Rain, admittedly i dont know you and have only just read your thread but you know what the thing which strikes me most - how incredibly strong you are even if you might feel it right now at times.But you are.And as you say you WILL get well and come out the other side also.And also you DO deserve this help.i hope the therapy goes well tomorrow and im glad you got a good first impression of the therapist.Good luck and keep talking.Your journey is an inspiration and i am glad that you are getting help.Well done and keep fighting.
i do not always manage to be around but i wish you all the very best - love and luck to you all!
as many hugs as you need.
you are fighting so hard FRainy.
And you are right too;
You ARE going to be well.
With that determination and strength in you...oh yes, it will happen
love you
keepin well hid from others and self. i stated working more hours again. Stay away from HIM. I am very uncomfortable right now, but have not hurt myself (besides emotionally) for the past almost 2 weeks.
I dont know if it the meds or me being tired. I have no energy to reply to your wonderful threads as well as those who need my support, that i cannot gove. not because I dodnt ewant to, I cant for reason of triigering atmosphere.
My therapist is as good the 1st round. 4th round tuesday.
I want to thank you for your hugs, love and prayers.They give me inspiration, encouragement and hope.
Surviving for now (evn thought I dont want to),
Rain
Last edited by Rain Keeper : 04-10-2009 at 06:38 PM.
Reason: try to correct spellings
Rain it sounds like you are doing very well for how poorly you are feeling. I am very proud of you.
Much love,
Ally
I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I'm out of control, and at times hard to handle, but if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.
~ Marilyn Monroe
i am slipping under my own remorse. My new therapist is great. I had cut though before seeing her on Thursday. RIGHT before seeing her. She wanted to see it. Reluctantly I did show it.WOW! She was caring about it. Even knelt down beside me, put her hand on my knee and said that we would work this together. She called me that afternoon to see if the bleeding had stopped or if I had gone to ER(it hadnt by that time). I left a meassage for her yesterday. She called then, and she called today. Very kind woman I dont want to lose.
She knows I am alone this weekend. I am cleaning my house, my room, my closet. cleaning out. HE will come home to a fantastically showcase home that is without dust, without stuff laying around.
This is where it hurts. I feel like i am finalizing hte stituation where I could just leave. I mean suicide leave, yes. She asked about that (considering the letter I wrote my husband which could have been read as a final goodbye).
So I sit and ponder. No one here at the house-No one online could save me, but me.
WHAT am I doing?
I will have to leave something out, that i cant say I AM DONE
THIS is what I feel right NOW.
Please forgive me.
Please forgive me.
sometimes we do these things because we need re-assuring that people care. Perhaps this was a subconcious act to let you see that someone gives a ****?
Result is they do. Lots do.
Killing yourself sucks! You know this. else it wouldnt hurt so much.
Its not the answer. It never is.
do you think these feelings could be stronger because you are letting out more emotion right now.? releasing feelings to another can be really helpful but many times there will be a backlash because its just too much.
The depression will fight to keep its grip on you. It doesnt like opening up. It doesnt like outside help. IT HATES someone caring for your wounds!
Over the past 3 years ive noticed very definate patterns in my depression. Usually when a breakthru occurs i have a bad down patch. Something positive happens and then my ego kicks in and makes me feel **** because i feel undeserving of love and i hate myself for it.
Ride this wave. I firmly believe this is part of the healing pricess.
Its a fuxcking hard battle. It will take you to the edge.
If you go that will be one less pair of boobies in my life and that will make me the saddest panda.
Rainy if i can do this so can you. you are far far stronger than me!
Just keep communication channels open and just go with the flow.
Look at my story,
What do you see?
Read between the red lines and you can see me.
Scarlet secrets that only I know,
Secrets that whisper,
In fear to show.
My story in blood,
Where the blade has been-
So many secrets carved into my skin.
In darkness I sit so cold and numb.
I call out your name,
But you do not come.
I sit alone.
I sit in fear.
I pull the blade against virgin skin.
Skin so nice, unpatterned, untouched
By the torment of etched pain.
As the pool of blood gathers round my skin,
I sit again alone.
Ashamed.
Taunted.
Rejected.
My secrets that once whispered now scream.
I didnt know they could do it. My therapist got in touch with my Psych. They said if I keep having the nightmares. Keep taking more meds...they want me to go in.
I cant.
I want to die RIGHT NOW..
crap...didnt happen.
I am utterly scared for the amount i took. Now I wont have enough for the moment. I see her on friday. she wanted to see me earlier. I cant get off work.
I am thinking of telling husband...showing him what i have done to arms, thigh.
You can and will get the time off work. Tell them you have an appointment you cant miss! You need this support rain.
I think it would be a good idea for you to talk to your husband as well. Any and all support is good for you right now.
*cuddles*
