Thanks hun. I'm mad at myself for swapping my hours as now have to be in 4 days in a row - although not all full days. I can't keep messing them around like this.
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
Housemate has been a little off with me the psat few days or so and I haven't helped by having her 2 last cans of coke last night. Was meaning to replace them but forgot. So understandably she is pissed off with me about that. I can't work out why she was off with me prior to this.
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
You aren't a loser Carrie. You are still trying and you said before that the phased return back to work was fairly rapid this time. Maybe just slow it down and then you won't need to miss 'shifts' and therefore won't beat yourself up. The more you dwell on the fact you didn't make it in the worse you will feel and the harder it will be for you to go in tomorrow. Baby steps!
Please dont be so hard on yourself. You are doing what you can when you can. You are trying and doing your best. They cant expect anymore from you then that and neither can you.
Please be gentle with yourself. You really are doing so well xxxx
I need to be able to do it tomorrow. When I woke up this morning it was like before - the whole being paralysed by fear thing. I managed to go in last week so it should get easier shouldn't it, rather than harder again. I'm not depressed, there's nothing wrong with me, so why can't I do a simple thing such as go into work - argh.
GP surgery has received request from work for report but the receptionist said it prob won't be done for another week. She said that I needed to request seeing it already. I explained that the consent form I said indicated that I wanted to see it prior to weork seeing it and she said that it should be ok. Why wouldn't it be ok? They can't let work see it without me having had the opportunity to do so, I need to persuade them to leave out references to the sh, ods, etc.
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
Hi Carrie, Ive had these work/doctors reports done. Infact I too have one pending now. I always say i want to see the report and have never been let down. My doctor has to be honest when answering the questions but never goes into detail ie si and ods.. Mine have been more to do with any adjustments work can make, what the prognosis is for my returning to work, am I taking medication etc
Im sure it will be fine.
I hope work is ok for you tomorrow
I worked my arse off on that HL case and had the day-to-day running of it despite being such a junior lawyer. Now I've moved teams and no mention of me in the press release yet you mention some trainees who I have supervised on the case damn it - argh! I shouldn't get jealous but I am - no recognition of my role at all.
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
I'd be pissed aswell to be honest. I'd question someone about it but i'm a forward person and i know you are more sort of passive. Damn them. Doesn't really help your case in doing 2 full days at work i'm sure. *hug*
Majorly pissed off whilst pretending I don't care - bastards. Still worried that my job is being advertised internally.
Also have no idea how I am going to get through the next 2 days. So tonight it was either shred myself to bits or have a drink and cut less. I'm going for the latter approach.
Sorry, you did ask
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
Im so sorry that happened after all your work...Id be pretty mad too.
I think youve either got to deal with it full on and confront the people and have your question as to why answered. Or you have to brush it under the carpet as 'one of those things' and accept its happened...eitherwise it will keep on bothering you.
The problem is you are lucky to get a House of Lords case in your whole career - for me, as a very junior lawayer, to have had day-to-day running and supervision duties until very late in the day and not be recognised by the client news releases and other press releases when some of those I supervised were, just stinks. It just reminds me how ready people are to trample on you in my line of work . Sorry, argh!
I may never get such an opportunity again. If I hadn't taken a step down to paralegal I could have seen it through. I just screw up anything worthwhile don't I.
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
I don't think you should do either Carrie - you've proven to yourself you can go without the drink and cutting, so you CAN do it again.
See this is what i mean - your behaviour completely changes when work is involved, when work isn't involved although you aren't "fantastic" you're in a much more stable mindset. You're doing yourself no favours by throwing yourself in the deep end. You say your Quetiapine helps but it's not meant to be had with alcohol - so you aren't even getting the full effects of it half the time as you're drinking to the point of oblivion.
You've taken a lot of positive steps recently, new GP who is on your side, a new social worker, things are on the move but you're either scared of recovering, or are determined to self destruct because you don't feel able to go to work.
Not being able to go to work does not make you a failure. You're mentally ill for gods sakes. Full days at work would crush anyone who is mentally struggling. When i first became ill i never went to work at the pub - does that make me a failure too?
I'm not having a go, you know i love you dearly, but i've tried the nicey nice approach and it's seemingly not working. You need to learn to put yourself first, f*ck work, you have enough qualifications to get another job if they let you go (and they can't let you go without good reason anyway!)
You need to sort your mental health problems out before even THINKING of doing anything else Carrie. You've taken 2 steps forward and 10 back. It's all about the baby steps with BPD - but you do half a day at work, then throw yourself into doing full days when you are only just finding your feet again which throws you off balance and you're back at square one.
You have the option to do neither of the above Carrie but no one here can stop you from harming yourself, you have to do that for you. I pray to god you don't hurt yourself but i physically can't stop you.
I love you loads and i'm always here for you but you need to help yourself too babe. And you did last week and i was so so proud of you, but you can't keep doing this and going around in circles.
Always here for you, you know that.
Laura is right.
I can only speak from my experience, but when i was at work i was more stressed, criticised myself more, saw myself as a failure and harmed myself more. Ok im on sick leave and im not proud of the fact, but i think im in a better frame of mind now than when i was working.
Take the pressure off yourself and take a break from work...if you dont improve, then retrun...but i think you need to take a fair time off for you to see the benefits it could have on you.
Thanks Laura, I appreciate it when you say these things - it's what I value most about your friendship, your honesty.
I would have much preferred to have done half days but it ended up not being a choice b/c one of my emails when I got in today was from the HR mgr who is dealing with me and she attached my new plan for my phased rtn and it had whole days for today (which I didn't do) and Thurs and Fri. I'm not depressed anymore, yeah bpd still but not a reason not to work. I've managed it before. It seems every time I scale down things re work, I am able to manage less not more and so if I scale it down any more, I'm just going to be able to manage even less.
This stuff about the HL case has made me think. Maybe work have been lenient b/c of all the stuff I did whilst training and as a junior lawyer. I'm amazed I didn't completely crack up during it b/c whilst running that case, I was working on loads of other high value cases and left in charge of them at times. They aren't supposed to do that to trainee solicitors or junior solicitors. Now though I suppose they think they have been patient enough with me to pay back all that crap I wasn't supposed to do before.
I need the release. Sorry.
btw - you not working is different b/c you clearly have far greater difficulties than i do with your anxiety, bpd, etc.
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
. Sorry, argh!