Life, please... no more

[crazykat]

That's a lovely poem, she sounds special. I agree with your nan, a friend wouldn't treat you that way. Have you spoken to her again about payment? *hugs lots*

[Kahlia1981]

Kat: I didn't get a chance to when she was around yesterday as her oldest kid was being a ..... sh!thead. I did say in her hearing that I was having trouble meeting the necessary bills due to being forced to replace the monitor that her kid had destroyed, but I don't know if it would have sunk in. I'm going to bring it up with her though. *hugs you back*

Yeah, my little girl was special. I shared the poem with my parents. My mum liked it too. There were a lot of times that little girl was the only thing that kept me going. But to me, all pets are special. If I get a pet I only choose one that I "connect" with. I don't know, it's hard to explain. I chose Heids because I sat down and she put her head on my lap and looked up at me. Something just said "this is the one". *shrugs* I can't explain better than that.


Really nervous right now. I have an Advocate coming over in approximately 10 minutes to talk to me about my case with Queensland Health and the HQCC and so forth. I don't know if she can help us/me, or whatever, or even what can be done. And what makes it harder is that my housemate isn't home from the doctors surgery yet, so I'm freaking myself out.

I've printed out all the communications with the HQCC as well as a Mental Health History. I've also printed out the DSM-IV-TR Criteria for the appropriate illnesses and done a "Complaint History" .... *screams* I am so freaking scared!! I keep thinking that I've forgotten something incredibly major.

*takes out paper bag and starts breathing deeply into it*

[mouse in darkness]

*hugs* kahlis. I am sure you have got it all down. Hope it goes well.

[Kahlia1981]

Just quickly dropping a line before I go for a smoke . . .

Would you believe that the Advocate didn't show? My housemate got home about 5 minutes before she was due, so my anxiety lessened a little. We waited until she was 90 minutes late and then walked down the road to a Pharmacy to get my housemate's pain medication (after ringing them to check they had it first - don't ask me about Pharmacies and medication). She rang while we were down there. Apparently there'd been a crisis and she "hadn't thought" to get someone else to ring me and reschedule. I missed her call and had to check the message twice because she'd said the mobile number so fast.

Anyway I've rung them back to reschedule and am now, once again, waiting on them. They won't call back today, so it's likely the appointment won't happen until next week. I guess the good thing is that all the printing and "hard yard" work is done.

Meh.

I think I'd like to dig myself a hole (or a grave, I'm not picky) and bury myself in it . . .

[crazykat]

*Hugs* All the best for when you do manage to sit down and have a chat with this "friend", I really hope that she does take some sort of responsibility for it. That sucks they advocate didn't show, I hope it goes okay when you see them next. Hold on there hun, here if you need anything. Take care
Kat xxx

[PoisonedApple]

Quote:

Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge. When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge. There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together. There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.
All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor. Those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by. The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind. They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent. His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.
You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.
Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together....
Author unknown...

Thought you might like this one. But you best not be heading for the rainbow bridge any time soon *crosses arms and gives you THE serious look*
Sorry about you parents lack of support and your advocate. Wish there was something we on RYL could do to make it better *cuddles*

[Kahlia1981]

*hugs Kat* - Really hoping the friend does take responsibility. Thanks. Hopefully I won't need the luck, but I'll appreciate it all the same. The Advocate not showing was really sucky, but I guess at least she did make contact. . . even if it wasn't in the time-frame that I would have preferred. Thanks also for the warm wishes on the appointment there for when it does occur. I'm really hoping she is able to help me. Kat, thank you so much for your support.

Crimson - *big hugs* I have actually read that I think, it's called the "Rainbow Bridge" isn't it? I really liked it. I think someone put a lot of thought into it and it's a good story/free-form poem. I really love it. I'll try not to head for the Rainbow Bridge . . . I think my housemate would be trying every trick in the book to bring me back or stop me outright. Thanks so much for your support, it means a lot that you have taken the time to respond.

Quote:

Insanity: Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
- Albert Einstein

Last night was bad ... in a lot of ways. I was lying in bed and looked at the window and had this urge to jump out of it. Considering we are on the third floor this could have been dangerous. Luckily I was in control. I ended up shutting the window to try and provide a "degree of separation" between the urge and the action.

Then I felt something that I haven't felt for a long time. I felt like I wasn't alone in my own head. At first I didn't recognise it for what it was, as I haven't been like this since 2008. I started off questioning myself as to whether it was a form of hallucination. But it wasn't auditory hallucinations. There was absolutely no similarity with my voices.

Now I can recognise it. My DID has resurfaced. Not quite sure what to do, or what is going to happen, or how to cope. Feeling a bit scared. Well actually, if I'm going to be honest here, I'm feeling a bit terrified. See, I don't know how many alters I have, or who they are, or what they are, or what they are capable of . . . and that terrifies me. I'm scared of what I may be capable of.

I don't even know if that makes sense. I don't have any support psychologically for it, and am not able to get any. I see my psychiatrist tomorrow and we'll see what he says ... but I'm not sure how he will react. My last psychiatrist was able to deal with it, and helped me to deal with it, but since then I've had ECT and don't remember anything about it. My GP was really understanding when I talked to him about it today though.

I guess it's pretty good that I have one ally in the medical profession . . . right?

Oh, one other thing. The letter that the public health psychologist typed, printed, signed and addressed to my GP in front of me in my last session has not yet arrived at the doctors surgery. The GP rang the Community Mental Health who told him that the letter had not yet been written. What does that tell you boys & girls ? ? ?

[mouse in darkness]

*Hugs* Kahlia. I am sorry about what has happened pm me if you want a chat. And yes at least one ally can make the difference.

*Huggles*

[crazykat]

*Hugs Kahlia* I am proud of you for being proactive about the urge and fighting it. Good luck with the pysch, here if you ever need to chat

[Kahlia1981]

*hugs Nicole (MID)* Thanks hun.
*hugs Kat* Thanks.

The session with the psychiatrist went ... surprisingly well ... almost in the Robin Hood - Men In Tights "surprisingly well" type way.

We talked about a lot of different things. And we managed to get some clarity and some different decisions, but also some semi-solutions and some thoughts for the future.

I told him about the pain in my shoulder and the being referred to Pain Management Clinic.
I told him about the pain killers I was on, the types and their purposes.
I told him about the sheer number of tablets that I take at night.
I told him about my level of depression and how it doesn't appear to be improving.
I told him that we could not be sure that the Topamax was working while I was still on the Lithium.
I told him about the resurfacing of my DID.
I told him about the Xanax I was taking for anxiety.
I told him about my sleep issues.
I told him what I was taking (Mogadon) to try to give me back a "normal" sleep pattern.
I told him about my being ditched from the public system in regards to psychological treatment.
I told him about the letter that had been printed and signed, then showed to me, folded and addressed in front of my eyes but had still not arrived at my GP's office nearly a week later.
I told him that no free psychologist would treat me with my diagnosis of Schizo Affective Disorder with co-morbid Dissociative Identity Disorder under the Better Outcomes Plan . . .

In regards to my shoulder and it's pain levels: He agreed that my "resting pain" was too high - about a 7/10 on 3 Endone a day. He would rather I moved to a pain patch, however at the present time this is not an option as I am taking benzo's to a) attempt to give me a sleep pattern that is a bit more "normal" and b) give me some control over the anxiety. For anyone who doesn't know, a pain patch and a benzo is equal to respiratory depression and most likely death. He was really happy that the referral to Pain Management Clinic had gone through. He's hopeful that something good will come out of it.

With the depression: At this point in time he is unwilling to remove the Lithium on the grounds that it might be having a "protective" factor. He doesn't believe that the Topamax has yet reached a serum level that would make it effective as a monotherapy. He is also concerned that both the Endone and the Xanax and Mogadon are acting as CNS Depressants which could be adding to the depression. With that in mind it probably isn't the time to withdraw anything which "could" be having a protective effect.

Regarding the DID: I explained to him what had been happening and he was really good. He believed me, which I was incredibly concerned he wouldn't. When I brought it up, I said to him that it was mentioned on a diagnostic letter that I had given him on the day of our first meeting on February 1st. He even said he could remember the letter. Anyway, long story short, he said the only way to "get through it" - because there is no "cure" - is to undergo a really intensive process of "dynamic psychotherapy", I think it's called. Basically of going back into all the memories of the traumatic event that caused the split - for want of a better term - and dealing with them in the here-and-now. Right now isn't the right time for me to be going through that process, from what he said it will - by it's very nature - cause me to go downhill very rapidly when it begins, so you need to be on very firm footing to begin. He gave me the advice of trying to equip myself with as much anxiety-related coping strategies as possible, and in trying to get people close to me to be able to identify alters and then possibly dangerous alters or dangerous behaviours. He also said that if I was ready for this treatment before I left this town, he would do everything in his power to ensure that I got it through a competent psychotherapist in the public system.

Sleep: When I talked to him about my sleep issues he realised how serious this is. I gave him a simple example - 3 months with 1 hours sleep a night - and how "normal" people went crazy. He really understood after that.

Psychologist: When I explained what had happened. He just shook his head. I told him straight out that no-one in that system who was free would take me with those illnesses. He said "No, they are too much work." The good thing about that? He acknowledged my diagnoses. He hasn't actually done that before. He also said that if the paperwork does ever arrive, only to work on anxiety-related coping strategies. Let someone who can, and has enough time to handle the other stuff do it, because otherwise nothing will work.

Medication Changes: As a result of yesterday there have been some changes. My lithium has been changed from [2 x 250 mg] am [3 x 250 mg] pm to [1 x 450 mg] am & [2 x 450 mg] pm. The Topamax has increased to 100 mg pm. Everything else is still the same. It doesn't sound like much, but I've dropped 1 tablet in the morning and 2 tablets at night. The difference between 10 and 8 seems minute, but when it's tablets ... it can make a world of difference.

Also, I got the script - which was a hospital script - filled at the hospital pharmacy. The Topamax I get as a non-PBS script which means that if I get it filled elsewhere it would (at this level) cost me over $100. It only cost me $5.40 yesterday. Yes, so I only got 30 tablets ... but I did get 11 repeats. You win some, you lose some I guess.

I have to go, I have an appointment with my DES Job Counsellor and have to catch a bus in 20 minutes.

[PoisonedApple]

*huggles* glad it went so well :)

[crazykat]

Glad the appointment went well hun, good luck with the job counsellor *hugs*

[Kahlia1981]

So damn tired. Meh.

Anyway, first things first.

Crimson: Thanks for the hugs chicka. *big hugs* back at you. And thanks for taking the time to respond.

Kat: *huggles* Thanks hun, both for the hugs and for the good wishes.

It really means a lot to me that you take the time to read, and respond when you can. I really appreciate it.

The appointment with my Job Counsellor - or whatever she is supposed to be called - on Thursday went fairly well. We talked about my emotional situation and the resurgence of my DID and various other things like that. My old Job Counsellor - she got me the last job I had which ended very nastily when they had a change of Manager who fired me due to my mental illness and then caused the organisation to settle out of court because otherwise it would have looked really bad for them . . . as they were an organisation working for people with disabilities - came in and I mentioned the resurgence of the DID and she asked me if they were the same personalities. I'm thinking of asking her of information about them because I know very little about my alters.

Anyway, I caught the bus down to my Disability Employment place and it was a terrible ride. The driver almost missed a stop . . . well, actually he did miss it. He slammed on the brakes and ended up a few metres in front of the bus stop and then slammed into reverse gear, revved the engine and put his foot flat to the floor and took us back. The stop before I got off the bus he pulled up behind another bus which meant that the majority of his rear-end was still in the middle of an intersection. He let a couple of people off the bus, and people were still filing to the front to exit the bus when he attempted to get clear of the intersection. This caused one lady at the front of the bus - who had absolutely nothing to hold onto - to go flying. The drivers concession was to ask her if she was okay after he had stopped the bus. I was so glad to be getting off at the next stop.

Anyway I had a call from the Advocate who had missed the appointment. We've got an appointment on Monday morning - but this time at her office. The call came really late on Thursday afternoon. I have to confess I wasn't expecting to hear from her until this coming week as they don't work on Fridays - or at least their office isn't open on Fridays. I guess we'll just cross our fingers and see how things go.

My housemate and I met up with my mother yesterday for lunch. Mum had surgery to have titanium screws put in her jaw a week or so ago. She has some pretty extensive bruising down her throat. She's basically been on mushy foods since then like mashed potato and pumpkin, soups etc.. We're having my parents over for dinner next Saturday night ... it could be interesting. It was quite a nice walk up to the shops - some 2.5 km, even if my housemate had to keep telling me to slow down.

In a purely environmental sense things have been very, very quiet. On an emotional front . . .

My friend still hasn't come to any sort of financial arrangement regarding the monitor. My housemate had broached the subject with her and we'll know by her reaction towards me in the next week where we really stand.
- The emotional fallout from this:

• I don't want to lose a good friend
• I'm struggling financially
• I feel used
• I feel like I've been abandoned in a time of need
• I'm questioning whether I can trust her
• I felt hurt

I was a member of a group aimed at being supportive and helping to lift it's members, all of whom had mental illnesses. I explained the difficulties I was facing getting treatment here, and one of the members told me to lay down and die, and put up and shut up. She used her example - she got upset at her psychiatrists receptionist and her psychiatrist got upset at her - to tell me that I should not make waves, as if it was as serious as the hospital administering an overdose and then refusing to treat the resulting symptomatology.
- The emotional fallout from this:

• I felt they were belittling the situation
• I felt let down
• I felt I could not trust this person
• I felt I could not trust anyone else in the group
• I felt incredibly hurt

My little baby girl Heidi's death anniversary is next week, as you would most likely already know.
- The emotional fallout from this:

• I feel pain from missing Heidi
• I feel regret from having to make that decision
• I feel regret from not having been able to spend more of her last day/years with her

I'm not able to find, or even really look for work at the present time.
- The emotional fallout from this:

• I feel useless
• I feel like I am worthless
• I feel like I will never amount to anything
• I feel like my life will never improve
• I hate myself for having skills but for not being able to apply them

On top of that I am having strong urges to self harm and attempt suicide. I don't want to leave the world that way but the urges just keep getting stronger. My housemate keeps telling me that if I get angry at someone - like the Health Department - not to take it out on myself, but I don't even know if that's what this is. I don't really know what is going on right now. Sometimes it just feels like it is time to cut the rope. I don't know why.

I don't know anymore ... I really don't. Sorry.

[crazykat]

Glad the appointment with the job counsellor went well, it sounds like she is understanding of your situation. The bus driver sounds horrible though, I have had terrible bus drivers too. It sucks, public transport can be a pain sometimes. Good luck with the appointment with the advocate on Monday. Glad you had a nice lunch with your mum, my sister has been on mushy food too the last few weeks as they broke her jaw to realign it or something like that. She is only now starting to eat more solid foods as shes healing up, anyways hope your mum has a speedy recovery. I hope your friend really comes through with the money, its understandable you feel the way you do I would too.Hun don't let the person make you feel bad for standing up for what you believe in, it takes alot of courage to do what you have done. You should be proud of yourself. In regard to Heidi's anniversery, can you do something special to remember her by? Like go for a walk somewhere she liked to go. I can understand the feelings behind not being able to work but hun you are doing the best you can at the moment and that is enough. You are not worthless. Please hold on there hun, here if you ever need to talk *Hugs*

[Kahlia1981]

Kat - *great big hugs* and thanks.

My friend has started to pay me back the money. In one way that is a pressure off my mine but ... she dropped around and gave it to me and she was in tears. She'd had to flee from her mothers house because her mother was once again abusive. I helped her in the only way I could, with "skin". In other words I gave her tissues and hugs. I let her know that both I and my housemate were there for her. And reiterated to her that she really needs to move out of her mothers place. She has realised that for herself now. She is going to start house-hunting in earnest tomorrow. She'd given me a packet with some money in it when she arrived and I just put it down and didn't even touch it until after she had left. I think that let her know that she meant more to me than money. I still feel like a bad person though. . .

Getting nervous about the meeting with the Advocate tomorrow morning. I've prepared as much as I can. I just don't know what the outcome will be, and that type of situation always does this to me. My housemate will be coming with me thank goodness.

Feeling really bad with really strong urges for both Self Injury and suicide. Also fighting for the first time in a long time with disordered thoughts towards eating - really wanting to restrict as much as possible. Maybe it's just the stress causing me to sort of implode. I don't know. I don't know that any more than I know what to do about it.

Maybe it's just time to cut the rope.

[SoMuchMore]

*cuddles you*

I've been reading your thread lately, and just wanted to say that i think you are doing great telling your psychiatrist about the problems you're having and meeting with the job counselor.

Sorry, i'm really crappy at advice, but I wanted to send some love your way.

Do not "cut the rope" please. I dont think its time for that at all. Hang in there.

*more cuddles*

[CrazyHayley]

Just letting you know that I'm all caught up on what's been going on recently with you - wow, so much to deal with. I am glad that your GP is a supportive ally for you and I hope that the changes made to your medication help. Don't give up your fight, you've come so far and you're so strong, I believe in you. You've so mnay different situations going on at the moment, and I feel unable to comment and give advice on them all, but I am thinking of you and wishing you the best in all that you do. I wish that there was more that I could do for you. *huggles*

[crazykat]

Hun your not a bad person for taking the money, regardless of her situation it was her responsibility so I am glad she started to give you some money. You listened to her and offered her a shoulder to cry on, in my eyes that shows someone who is caring and is a good friend. All the best for meeting with the advocate tomorrow, remind yourself that you have prepared for it so you will be okay and that your housemate will be there for support too. Until tomorrow can you try and do something to relax you a bit so you can get a bit of sleep. Please don't give up now, you have come so far. Your life is worth living, there are people that care about you. Hold on there hun. Take care
Kat xxx

[Kahlia1981]

Laura: *cuddles you tightly* Thank you so much for taking the time to respond. Hun, I really appreciate you taking the time to let me know that you have read. It means a lot to me. I'm trying to hang on. *big hugs* once again.

Hayley: Thanks so much for responding. There has been such a lot going on. I'm also hopeful that the changes to the medication help, in a good way. At least it cuts down what I take at night, right? Anyway, thanks so much for your warm wishes. *cuddles you*

Kat: Thank you so much for your kind words. I really appreciate it. *big hugs*

My friend - the one whose daughter destroyed my monitor - has been pretty much rendered homeless. She left her husband some time ago and moved back into her mother's house. Unfortunately her mother drinks and becomes abusive, and that abuse includes the kids.

The abuse has been getting stronger and stronger as you might have guess from what I wrote the other day. Anyway she came around last night in tears and with the kids. We offered for her to stay here last night, but she made an arrangement with her estranged (or ex) husband, which she thought would be better as that way at least the kids would be sleeping in their own beds.

She came around this morning after dropping the kids off at school and kindergarten respectively and we had a chat about the plan for the day. She has arranged a Mail Redirection so that all her mail (except parcels) comes to our house for 3 months, so that once she has removed all her stuff from her mother's place she will no longer have to go back there. Right now she and my housemate are organising a budget plan for her so she can work out what she can afford.

Anyway, this morning I had the appointment with the Advocate. I only got home a little while ago. Unfortunately she was NOT able to help us, BUT ... she has referred us to a program that can help step in and provide support with our mental illnesses, and also help out in other ways if required. She has also given us information and supplied a "referral" for systemic advocacy to the highest advocacy person/group in the State, AND she's looking up how we can put in a Ministerial complaint and advised us both to do so. She is going to get in touch to pass on that information, as well as keeping in touch in case the situation does turn into something that she/their agency can help with. So, I guess it's a good thing, right? I mean, she took the time to listen, then she realised that at present she couldn't help us, BUT she tried to refer us to what could help us - and when I say us, I really do mean us, not just me but my housemate too - and promised to keep in touch for if the situation does arrive where they can help. What more can you ask for?

Feeling like I could collapse right now. But I did really well. Gave the Advocate heaps of information that was probably more than she needed. She was really surprised (in a good way) of how organised we were. AND I didn't freeze up, so yay me.

Now I'm counting down the hours until 9am tomorrow when I hit my next milestone on my SI free journey - not a big one, but still an achievement, 21 months. But right now I'm just oh, so, very tired. *sigh*

Is it sleepy time yet???

[crazykat]

*Hugs* Sounds like your friend is in a tough situation she is lucky to have such lovely person such as yourself in her life. Please don't forget to look after yourself too. Sorry the advocate wasn't able to help, I hope the services she has referred you too though will be able to help. 21 months free is an amazing achievement, keep going hun