oh and also odd thing, i may have had a bit of a binge last night and im sure i took a handful of laxatives but nothings happened :/ sorry slightly OT just i just remembered
I feel drained tonight just from having to go to 3 appointments, pathetic. I suppose I was running on adrenaline to an extent due to anxiety. I can't even pretend to summon the energy and tomorrow is my TC - argh.
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
Multiple appointments can be really draining Carrie, I feel for you. Right now my Thursdays (supposed day off) I see my mentor, counsellor and uni MH advisor. I find those 3 hours as draining if not more so than 9-5 days of lectures & labs.
Wake me up before I change again
Remind me the story that I won't get insane
Tell me why it's always the same
Explain me the reason why I'm so much in pain.
hey guys.
sorry i wasnt about yesterday how are you all ?
things with me are not good.. im getting more and more unstable.. its weird because i dont know why.
but im seeing my mental health advisor today in 2 hours time.. so im hoping i can talk about it
A tyrant spell has bound me And I cannot, cannot go
-
Emily Bronte
Mari, what you said on the other page made a lot of sense, thank you. I will try and hold it with me. Your tattoo sounds beautiful.
Carrie, I hope today was okay, whether you made it to the TC or not. You won't be on JSA forever but I realise things are very frustrating right now. Give yourself time. You will get there but realistically it might take longer than you were hoping for.
rock, that does sound like an intensive day. I'm glad you have someone to talk to and hopefully reduce the intensity of the obsessive suicidal thoughts.
ferretmonster, thank you for your understanding the other night :) well done for getting yourself an appointment with a new GP, that step is usually one of the hardest.
Sarah, how come no support until after Christmas? That's rubbish :(
Carrie, I have been talking about what's going on with my team. They are considering having a meeting together to decide if they can do anything further to help. I feel like I've reached the end of the line, though. I could carry on beyond New Year... but it seems like I've chosen not to.
Laura, I really hope you choose to stay beyond the new year. You are such a wise person and make a huge contribution and support so many people that from a selfish point of view we would want you to stick around.
I've been at my TC today, really mixed day some of which was difficult. As always, my head is in a tizzy. I feel so flat and really want to get wasted. I made the decision when I went into the Co-Op when I got off the bus just before not to get any alcohol. I even bought some lovely looking sparkling elderflower drink as a substitute but now I wish I had bought something. I want to feel something other than ****. I even admitted today that last week's drinking was because I yearned for a bit of chaos to replace the mundane - I'm sick and twisted.
I know I shouldn't drink tonight but I'm not sure if it will stay like that. I suppose one thing against it is that it is pissing down out there.
I've made a week without cutting - didn't seem too hard not to though and probably just because I have been feeling too flat.
I've also decided, after talking to the group to register for an OU short course in archaeology - I can take it over 4 instead of 2 months so it would "just" require 5 hours of study a week. It will cost me £150 but I recently got a refund after not being able to complete a maths course earlier in the year due to hospital etc. The group reckon it would be a good idea to put something back into my life to help perhaps spark something.
Anyway, I didn't mean to rant quite that much but it feels better getting it out.
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
Sorry to be a post whore. Yesterday, my SW suggested trying volunteering somewhere a few hours a week such as Mind or the women's centre so that I can still use my legal skills etc. I asked my employer and they are happy to allow me to do so as a way to help me get well enough to work.
I've done something stupid! I emailed the local Mind group and explained that I was looking for an opportunity to volunteer and forwarded a shortened form of my cv. I feel like a fool. I'm probably going to be told to piss off or be rejected. Fancy being rejected when offering to do some work for free. Argh.
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
I dont think its stupid, lots of these groups need volunteers to help them, so i doubt you would get rejected. The worst that can happen is that they have enought people at the moment and dont need anyone, but i doubt that will happen. Plus with your skills they would be crazy to turn you down.
Well done for not cutting for a week, and i hope you do enrol on the course, because it can give you something to focus on.
laura - Ive done the same mnay times before, giving up, saying i wont get passed a certain date, but it always passes, you may feel like that now but in some times to come you may feel differently
"Its not how long a star shines, what is remembered is the brightness of the light"
Im not feeling great today, i feel gross. I think i have ringworm - sounds grosser than it is, ive gotten red curcular rashes on my chest and its just came out of nowhere, i had one but i thought it was nothing but now i have a few of them, and its grossing me out.
Well i have doc on friday anyway, i have to be carful though incase its not that and its something else, my medication can cause something really rare and bad (more chance of me getting it tho because my mums had it 3 times), so with any rash i was told to get it seen to asap.
"Its not how long a star shines, what is remembered is the brightness of the light"
Thanks hun. I just doubt everything at the moment however, as you say, it might be that they have enough people and that it isn't a rejection. I need to remind myself.
Have you started your piano lessons yet?
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
Carrie, MIND are really keen on service users/patients being involved with running the charity. In fact, that is how MIND exists; only few of the staff are trained and paid, many are in fact ill themselves. I imagine they'll be really keen to learn about all you have to offer. Thank you for saying what you did about wanting me around :) I often wonder if people do.
Mari, you're right. I imagine there's some positivity than my "date" is quite far away. It gives me chance to rethink. I'm trying to work through it with people at the moment. The ringworm sounds miserable :( is there any way you could get to the doctor before Friday in case it's something serious like the medication?
btw, I know it sounds gross but I had a patch of it on my upper arm a couple of summers ago and it went away really easily with a cream from the pharmacist and I haven't had any other episodes of it.
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
Not really, i can only see certain doctors there because tbh the rest are complete pricks and not very nice, but most of the nice ones are off this week, hence why friday. Im pretty sure it is by looking at pictures, but i have to be safe rather than sorry hence why i need to see doc than getting cream. However i am NOT showing him my chest lol, hes going to have look round the bra ha ha. I dont know how i got it tho at all, better not be from the dog
Oh and of course people want you around :P
I start lessons on saturday, need to go buy manuscript paper. Kinda nervous though, going to a strangers house and all that.
"Its not how long a star shines, what is remembered is the brightness of the light"
Volunteering at mind sounds like a brilliant idea hun. not stupid at all
ive got no support because my last session with my therapist is thursday and i saw the mental health advisor today and she said i probably wont get set up with any therapy untill after christmas.
its ridiculous
A tyrant spell has bound me And I cannot, cannot go
-
Emily Bronte
Do you have a dr/gp that you could see in the meantime or perhaps your gp surgery has a counsellor, sometimes they do?
Things have been really tense between my housemate and I due to an episode when I drank too much last week. However, tonight things seem a little easier and she let me share the sausage casserole she made for dinner :)
I'm not going to drink tonight :)
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
carrie i just want to back up what everyone said, even if they do have enough people as u said its not rejection but im sure either way they will be very glad for your offer, good luck i think its a great step.
no problem whirlpool hope your feeling better
good luck with the piano lessons mari and remember just enjoy it!
im a bit scared of the new gp i have no idea what to expect especially as hes told my mum he thinks my previous care has been pants and the fact that although over the past week or so ive done the odd naughty thing ive mostly been ok, so kind of feels like im wasting time going.
