*hugs MID back* Thanks. Yeah, I love that scene. The first time I ever saw Labyrinth I came into it at that scene. Admittedly nothing made sense, but it intrigued me enough that I found it and watched it (the movie) the whole way through. Few movie scenes are good enough to make me do that.
She shouts, she screams, she smashes your dreams . . .
Would you mind if I killed you? Would you mind if I tried to?
'Cause you have turned into my worst enemy,
You carry hate that I don't feel: It's over now WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
* Proud Plumeria Sister * My Support Thread * I got lei'd in vets *
* My RYL Family: big brother Doikers; little sisters MammaMia & flutterby butterfly *
On Wednesday night my housemate and I had our friend over for a movie night. My housemate was in severe pain and accidentally almost put himself into an overdose situation. He took two painkillers just slightly too close together. If it had been an hour later (that he took the second one) it would have been fine. As it was he ended up vomiting and having some "strange" effects, but it settled quickly.
We watched a movie: Austin Powers The Spy Who Shagged Me I think it was. And I finally managed to crash out to sleep at 4am.
I woke in a total panic at 9am when my appointment alert alarm went off. I got myself all ready for a GP appointment at 10. And my new computer monitor arrived at 9:30. I wasn't able to get too excited about it then however as I was freaking out because the Courtesy bus that was supposed to take me to the doctors surgery hadn't arrived.
I rang the surgery and they said the bus would be there shortly. The bus (so I found out later) had broken down in Condon. The driver had been unable to call back to base because the Telstra line was down, and so was running about an hour late. He picked up me and two other people.
The GP was good though. I explained what was going on to him, especially with regards to my long-term sleep issues and I'm seeing him on Sunday just to work on the sleep issue. He thinks it's an anxiety issue. I told him that I didn't feel anxious and that there were no anxiety-like symptoms, but I guess I'll see where he takes me.
Anyway I got to play around with the monitor (and computer) when I got home and it works really well. The refresh rate is incredibly fast which makes for great clarity.
We watched Shrek The Third last night. It was brilliant. We've decided that my second monitor is going to be the same, and my housemate has decided that his two new monitors will be the same as this one as well. I still have to spend $200.00 on a new desk, when I have the money of course.
So the money continues to flow outwards. Let us hope that enough flows inwards to allow us to move. We are going to be flat-hunting from up here and are going to try and secure a place before we leave here, and then drive a truck down filled with all our stuff. That would be over $1,800.00 cheaper than hiring a removals company to move us. And would also save us money in storage, accommodation while looking for somewhere to live etc.
All in all just another day in the lie. I just wish that my mood would improve. I'm so sick and tired of being depressed and fighting SI and suicidal urges, thoughts and so forth. Is there ever an easy way out?
She shouts, she screams, she smashes your dreams . . .
Would you mind if I killed you? Would you mind if I tried to?
'Cause you have turned into my worst enemy,
You carry hate that I don't feel: It's over now WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
* Proud Plumeria Sister * My Support Thread * I got lei'd in vets *
* My RYL Family: big brother Doikers; little sisters MammaMia & flutterby butterfly *
The monitor has an inbuilt Power Save function that I can't seem to turn off. I've tried every trick I can think of. I've read the user manual - and it doesn't even mention it. I've searched online. I've tried it in both of my Operating Systems - making sure they were set to Display Sleep mode equals Never. It stills shuts off at exactly 10 minutes unless I'm watching a movie. I've logged the issue with the manufacturer. It isn't a problem with my computer's settings as my housemate set his settings exactly the same and his monitor didn't switch to Sleep/Power Save. Meh.
But the other thing ...
The suicidal ideation/thoughts/urges are increasing. I now have a plan. And not only do I have a plan but I've been making it more concrete by solving the how/what/where/when issues. I know what I need to get and where I need to get it from and so forth.
I told my housemate this morning that the suicidal thoughts were thee, but I didn't tell him the level they were at. I don't know if that was because I didn't want to scare him or because I didn't want him to stop me. I don't even know if that makes sense.
I don't even know if I have the courage to go through with it. Things just seem to be getting blacker. The world seems to be losing it's colour and it's texture. It's kind of like there has been a smoke-screen placed in front of me. I don't really get pleasure out of anything - not even the activities that used to bring me pleasure. It takes so much energy just to do the simplest tasks, like getting out of bed, or reading my email.
I don't know .......... I just don't know.
On one hand, I want to stick around. I want to move to Brisbane. I want to have a child. I want to go to university at a real university like QUT. I want to have a job.
On the other hand there is this voice telling me that none of these things is ever going to happen. That I will fail dismally and just end up a useless piece of junk, discarded by the human race.
*sigh*
She shouts, she screams, she smashes your dreams . . .
Would you mind if I killed you? Would you mind if I tried to?
'Cause you have turned into my worst enemy,
You carry hate that I don't feel: It's over now WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
* Proud Plumeria Sister * My Support Thread * I got lei'd in vets *
* My RYL Family: big brother Doikers; little sisters MammaMia & flutterby butterfly *
I am glad that you got the monitor finally. Not good about the sleep mode. Hope you find a way of fixing it. You will get there just hold on. I know in my heart that you will succeed.
The monitor is still an issue. Issue raised with the manufacturer and awaiting reply from them.
My housemate and I had a "chat" and we're trying to work something out regarding my suicide issues. It's a bit of a unique situation because hospital is not an option and I don't have any crisis lines to call on. We'll get there, we just don't know how.
Am going to send an email to my psychiatrist about trying to reduce the number of tablets I take. At night I take 8 tablets of psych meds plus my pain meds. Considering I don't believe the lithium has been working for the last five months I'd like to stop taking it, thereby reducing my intake quite drastically. The psychiatrist seems to be intent on me staying on it. I'm hoping that by pointing out to him that if I just keep getting more and more meds i'm likely to just stop taking everything - as has happened before. There's a certain level you can continue to take month in and month out before you crack.
I don't know, he's a good doctor but he doesn't seem to be able to grasp that this medication really isn't working. *sigh*
Anyway, still kicking, and still somehow holding onto the string.
She shouts, she screams, she smashes your dreams . . .
Would you mind if I killed you? Would you mind if I tried to?
'Cause you have turned into my worst enemy,
You carry hate that I don't feel: It's over now WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
* Proud Plumeria Sister * My Support Thread * I got lei'd in vets *
* My RYL Family: big brother Doikers; little sisters MammaMia & flutterby butterfly *
Bugger. Maybe if you collaberated a moood chart or somthing so you can say see don't need more but change, Maybe. Dunno. What to really say other than that.
Firstly, monitor is fixed. I managed to make it work on my Linux partition and somehow it carried over to the Windows Vista side. No idea how the last part worked, but just keeping the fingers crossed that it doesn't decide to stop working.
Secondly, my GP has put me on sleeping tablets. A really old type of one. They work on most people but I'm not sure they will work on me. Basically because I can take an entire packet of Stillnox and still not sleep more than an hour. But I'll take them and see.
Things are still pretty much going as they have been going. My friend whose daughter (my god-daughter) destroyed my old computer monitor came over with the kids today. She still hasn't come through with any money on that which is making it hard on us. We had to come up with money that we didn't have, to fix something that wasn't our fault . . . when she had a four-figure amount sitting in the bank but had "no money". And she has told us she would give us money towards it - mind you, she said that about the meal at Adelfia in Cairns, and that hasn't come through yet either.
*sigh* Life goes on as it sometimes will, and the road you are travelling seems all up hill . . .
I wish I could get off this road.
She shouts, she screams, she smashes your dreams . . .
Would you mind if I killed you? Would you mind if I tried to?
'Cause you have turned into my worst enemy,
You carry hate that I don't feel: It's over now WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
* Proud Plumeria Sister * My Support Thread * I got lei'd in vets *
* My RYL Family: big brother Doikers; little sisters MammaMia & flutterby butterfly *
*hugs* I've got nothing helpful, luv, I'm sorry (my brain is not working so well, lol). But I did want to stop by and leave some hugs.
*massive hugs*
There. Mission accomplished.
I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I'm out of control, and at times hard to handle, but if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.
~ Marilyn Monroe
*hugs MID and Ally*
MID: Thanks for the hugs and the thoughts.
Ally: Hey, thanks. It means a lot that you have read and taken the time to reply. And by the way, I like the quote in your signature.
My mother came around today. It's the first time she's seen the unit. Most of her talk was around my siblings (who are 6+ years older than me) and the Eisteddfod. Not really that surprising. It was still nice to see her, even though sometimes her conversations were difficult to follow.
At one point we were talking about a request I'd made to her like six months ago or more, about buying me a unit that I could rent off them. She said that my brother had asked about a similar thing and that I had made a request first so had a higher priority. So today she asked me whether I still wanted one. A unit up here is not really necessary for me now as I'm looking at moving to Brisbane in the next 12 months, but when I said "why don't you get one for [my brother] and me and my housemate could rent it until we leave?". She replied with "But you'd need a two bedroom and he'd need a three bedroom." I was thinking to myself that I might have lost the plot there, but when I talked the conversation through with my housemate later, he had the same issues I had ie. what is the problem with getting a three bedroom and us moving in there and renting it and just cleaning out the unused bedroom . . .
I think my parents are more insane than I am.
The sleeping pill was okay last night. I did manage to get some sleep and I haven't felt all that groggy. I take another tablet tonight, then two tablets the two nights after that.
My mood is kind of bleh ... Still high on the dangerous thoughts and urges. I really just want the world to stop so that I can get off the damn thing. Anyone got an emergency escape button?
She shouts, she screams, she smashes your dreams . . .
Would you mind if I killed you? Would you mind if I tried to?
'Cause you have turned into my worst enemy,
You carry hate that I don't feel: It's over now WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
* Proud Plumeria Sister * My Support Thread * I got lei'd in vets *
* My RYL Family: big brother Doikers; little sisters MammaMia & flutterby butterfly *
Feeling a bit uneasy at the moment. We're coming up to an .... anniversary I guess you'd call it. The anniversary of the day I had to make the decision to put my "baby girl" down.
Heidi, my miniature schnauzer, was bought for me in 1998 because I'd had a really hard time dealing with the passing of our previous dog in 1996.
Biscuit was a part of our family for most of my life. My family got her when I was six months old. When I was a toddler, we lived in a place that had no front fencing, so biscuit used to keep me away from the road. Anyway, I came home from school one day in 1996 and she walked towards me and it was obvious she was in severe pain - she was also walking with her head on one side. I didn't even go in the house for two hours - until someone else was home - because I didn't want to leave her. It turned out that she had had a stroke. She had a couple more and was put down the next day. I never got to say goodbye to her.
I had a hard time dealing with it, not so much because she died, but because I didn't get to say goodbye.
Anyway, back to Heidi. She was three when we got her. My parents got her from the RSPCA. We went out there one weekend and they took me around all the dogs. I narrowed it down to Heidi and a cattle dog. I went into the pen with Heids and sat down and she walked over and put her head on my lap. She won my heart right then and there.
We had a lot of worries with Heids. To start with she was 1/3 of her weight over weight - partly added to by the fact that the staff at the RSPCA gave her as much food as they gave the Doberman in the pen next door. She also developed bladder stones (like kidney stones but in the bladder). Then with age came the arthritis and the cataracts. *sigh*
I wish I'd gotten to spend more time with her.
I can remember times though when I was in the psych hospital that my parents would bring her up to see me. The old psych ward had a lovely garden at the back and I used to spend a couple of hours with her in the afternoon, and when the ward was moved but before they'd erected the fence she still came up to visit me.
I was really hoping that she would go quietly in her sleep. I guess that all pet owners and pet lovers hope that. But it wasn't too be. That last day she wouldn't put her front R paw on the ground. We moved it and she didn't seem to be in any pain, but she would have had no quality of life. If she can't put her paw to the ground, then she can't stand up. If she can't stand up then she can't go to the toilet . . .
I know I did the right thing . . . but it still hurts. I really wish things had been different and that she was still here. I know she went peacefully - I know that because I was holding her as she went. But . . .
I really just miss my baby girl. . .
She shouts, she screams, she smashes your dreams . . .
Would you mind if I killed you? Would you mind if I tried to?
'Cause you have turned into my worst enemy,
You carry hate that I don't feel: It's over now WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
* Proud Plumeria Sister * My Support Thread * I got lei'd in vets *
* My RYL Family: big brother Doikers; little sisters MammaMia & flutterby butterfly *
MID: *hugs back* No, sadly. I don't have any electronic pictures of her either. Mum and dad gave me the Miniature Schnauzer book and I have her blanket that I crocheted for her. I'm also getting her jumpers. I have some photos here, but not an awful lot. Oh, and I have her collar. Every now and then when I really miss her, you can find me sitting there with her collar around my ankle. My housemate knows what is going on with that and is very supportive ... thankfully.
She shouts, she screams, she smashes your dreams . . .
Would you mind if I killed you? Would you mind if I tried to?
'Cause you have turned into my worst enemy,
You carry hate that I don't feel: It's over now WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
* Proud Plumeria Sister * My Support Thread * I got lei'd in vets *
* My RYL Family: big brother Doikers; little sisters MammaMia & flutterby butterfly *
My mourning for Heidi: If I refuse to take the collar off my ankle before leaving the house then help gets called and I'm not allowed to leave the house
And my weight loss: If I lose too much, or look like I have, he will "take steps"
Our psych ward has made the front page of the local newspaper again. Some of our local universities 3rd year Nursing Students have made complaints about bullying by staff, and made comment that patients were being mistreated by staff. The university has removed all its students from that area of the hospital. Just one more in a long line of complaints against this psych ward. I wonder when the powers that be will actually act on all these things and actually work towards the public good? In this town? Probably never. . .
*big sigh*
She shouts, she screams, she smashes your dreams . . .
Would you mind if I killed you? Would you mind if I tried to?
'Cause you have turned into my worst enemy,
You carry hate that I don't feel: It's over now WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
* Proud Plumeria Sister * My Support Thread * I got lei'd in vets *
* My RYL Family: big brother Doikers; little sisters MammaMia & flutterby butterfly *
I'm not in a place today to offer any words of comfort or wisdom, but I felt it important to let you know that I've read the latest and you're in my thoughts. *huggles*
"All battles in life serve to teach us something, even the battles we lose"
"There are moments in life when the only possible option is to lose control"
*hugs Kat & Hayley* - Thank-you both. It means a lot to me that you have read, and taken the time to respond. It means a lot to know that I'm not on my own and that other people care.
I mentioned the interesting article in the paper regarding our local psych hospital. Today there was a follow-up article where the hospital was strongly denying everything that they had admitted in the article the day before.
This kind of attitude is the whole way through the system. It's like if they do happen to admit that they do something wrong, they can deny it the next day with an aggressive defensive attitude and everyone will forget about what had happened.
You can bet that everything will be hidden from sight. It'll be just another Governmental cover up. It always amazes me that a Government that is completely and totally inept in every other department is so damn good at covering up all of their mistakes. I just hope that the families of the people they have killed get some sort of recompense.
She shouts, she screams, she smashes your dreams . . .
Would you mind if I killed you? Would you mind if I tried to?
'Cause you have turned into my worst enemy,
You carry hate that I don't feel: It's over now WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
* Proud Plumeria Sister * My Support Thread * I got lei'd in vets *
* My RYL Family: big brother Doikers; little sisters MammaMia & flutterby butterfly *
