I am tired of everything and I just want to give up... its just been a bad few weeks and I have been hanging on, but I really don't feel like it... sigh.
*checks self in and stares at the wall*
~Matt~
Susanna Kaysen: I'm ambivalent. In fact that's my new favorite word.
Dr. Sonia Wick: Do you know what that means, ambivalence?
Susanna Kaysen: I don't care.
Dr. Sonia Wick: If it's your favorite word, I would've thought you would...
Susanna Kaysen: It *means* I don't care. That's what it means.
Sorry for not posting yesterday or updating on Sunday.
I couldn't resist any longer. I harmed on sunday, not badly though.
I had 2 appointments with my therapist. One on Monday, the other today. I didn't tell him though. He wants me to go IP again anyway, if I tell him that I harmed again he'll make me go IP.
You survived the abuse.
You're gonna survive the recovery.
*flops down for a rest* hey all... i hope you all are doing OK. It's really hard to keep up with everyone when I'm on so sporadically and believe me there are days I can't get online that I really feel I could benefit from being here.
I'm just starting to surface from a 3 week down-slide. There were a few days that I really thought I was coming out of it just to end up in a pool of tears by the time the day ended. I'm not even 100% sure I'm really at the end of it now, but I hope so. I haven't harmed this entire time, but it's been a huge challenge to keep myself from doing so.
I'm fighting a tough internal battle with myself and I've had a couple of really hard discoveries about myself and my family. For example: lately I've been really struggling with my own anger issues. I sometimes feel this out of control rage inside and it's completely irrational and out of control, despite the fact that I realize I'm not being rational at the time. This is something my dad had when I was younger. We always used to blame it on the medications he was on, but I'm beginning to realize it may have been something more and that maybe all this anger I've had toward him for so long is wasted... because maybe he couldn't control it either and it wasn't just the meds.
I'm rambling and I know it.... truthfully I don't even care if anyone reads this... I think it just helps to get it out there and get it out of my head.
~Kelly~
the hardest battle you are ever going to fight is the battle against yourself
Just..everything is really hard right now...and I've just found out that one of my best friends is in hospital again because she bashed her head against a wall. Its just...urgh :'(
I hope things get better cause they aren't rght now...
~Matt~
Susanna Kaysen: I'm ambivalent. In fact that's my new favorite word.
Dr. Sonia Wick: Do you know what that means, ambivalence?
Susanna Kaysen: I don't care.
Dr. Sonia Wick: If it's your favorite word, I would've thought you would...
Susanna Kaysen: It *means* I don't care. That's what it means.
