Pardon me, I just need to have a minor explosion in the corner and then leave...
I am so damn happy. I'm tired and looking forward to sleep but I can't because I want to run around outside pretending to be some sort of superhero instead, and it's really difficult to stop myself. Eight hours ago I wanted to curl up and die, four hours ago I was pacing around talking with voices telling me things and seeing non-existent blood on my floor, and now I'm just about ready to take on the universe and am almost convinced that if I open my door I'll be emperor of the world in two days flat. I'm desperate to calm dwn and go to bed just because if I go anywhere I risk trying to shag the first person I meet just because I feel like I can, and that'll be frightening for both of us because that is not like me at all. I'm not sure if it was better yesterday when I felt so down that I curled up still and didn't so much as twitch for about two hours. At least self harm or miserableness or whatever is something I know how to deal with. I feel like my chest is going to explode with excitement at nothing at all. I have to tell someone how good I am. But I don't want to because then they'll think I'm a fruitcake. Right I'd better go and lie down and force myself not to move even if it makes my eyes water. Thanks.
Having a rough morning after an unsafe overnight :(
*hides in the corner*
~Matt~
Susanna Kaysen: I'm ambivalent. In fact that's my new favorite word.
Dr. Sonia Wick: Do you know what that means, ambivalence?
Susanna Kaysen: I don't care.
Dr. Sonia Wick: If it's your favorite word, I would've thought you would...
Susanna Kaysen: It *means* I don't care. That's what it means.
Unsafe so I did bad things... sigh... this isn't a good week for me either coming up
~Matt~
Susanna Kaysen: I'm ambivalent. In fact that's my new favorite word.
Dr. Sonia Wick: Do you know what that means, ambivalence?
Susanna Kaysen: I don't care.
Dr. Sonia Wick: If it's your favorite word, I would've thought you would...
Susanna Kaysen: It *means* I don't care. That's what it means.
trouble with financial. payment demand notice of debt collection. just cause they post people didnt manage to deliver in time.
i always take good care of my bills. 1 time i had someone cleaning and they got thrown away by mistake cause the envelopes looked empty since i just open them without any letter opener.
2 big days coming up. 2 year aniversary with gf and valentines day. so tired cant sleep during nights.
i just "haaaave to" sit with the computer. even if it staring into the screen or just fidling around with solitaire. getting fiber soon 50\50 mbit
listening to enigma atm. it calms me down...
Major Depression | Asperger's Syndrome | Anxiety NOS | Hints of OCD
Close your eyes. Don't you cry. Love's around you. In time, you'll fly. Don't you worry about the dark. I will light up the night with the love in my heart. I will burn like the sun that will keep you safe and warm. Like the smell of a rose on a summer's day, I will be there to take all your fears away. With the touch of my hand, I will turn your life to GOLD!
I am going to hide in here before it gets even worse. I am tired of the betrayals, the lies. They were right once again. Sigh... I just want to go someplace and disappear forever so I don't have to hurt myself over and over
~Matt~
Susanna Kaysen: I'm ambivalent. In fact that's my new favorite word.
Dr. Sonia Wick: Do you know what that means, ambivalence?
Susanna Kaysen: I don't care.
Dr. Sonia Wick: If it's your favorite word, I would've thought you would...
Susanna Kaysen: It *means* I don't care. That's what it means.
I dunno if I'm coping or just bottling it up... Scared I'm bottling it up... Bad things happen when I do...
Major Depression | Asperger's Syndrome | Anxiety NOS | Hints of OCD
Close your eyes. Don't you cry. Love's around you. In time, you'll fly. Don't you worry about the dark. I will light up the night with the love in my heart. I will burn like the sun that will keep you safe and warm. Like the smell of a rose on a summer's day, I will be there to take all your fears away. With the touch of my hand, I will turn your life to GOLD!
I've been pushing current events away from me but now need to come full circle and allow myself to feel. Here I can be safe and let both my feelings and my inners show. And yet, I can't. Right now I'm just going to curl up in the corner with my blankets and pillows and allow the tears to fall.
She shouts, she screams, she smashes your dreams . . .
Would you mind if I killed you? Would you mind if I tried to?
'Cause you have turned into my worst enemy,
You carry hate that I don't feel: It's over now WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
* Proud Plumeria Sister * My Support Thread * I got lei'd in vets *
* My RYL Family: big brother Doikers; little sisters MammaMia & flutterby butterfly *
Depression is almost physically painful. I can't actually feel anything, but I can barely function for the need to curl up wimpering on the floor or hunch up gasping as though I've been stabbed. I'd give anything to be able to cry right now.
I was pacing around talking with voices telling me things and seeing non-existent blood on my floor ... At least self harm or miserableness or whatever is something I know how to deal with.
And I'd give anything to know how I felt on this day. Because now I'm here, I don't know what to do. I'm all alone, and the only blood on my carpet is real.
Housemate had a bad night and locked himself out, came home a little while ago, snapped at me, and ...hurt... himself after I went upstairs. We've just had a long chat and I've cleaned him up, but I don't know what to do now?
There's a hand;
Reaching into the darkness,
Pulling me back towards ethereal white.
Did we know this?
That we would be each others...
Never-ending light?
Just got back from another two week stint in hospital. Now I just want to curl up into a tight ball and cry myself to sleep.
*curls up in the corner with my teddy bear*
She shouts, she screams, she smashes your dreams . . .
Would you mind if I killed you? Would you mind if I tried to?
'Cause you have turned into my worst enemy,
You carry hate that I don't feel: It's over now WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
* Proud Plumeria Sister * My Support Thread * I got lei'd in vets *
* My RYL Family: big brother Doikers; little sisters MammaMia & flutterby butterfly *
Hanging on in quiet desperation is the english way (Pink Floyd)
