feeling out of it - Page 3

tamobhuuta · 25-01-2010, 10:33 AM

thansk Oly. kept getting SI thoughts all through mass yesterday evening (OD and when i told myself i couldn't do that my head changed tack to jumping off buildings). seeing B today. don't know what to talk about - what is there to say? things are just the same. except now i have money so there are lots more ways to hurt myself. but apart from that i'm ok - just wading through, with emotions/lack of, and schoolwork.

Steel Maiden · 26-01-2010, 03:09 AM

Keep up with distractions, I find that helps me when They are bad.

tamobhuuta · 30-01-2010, 10:15 PM

things are funny. all focused one minute, mind all over the place the next. urges to cut are coming back

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but feeling better about the future. want to help people but too afraid to reach out.
spoke to my tutor on friday and she was nice but i want to not need people. i know it's ok to need help, but the help doesn't actually help, so i shouldn't want it, right? i know who i really want to talk to, but i've got nothing worth saying.
maybe this is what it's like to be normal and that's what i'm afraid of? being normal again.
all these things i want to do, plans for the future that i want to start now, but i know i have to wait. then i try to start them, but realise that i'm still not 'well' enough to do it - or is that i'm just too afraid?
can i have a hug?

Steel Maiden · 31-01-2010, 01:21 PM

I think that it is important that you reach out and let people help you. You will get stronger with time. I know this. It happened to me.
Big hugs.
The time will come, just take it easy.

tamobhuuta · 03-02-2010, 10:27 PM

i f***ed up today and

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there's 33 days down the drain.
such a f*** up

i was proud when i did it but now i hate myself.
T said it wasn't 33 days wasted, but what does he know? i told him, hoping it would make it easier to tell B on monday, but i don't know if i can do that.
i'm useless.

Steel Maiden · 04-02-2010, 09:44 AM

You're not useless. I slip up on self harm sometimes, but don't look at the incident as a whole, instead say "I've only self harmed once in the past month".

tamobhuuta · 04-02-2010, 09:36 PM

yeah, that sounds a good idea, i'll try it. i just so badly wanted to give it up forever this time, and i gave that up just to feel real. mind you if it wasn't for my arm still hurting i'd probably have done it again today, so i can't be that sorry.
told my tutor F what happened today. she said pretty much the same as you and T. still worried about telling B, although maybe she just expects me to fail again and again. don't know whether that's better or worse.
sorry, i'm rambling.

rockaroni · 06-02-2010, 02:41 AM

Oly has the right idea love. There is no point in going back to square one with every slip up, that way you feel like you never progress. And it really isn't square one, you worked hard enough to get that far. Its far more productive to either think something like "I used to do it x times a week, now I don't even do that in a month" or "x days free out of y days" or something along those lines.
Lovelove x

tamobhuuta · 08-02-2010, 08:39 PM

thanks Katie
...
had a really good weekend, but feeling quite vulnerable today. don't know what to do. trying to be nice to myself but it would be so much easier to punish.

ThinkingofRecovery · 08-02-2010, 08:42 PM

I'm glad you had a good weekend.

Keep trying to be nice to yourself. You DO NOT deserve or need to be punished.

Take care
xxx

Sleepless123 · 08-02-2010, 10:18 PM

Hi im so sorry ive not managed to reply to your thread for quite a while though i have been following it.

Although im late commenting i think the letter for B and K was really brave.And even if they didnt quite understand i hope it helped you in some way to write it out anyway.

And im really glad your still working so hard to reduce your self harm.

im sorry that you felt the need to burn though.But like the others said if possible try not to focus on the slip ups but instead what you have achieved and then try and pick up from there.

And i know you feel you should punish yourself but you dont need to be punished.

You are one of the kindest people i know and no-one deserves that.

i hope one day you can see yourself for the person you are and treat yourself with kindness.

i know it may be a long journey but your strength is amazing - even if it doesnt feel like that to you.

Please try and keep yourself safe and keep talking.

Thinking of you.

xx

Steel Maiden · 09-02-2010, 12:44 PM

How are you doing today?

tamobhuuta · 09-02-2010, 04:23 PM

i'm not too bad thanks. still want to hurt myself but trying to concentrate on my school work. we have an inset day so i don't have school luckily.
saw B yesterday which was helpful, she reassured me that people don't want me to hurt myself.
am seeing my GP on thursday for meds, so trying to decide what to tell him, if there's anything that needs to be said.
i realised this morning it's a month since i made this thread. shouldn't i be ok by now? i don't understand myself.

tamobhuuta · 10-02-2010, 10:16 PM

only did an hour's work today :(
i don't know if i can carry on like this.
how do i stop being so damn needy?

Sleepless123 · 10-02-2010, 10:50 PM

i dont think your needy or that you should be better by now.

Your not overly needy at all, your just struggling and doing your best.

Thats all anyone can do and i admire you for battling through this with such spirit even given how very tired you must be.

And also it takes time to get better and as ive learnt it can take A LOT of time.But you can get there.

Please try to be as honest as possible with your GP tomorrow.i know its scary but it sounds you are really struggling right now.Please try to tell him somehow.

Good luck and if you need more support you know where you can find me.And i always like to hear from you though am sad for your pain.

xx

Steel Maiden · 11-02-2010, 10:55 AM

You're not needy, you just need to take things a bit easier. Have you considered telling your school about your MH problems? I did when I was at school and they were really helpful. My upcoming uni know about my MH problems too and they're being really good to me.

tamobhuuta · 11-02-2010, 06:55 PM

school know but what can they do? ultimately it's my problem if i fail my exams.

tamobhuuta · 12-02-2010, 05:49 PM

**** day. i bought blades in my free and SHed through break and a lesson afterwards. it didn't help. when my tutor asked me why i missed my lesson, i couldn't tell her else i'd get chucked out for having blades in school. i feel like i should SH more. and she agreed that things are going to get harder this year, with exams and everything. makes me feel so optimistic... i feel like people are expecting so much from me. i don't even want people to say it'll be ok - i wouldn't believe them. i just... want to know i'm nto alone with this. does that count as needy? i don't know.

rockaroni · 13-02-2010, 05:49 PM

If harming didn't help, then why should you do it more? Not to pick holes with your logic, but surely that means if its not helping, you're getting past it, thus should do it less? I know these days it doesn't help me as much as it used to... And upper sixth is bloody hard enough [sorry, that's not helping, is it?] without adding the stress SH brings with it. This year isn't going to be easy- but I have faith in you that you can get through it. Forget about everyone's expectations [easier said than done, I know] and think about what you want to accomplish. Get through this year because you want to, not because anyone else is putting the pressure on.

But believe me when I say you're not alone in this. And it doesn't make you needy wanting that reassurance. *love*

tamobhuuta · 13-02-2010, 08:21 PM

*sighs* you make too much sense!