*cuddles lots*
You come first hun, always.
You know where I am if you need me. <3
Love you xxx
"People have abused you lots in the past? Why do you then abuse yourself more?" - Quote
Sometimes I feel like I'm alone, Sometimes I feel like I'm not that strong, Sometimes I feel nothing at all, Sometimes I feel vulnerable, Sometimes I feel a little fragile
Wow, sorry it's been so long. :) But my writer's block was lifted for a short while :P
Chapter Twenty
A few days passed in the unit and I felt in no way ready for recovery. I dragged myself out of bed every morning for breakfast because I had to. Because of my eating disorder, I had a member of staff sit next to me at the table every day after I was weighed to measure out all of my food and make sure I ate it in an allotted time period. I was in her company for two hours afterwards as well so I didn’t go to the bathroom. Her name was Anita and she tried to make conversation with me, but the only person in the world I wanted to talk to was Naomi and it was impossible to know if I would ever be able to talk to her again.
After a few weeks with the same self-destructive habits still in place and the staff growing ever more concerned with my behaviour, they put me on constant watch which Anita volunteered to do, making sure she was with me every second of every day, except at night, when another member of staff who was on night shift would sit in my doorway and keep watch. I became ever more secluded in my own little world and felt more alone than ever, despite the constant torture of knowing every move I made, even just a twitch, was being watched and noted down for future reference.
“I wish you could accept the help we’re offering,” Anita sighed one evening.
I looked up from the book I was reading and raised an eyebrow in confusion at the sudden break of silence. The tension rose slightly as she waited for my response and I searched my brain for an answer she wanted to hear. Before I could find one, she spoke again. “It’s as if part of you doesn’t want to leave.”
This sentence froze me. The thought of the outside world terrified me to my very soul, whereas inside the clinic, it was safe. The only prying eyes were those of concern and worry from the staff, willing me to get better. I preferred the bubble of safety I had become accustomed to and felt better wrapped in the cotton wool the staff had provided for all of the patients. Outside the clinic, the cotton wool would be ripped from me and the bubble would be burst, letting more pain and anguish into my life, which had put me here in the first place. No. I didn’t want to leave. Not yet.
“It’s safe,” I croaked.
Anita shuffled in her chair to lean forward slightly, waiting for me to elaborate. I didn’t, so she asked me what it was outside that felt unsafe to me. The words got caught in my throat and I quickly retreated back to my book. For the next few minutes, Anita didn’t move from the position she had been in. As she leaned back, a single word escaped from my lips, mixing with the words on the page I had been staring at, of which I had no intention of reading.
“Him.”
I'm gonna tap him like a maple tree. I'm gonna search him for some syrups. I'm gonna be having sex with him.
