Having a hard time...
I don't know how much further i can fight through this all without everyone else.
My T didn't help at all. I sent her the clearest message 'I don't feel safe, i really feel like i need some extra support. It was hard to reach out like this. Ash'
She didn't reply. She said it didn't make any sense. Damn her. Damn her
I'm getting more and more anxious by the minute. bugger. f*ck
I do nbot know, but i do know that it is getting harder and harder to control certain thoughts.
I am doing my best
I have to leave the computer in ten minute Ashton, but is there anything you would like to talk about ?
I refuse to post in this thread if he is in here. *points at khadrah* All future posts made on this account will not have been posted by me, only the others.
Laura.x
I dreamed I was missing, you were so scared.
But no-one would listen, cos no-one else cared
I'm strong on the surface, not all the way through
I've never been perfect but neither have you
I don't care if it's immature. I refuse to speak to you. Goodbye, though, keira may still want to speak to you. :\ ah well. Have to go back.
Laura.x
Ps. on topic here, is it possible for two of us to be out at the same time? we didn't think so, but we spoke to some who did. Can anybody else do this?
I dreamed I was missing, you were so scared.
But no-one would listen, cos no-one else cared
I'm strong on the surface, not all the way through
I've never been perfect but neither have you
We've been confused. Switching every half hour. Good thing nobodies notices. Somebody noticed the "mood swings" and suspected multiple personalities. This scares us. We don't want people to know. Especially not the school, don't know what we would do if that happened.
So lost. So confused. Laura went pretty crazy last night and hurt some people. We don't even know why.
Sorry for the rant.
I dreamed I was missing, you were so scared.
But no-one would listen, cos no-one else cared
I'm strong on the surface, not all the way through
I've never been perfect but neither have you
I too appologize if my comment was taken offensively Kyle/Laura or if anyone else has been worried/concerned/upset by it. .
It has been a hard day and we are lucky to have gotten through it without damaging someone. To say it was my first time when i have truly, truly felt the urge to escape from the situation because i would be a danger to people around me is an understatement. How this place can be called a good school is beyond me.
It's quite disoientating sometimes, being all... Different?. Like.. I'm a guy. And well, the host's a girl. And apparently, not very popular but with her friends, is rather talkative at school. So they've noticed. Only one person here knows about me and they have suspected that i'm out. Asking questions and the such...
How do you even begin to explain that you're protecting them from the questioner? O_O
We can relate Khadrah. It's also beyond me how it can be called a good school.
I'm sure laura (but i can't speak for her completely) has expressed similar concerns, when it comes to avoiding hurting people, and being stuck "different" as you put it.
I can't do this. I can't cope day in day out. Keep switching every half hour at most. Every 10 minutes at least. I can't handle this. Nobody's noticed, thankfully. nobodies noticed how different i act. The only one who noticed once was somebody who already knew, and that was with alice, who acts the most different, even though she tries not to.
Flashbacks are driving me insane. :(
Worried about the safety of khadrah & host. Laura might try to hurt them.
I dreamed I was missing, you were so scared.
But no-one would listen, cos no-one else cared
I'm strong on the surface, not all the way through
I've never been perfect but neither have you
You're bound to be uncertain but we're sure it will work out for the best.
We have to see the drugs worker and social worker/therapist tomorrow. Normally, Chelsey speaks to them but I might have to be out for their safety...
We're dreading it. If they ask how Chelsey's been... Well. they'll have to get the truth [alomst]. Something along the lines of "Chelsey's been drawing back into herself"... She's spoken to them in 3rd person before (I think it's easier for her) so they might not notice that I'm out...
lostboys... i'm thinking of you old bean. i know its a.m. just now and hope your day is starting gently. i feel very compassionate towards you. on behalf of others, they think you are a really good person, a cool guy, really intelligent and several feel very 'rescuey' about you wanting to protect you (and that includes me).. just sharing in a very frank way
Ash *cuddles* hoping everyone is holding up in there. I'm sorry your therapist isn't being very helpful just now.
The following content has been hidden - Reason : stuff
things are weird at the moment, there is just a general feeling of anxiety...amongst everyone. not really sure why. some of it makes sense and some of it doesn't.
Makes it harder because i know its not me that is having this huge anxiety thing going on, but i don't know who it is, and can only really speculate what its about. Am scared that we'll do/say something to friends and then they'll hate us. In asking friends about this anxiety, i/we're scared about being so paranoid that people are going to go away anyway because they'll get fed up of being asked if everything is ok...or if we've done something.
this world is hard to figure out sometimes. i imagine its a bit like what an alien would feel , coming in to a world where very little is the same as what once was . the place where we developed- its so different from this 'normal' world..
i love this world, that i won't deny, its much better here- but i don't know whats expected, or what To expect. i just can't find my feet. i don't know whats too much and whats too little. i dunno
probably none of this makes sense... it doesn't even make sense within us.
on the edge of throwing up all the time... f***ing f*** shaking and crying uncontrolably... wish i knew the flip why this was happening.. that i understood why/who this is about/from
becoming aware that i've been at that part of myself for much of the day again.. not comfy.. not proud
i dont want to play this f***ing game... new balls please sh*t sh*tty sh*t sh*t sh*t f*** f***y sh*t f*** AAAAAG!!
Hey Chris, you are so kind. i feel a connection with you too, i always look forward to reading your posts and seeing how you are.
Becci,
I feel the same, but with a mix of emotions, i just wish i knew who they belonged to and what they were about so i could try and help, or do something about it. It's so frustrating isn't it?
Kat,
I hope it goes well with the young psychologist, if he helps it'll definitely be well worth the money.
I hope it goes well with your friend and you have a good time, have you spoken with him/her about your difficulties?
Khadra and Kyle, hope you guys are ok.
Look after yourselves
I'm not sure how they are... i really hope they are OK. As for my T... i don't know what to do... I don't know whether she doesn't know what to do with me, or what....
We went to counsilling today. Did a lot of talking to the drugs worker. Was good. But then when we spoke to the social worker, we spoke about a friend with a personality disorder and he said "They sound pretty messed up. You're the better person, you don't have personality issues".
Didn't know wether to laugh or cry.
I don't know if anyone will know, but neither Khadrah or Chelle have ever been out for prolonged times before Tuesday [when Khadrah was out all but around 2 hours]. Does anyone expeirience extreme headaches? .. 'Cause we have one and it's really, REALLY painful. Like , never before expeirienced it.
