lozza]

I just got back from seeing my d&a worker... I let slip that I wasnt safe and I couldnt convince her that I'd be safe and so we comprimised and she let me go home but she will call me tomorrow morning and if I still cant convince her I'll be safe then she will tell someone:s

I am freaking out cuz I know if I convince her I am safe then I'd be lying and I cannot lie to her, I tried today and all I did was smile:/

I dont know what to do anymore. I promised her I would talk to empty my almost full buckect but I dont know if I can

all I can think of is me talking and then being chucked back into hospital
I am scared

[talaiporia]

Has she called? Try to stay safe.
Maybe hospital wouldn't be such a bad thing?

[lozza]

no but it will be 9am in 30mins so she will soon... shit shit shit

[Unknown2011]

HUGS
I read and care *HUGS*

[lozza]

I do not know what I am doing anymore but they tell me to think about things and qst what is really going on...

well I have been doing that for the last month at least and nothing seems to be helping me much at all.

saw pdoc today and now I am seeing her fortnightly:/


....am I here? what is going on
I am not sure how much more of this I can take!

[talaiporia]

How are you doing? Did you stay safe?

[lozza]

sorry. I know I sound like a broken record right now:(

I am trying though I swear I am

[talaiporia]

Don't worry, you don't.
How are you today?
Could you go to A&E if you're particularly unsafe?

[lozza]

thank you, it really means a lot.

today well... I kept to myself pretty much all day...
a fellow resi asked me yesterday to go to a drs apt with her this morning but last night told me not to worry that she was going alone.... although she ended up going with someone else - made me feel oh so great

I saw my gp before... I had a few laughs... a good friend came with me!
but now I am hiding in my room drinking I tried so hard to fight my head but in the end I couldnt do it.. it was too strong

I feel like such a failure right now *cries more*