I dunno. If I'm thinking just about me then yes...but it's not just me. I need to be strong for everyone else. Plus I feel that if I go IP I'll never want to leave.
True but I need to be at home to keep things going and doing stuff everyday. I don't even see things will help. They kept asking today what I thought would help but I don't know...I've never had help before so I dunno whats meant to help.
We have some pictures of James and I can't stop looking at them...it upsets me but I feel like there's a part of me missing and thats my only connection.
I can't believe how different things are now...I was planning a future now my life is full of funeral arrangements, post mortem consent forms and memorial plaques.
I don't want to carry on.
Hun, you have to keep fighting in his memory.
Its hard, planning the funeral and it'll be harder attending but its something I think you need to do sweetheart.
Have you told them that? That you don't know how they can help? Ask them for sugggestions? <3
*hugs* i can't even imagine going through this, but i think i know you well enough to be able to say that i am certain that you will make it through. nobody knows how to deal with this ahead of time, everyone has to make it up as they go along when they lose a loved one, especially a baby.
the funeral arrangements might be easier if you give different people different aspects to take care of, so that you don't have to do it all.
this is my magical medicine cabinet. Left to right they contain: courage, hope, calmness, and strength.
The magical part: They NEVER run out, so borrow some any time you want.
Honestly, right now I'm struggling more than I've known before. I wanna believe that I need to keep going for his memory and all that but I'm sick of carrying on for other peoples memories...Tom, Ben, Tony, Kelly, Tash...all of them. You get sick of it for a while. Everything I have turns to dust. The only people I've truly loved and trusted gets ripped away from me. It's gets tiring after a while. I mean...seriously, there was a quote from TV about a longer life not being a happier one...that in the end you just get left alone - well, how the fuck can you move past that when you feel that way at 23?
I know I need to deal with the funeral and all that, but because of the post-mortem it's not gonna be for weeks.
I told them I didn't know how they can help and that I needed them to tell me what they can do...that was when they wanted to get home assessment team involved. I don't think they knew how to help either. I'm just losing the will to keep getting help; to keep going to appointments, or DBT, or taking my medication etc...they keep saying it's good I am still going but before I was determined to keep going and getting help but now I just can't see the point or how any of this is going to get any better.
I wanna believe I'll make it though; that I'm strong and all the stuff from my past shows I can make it through stuff but in actual fact it's wearing me down. I've got fewer and fewer resources to keep going.
All they kept saying today was that it's all my head making me blame myself and making me think it's all because of me but they don't understand...they don't get that it's not a choice...it's not like I actively sit there and think 'This must be my fault in some way...I will find out how'. No, instead it's like it's ingrained in my head. I try not to think that way but it's like a default setting. They think it's so easy to just stop thinking that way. Since I was seven I've been told people's deaths are my fault so in the end you believe it. You're told you're worthless enough it becomes real. I should have protected James. I should have done things right. If I'd kept my diabetes on track more than I did...I got my results from far too high to perfect range in three months but it should have been quicker. If I'd made sure I'd taken the tablets that I needed to sooner...if I'd realised I was pregnant sooner...it all could have been different. They said it might not have been...they said I did amazingly...they said it could just be a genetic accident...but my head keeps screaming at me that it's my fault. I've brought this sadness onto Adam and his family...onto my family. It's me and nothing can convince me otherwise.
I wanna know how many more times I have to sign consent forms and plan funerals and stuff. I have been through this so many times. I was there when Tom's parents had to sign the consent forms. I helped organise the funeral. The same with Dan and Matt and Tony and Kelly...I've had enough. I have been to church more times for funerals than any other time.
When the fuck is life meant to make up for all this crap?
Blah. Sorry. Woeful and all this bollocks. I just can't bring myself to be positive right now.
It's nothing I haven't heard before. Call crisis. Call CPN. Carry on with DBT. Blah blah blah. Don't drink alcohol. Just because I've been suicidal before doesn't mean I have to try again. I'm really losing the motivation to keep trying with all this bollocks. It's all up to me in the end...I have to keep myself safe when things get bad. It's all in my head so there's only so much they can do. Why even keep telling them the truth?
I been reading your thread and never know what to put. I'm thinking of you through this hard time and hope you get the support you need to pull you through. *hugs* x x
The past is where you learned the lesson. The future is where you apply the lesson. DON'T GIVE UP IN THE MIDDLE x x
Thank you all <3
DBT today was pointless. Brain is useless. I really can't do this. Nothing makes sense and nothing is helping. My heads getting worse and worse. I don't even know who I can call because I'm being passed from perinatal team back to original psych team but I dunno who's gonna be my case workers.
I just wanna give up and hide. Thoughts and shouting in my brain is too loud. The drums are getting faster which always means trouble.
I'm not strong enough to do this. I've used all my strength to live this long. There's none left.
My brain is screaming at me...take all the meds...take all your injections...jump off the bridge...crash your car...push them all away....
I can't keep my head above water this time. It's all gonna end and soon. I'm the biggest bitch in the world for even contemplating doing this when Adam's already lost James...now he's gonna have to lose me too.
I need help but I don't even know who's on my care team so I don't know who I can call. Crisis will take me to hospital and they'll make me go IP.
Why is everyone ripped away from me? Everyone keeps saying that I can get through this but they don't know me. They don't know how each loss is tearing me apart. How each one weakens me and I don't have anything left to give.
Sorry I haven't replied lately, haven't been on ryl for awhile. You're not anything bad. You're hurting and struggling. If you need help hun, tell whoever you can. Adam, crisis team, call someone on a care team you have the number for and they can redirect you if needed...anyone. People keep saying you can get through this because...no matter how much a person is hurting, what they've been through, what situation they're in now...there's always the possibility of making it through, of life becoming better. Even if you don't believe it right now, try countering bad thoughts about yourself. When your head says you're bad, say you're not. I know its hard, I've been/am there. Believing bad things about ourselves does no good and a lot of bad. <3
Every day the world is made a chance to change but i feel the same.
And I wonder why would i wait till i die to come alive?"
All alone the way she feels
Left alone to deal with all the pain-drenched sorrow relief
Thank you Anna <3 I'm trying to do those things...the counteracting the thoughts and stuff. Also I tried calling crisis last night but I couldn't say anything to them...I just stayed quiet and then hung up after a couple of minutes. I couldn't bring myself to explain things...or tell them how close I was last night. I didn't have the words to say it.
Things are still pretty bad today. I'm trying to keep going. I'm trying to believe that there's going to be something that is going to give me the strength to get through it all. The past is just haunting me...the memories and voices and flashbacks and everything on top of losing James. I want to stop all this...to force myself to keep fighting and to stop the urges but I can't. I don't know how to...if I did I would have done it in the last eleven years. I would have fixed myself way before this.
I can't believe people when they say I'm a good person...I'm not. I'm evil and horrible and terrible and so much more. I poison every life I come into contact with...I poisoned Ben's and Tom's and Georgie's and Dan's and Matt's and Tony's and Kelly's and Tash's and now James'. If Adam had never have met me him and his family wouldn't be going through this grief. He'd still be happy and wouldn't have known what it felt like to lose someone so close to him. He wouldn't be worried that as soon as he goes back to work he's going to lose me...that as soon as I'm left alone I'm going to end it all. He wouldn't have to watch what he says/does so he doesn't trigger flashbacks and nightmares. Everyone would have been so much happier if I'd have done away with myself a long fucking time ago.
You're not supposed to bury you're children...they're supposed to bury you...
It's all getting worse as the days go by. It's like the first couple of days I didn't believe it...and now it's sinking in more and more making it harder and harder to keep going. I wake up every morning and for the first few seconds I don't remember...then it hits me again like a brick to the face. It takes my breath away and feels like a knife in my chest. I literally feel like my world crumbles every time it happens.
I can't face talking to the professionals...not now. I don't know what to say to any of them. I don't know how to try to explain the hollow, empty, hopeless feeling inside me. I literally feel like I'm made out of puzzle pieces and someone's taken the centre piece.
My brother messaged me last night; the one I'm not close to and the one who used to abuse me...he is very understanding and he was trying to make me feel better about Ben's death...but I just can't see it. He was saying that he wasn't taken from us...that it was his choice but even so...he's still gone. He also said that life isn't fair; the example he used was our father - he's a good person who's only ever done anything he could to make our lives better...no matter what he had to compromise himself...yet he's trapped inside a body which is destroying itself and he can barely move/talk/eat...anything. I can get that...I can comprehend that life isn't fair...that's fine...I just don't see why it has to be THIS unfair. There are people on this planet who lie and steal and kill and hurt others and who do everything in their life just for themselves and yet they leave untouched...then there are good, honest people who's worlds get torn to pieces. It's like punishment for living the 'right' or 'good' way.
I just don't want to keep living through more emotional and physical pain.
I can't call them...tried but can't explain.
Don't wanna be taken to hospital...can't anyway cuz at Adam's parents in little village and will be too much commotion.
If tell them how much SH'd will be taken to hospital.
Trapped in own head by own stupidity. I can't find any strength. Not now.
