Well done for fighting the urges and keeping yourself from leaving. I’m glad you got some decent sleep.
Is there a checklist/protocol in place for deciding whether you need to be checked out for a head injury post-seizure? Glad your vibe is that it’s not that though!
Doing my best. Not sure I want to be safe but know going missing isn't the right thing either you know?
Just the usual head injury safety netting advice which we know pretty well by now. Although there is the fun is it the usual kind of neurological symptom I get from FND or different part. But yeah still awake and mostly with it and not getting any out of the ordinary symptoms.
Just got a load of mental health related letters in the post.
Neuropsychologist has said he will contact me on 31st October for a 'courtesy call' to discuss increas in physical FND symptoms and how to make use of strategies I learnt in therapy to help with these.
From it being a courtsey call rather than a full review, I infer I wouldn't be offered further therapy with neuropsychologist but I could be wrong.
Will still be good to talk to him and go back over coping strategies. Definitely need to remember to explain the whole hospital trauma being a major trigger thing. Maybe see about him referring me to his colleague about EDMR which we had discussed previously so that hospital (hopefully) can become less of a trigger. Because I can't really avoid hospital.
Also got discharge letter from Home Treatment Team seems accurate to what we discussed and mentions possibly increasing Olanzapine and about me telling an 'unseen being' (my voices) to shut up.
I am worried about the phrase at the end of the HTT letter that said 'not for core CMHT pathway at the current time' as worried that means my CMHT referral may have been cancelled?? I know they mentioned not knowing how having a CPN whi saw me very two weeks would help but I would appreciate a full assessment regarding CMHT and what if any help they could provide, I would appreciate having someone to check in on me (although didn't manage to express this during assessment but didn't think they would cancel assessment with CMHT).
Finally I got a copy of letter that First Response has sent to my GP regarding a call a few days ago when I had a tool and was going to cut but phoned before I did.
Glad that I have letters as that means GP should have them ahead of our call this afternoon around 5pm. So we can work out Olanzapine increase and also can get him to check what is going on with CMHT so shouldn't have to be anxious about it for too long.
All the letters have destabilised me a bit. Not sure what to do with myself and how to stay safe.
Last edited by long road : 17-10-2023 at 01:00 PM.
On hold to first response. Phoned to try not to self harm and then ended up self harming while waiting on hold as been on hold 20 minutes and 10 minutes or so in the urge too strong.
So yeah it all got too much and I broke. And while I feel guilty about it and like I have to hide it from my partner I mostly feel good about it and want to try and do it again. Which is not good.
Partne ris home, does know I am hold to somewhere. Doesn't know I have harmed. Doesn't know about blade.
I'm so sorry that happened. Do you need some treatment for your self harm? Do you think you could try and be honest with your partner as I think as well as venting to a helpline you also need some support from someone close to you.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Very minor self harm. Have cleaned and put on plaster.
Can't tell partner or he will never leave me on my own to do things and things do need to happen.
Hung up on first response and tried local charity crisis line just to talk to someone sooner but their number went to voicemail, so have called first response back and probably lost my place in the queue so it will take even longer. Why am I like this?
It's not fun being in a queue when you're feeling really desperate. I understand why you hung up to try somewhere else. I hope your call is answered soon.
What do you mean by things do need to happen?
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Of course, would there be no in between if he knew what you're going through? Like he'd support you but still respect that things have to be done and that you also have responsibility for yourself and you're doing your best?
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
He knows most of it, but there is a difference between him knowing I have thoughts and knowing I have acted on them. Like I know me hurting myself, and him knowing I did so would hurt him. And I can't deal with that right now, maybe it will come out in a day or two or maybe I wil keep it secret.
Spoke to someone at first response eventually. Told her about cutting and the tool. Took a while but she persuaded me to at least try taking it out of my pocket and putting it somewhere else. But then when checked pockets for tool it wasn't there, was still on phone and was panicking it was going to be somewhere partner would find it and accidentally cut himself, went and checked bathroom bin where I hid packaging from wound care stuff and I had accidentally thrown out with wound care stuff. At that point it was too dirty to consider using, so wrapped it up safely and have left it in the bin.
Panicking about having lost my tool though. And trying not to engage in the desperate brainstorming if what else I could use as a tool or where might partner have hidden the other blades.
Partner is just making me lunch and then I think we are going to sit together until GP calls.
I don't think trying to find another tool would be helpful in the long run but I know how it can feel huge in your mind. I hope you can settle with your partner and have a good chat with the GP.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Been sitting with partner while I watch you tube and he reads. Has helped a little bit does feel tricky that there is this secret between us. Just said he can go get on with things though, as want to try and rest a little bit. I think resting is what I am actually going to do as well.
First Response person said they would check about CMHT referral apparently I have nothing planned in the system but am still showing as open to services so haven't been discharged either. She asked if it was ok to say in her email checking in referral that I was worried it had been cancelled because of what home treatment team said and I said yes. And that I didn't know if what CMHT could offer would help but I wanted to at least discuss it properly in case there was something that could help, because my physical health is having a big impact but my mental health is the reason I am reacting the way I am. Not sure when I will hear about what happening with CMHT.
Hoping GP will helpful. He has been good in the past.
Also I found out the date of close family friend's funeral it's 30th October. I want to go but it's a 3.5 - 4 hour car journey back to where I grew up where funeral is. Plus I am not sure how asthma will be, and I have Covid and flu jab booked for 2 days before the funeral (which I don't want to cancel as need the protection considering how bad my asthma has been, plus it's the last Covid jab clinic my GP are doing)
But jabs might make me feel rough side effect wise so make travelling on Sunday 29th for funeral the day after hard. And with FND being worse and funerals being very emotional I didn't know if going might trigger FND symptoms.
If it was local I would go unless.I woke up feeling terrible the morning of. But in being 200 miles away and having to travel and having to stay with my parents who are also grieving and have stairs makes it more risky physically and harder to deal with mental side as won't have privacy/ would need to support my mum in her grief.
GP appointment done. He is upping Olanzapin for next 8 - 12 weeks and we will then review and try coming down if I am more stable.
Asked about if physical health being a bit better meant I was dealing better mentally and said although things had been a bit bette rphysiclaly I was still struggling quite a lot.
He said follow up wise seems I have the right things in the pipeline, with neuropsychology call, plan to ask neuropsychologist about EDMR and CMHT assessment. Said I am engaging well and reaching out like they would want me to.
I explained that was worried about if CMHT referral had been cancelled due to comment in HTT letter but that First Response checked and I hadn't been discharged from CMHT and that they were checking when I could expect assessment / that I wasn't going to be discharged for me. He seemed happy that still being on system menat I would get seen. I Will get him to go back to CMHT if turns out CMHT are discharging me, sound alike he would be willing to.
Seeing him in person on 3rd November (routine appointment I have had booked since end of September) and will check in again then.
Think olanzapine has helped a bit. I am groggy but it feels like it mostly me in my head, like there is something else there but it's very muffled and not getting them shouting at me to hurt myself. Will see though as the other day it was very quiet and that was just because of being so dissociated.
Feel unsettled but not like actively harming. Although even thinking about it for a little bit makes it tempting
I hope the olanzapine settles things more for you. It's good that you think it's helping a bit at least. Is there something addition you could do to help things more? Something safe, of course.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
They are there again now but still seem a little quieter and less insistent. Hopefully olanzapine helps more as time goes on this is only one day of higher dose. I am spaced out though and that definitely can't be all olanzapine as the sedative effects never lasted this long. So dissociation could partly be helping me in a weird way.
I am trying to go out during the day with my partner whenever I feel able to help me feel a little less trapped because I see places other than the flat. It does help a bit at least while I am out.
Could try and do some more grounding or add in a visualisation or mindfulness meditation. Had mostly swapped those for my respiratory physio exercises so that I fitted those in but I could probably try adding one of the above back in.
Groggynes was stil a thing this morning but was easier to push through and get up.
Lots of rage /distres this morning that I wanted to take out on myself / express by being self destructive. If I still had the blade I would have harmed properly. Was thinking of what else I could use to harm myself but nothing was as good as the blade I accidentally threw out so couldn't decide.
I scratched myself a little bit and then managed to channel the energy into productivity. First into making coffee and breakfast and doing morning routine and then I worked on my health passport template thing. Listened to some high energy music as well.
Then went out for lunch at garden centre. Now home and there is storm in my head of muffled voices and an urge to hurt myself to shut them up. But also very tired and Inna bit of pain so going to try and get a nap. Hopefully some rest will make the Strom easier to deal with.
