Katie... you said that none of us know you... and maybe you're right. have you ever considered that you might not know yourself very well though? looking back, when i was really sick, i had a really really warped veiw of who i was, what strengths i had, and what i could be... the people around me had a much better sense of who i was than i had at the time.... or maybe... they saw who i could be, while i only saw how i was at the moment. that might be a better way of putting it i think.
this is my magical medicine cabinet. Left to right they contain: courage, hope, calmness, and strength.
The magical part: They NEVER run out, so borrow some any time you want.
I just wanna scream and cry and throw the world into chaos so they can know how I feel inside...but all anyone keeps saying to me is that I don't have it that bad. Probably true but it feels like I do.
This is just another death...another anniversary...another person ripped out of my life.
Trying is good. My brain is slow today, sorry in advance. You didn't poison anyones life. You don't know that Adam would be happier if you weren't in his life; he could have been unhappier without you. You have brought him happiness, and him you over the years; but theres no single cause to being unhappy or happy, its a bunch of things all meeting together.
You're at the beginning stages of grieving for James. It might be harder before it gets easier. Allow yourself the time you need to grieve, in the way you need to. Though the pain of losing someone you love never goes completely away, it becomes easier to bear as time goes on.
Yes, there's people in worse situations to you, and there's also people in better situations to you. That's irrelevant; this is you, your situation, your hurt, your struggle. Everyone processes things in different ways, has different tolerance levels. The same situation can leave one person struggling a lot, and another almost fine. Your emotions aren't invalid. Look for healthy ways of letting yourself grieve and feel everything to work through it; we all know s.i. is just temporary relief, no matter how effective at the moment...
(i'm not attacking or anything about you having hurt yourself, like most of us here i struggle with it too)
*hugs*
Every day the world is made a chance to change but i feel the same.
And I wonder why would i wait till i die to come alive?"
All alone the way she feels
Left alone to deal with all the pain-drenched sorrow relief
Tomorrow is my first day on my own...at my own house...since everything happened. Got to admit I'm pretty damn scared about whether I can handle it and keep myself safe.
I refill my meds tomorrow so I know I can do it if it gets too much. I just don't want to carry on without James...
how about having Adam or someone else get the meds prescription filled?
make a plan for how to get through the day. and NOT a plan that includes harm, overdoses, or any of those other harmful things... scared is a horrible feeling, but don't let it convince you that you won't be able to make it through
this is my magical medicine cabinet. Left to right they contain: courage, hope, calmness, and strength.
The magical part: They NEVER run out, so borrow some any time you want.
so take a seat on the sidelines, and don't make any decisions either way. just stay right where you're at for a breather, if you think that is what you need.
this is my magical medicine cabinet. Left to right they contain: courage, hope, calmness, and strength.
The magical part: They NEVER run out, so borrow some any time you want.
I can't do this...I really fucking can't. Well, no. I probably can. I just don't really feel like I want to. They can't help me...and I can't help myself. All they keep saying is to contact SANDS or call crisis or talk to people around me. I don't want that though. I don't want people to 'understand' how I'm feeling or feel sorry for me or try to empathise with me...I want someone to tell me how to fix this or how to make this better or how to stop myself feeling like this. I want a solution. I don't want to keep going over and over things about how I'm feeling and how much I miss James and how I feel like my whole life is falling to pieces.
I feel like people are expecting me to be moving on by now. It's not even been two weeks and I know logically they're probably not even thinking anything about it...they're probably wondering how I'm staying so strong but I don't feel it. I feel like I'm being judged and that people are getting sick and tired of me being so sad and down all the time. If I could dig myself out of this pit of hopelessness I would...but no one's ever told me how to do that. I know how to lose people; I could write the fucking handbook on it...what I need is for someone to tell me how to fix this for everyone else. How to stop Adam being so sad. How to stop our families hurting. All of it. I NEED to fix it for them; only this time I'm not sure how to.
The hardest part of it all is that I'd just finally started letting myself believe that everything was going to be okay. I'd started buying clothes and picturing our life with a baby...then it got ripped away. I'd held my breath for months because I couldn't believe it was really happening...I waited for something to go wrong and for us to lose him...but when I finally let my heart open and let him in - that's when things went wrong. It's like every time this happens it's just setting in concrete my belief that I shouldn't let people into my heart and my head. I am so used to going through everything on my own; Ben's death, Tom's death, Dan and Matt and Tony and Kelly and Tasha's deaths...I went though them alone. I didn't let people see me vulnerable. I was the strong one who pulled them all through it. How can I admit to them that I need someone else to be strong for me? I made a box for James today...all of the pictures and scans and notes and the clothes we'd bought...but it broke me a little inside every time I wrote his date of birth...27.05.2012...your date of birth isn't meant to be the same as your date of death. He barely lived a couple of minutes but I felt him. When he came out...I know he breathed and moved. That was it though. Minutes later it was over and he was gone. I haven't told Adam about that...those movements haunt me. I don't want to upset him any more. It'll break him again.
I want to stop everything...the screaming in my head...the drums and the noise and the voices and the flashbacks and the memories...all of it. I want to make it all go away. Yes, you're right...that doesn't mean that I have to die...but it feels like it to me. I feel like I've tried everything else. I've tried running from my problems, hiding from them, facing them...I feel like I've done everything in my power to make things go away and better...but now I'm in an even worse place than before. I've always had something to fight for...be it Uni or school or work or the pregnancy...no matter how things end I'd have something else to fall back on...but now I don't. I've lost my job, I've quit University without finishing my degree, I've lost my child...I just feel like slowly I've lost everything and now I just don't know what to do.
I just wish none of this had happened...at all. The urges are so strong and I am completely unsupported. I am alone...and this time it's too much to bear.
Katie, all of us would tell you how to get out of this if we knew an exact answer. no one is trying to keep information from you, or make this more difficult than it has to be. there simply isn't a "solution" there is no quick fix. there is no magic button. there is no absolute checklist of do this, this, this, and that, and you will feel better. you've got to find your own way. and everyone here is trying to help you do that. we can tell you what helped us. we can tell you what has helped other people. we can suggest things that might solve little peices of the problem. but nobody is going to be able to come up with an entire solution. you need to build one yourself.
and i know that right now, it seems impossible. it seems daunting, and overwhelming, and you probably simply don't want to do it. or don't feel like you can do it. but the options you have are to try to find a way to be happy again, or to stay how you are now, and probably end up feeling worse over time. neither option is pleasant. neither option is easy. both will hurt. but only one of them gives you the opportunity to feel better in the long run.
two weeks is not a long time. two weeks, and you're still near the beginning of greiving. anyone who expects you to just feel better now is, in my opinion, an idiot.
you know what else? when you admit that you aren't strong, thats when you admit that you're human. and then when you make it through anyways, and are resilient, that also shows that you are human. which is a good thing!
you can't stop your family's hurting. in fact, i think the only way that one could just stop hurting would be if all of a sudden they didn't care about James at all. it is because they care about James, and you, and Adam, that they are hurting. don't try and take their care away. people need to go through feeling bad after someone that they cared about has died. just like you will make your own way through, they will as well. it isn't your responsibility, or your right, to do it for them.
this is my magical medicine cabinet. Left to right they contain: courage, hope, calmness, and strength.
The magical part: They NEVER run out, so borrow some any time you want.
and, sometimes the solution is clear, but you're still the one who has to do it. remember the war analogy. you can have the best generals and medics and food supply lines in the world and that is all super helpful, but ultimately you're the soldier, and the soldier has to do the fighting.
also... think about when you were in school, particularly math class. the teacher could show you how to do problems all day, but you had to study and practice and put the time in on your own to really learn the material
this is my magical medicine cabinet. Left to right they contain: courage, hope, calmness, and strength.
The magical part: They NEVER run out, so borrow some any time you want.
I was presvribed diazepam for when things got too much to make me sleep but had to stop it when pegnant and they took what Ihad left so I didnt OD on it.
