Support For Dave (bleedingdragon)

[bleedingdragon]

Quote:

Originally Posted by chocostashchick

dave honey i hope you are staying safe and doing okay

Hey everyone , and Callie im sorry im still not around much yet, i am staying safe right now , i will try and come on ryl and hang around as much as i can .

My drs appointment didnt go to well , he said,
because i said the community mental health team wernt helping me then they wouldnt offer anymore support, they have discharged me ,especially as ive opted to see a psychologist . So i cant get any support from them
until i see the psychologist in 4 months , unless i see my dr inbetween , he wasnt much help , he never even sujested i come back to see him, and his attitude was to me almost like youve made your decision thats it.

hugs evryone

so i feel alone they dont care about me .

[Kame]

Hey sweetie, I only just saw this thread about. You know where I am if you need to talk Dave & never feel alone because you have all of us & you ain't getting rid of us so easily! *Lotsa lotsa hugs* take care of yourself mister xx

[bleedingdragon]

Its ok Lanny Hugs,
thank you for your kind words, i know you and others are here for me that gives me strength. Its hard but im determined to keep in touch and try and talk to everyone who cares and supports me. all your support for me is truly appreciated me im determined to get back to where i was before so i can support those i care about.

ive just gotta get this out in a post vvvv

[bleedingdragon]

I have done a rant most of it is in there how I feel but thought I should write something here

thank you for all your support


I feel empty inside no emotion no feeling nothing
But themn ive been tearfull too crying ??????
..............its scary.........................it should be me getting better am i ? i dont know cause it happened before then i felt worse ...........

i just want to sleep the days away i dont wanna get up and face the days
i get up as late as i can i hate the days why cant i sleep for ever
just let me go to sleep and not wake up please....................

i seem to want to hide away all the time even from those i care about
caring about others and supporting others has helped me its the only thing im good at ...i wanna hold onto that

let me escape this let me escape.......im trapped in this place where im scared of my ex and my bully i dont want to ever see them again i cant guarantee that can i they live locally and its doing my head in im scared of
seing them again theyve both screwed my life up so much in so many ways. Im terrified of them and relationships, friendships all the stuff thats normal i avoid like the plauge.............thanks to you two

im hitting doors in the house, hurting myself in other ways, now i havent cut in a week which is good but im scared of losing it and doing a big cut im trying not to

this stuff inside me its just waiting to explode, when these emotions come over me I want them to drown me and engulf me .

theres stuff i wish would stay burried but im terrified of it being triggered
by something or someone i wish id never witnessed it its horrible and unthinkable what ive seen and been through why cant i wipe it out of my head for ever why not ............what you went through and what you put me through ex screwed me up for ever. im scared of what i might do to others
god you pushed me to nearly cross the line i was so close to hurting you physically ex, but i never did you broke me apart by pushing me i cant believe how close i was to hurting you....id never never never forgive myself if id done that but you didnt care did you noe....you pushed me and pushed me
you wanted me to hurt you didnt you..........................................
.........you hurt me emotionally in so many ways i will never forgive you ex
i can never erase what you went through or what you did to yourself or me.............

im sick of this stuff inside me its like a record in that im repeating stuff over and over I want to change the record

[Kame]

*Hugs the Dave dragon tightly* xx

[bleedingdragon]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lanny

*Hugs the Dave dragon tightly* xx

Lanny thank you friend so much really you help me

hugs

[bleedingdragon]

"Triggering suicidal self injury"




















Ive gotta get over this **** i have to i cant let it keep controling me

i cant keep going through this stuff its killing me inside i wish it would iether completly destroy me .............or get me to start getting over this
and heal....................please

the burden is too great .........its too much **** inside i want to release it
but i cant get it out of me.................im scared now if i see the psychologist they will turn me away i cant bare the thought they might
say im not ready for their help......................ive got to get past this crap.................its pulling me apart inside its so strong i want it to
destroy me or let me live with it please..........please let me
get over this .................whay why why did i have to go through this terrible
stuff i knoww i have to come to terms with it in order to move on

but i dont know how

yet i couldnt carry on with the nurse knowing i was getting no where....... i want to see the psychologist but im scared now

help me ...............please you ex and bully have hurt me so much inside that i as yet cant get rid of it stop tormenting me
how can i live with this horror inside me .......................................
arhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh h
arhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

can i really do this i dont want the psychologist saying im still not ready for them....................................you cant do that i hope you dont do that.

i want this nightmare to end or lessen its grip onm me
i fear it destroying any future life i want with others until i get past it or learn to live with it im imprisoned by it im in a walking prison like a zombie
only im aware of whats going on but i cant escape it

i cant deal with this crap its to strong ive got to get rid of it or dilute it

arhhhh i wanna explode........................................... .................

[bleedingdragon]

Evie,
Im so sorry for the delay in my answer , my telephone line has been faulty just back on,nection. So i had no internet connection and ive struggled to, thank you for your wonderfull reply to me. Thank you for your hugs, they help me alot.
I do want to beat this,
ive got to beat this or it will drag me to far down. I hope the psychs appointm is sooner , i havent had the courage to ring them to see if my letter has been recieved by them . Its awfull having to wait to see if i get an answer from them.
Ive been feeling so numb and its scary i just couldnt get through without cutting today, i had to its ok and im ok. Although im jumping from numb to being really emotional and crying so its weird.

I hope i find an understanding psychologist , i cant exactly choose the right one. i hope i can find one who will help me enough im just so scared its ages away. Im trying not to be afraid its so hard And i want to be here i guess you will see me hiding and in and out .

But thank you so very much for caring about me and supporting this is to everyone who has supported me


Dave

[Perfect_Disaster]

Dave, i dont know you and you dont know me dude but whatever the hell is up, i want you to know i got your back. I've seen how much you helped Amy and i owe you more than i could ever repay you for. Be safe and be strong brother. In our unity lies our strength.

- James

[Auburn Shadow]

Dave,
I'm sorry, I haven't been around much myself recently, it's only now I feel able to return to RYL. *huge cuddles* Hang on in there. Feel free to add me to MSN, if you need, I'm almost always around to talk if you need it.

Take care of yourself, yeah?

-Hannah

[bleedingdragon]

James ,
Thank you so much mate for saying youve got my back, that means a lot to me mate. Heck you can trawl through any of my posts if you want.

Mate thank you for saying you owe me so much, mate there is nothing you owe me i am happy to care and support Amy in whatever way i can just as much as you have my support .

And i will cover your back mate no question, just call on me and i will do all i can.

I will stay a strong as i can brother your right in our unity we will find our strength.

call on me if ever you need to

Dave

[bleedingdragon]

Quote:

Originally Posted by hiceskater

Dave,
I'm sorry, I haven't been around much myself recently, it's only now I feel able to return to RYL. *huge cuddles* Hang on in there. Feel free to add me to MSN, if you need, I'm almost always around to talk if you need it.

Take care of yourself, yeah?

-Hannah

Hannah,
Hugs, you dont need to appologise to me for anything, ok, you need to take care of yourself as much as anyone else, im glad youve managed to take care of yourself, be gentle with yourself ok, dont take on too much to soon. Please make sure you ask for support if you need it.

Thank you for your huge cuddles mean so much, thanks, i am hangin in there.
i will take care of myself and you do the same.

Dave

[bleedingdragon]

"triggering" "self injury" "physical abuse"














Im still struggling alot , last night was sh*T i just burst into tears and lost control everything got too much, at times like that i feel like im on the edge of loosing it and wish i would just tip that little bit further and loose my mind . So far i havent i so long for it to happen so i can escape this crap. The intensity of my emotions scares me at times.

my SI is getting more im writing words now ,and theres so many words in my head, its stopping me do anything worse. I wont see a psych now till january 2008 just for an assesment.

I m still scared sh*tless of going out and fearing im gonna see my ex or the bully, i fear i will fall apart or loose it big time , i had to come home early last time i was so paranoid about thinking my bully was coming up behind me.

They are the main reason why my life is crap, if they were dead sorry but i wish, or they moved i cant get closure on this i dont know how
i survived that hell on earth, the sttuff she went through and did to me and what the bully did to me hurt soo much , to much at times
and then i want it to drown me, let me slip over the edge. End everything

i FEAR i will never have a relationship again, im screwed im 42
and no children, no partner, no job , and all the crap inside me
and no justice i fear all my crap will haunt me forever.

Im still wanting to go to sleep at night and not wake up the next day, i pray for this to happen, i struggle to get myself up each day. i just want to escape this .

How the hell does anyone get rid of these memories reminders pain hurt
violence

if i was to see them again i would fall apart i cant face alot of it, im still numb alaot and dont feel much, then i get emotional. grrrrrrrrrr


i dont know how im holding myself together,

im not a violent person , she bloody was to me, i hate you for that , you pushed me to the edge of my sanity, you wanted me to hit you, didnt you, and you bully you were violent to me twice i hate you for that
well i never did hit you ex, but hell i was soo close, i can never forgive you for that or myself for getting so close.

but i want to still do stuff to them , but i wont its not me, but it doesnt stop the way i feel oh dont listen to me im ranting

ive got to get rid of this sh*T one way or another

[~JellyBaby~]

Dave, Sweetie first off *huge hugs*

Secondly, I'm gonna say this every time I post, but well done for carrying on the fight, you're doing so well, you should be really proud of yourself, I know I am.

Please, please, PLEASE, don't wish insanity on yourself, losing your mind will help nothing, as I'm sure you're aware underneath all this that losing your mind is in itself terrifying. I know right now it seems that if something would just tip the balance you could escape to that world, but it's not fun or helpful, and if you ever go there, you'd wish so hard you were where you are right now.

Keep doing anything you can to prevent your SI getting any worse, write, hit pillows, draw, do your amazing computer art, try breathing techniques, meditation, yoga, anything. Frequent SI is your coping mechanism right now, and I understand that, I get that your not ready and it's your way of getting through this, and thats fine, we all empathise with feeling that way, but please, do anything to stop it getting worse, I'm unaware of how bad it is right now, but I am aware of how you're feeling, and I'm really worried for your safety, don't let us lose you Dave, you're much too precious to us.

Paranoia is a horrible thing, and I understand that seeing your ex or your bully, or their sidekick right now would deal you a lotta damage, I know it would affect you badly, but you can't let it make you a recluse. Your life is not inside your house, your life is outside with people and the amazing world around us. If you don't feel ready to go out where theres people now, that's fine, but get out to the country, somewhere completely remote, no people, just you and the world, fresh air and freedom does us good, please try to get out for a walk sometime.

You musn't think about ending it all sweetie, suicide is never the answer, it may mean that the problems aren't there anymore, but then neither are you, you have so much potential and so much you could achieve and so much life left to live, don't waste it, and don't leave us behind, read that post about suicide in serious, think of the people who care would feel. Please Dave, don't do it, we love you.

I know that they hurt you sweetie, and of course I can't imagine how much, I've not felt what you've felt, I've not been you, so I'm not going to say I "know exactly how you feel" because each person is different. But what I am going to say is, that you can't let them beat you, you're a wonderful person and deserve to live and enjoy it as much as if not more than them. I can't offer advice on getting closure, I'm not sure how a person does get it,if i was to speak from my own experience, feeling as though in limbo, is something I never thought I would have escaped on my own, I didn't have to get closure, things changed, so I didn't have to worry, if things hadn't changed, I don't know how I would have got out.

Fear is a strong and crippling emotion, but to stop feeling it, you need to face it, don't fear what you may not have sweet, because you never know, you can never say never, and in my opinion any woman would be mad not to fall for you, you're kind and sweet and caring, and you'll find someone who deserves you, you just gotta look for them. This won't haunt you forever honey, you will get through this, it will be okay, you just have to have hope and belief that you will get the help you deserve. Jan '08, I'll be thinking of you until, during and after, til you feel better.

Don't pray to not wake up each time you go to sleep honey, it won't help anything, just drive you down further. When you wake up each day think 5 positive things about yourself, tell yourself you deserve to be here, and you'll battle on another day.

I'm sorry to say honey, memories don't go away forever, they can be talked through and they can hurt you a lot less, but they'll never completely go. You'll just be able to look on them in a different light. To think "y'know what, I'm a strong guy, I got through all that, I'm still here standing up and showing these people what I'm made of" You'll achieve that honey, I know you will.

Violence is an awful thing, something which is painful in many ways. But just think that you survived through it how strong that makes you. And don't hold it against yourself that you got close to hitting her, instead be proud that you kept your beliefs and your morals and never did hit her.

Ranting is good, it helps get stuff out in the open so do it however much you like. If you ever need a chat, you know I'm only a message or phone call away.

We're all here for you Dave, you've touched so many lives on here, kept so many people going, me included, you're an inspiration, don't give up sweetie, you can make it.

Lots of love, xxxx

[bleedingdragon]

Amy im overwelmed right now and in tears your words are so comforting
im deeply touched by your words, your support and friendship and how much you care

i will return with some words of thanks

Dave

[xyon]

Dave,

Sorry that this is the first time I've posted here but I've only just got my internet sorted out and this is the first time I've been back. You've been such a friend to me in my own threads I can't help but want to help you now.

You are, in so many ways, an honourable and courageous man. You have been through things I can only envisage in my darkest nightmares, and have survived through the other end of it.

It is admirable that you are still with us, and even more so that you are in such good shape now. If I'd been through even just the things that you have told me, I don't think I'd be here now. In fact I know I wouldn't.

Hang on in there, you have friends here who love and support you.

[bleedingdragon]

Xyon mate its good to see you i will shout you soon
and i will reply to your post Amy thank you for your support

i need to rant



triggering suicide physical abuse self injury


" suicide" "Triggers" "Physical abuse" "Self Injury"
RANT

please do not read if you are easily triggered
vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv






















So many of us are hurting so much, and all i want to do is reach out and help, give comfort, and friendship to those who struggle because there is still apart of me thats alive inside that cares for others, something you couldnt destroy my love it kept me alive, im greatfull it kept me alive/and i hate it for tormenting me as i wanted to snap and escape the torture but it kept me alive...im holding onto that part hoping it will pull me through
.......and caring for others at ryl keeps me going


Where am i going who knows.................
i feel like ive been on this journey forever.....as if ive lived many lifetimes and im tired ive been trapped here for so long ............ive wanted to stop my journey many times
.............i wasnt given a choice......i have faced too many horrific experiences..........my scars run deep into my soul will they ever heal
.................................................. .........................................
how can one human being treat another like that...........................
..what ive heard,seen ,lived through has torn me apart piece by piece
.................................................. ............................................
my mind has been chipped away piece by piece i feel its hanging on the edge............why did i have to survive this.....................................
..i was ready to face the Darkness many times...i looked into its face
often enough.......but was denied the escape.............................
i was so strong.......i believed love can concour all .........................
.....how wrong i was .........

she chipped away at my mind, my strength, my soul piece by piece
........intent on destroying me......how could my love

i loved you with all my heart and soul i gave you everything
.....believing you would overcome your past,
so we could be together and share our lives..........................

i stayed with you giving
you so many chances........................................... ..............
.................................................. ....................................
what did you do but hurt me soo deeply you tore into my heart
you chipped away at my mind, you kept on pushing and pushing
and attacking and attacking, only to pull me close and hold me
and tell me everything was going to be alright, you would change

.................................................. ...................................
i gave you so much of myself and you tortured me over and over again
you pushed me day in day out to hurt you to attack you
.................................................. .................................
SCREAM.....how could you do that to me...............................
you hurt me so deeply....you pushed me to almost cross the line
..............i was so close to snapping i was gonna hit you
screams......cries...........cries................ ...........
how could you do that to me ....how
i was going to hit you but i didnt ...i didnt....ididnt........
i stopped myself from hurting you
i never hit back..................you hit me over and over
taunting me.....why .....why ...why...........cries....cries
i couldnt have lived with myself if i hit you i would rather be deAD


.............................................CRIES ................................
you played with your life over and over, i never knew if you would live or die.....................................im falling apart help me please.............

SCREAMS FOREVER........................................... ..................
I HATE YOU I HATE YOU FOR PUSHING ME SO CLOSE to going mad


i stood there while you attacked me, all i could do was
sheild myself while you ripped into me....cries
how could you do that to me how i will never understand
all i ever did in defence was try and hold your wrists, what else was i to do..........................cries forever........................................... ........
you hurt me so much didnt you ,,,no wonder i nearly went mad nearly
loosing my mind.............................................. .........................
you killed me inside ................
there is a part of me thats dead.............................................. ......
you wouldnt leave me alone would you you kept hitting me
.................................................. ...........................................
oh my god what would i be if id hit you like you wanted me to
i cant bare it .................................................. ..................

i couldnt take it anymore you drove me to leave you and i did
.....................i didnt want to..but you pushed me to it



..............i still cant escape what you did to yoursf and to me
someone wipe my mind please
leave me alone .................................................. ............

i want to live and i want to escape you and my bully
i deserve
to escape........ryl is helping me , they support me and care about me
i care about them



Dave

[bleedingdragon]

Xyon,
My good friend,
Please do not worry my friend about it being the first time youve had chance to post. There is no appology needed friend,
im happy that you have looked after yourself my friend. It is so good to see you mate,

Hugs,

Thank you friend your kind words really mean so much to me right now,
your welcome for my friendship you will allways have it. And thank you for wanting to help me now, your friendship means a great deal, i would be honoured if you could offer your help when you can.
Remember my friend you will allways have my help and support, just ask and i will do what i can.

Xyon your words again mean so much friend thank you, they comfort me, for saying im an honourable man and a courageous man .
It means so much to me you mention i have faced terrible situations you can only envisage in your darkest nightmares, and survived them.

I know my friend also you to have been courageous, and very brave
and honourable, and your inner strength has kept you safe in some of your darkest hours of your life , what you have shared with me im greatfull
for,
and you have my respect my friend and im honoured to know someone such as you, you have inspired me and shown me friendship i will be forever greatfull.

You have my respect for saying its admorable im still with you and here at RYL, im surprised myself, but thank you so much.

You give me strength friend when you say if you had been through just the things ive shared with you , that you know you wouldnt have survived.

Remember my friend you to have inner strength and courage ive seen it through what youve shared with me, and i can say that you are a very
strong,couragous, loving soul and you have so much to offer life.

I will hang in there as long as i can mate, i truly do know i have friends here who love and support me, you are one of them .
Ryl HAS supported me and friends here
have given me friendship, love, hope , strength

words cannot express how much it means to me

let me too offer you support and friendship while we are here at ryl and on Msn.

Dave

[bleedingdragon]

Amy,
Hugs,
You are such a wonderfull caring person James is so lucky to have someone as special as you, What can i say friend but first of all.
Thank you for the huge hugs they comfort me,

Your words give me such strength, ....thank you for saying well done for carrying on the fight i try, and i am proud of what ive achieved, its hard as well at times when the darkness smothers me, but your words bring light and hope and strength. Im greatfull.

I understand you about me not wishing insanity on myself, i know loosing my mind is a terrible thing, i hear what your saying Amy. I also still wish for an escape sometimes, death or release from thinking , feeling, memories, past.
after going through what i did it seems like little compared to having to face my demons , from my EX and my Bully, anything but face them . I long for escape from my demons that she bestowed on me, and he bestowed on me, they are a part of me and i guess i have to learn to overcome them. or they will win. They frighten me,

I am trying to control the SI i would like to get past a week without some SI, writing words is unsettling, but its stopping me do worse, i am keeping busy, with artwork, ryl, msn.

Amy, Your suggestions, and your caring means so much friend. I really do want to stop SI if i didnt have that or my artwork who knows where id be. When i get to a better place in recovery i will be able to control the SI i hope, thats what ryl is here for, right now its keeping me anchored i guess. I still have to be carefull of not being to triggered just like anyone else while im at ryl.

I havent needed medical attention so i guess thats good. I get scared sometimes myself about what i want to do , or might do, im sorry to say i regret not escaping in the past , and as hard as it is to admit, if the chance came where i was close to the edge , felt like i was slipping, to escape, i wonder i might go and escape, but then the part she couldnt kill thats somewhere inside me, kicks in and pulls me the other way to live.

yet im still here and i throw myself into caring and supporting amazing people here at ryl, that to keeps me going.


Amy how much you care about me and my safety, means so much to me and i am staying safe, with friends like you i want to be here friends like you give me strength , hope , friendship, the oppertunity to share in other peoples lives is richer to me, than any ammount of money.

Hey my friend i to know how precious you are and many others here at ryl, its why i reach out so much to help others, its one thing i seem to be good at, there isnt much else im good at.

Paranoia is a nightmare it creeps up on you and follows me around,like my shadow, i am scared of what it will bring back, what they have done, and the not getting justice. I so dont want to be a recluse i am near enough, they CONTROL ME FROM INSIDE myself i so want to excorsise them.

Yes you are right my life is outside and i want to get it back, i still dont know how, if they were dead im sorry i said that but i would be feeling alot better. I have no control over them which terrifies me, I will try and go to places that there arnt many people i hate crouds right now.

You are an amazing person so full of life, strength, u are very positive and so strong, and full of wise words and suggestions.

I know Amy, suicide isnt the answer, yet the chance to escape in my darkest hours is the worst time, when im facing her demons that are now mine, and my bullies demons at there full force it overpowers me , and begins to drown me with fear, that is when i wish to escape as i wanted to escape so many times
while i fought her demons, and then even having to fight her as well.
was just to much for me to fight against they were too strong, god i dont know how i survived . I didnt want to survive , but im here and so i will battle.

I WAS so close to loosing it so many times and didnt, it leaves a big hole inside me, that im trying to fill. Thank you Amy for saying i have so much potential and so much i could achieve. And im trying to believe i have so much life yet to live, thats a hard one but im trying, I dont want to leave you behind, or anyone else here at ryl.

I have looked at the post about suicide i will return and read it some more times. Thank you friend for supporting me, james is truly lucky to have someone so special as you . I know you all love me at ryl that to keeps me going.

Ive never been hurt so much by someone , especially someone who loved me so much...cries.... why.....why...i didnt think anyone could do what she did....or my bully iether...........................
i dont want them to beat me, amy, i dont i fight them all the time, im tired of fighting them but i will keep going, i have to escape their pain
i must,

its kind of you to say about closure, i think you have more of an understanding....than the bloody professionals who are supposed to understand. And everyone else family included drive me mad telling me
i should be over this by now. I havent spoken to my parents for about a month because of what they think about my depression, bullying.


YOU DONT UNDERSTAND ME do you family, and nurses, i need closure of some sort, how do i get it from her shes still around im reminded
everytime i see her or a place we were or have been. And him to bully
i got cklosure from leaving my job, thank god. But i still havent got closure
from my bully, hes got away with bullying me over and over again, hes still in his job, while i nearly killed myself because of him
hes allowed to walk around free, i cant face him, i will fall apart
or i will hurt him so bad.

Im so glad you didnt have to have closure Amy, Tthats one thing you dont have to deal with.

Fear .....fear its terrifying it drowns me or threatens to overwelm me,
i know i have to face it, i think all along my survival instict has just about kept me from loosing my mind, when i wanted it to explode, im trying to
keep saying " never say never".

Your words are so comforting thank you for saying any woman would be mad not to fall for me, oh i so long for a woman who can love me and care about me , im still so scared of anyone incase they are even a tiny bit like her, but i hold onto hope for now. Its been 3 years now on my own i think it may be a while longer yet...sighs.
looking for them is the thing, and im never gonna know what their like until i get to know someone ....thats scary,

God i hope it doesnt haunt me forever....it still seems like that now, but i hold onto what u say Amy.

i want the days and weeks to fly by until jan 2008 to see the psychologist, i wish i could just sleep up until that day, hide away from the world .


Thank you Amy for saying dont pray not to wake up each time i go to sleep, its hard not to, ive prayed for it for so long, i still do, but i will try hard not to. I will try and think positive things, i will try, the dark part of me is strong.

Im getting to understand that memories dont go away for ever , they still hide there in the dark parts of my mind waiting to choke me, they are very frightening to they can drown me, i hope to talk enough about them to lesson their power...i wish.

I understand they will never go, ive tried to make them my friends and not enemies, as yet i havent achieved this
they still attack as viciously as they were from the begining.

Violence......cries.....its crippling......its unbarable i know i survived it
but coming to terms with it is..........................im trying not to hold it against myself for nearly hitting her.................cries............
or worse i cant bare the fact of if id hurt her seriously i wouldnt be here
id rather be dead, im trying to hold onto i kept my beliefs and morals
.................................................. cries
you hurt me so much.............................................. ......
....how could you how............................................... ...........
i wish id gone mad...............oh sorry i mean ..............................
gotta stop there .................................................. ...




Ranting Amy i dont know where id be without it its kept me sane
thank you i know your there if i need you, god when i get started on ranting sometimes i think i will never stop ever.


i know you are all here for me, you all have shown me such great kindness,
acceptance, friendship, love im deeply greatfull to everyone at ryl
you have held me up
thats why i care so much about others i know i cant help everyone or solve everyones problems but knowing i may have helped someone even in a small way means more to me that any treasure in the world.


im crying now your words.....that ive touched so many lives here at ryl
and kept so many people going...............cries
thank you ...thank you for saying that
and ............that im an inspiration...............im gonna have to go im getting really emotional now

much love

Dave

[bleedingdragon]

LONG RANT
I JUST NEED TO GET THIS OUT

"Triggers physical abuse Self Injury suicide "



























l
Im sick and tired of this life,
its only because of some special friends from ryl, i have that im still here now,
two of those friends were there for me

i nearly snapped this morningg .................i so wanted to
my rage was erupting and i could feel myself loosing control
minute by minute and i would have done something stupid

i give and give and give because i care so much and when im tired and want to go...oh no you cant go youve got to stay hell i might be dead if you go , they say what do i care...............
i say i dont need to hear that from you
ive spent 2 hours caring for you and you say that

for f*cks sake ive been with you for
like 2 hours im tired , ive cared for others today today, and all you do is say where am i going
i know your in the middle of it

im sick of it i am sick of being drained and allways expected to be there for you
well the hell no more im not going there again it wont happen again
im going to care for myself and those few people i really care abuot
im gonna be like a ghost

If it wasnt for 2 amazing friends who know who they are,
i owe you so much so much you dont know what it meant that you were there through Msn
you both were there for me
there for me and kept me stable i so wanted to loose it and give up

ryl is keeping me alive and im greatfull,but im sick of this battle sick of it
so tired so tired

leave me alone stay the hell away from me PAIN stop torturing me i keep running but you keep appearing no matter where i go
arhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hhhhhhh
arhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
oh god just let me scream............and scream.....and screammmmmmmmm

i want to scream my pain out of my body out of my mind
let me escape my crap please............please.....................

im tired of trying to live with the past and what ive seen and heard
and what was done to you and you did to me.................how could you.................how...the hell could you

stop it leave me alone for gods sake stop attacking me
stop killing me with your words.. ...they tear into me cant and im screaming
so loud but you cant hear me....no one hears me........no one

just get it over with right now let me go pleaseeeee
give me the final blow let your killer words strangle me
let the ground swallow me up for good
i cant bare this ...is too much every circuit in my body is abaout to blow

i dont want to live through this i ................cant take it its to much

each time you hurt yourself or me its like im trapped in this
recurring knightmare where i see you risking your life
or risking mine over and over and overe....
and im frozen and cant move

i never know if your
gonna live or die.....stop putting me through this
i cant ........i.....cant cope with this its killing .......me

each time its u risking your life and me battling to save you and me,
and i cant bare it....hell you disapeared and i never f*cking knew if u were alive or dead....id go to the beach and search like f*ck looking for you
id search the beach and id look out to sea is she dead floating or is she alive where the hell are .........................................you

explode....explode...........explode............i need to explode

there were so many times so many things you did to yourself

no..........no.......... i stand there frozen

while you throw yourself into deaths arms will he keep hold or will you break free...will you want to break free

i could see it .............in your ..........eyes........you wanted death
to hold you and never let you go

**** i have toi be carefull what i say here
what you were doing was
killing me you threw yourself into danger and i kept trying to save you

i cant bare that anymore i was being tortured each time youd do it
oh god so many dangerous things i tried to stop you hurting yourself
over and over you just never cared it was killing me the pain inside
was crushing me from inside out crippling me

Its still inside me the pain how do i rip it out
its

im getting tired now.......................tired

so much stuff.............so much...............................
i want to hold on...and i i want to be free
there are some great friends here at ryl who are there for me
i must hold on and keep going
im tired and weary

so many words but i cant write anymore

let me hide from the world and cover myself in darkness

how can you do this to me..........im terrified of finding your
body..................................

i HATE YOU.....I HATE YOU YOU B*STARD FOR WHAT YOU DID TO HER
DIE...................DIE........................D IE...DONT LET ME SEE YOU

i hate you my love .........i hate you my love.........i hate you my love
you were killing me from inside out every minute evry hour every day

how the hell can anyone go through this and survive
I DONT WANT TO SURVIVE i dont let me ......................................go



why arnt i exploding...falling apart let me go.......
I CANT BARE TO SEE YOU TORTURE YOURSELF
i cant face seing you risk living or dying anymore
its crippling me its cracking my mind

i didnt want to know what one person could do to another
i didnt i didnt dont .......i .. cant bare it what your telling is killing me
its taring me apart inside piece by piece you b*stard how could you
do that to someone i loved i hate you i hate you
i want to hurt you so badly you bas*ard .......dont let me see
you as i want to kill you and make you pay

i dont think id be here god i wan

everything just boiled over and i felt my anger rising like a volcanoe
i was ready to do something stupid to let go give go crazy

i cant get hurt like this anymore its to f***cking much pain leave me alone you attack me from every angle no matter where i turn your f*cking there


i just cant take it anymore i care a hell of a lot about people but thats a f*cking downfall in me im such a stupid bast*ard i keep giving too much and im sick of it im not doin

I WANT TO GET THROUGH THIS RYL IS HERE AND I WANT TO GET PAST THIS?