Im thinking back to something a phy said to me, that people with borderline give up on things too easily, like you will pick a hobbie up and a few days later drop it, does anyone actully do that?
"Its not how long a star shines, what is remembered is the brightness of the light"
Maybe it happens to anyone who's insecure with what they want or like?
I'm rather opposite [although I'm another 'traits' bod...] in that I can get so obsessive about things and stick with them even when it's not doing me a whole lot of good - like when I got involved with the yoga sect to the detriment of my mental health.
Music sounds like it's a good tool for you, Mari - try not to let BPD mind win over that.
well i just bought my acoustic guitar so yay, cant wait til i get it now. Just spent about £100 on piano books and of course the guitar. I am trying to buy the music software off ebay and the midi keyboard so will have to wait a few days, if not then i will just need to buy it brand new in a few weeks.
so yay
"Its not how long a star shines, what is remembered is the brightness of the light"
I am so wound up by my 11 year old sister's behaviour. She is so so horrible and rude.
I am actually on the verge of tears, yet again, because I feel like I must be a horrible person because I don't want to be around her almost all of the time. I can't stand her.
I am on the pc and this keyboard dnt work so I need to be brief...
Hope everyone is okay
I am going back to work in themorn, even tho I have a chest infection now but i cant leave it anylonger...but i am being sick because i am so anxious, i really dnt kno if I can do this tomoz, i need to and want to but dnt know if i can....
Hope everyone else is okay and hope to get my laptop back on tue xxxx
Something has changed within me, something is not the same, I'm through with playing by the rules of someone elses game. Too late for second guessing, too late to go back to sleep, its time to trust my instincts, close my eyes and leap....
Somethings I cannot change, but till I try I'll never know...
***
Big hugs to all my friends on here, thanks for your constant support - love you guys
u can do it hollz u are strong first day back is allways gonna be tough but the longer u leave it the harder it will be. it wont be as bad as ur expecting.
hugs zowie
had an ok day considering i was rather drunk last night doing a netball fundraiser. sort of bit my best friends head off today and just got an email from her saying she doesn't know what i want from her when i ask for help. and that she is sorry for being unsympathetic. i dont know wat i want from her we went from seeing each other most days and being really close before hospital and me moving back to uni. i don't know wat to say to her she gone through some crap recently. i dont know wat to say to her. any advice
im still just so tired of life, of the constant struggle, of not knowing where to turn or who to trust (no one?), ive been stockpiling alot this week and although im not in tears anymore im more a calm, distant suicidal, like i could just line them up and be gone, its not like many people would even notice, the only reaosn i havent before tonight is for the boy but how much longer can he cope before he goes to?
Hey Mari, sorry I wasn't around, I have been at family stufff a couple of hours from mine.
I don't think you need to worry about the music/technology front as it is something that you have been passionate about for a while. Don't let your bpd rob you of it.
I do get what you mean re music making you feel better. It's kind of why I want to learn jazz techniques so that I can "learn" re improv as a way of clearing my head. That and I love the sound of clarinet in jazz music, beautiful.
I am tired. I have been happy, smiley me all day and am now shattered. Going to cut tonight but will only keep ot to a little. I just need to keep that constant small release right now to prevent me from taking an OD again as the urges are so strong. My head is busy, I don't know whether some things are real or not. Tomorrow I have an appt with my SW and I don't know how to get across how things are for me right now.
Sorry, keep waffling don't I.
Ferret, could you please try and get rid of your stockpile? We care about you! *hugs*
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
sorry carrie, i dont think i can, maybe not tonight but one night this week i think there will be a time when i need it. don't worry you wont even know ive done it, you dont have to put up with me in real life, which is lucky because you wouldnt hang around long. i dont deserve friends it seems no matter how much i care for them or how much i would do for them.
good luck with the SW lovely, good luck with the music thing mari x
hi.. am really struggling atm...
my eating is really bad at the moment, in that i can't stop.
seems that to stop me from cutting/burning, i eat.. a lot
i'm too scared to step on the scales
i don't know if I'm allowed to say how overweight i am, but it's a lot (the equivalent of carrying around an 6 or 7 year old child, say)
then there's (and some one just mentioned this) giving up on stuff too easily. I find keeping up a hobby/interest/anything tbh really hard, I'm not sure what happens but I lose interest
I'm feeling abandoned because my brother (who I am very close to) is away for aweek and I feel lost
I can't have a decent conversation with my Mother on the phone cos she's got guests at her place and she always seems so distracted on the phone
AAarrgh....
And I've started taking pills from my stash to make me sleep through the night. I know I shouldn't be doing it, but I'm sick of waking up at 4am with a start and feeling compelled to get out of bed.
Sorry for moaning.
I just need to get this off my chest.
Does anyone identify with any of this stuff
or am I just talking crap??
Aww hun, I care about you. I can't imagine you are some kind of terrible person in real life. I understand about not being able to get rid of them but perhaps you could put them out of reach or in the bottom of an awkward drawer or something so that there is an extra step between your impulses and access to the tablets? Please take care.
They aren't meds you should be taking are they because if they are, it might explain why things are so terrible.
I can be on msn later if you want?
xxx
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
Are you at your place or at your parents at the moment?
I think you need to go to your GP and tell them how poorly you have been treated. Say that you want to see if meds will help as they have helped me (yes, I know I am in a state right now but I don't think I would still be alive if I wasn't on them the way I was heading).
Maybe ask your GP if they have access to any services, for example, here, apparently there is a woman's centre where the wait for psychotherapy is much shorter than via the cmht - about 3 months. I'm not allowed individual psychotherapy yet but hope I can access it via the women's centre when allowed to. Maybe Mind run some CBT groups or a self harm/depression/anxiety group. There are other things out there hun.
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
I think you will find alot of us here identify with the struggles you are going through.
I'm glad you are using your stash to help you sleep. I remember when I was suffering an episode of depression and wanting to stash and the psych was, try and take the meds and see how you are in a few weeks, you may be feeling better by taking them instead of storing them and if you don't, there are always other methods without stashing your meds.
Do you have any support - cmht, etc?
xxx
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
im at my place, only for 2 weeks then ill be stuck living back at home without a job or even a possible job, although im not sure if i can cope with a job right now. theres no point seeing the gp as im leaving, ive asked for meds b4 they refused.
im sorry carrie im being so difficult. part of me thinks well in 2 weeks i can see the new gp but its not like they will have any quick fix anyway and i ve been told meds and idividual therapy will be no good for me.
dont worry lovely, just give up, i wont blame u, its what everyone else has done xx
