This is amazing. Im so glad that you got your N's back!!
We’ve got obsessions
I want to erase every nasty thought that bugs me every day of every week
We’ve got obsessions
You never tell me what it is that makes you strong and what it is that makes you weak.
The next few days were haze of shock and exhaustion. I could barely raise my head from my pillow, let alone engage or interact with anybody else. Only Alice and Em could pull a response from me, and even then it was cursory monosyllabic responses. As the week went on I gradually began to unfreeze, though only enough to get out of bed and go through the motions. I was weighed and found to be a much lower weight than when I came in, which brought me the first surge of pleasure I had had in days. It also gave me a sense of purpose. To lose even more weight.
Shortly after this my parents visited, bringing my dog with them, who being small (though nursing the delusion that she was a Rottweiler in disguise), the nurses turned a blind eye to coming into the unit. As we cuddled and played and became used to each other again I felt my heart swell and warm with love for her, life creeping back into my bones. I also cuddled my mum and had a long chat with her, making me homesick for her company. I persuaded her to come and take me out later that week, before my next weekend leave.
The day arrived when mum was due to take me out and I was beside myself; this was an opportunity to escape the claustrophobic life of the unit, and for one afternoon at least, pretend I was normal. Mum and I had a whale of a time, surfing the sales, sipping tea in Starbucks, forgetting for a while the situation at hand. I returned home to the unit, bags brimming with bargains and a smile fixed to my face as though with glue.
Y.S asked to have a look in my bags, and I eyed her suspiciously, silently begging her not to ruin my day by checking for sharps in my bags. Y.S grinned at me and reassured “I’m not looking for anything, and feel free to say no, I’m just a shopaholic!” Relaxing slightly I showed Y.S my various purchases while she made appropriate noises and compliments throughout, leaving me feeling a rare surge of confidence. “Your mum sure loves you, buying you all of this!” she exclaimed at the end of, it and I nodded, still smiling. “Yeah, yeah she really does.”
'Never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you.'
['There is only one thing we say to death. Not today'.']
'We are each our own devil, and we make this world our hell.’ – Oscar Wilde
‘It’s hard to dance with the devil on your back.’ Sydney Carter
StillBroken is my cool lil sis!!! - surprising mystery is my uber-cool monkey!!!zowie is my lil sis !!!!- LetDeathEmbraceUs is my Wolfie !!!
BrokenKisses is my DizzyCandyFloss !!! rachel487 is my lil sis !!! nuttergirl is my kool neice !!! CrazyKat is my book buddie !!!
NO MATTER HOW BAD YOU FEEL - ONE NICE PM TO SOMEONE NEW A DAY HELPS!!! TRY IT!!!
“The good things don’t always soften the bad, but vice-versa, the bad things don’t necessarily spoil the good things and make them unimportant.”
“Nobody important? Blimey, that’s amazing. Do you know, in nine hundred years of time and space I’ve never met anyone who wasn’t important before.”
“If it’s time to go, remember what you’re leaving. Remember the best. My friends have always been the best of me.”
That weekend relations with my mother deteriorated. Driving me home for my weekend leave she admitted to having read my diary, for the second time, the first being the day I disclosed the abuse. I was furious, shouting at her as we sped down the motorway, for one I felt searing hot the evasion of my privacy, and heavily the breaking of a promise from someone I trusted.
Mum became extremely frightened that I would do something self destructive and sat in the driver’s seat, knuckles white with tension, stealing glances at me as though she expected me to have attempted suicide at any given moment. A few moments later when I still couldn’t look her in the eye she spoke up; “I’m going to take you back to the unit, I don’t think you’ll be safe…” I cut across her, violently and indignantly.
“Oh no you bloody don’t, this is your fault, not mine, and I am not losing my weekend leave because of you!”
The furious argument continued all the way home, though we did manage to maintain the homebound direction, rather than to the unit. Once home I retreated to my room and pulled out my diary, anxiety and fury raging, trying to read my diary through the eyes of my mother. This was not as hard as I expected as having read my diary, she had also left a variety of comments, corrections and sarcastic snipes throughout. I sat, unable to believe my eyes at the flippancy she showed for my most intimate thoughts and feelings. The most hurtful was when I turned to the page where my original suicide note to her was scribbled, and beneath my carefully chosen words and heart felt semantics she had scrawled a sharp, sarcastic ‘thanks a lot Katy’.
'Never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you.'
['There is only one thing we say to death. Not today'.']
'We are each our own devil, and we make this world our hell.’ – Oscar Wilde
‘It’s hard to dance with the devil on your back.’ Sydney Carter
