im sorry i havent replied. i just havent known what to say. but i AM so very proud of you for how far youve come and all the strength youve shown. it gives me hope.
i have no more words.
please update when you can.
love bunches.
Rachel
xxxxxx
Thx guys. Lovely to come back and see your replies :o).
Obv., have net back, yay!! Amazing how much I missed it, lol.
The work was actually good, felt very good to be useful again. The money was desperately needed, so it felt great to be 'helping'.
But, not sure when I will work with her again, fingers crossed there will be more days...she was very pleased and repeatedly said how good we work together, how much she appreciated all I did, that she didn't have to check up on me,etc. And the clients really surprised me with how happy they were to see me!
Was H's bday yesterday, no money for anything, but managed an lovely dinner for him.
BUT...one of our friends (the girl I work with, her boyfriend, actually) said he felt bad that we couldn't do anything so they are making a special dinner for him and cake, invited us all to their house, another friend is driving so H can have a few drinks (which yet another friend is supplying for him so we dont need to lay out much needed money).
So, saturday night should be a lot of fun; great food, great friends and many laughs.
All in all, things are going really well.
I'm cautiously hopeful/happy.
Thx again.
xxx
Caged: I wonder, too about therapy for me. My issue now is...why???
I definitely needed it a few years ago, am thankful you missed all that.
Am very ashamed of how I behaved/what I did/posted.
I seem to be in an odd place atm...not 'ill' but not 'well' either.
It is making me feel lost and...idk any word to accurately describe it.
I feel alien to myself, inside and out.
Disjointed, disconnected, dis- everything perhaps.
It is unsettling and frightening, but at times very remote...not sure which is worse; when it is close or far....
I suppose it is like when you have had a few and feel detatched (yet relieved to have some space and quiet in your head) , but it is when sober. After a few...it is....unreal.
Add to that 800 mg of seroquel plus the (new) mirtazapine...
Mannequin-like.
False.
Affected.
UN- connected, not dis connected..
Bah, i dont make sense
Perhaps this is the right time for therapy? In the past you may not have been well enough to benefit from it, now perhaps you are and it would be another step forward?
That is what I am hoping...tbh, I guess I'm scared. I hate to admit that, but there it is...
I think it has to be the next step, honestly. I'm just so frightened by it. Because of the very nature of trusting someone that much and from very bad experiences in the past.
Odd, off subject, but does anyone grind/clench their teeth? My jaws and teeth are so incredibly painful, I haven't been able to eat.
I know it is stress related, but I can't alleviate that right now...
Painkillers help (but I'm out) but I would rather not pop any more pills...i'm going to rattle soon :P.
Any tips? I've wondered about mouthguards for at night but they sound rather uncomfortable...anyone use them?
That's sad, I'm sorry you feel ashamed of how you behaved when you were suffering a horrible illness. Shame is a horrible feeling that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy!
I think perhaps you are at the very point where therapy may be useful. It might not quite be the best idea if you are constantly in crisis (which it sounds like you were a few years ago) as an individual may not be able to get some good out of it. I think it is okay to be scared, I'm still scared a lot of the time in therapy and out of therapy too. It is okay to go at a speed you feel comfortable with, i'm sure when you feel 'ready' (if there is such a place) you'll be able to make that next step forward.
I get that detachment too. I prefer it when everything is far away from me, despite it being painfully lonely, sometimes when people and objects feel on top of me it is all I can do to stop myself screaming!
I don't grind my teeth, awful tension headaches though. I was gonna say a mouth guard for the night, not used one myself but know someone with a similar problem who did and made the world of difference. Best to get one sooner or later, it can cause a lot of damage grinding!
Ps - your saturday night sounds fun, and you have lovely friends. I'm quite jealous!
Yeh teethgrinding, not fun. Mouth gaurds are not supposed to be to bad, and if you can take pain meds, your best with and anti inflammatory. Only other things are things such as relaxtion exercises.
Romp, I think now, more than ever you are ready to deal with this straight on. I think you can now see things with a better perspective, and are ready to deal with the hows and whys.
It is scary... but if it wasn't I guess we wouldn't need it! I've finally found some meds that help, and have had to face up to the fact that this is just the start. While nothing worked it was easy to see finding the right meds as some sort of answer, but all they can really do is help us cope, they can't 'fix' what needs 'fixing'. it's terrifying, but the alternative (staying like this) is worse...
I grind my teeth. Sometimes I wake mat up cause of it! I have a mouth guard that I wear and it helps alot :) So maybe try that? it takes awhile to get use to sleeping with it but it's worth it!
Love you tons darlin!
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
Thx, Kim, Jess, Tok...so much.
Have been worjking and it was good
my head is going 'off' tho.
i cant exp;lain, but im sure i dont need to
Hard to explain this, bu ti need help or maybe just need to say ity?
idk
i am craving severe harm
Doubt i shoul d be explicit
but...have the means to make absolutely certain.
am NOT wanting to 'just' cut...sorry if that is offensive to anyone...
i want absolutes
but if i *truly* did..i wouldnt be posting, would I?
My H would be posying my deatjh notice...
What's caused the downwards turn in your mood? If it matters much I didn't think what you said was offensive, I'm really glad I just cut and don't have such suicidal impulses like a lot of people seem to have on this forum. I've been at that place once before (once is enough!) and it was truly horrific and I'm really sorry you're feeling such pain. It isn't whining and just because you don't act upon your thoughts doesn't in any way disparage the value/intensity of the pain of them. It doesn't make a person any less ill if they don't act upon their suicidal thoughts...it does however offer a tiny glimmer of hope that there is time to try and ease the pain! I don't know your past history but you are obviously struggling with a difficult mental illness...I'm not sure if you have a care team like many others on here have but maybe you can talk to them about how you are feeling? Or your family? Maybe if you speak to your dr s/he can give you a med adjustment to help stabalise you over this painful period?
I know it isn't easy. It is so difficult!! I hope you keep putting one foot in front of the other. I care even if you perhaps don't right now.
I know I haven't been here at all lately but had to answer this - Romp you have a job that you work at - It is you. Your payment is life.
Life is like a tool kit. Some of us look at it and say 'There are some things I can use here.' Some of us look at it and go 'WTF is this?' and there are some like you (and a lot of us here - I like to think) who just go to work and try our very best not to give up - no matter what. If whining helps, then whine away. I can't count the number of times I have screamed - I GIVE UP - THIS SUCKS -I HATE THIS!!!!! And then got up and went on. Please do not give up. You are very important here. Your existance is worthy. And I love you sis.
NAILZZZZZZZZZZZ
*glomps you*
thank you, so very much.
Love ya to bits, dear sis.
Thx too Caged :o). I think maybe the med switch up has affected me more than I expected...
Again, all you lovely peeps, thx for always being there, even when you are going thru ****, you take the time to be there for me.
So much appreciated!
xxx
Candy Tetris
Mahjong
Othello
Mumu
FROMP
