Life, please... no more

[Kahlia1981]

Almost shaking with anger now. Was on another forum earlier and made a flippant comment about the shopping centres here not being able to decide when they were going to take the ANZAC day holiday because it was today and the allocated public holiday is tomorrow. They always have issues when a public holiday falls on a Sunday. No-one seems to know why. And that the fact that they couldn't decide was stupid. And someone blasted the living sh*t out of me telling me that I should learn more about a countries national holidays before making degrading comments.

Really trying hard not to let it get to me. I even went and made what I had originally said even more clear. But it really irritates me when someone reads something, jumps off the handle, has a go at you and it's all about something that has absolutely no meaning in a forum that's supposed to be a safe place!

Meh. Sorry, I shouldn't rant. I don't think I'm going to get a lot of sleep tonight. It's after midnight and my brain won't switch off. The damn thing keeps going around in nice depressed circles filled with SI urges and suicidal ideas and thoughts. Just so damn over this life. Just want it all to end.

On a positive note though: I reached my 20 month milestone at 9:00 this morning. Yay me. We are having a celebration of sorts tomorrow, but I don't know what we are going to do.

[Kahlia1981]

What do you do when life doesn't seem worth living anymore? I'm not joking here, I mean that quite literally. What do you do? Do you just keep going as a sort of empty shell. Just a shadow of what you were, or what you could have been? Just existing. Do you fight and live dangerously? Continuously putting yourself in harms way? Do you just turn in on yourself? Keep going further and further inwards until no-one in the outside world can get even the smallest thing from you - like a look, a tiny word, a breath? Why does this happen? What is it that makes life worth living in the first place? What is it that keeps us going through all the BS and all the heart-ache and throughout everything that gets thrown at us?

I don't know anymore. I don't even know what to do, or where to turn. I'm scared to live .... not really scared to die. There can't really be much in the world beyond the grave that is worse that what is happening in the here-and-now. But ...

I don't want to hurt anyone. I've been a survivor of suicide. My Jem threw me into that world 13 years ago and I don't want any of my friends or family to have even the smallest piece of what I suffered through. The blame from others, the guilt, the emotional turmoil, the pure months of "I should have known ..." or "I should have done x". The whole "If I had done/said this/that/x differently then it never would have happened". The year long games of what if's.

But, what am I? I have nothing to show for my life. A measly Certificate for Business Administration and some Dance Teacher qualifications. Other than some high marks at university I have absolutely nothing. Maybe that's because that's what I am ... nothing. Just a waste of space. Breathing air that was meant for other people. Eating food that was never meant for me.

I don't know .... I just really don't know. Maybe now it's time to ask the question: What's it all about when you get right down to it? I mean really?

[mouse in darkness]

Haya don't give up hope you know where I have been {and vice versa} and I want to give you the utmost hugs and hope. I may be across the country but I am with you in spirit I always have and always have been.

Super supportive bear hugs

[Kahlia1981]

Thanks Nicole.

I must run but I have no feet
I must scream but I have no mouth
I must live but I have no life
The wheel turns and all is one

I'm hoping to hear from the HQCC today. If I haven't heard from them by the end of today, I'll be ringing them. I don't know that I would feel safe going into the hospital here - perhaps I should explain why:

• The two separate occasions when they administered me an OD
• Their refusal to treat or even recognise any physical ailments

1. Me and my OD situation
2. A friend who had been in ICU for a number of days and had a chest infection was burning up with a fever and was left untreated and ignored
3. A friend ended up with pneumonia so severe that she required a blood transfusion

• On 4 separate occasions in the past year they have released patients supposedly "well" who within 24 hours have been tasered to death by the cops in a severe psychotic state
• Oh, and they administered a lethal dose of an anti-psychotic to a patient that they refused admission to about 2 weeks ago

This hospital is just not safe. But I don't really have any alternatives. So what do I do?

I don't know anymore. I'm struggling just to hold myself together. Just to keep myself going.

I guess the question is: What do you do when you have reached the point of no return?

[Kahlia1981]

I had an email from my case manager at the HQCC yesterday. She had apparently spoken to the Principal Complaints Officer about my situation, and regarding information they could provide or help they could offer if I required hospitalisation. I was advised that they were "unable to suggest any alternative care at this point". I was also advised to seek advice from my GP regarding any available services etc that I could use. Kind of interesting given that the GPs here have only a nodding acquaintance with mental health. I think they do 6 months on it at university and aren't expected to do more unless they wish to specialise in it.

On the good side however: The independent clinical review starts on the 7th of May. I don't feel sorry for that doctor. He or she is going to have a whole lot of crap to read through.

On the bad side: None of my previous psychiatrists have yet submitted their submissions to the HQCC. This could end up being a bit of a he said - she said scenario, which won't be helpful for anyone. So today I'm going to try and track down my most recent psychiatrist and ask him to please submit something and explain the circumstances if required. I honestly don't know how that'll go. Please wish me luck. I'm also going to ask my psychologist if he would be willing to fax through to the HQCC a copy of the results of the tests he did. I don't know how that will go either.

But the most interesting thing from the email? One statement from the email:

Quote:

If you have concerns relating to this matter having a negative affect on your care you can withdraw your complaint at any time.

So ... I can withdraw the complaint and have dangerous and medically negligent care, or I can keep the complaint and have no care whatsoever? Exactly who are you trying to help here?

Interestingly enough, the case manager rang me after I had received the email. From the conversation with her I found out that they were "not allowed" to give me information about alternatives to in-hospital treatment. She also told me that the hospital has not yet responded to the "round 2" style arguments I brought up - that basically dissected every point the hospital made in round 1.

I don't know. But I do know that today, and the next few days, are going to be extremely long. *sigh*

Sometimes I wish there was an easy way out of this, and I guess there is, the lay-down-and-die. But if I do that, then he wins, and any treatment I get at the hospital will be not in my best interest. Considering the way they treat their patients already ... No. Not even an option. I have to keep fighting until I win, or until he dies.

[Pomegranate]

I don't really have any great words of wisdom Kahlia. I am not really sure what to say but I do think you are very brave and strong to fight so hard for this and I think it is the right thing to do. Please try not to let it negatively effect your mental health though and don't let anybody bully you into agreeing to any compromise that you aren't comfortable with.

*leaves hugs in case needed or wanted*

[Kahlia1981]

*hugs Emma back* Thanks hun, it's enough to know that someone has read it. I'm trying really hard not to let it negatively effect my mental health, and as for the compromise, it's not going to happen.

I heard back from one of the psychiatrists today. It was extremely interesting. His receptionist told me that she hadn't seen a request from the HQCC pass across her desk. When I told her what the general situation was she put me straight onto the doctor himself. He had received it (thank goodness). Apparently the letter asking for information to be provided to the HQCC is nigh on impossible to be completed. They have basically asked for a full copy of the file, plus a summary setting out trialled treatments and medications and appropriate diagnoses and any assessments etc. But the interesting bit? They want a sort of itemised list setting out each appointment what the diagnosis was, what the presentation was, what the medication was, what the treatment options were, what was said in the appointment .... You get the general idea. How is a doctor who runs, or who is at least the only practitioner in, his practice supposed to be able to provide this in a time period of about 2 weeks. Nobody keeps that kind of records. No-one that I've ever met anyway.

It was good to speak to that doc though. He's going to make contact with the HQCC and try and get everything off to them today. *crosses fingers* Fingers crossed it will be enough. With what he has said he'll provide them with it should at least provide something in my court. I hope this will go okay.

I've also rang my psychologist and am waiting for him to call me back. I'm asking him to provide the HQCC with the results etc of the assessments he has done.

AND ... I also rang the Independent Advocacy place near us and told them a little bit about what's been going on and am awaiting a phone call back from someone. She's supposed to call me back this afternoon.

Considering I hate using the telephone ... it really terrifies me ... this morning has been absolute hell. Man, I wish this all was over.

[mouse in darkness]

I wish everything would turn out okay and that the individual in question is treated accordingly to the findings. I am here to support you though I am a far off. I wish to give you supportive "hugs" in this hour of need and will endevour to support you. As the title indicates keep up hope you will always have an ear to listen to you.

PS
This is what I hope happens (They get some fire up there bum and get a move on for your sake)

[Kahlia1981]

Thanks Nicole.

I know for sure now that my parents aren't going to support me. I don't know why, but I'm really not surprised. They don't seem to have a problem with the hospital administering overdoses to me, or not treating me at all when I'm in a dangerous situation. I feel kind of like I should be returning to them with a sort of "I disown you" type of attitude or maybe just a "if you aren't with me, you're against me".

I don't know. Don't trust your family whatever you do. They will always be the first ones to dance on your grave.

[crazykat]

*Hugs* You are doing well considering how much crap keeps getting thrown your way. I have no advice really but wanted to let you know that. I am here if I can ever do anything even if its just a ear to listen.

[mouse in darkness]

I give you supportive "Hugs"

[Kahlia1981]

Kat and Nicole, my heartfelt thanks goes out to both of you. It really helps to know that someone has read and cares enough to respond.

[CrazyHayley]

Hey Kahlia *huggles* - it just occurred to me to catch up with your thread to save you having to explain yourself all over again in the psych ward. No words of advice, but just wanted you to know that I've read the latest and wish that I could help. I'll keep my fingers and toes crossed for you that a positive outcome to help you arrives quickly out of all this mess.

*crosses fingers and toes*

[Kahlia1981]

Thanks for the good wishes Hayley. It means a lot to me that you have read, and the support is appreciated. Thanks. *big hugs*

[Kahlia1981]

Three thoughts of the day that I'm placing where I can find and read them when I need to:

One:
A gentleman friend and I once went to a Buddhist meditation class where the teacher said to us: The smallest thing can make or break your day, but the bigger question is: which will you let it do. Your mind is a powerful tool. Use it in a healthy way and you'll receive surprising results.

Two:
Nobody teaches Volcanoes to erupt, Tsunamis to arise, Hurricanes to sway around, and no Woman is taught how to chose a Husband... Natural Disasters just happen.

Three:
I wish I could give you all more. I wish I could take away the pain, the heartache, the doom and gloom that settle on all of you. You are all better people than what you are going through tells you. And none of you, no matter what that little voice inside you says, is a freak. You are all individuals, with your own personalities and ways and you all bring something of worth to the world. I know that some of you won't believe this when you read it, but it's the truth. You all deserve the best, and you all deserve to be treated with dignity and respect. Remember that, and remember one thing more. You are who you were born to be, and everything you have lived through has made you who you are.

[crazykat]

I really like these thoughts particularly the first one. I hope you can draw strength from these *hugs*

[Kahlia1981]

Kat, thank you for your response, and also for the hugs. They are much needed right now.

I think I might be coming back to the depressed (but not as depressed) state I was in before the Champix dropped me down the well. I didn't feel quite so bad, mood wise, yesterday. My urges towards SI were still strong and I could still get caught up into planning suicide in great detail but the episodes of doing so didn't last as long. They were just as frequent however. For the first time in ... quite a while ... I'm starting to feel like I have a plan for my future other than suicide. From past experience I know that doesn't mean all that much yet. Things could go anywhere from here. I didn't sleep last night so I could be heading into a manic period for respite before dropping deeply into the depression again. Seriously, no-one could tell you. *sigh*

I spoke to a friend yesterday about the complaint I'd made about our health service. She made a complaint about them as well, but not at as high a level as where I made mine. She has a very good reason to make a complaint against them for medical negligence. She was showing signs of a serious medical illness (pneumonia) and they left her to get worse without even checking to see if anything was wrong other than a cursory "Are you okay?", to which they didn't even bother to listen to the answer. She ended up being sent over to the main hospital and requiring a blood transfusion. She wouldn't have been that unwell if they had acted when she began to show signs of being sick. *sigh*

I guess it's all "another day in the life" here. The health department just tries to bury it's horrific past .... and ignores the fact that a lot of those atrocities are still continuing today.

[mouse in darkness]

*Hugs you gently*

You are an amazing inspiration to those you touch.

[crazykat]

*Hugs* Glad things are easing a bit for you, I hope it continues. Keep fighting sweetheart, your worth it

[Kahlia1981]

Firstly, thank you Kat. *hugs you back*

Right now I feel like the world is falling down around me, kind of like the song in the movie Labyrinth.

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My monitor didn't arrive today. The guys at the store place seem to be insinuating that I'm a moron. They gave me a consignment number for Australia Post, that Australia Post has informed us is in no way a valid consignment number for them as theirs contain a mixture of alphanumeric characters and the one they gave me (apart from being far too long) was only numeric. So I emailed the store asking for a valid consignment number ... they replied to tell me that "the consignment number should be truncated to x numbers". I'm currently resisting the urge to respond to them asking if they think I am stupid. I've bought all the pieces for my computer from them, but after this I am going elsewhere. For god's sake, my IQ is well over 100 and I doubt theirs even makes 50 (combined)! Grrrr.

Sorry, just had to get that out.

I'm not doing brilliantly. I'm definitely depressed. The good news however is that I'm not as depressed as I was. However, I regularly (at least 20 times a day) have moments where I have to leave a room or find someone to talk to about random stuff to stop myself from doing something su related.

We did have a godsend today however. Our electricity bill arrived and it was less than $135.00. We are 50% below the average usage which suits us fine. It does mean I'm going to have to put off ordering my MedicAlert bracelet for yet another fortnight, but the electricity bill I guess has to come first.

You know it's not so much a case of "one step forward, two steps back" ... it's "one step forward, a steam roller knocks you flat and drives you back a dozen yards". *sigh*

I'd better try and crash or I'm going to have a hell of a time with my short-term psychologist.