I wish so much that I could say that I'm good, but I'm not tbh. I've been trying to keep distracted today, my flat is now very clean but it's not keeping the thoughts at bay. I'm not feeling safe again and I'm wishing that I didnt promise P that I wouldnt kill myself. But I dont want to hurt anyone by doing that, especially you guys. I just wish I could understand why people give a damn about me.
I sent my psych an email last night, and I wasnt expecting a reply until tomorrow but I still wish that he would reply, I dont know if I should have sent it or not.
I just feel like no matter what I do it always comes back to this, I'm losing hope but still trying, but I'm starting to question why I'm still trying, it feels like I will never be free of this. I'm sorry.
You did the right thing in sending an email to your psych and tomorrow he will reply to it. What do you normally do when you are feeling unsafe? Can you call triage and let them know you feel unsafe? You might not feel like it right now but you will be free of this. It's good that you are trying, it proves how strong you are in fighting this. Is it helping you to feel even a little bit safer by being online and letting things out?
thanks, normally I try to distract or I come on here. Can't call triage, the night staff are all horrible, and there's really nothing that they can do anyway.
It's helping a little bit being online but am going to log off now and watch House. As if that will help...
thanks Aimee, just feeling really incredibly low and hopeless, I just dont feel like I can do this anymore... I'm so sick of writing the same thing over and over but it's how I feel, and I hate it.
I understand. Please don't give up though, cause even though you are hopeless other people can see hope for you (I know I can, your psych can, and other friends here can) and maybe you just have to trust that it is there for a bit, even if you can't see it yourself.
It's a bit like gravity. We can't see it, but when you walk outside you don't float out to the sky, so we know it is there. The same is with hope. You can't see it but it is out there... until you can see it, please just trust that it is there. You will see it again, I promise. xxxxxx
supposed to see a friend in an hour, all I want to do it stay home and cut myself to ribbons, although going into town is a good oppotunity to restock on pills.... I dont want to think like this!Just make it stop, please please please!!! Had nightmares all night, and one beautiful dream where I died... just floated away into nothingness. That's what I want, I think.
:(
*hugs close* it will be good ot get out of the house and have a distraction seeing someone. i hope you can be safe, every day is a struggle by the sounds of it. are any professionals availible to you right now? it could help to call. i dont know if im helping or not. stay and talk xx
oh baby*hugs* I have no words without sounding like a hypocrit, I'm sorry but just know I love you xxxxx
I'm not text book smart but I'm street smart....well sesame street smart anyway :p
I <3 you Lozza- my beautiful twin and care bear! Keep holding on. 'Whorejay'- u are my gorgeous partner in crime, who I will never give up. They can't seperate us! loooove you. I <3 Frizzly forever!!! ur my nite light R.I.P my beautiful angel Kat, you will always be in my heart. 27/03/91-31/08/09 xxx Sweetdreams baby girl xxx
It went ok with my friend, it's just hard because she doesnt know that I'm really struggling right now and although she's supposed to be my best friend I can't tell her what's going on, that I still SI, that my ED is kind of out of control. She's in recovery from anorexia and I can understand why she cant deal with it... but it still hurts.
I actually had a decent afternoon with my horse, but now I'm back to feeling like this. WHY does it always come back to this?
I CANT DO THIS ANYMORE!!! totally demoralised and feeling completely hopeless. Supposed to see P tomorrow, what's the point?
Today had you feeling okay and you can feel that way again. Please see him tomorrow. You can do this Ally, you might not feel like it right now but you can do this and get through it.
Oh Ally sweetheart I can't believe I haven't replied sooner to this.
You really are doing so well you know hon. I know that it is so, so hard to see a positive way out of things when you feel like you've been here before but (and I'm going to use some of Aimee's imagery skills here!) imagine that at times you're in a maze and when you're feeling bad you're obscured by a thicket of trees so you can't see the way out. Now we and everyone else around you are above the maze so we can see a way out for you and that's where we gently want to guide you. To you it seems like you've been here before but what you can't remember is that you've already gotten through a lot of mini mazes to get here today and I think you're stronger than you realise Ally. You can do this sweetheart! If every time you go through this you pick up an extra shred of knowledge and coping skills then you're definitely moving in the right direction and I think you've been moving in the right direction for a while now :)
You cannot get through a single day without having an impact on the world around you What you do makes a difference, and you have to decide what kind of difference you wish to make.
I love you Ally sweetheart, and it breaks my heart to see you in such a terrible place. Please hang in there. Let yourself get the support you deserve and need. I am always here for you. And I would love to get to meet you someday.
I'm glad you were able to have a good day with your horse. Animals, especially horses (for me at least!), can be so therapeutic. If spending time with your horse helps you, do this to help you..I wish there was more I could say to help. Just know that I love and care about you very much. *hugs*
Jess x
I wanna stay inside all day
I want the world to go away
Andrea I will go and see him, I'm just worried what he will say about the email I sent him the other night.
Kiran I actually like that imagery, it helped a bit so thankyou. I guess I just feel like even if there is a way out of this maze I'm never going to find it. I wish that I could see what you guys see. I'm sick of feeling so hopeless, I just want to have a "normal" life! But it seems like the harder I try to have that the worse I feel. Sorry will stop having a pity party.
Jess thankyou for replying love you too hun *hugs back* I'm going to try and spend some time with my horse this morning before I see my psych.. I just feel like I'm going to screw up his training like I screw up everything else; I dont deserve him.
Gaah sorry I'm being so negative this morning just had a terrible night's sleep and woken up feeling pretty awful. Tbh I feel like cutting, and I'm not really sure what to do instead.
Some mornings I wake up and feel ok, but mornings like this I just want to cry and hurt myself.
*cuddles*
Could you perhaps stay on here until you see your psych Ally? What time are you gong to see him? Your psych actually seems really helpful, have you spoken to him about how sometimes you feel demoralsed and hopeless? Has he suggested anything to help?
Sorry for all the questions by the way hon! Just try to keep yourself safe and if you think it would help to talk then I'm a PM away if you ever need me but no pressure okay.
PS God it seems quite weird to talk to you know it's morning for you but nearly midnight for me! I suppose that is due to the wonder of the internet!
You cannot get through a single day without having an impact on the world around you What you do makes a difference, and you have to decide what kind of difference you wish to make.
R.I.P my beautiful angel Kat, you will always be in my heart. 27/03/91-31/08/09 xxx Sweetdreams baby girl xxx
