Life, please... no more - Page 25

Kahlia1981 · 03-04-2010, 10:28 AM

My parental units - who started their around Australia trip in about June last year - are in Mackay, and are expecting to be home again tomorrow!!

I feel like I ought to be excited .... but I'm not. I don't know. The idea of them being home kind of feels weird. I can't really explain it. I don't know if it's just because they weren't here for the biggest part of my life last year (the 3 months where I wasn't able to do ... pretty much anything) or whether it's just the time factor ... I was actually commenting to my housemate a week or so ago that the first few days of them being home I was probably going to be commenting on the fact that I wasn't receiving text messages from my mother!

Anyway, it will be nice to have them home, but I don't know if I'll be able to see them before we go away. My parents will understand though. Especially with what has been going on for all of us. And also, my parents will absolutely adore the fact that my housemate and I are going with the particular friend that we are going with as she has been my friend since I was about 3 years old lol. My mother was incredibly happy that I had "reconnected" with her.

Sometimes family makes me laugh.

Kahlia1981 · 08-04-2010, 11:11 AM

Firstly: Mes parents are home. They got home on Easter Sunday. (4 April 2010). It was nice to see them on the day they came home.

The worst bit of it though was that I stayed at my parents house to help them organise themselves and make them cups of coffee and so forth so that they could concentrate a) on the packing and b) on getting themselves ready for the special dinner that my brother and sisters's families had planned/organised/executed and so forth.

While that was happening, I sat in the chair (thank goodness it's a recliner!) in which I spent my miniature schnauzer "Heidi"s last day on Earth. I had to keep blinking back the tears. It really didn't help that Heidi passed away in May and it's now April. It also really peeves me that when I had to make that decision for her, and spent her last day with her, I had my Right (and dominant) forearm in a cast. That meant that everytime I wanted to move, someone else had to move Heidi so that I could move. I have felt really bad about that since it happened.

Anyway, today we got back for a very short trip ... or should I say holiday. We went for a drive (approximately 4 hours) to Cairns on Easter Monday and spent up until today (Thursday 8th April) when we drove back. It was quite a good vacation. Although it could have been made even better if the 6 year old child had any concept on how to behave himself. He is very much in the "I want" stage.

We went to dinner at this absolutely beautiful place. Again, without the 6 year old it would have been magical. There were two things however that he could not destroy. They were a) the food and b) the atmosphere. At one point (about 5 minutes after we had arrived at the restaurant) he announced that he wanted to go home. I told him that he could start walking back to where we lived then. I pointed him in the right direction and said that if he started now he would be able to get there in about two days. I'm just seriously glad they were not my kids. The mother (a friend of mine) looked like she was nearly in tears at the end of the meal because she was just so embarrassed as to how the kids had behaved.

Meh. Sometimes that is all you can say ...

For me though ... the worst bit came just then, well after we got home. I tried to take my medication (it's a large number of tablets at nighttime) and my body and brain refused. My brain was literally just screaming "NO". I had to force myself not to throw the tablets across the room. My housemate saw me sitting on the bed staring into my hand and asked me what was happening and all I could say was "I don't think I can do this". He basically took the tablets out of my hand and put them somewhere safe, gave me another tablet to calm me down - I was stressing out so much that I had worked up a really bad sweat over it - took me outside for a smoke to "relax" me. When I tried again (after allowing the tablet to take effect a bit) I was able to take them ... but I don't feel quite right. I just don't know ....

I don't think I can keep doing this. I'm scared on some level that my mind is just going to rebel and I'm just going to stop taking all my meds, and that could be severely disastrous. And while I know that logically, I don't know what to do about it. Is that weird? Am I losing my mind? What in whatever-you-happen-to-believe-in's name is going on?!

One more thing about today that I don't understand. I'm going to put this behind a "hide". Not because there is anything overly triggering in it, but I will mention the word "knife" and some feelings associated with it and don't want to accidentally trigger someone. Please, if you think there should be another warning associated with it, let me know.

The following content has been hidden - Reason : Talk of knife and feelings regarding the knife - NO SI, non-graphic

This all leaves me a little confused. I'm also unsure where I stand in relation to mood. And I don't think that is helping with everything else that is going on.

Anyway, I hope you all are managing to get some sleep, or have managed to get some sleep and are awakening refreshed and ready to start the new day.

And something amusing to lighten the day of anyone who reads this far. The Queensland Governments Health Department - called strangely enough Queensland Health - has now failed to pay a large majority of its employees (ie: Doctors and Nurses etc) their wages for 2 fortnights in a row!!! Then they sent them an email with the phone numbers for various (already overstretched) Aid Agencies (eg Lifeline, The Salvation Army, Welfare places) advises them to apply for "food and financial assistance" - in other words: "we are not going to back-pay you so make use of these organisations that are already struggling to meet demand". Ahhh, Qld Health. That's how you say incompetent in any language.

Sometimes I think that Qld Health has hit rock bottom .... but then I remember that with the amount of corruption in Qld Health ... they still have a seriously long way to go ...

crazykat · 11-04-2010, 05:36 AM

*Hugs* Haven't got any advice but wanted to let you know I am thinking of you

Kahlia1981 · 14-04-2010, 06:13 AM

I've been thinking recently about a poem I heard, and used to be able to recite, when I was younger. I've lost it ... like most of my past. But certain phrases came into my head. I decided to do an online search of those phrases and found the poem.

It's called:

One Fine Day in the Middle of the Night

One fine day in the middle of the night,
Two dead boys got up to fight,
Back to back they faced each other,
Drew their swords and shot each other,
One was blind and the other couldn't, see
So they chose a dummy for a referee.
A blind man went to see fair play,
A dumb man went to shout "hooray!"
A paralysed donkey passing by,
Kicked the blind man in the eye,
Knocked him through a nine inch wall,
Into a dry ditch and drowned them all,
A deaf policeman heard the noise,
And came to arrest the two dead boys,
If you don't believe this story’s true,
Ask the blind man he saw it too!

Yes, it makes no sense. That was the point of that poem. It made me start thinking. Is that what my life is like? Just something completely and totally nonsensical? I don't know. Right now that would almost be a blessing.

My head is not playing at all nicely. It keeps dragging at me. I feel like I want to do things but I don't know why. The urges - especially the strong ones - towards su, si and the old ed habits keep getting stronger. And so does the thought "giving in won't hurt". I don't know ... I just don't know.

My parental units being back in town doesn't make it any easier. I hate going out to their place because someone always has to take me and I don't have an "escape" route. If I want to leave I just have to wait for someone to be able to take me.

I guess I just have to learn to cope for the 9 more months I have left here. Until I can go somewhere they actually take mental health care seriously, instead of treating it like a "boys club".

Right now I wish I could just run away and never return. *sigh*

Merc · 14-04-2010, 06:28 AM

Just hugs hunni, sorry.
Hope too you soon get some proper help.
How is your complaint coming? Have you heard anything?

and i love that poem, not thought of it for a very long time...sorry it has distressed you tho. Can you tell your roommate? Or does he already know?
Is there anything that would help?

Kahlia1981 · 14-04-2010, 12:22 PM

Kat, Thanks for the hugs. It sometimes is enough to know that someone cares.
Hey romp, thanks for the hugs. I really need them at the moment.

As for my complaint ... the hospital gets sent what I wrote back and then has some time (I think it's 30 days) to formulate a response. Then the HQCC lets me know what they decide to do ... I think. I'm going to re-read the letter in the morning, and if I don't understand or can't work it out I will either email her with my questions or asking her to ring me, or ring her.

The poem is brilliant. It always used to make me laugh. I wish things still worked like that. :( My housemate knows what's going on. We actually went out tonight. We went down to the beach and had a really nice change of scenery.

Just getting so, so tired of this ...

crazykat · 15-04-2010, 04:23 AM

*Hugs* Hold on there hun, am here if you ever need someone to talk to

Kahlia1981 · 16-04-2010, 08:45 AM

Man last night is hitting me badly now. I didn't sleep. I don't know why, but I couldn't. I tried several different times. I kept going in and lying down for half an hour or so, and then getting up and the repeating the process ad nauseum. I think I finally gave up at about 2 am. I just chilled infront of the computer.

Strangely enough, my housemate came out of his room at about 4 am after what he stated was a "rude awakening". He woke with a shock and was unable to get back to sleep. He seemed a bit confused to find me sitting where I was, but we shared a convivial few cups of coffee and some early morning banter as a way to lift our spirits.

Anyway, I saw the physiotherapist this morning and she is going to refer me to hydrotherapy. We did a couple of range of movement tests and I scored really well ... but they were done extremely slowly and with an awful lot of concentration. She was really happy with it, but very concerned about the "base" level of pain that I'm in from my shoulder. I'm still a little concerned about how long I still have within the hospital system, but I guess I just have to wait and see.

I met up with an old friend at a shopping centre today. We had a really good chat. She told me that I looked like I had lost a lot of weight, and I asked her if she wanted to guess how much or have me tell her. She told me that she would like to guess but didn't want to upset me. So, I told her it wouldn't and she had a go. She actually came pretty close. She said she could see the difference in everything about me. It was really nice.

Anyway, I'd better go as my housemate wants to go get dinner. *sigh*

Kahlia1981 · 17-04-2010, 02:39 AM

This probably won't make sense, and I apologise for that in advance.

My head is all screwed up ... Right now I'm asking:

When do I stop running and get the energy to turn and fight?
And what do I do when that energy stops and I have to keep fighting?
And what about when I just, quite simply, can't fight any more?
What the hell can I do?

I'm running on empty. I have no where to turn now if things go wrong.
We only have one mental health help centre, and I can't go there for help because:
a) They don't take me seriously
b) If they pretend to take me seriously they don't even try to offer me care that is appropriate to my illness because "that isn't anything like the illness that [i] actually have"
c) I don't trust them because of the care (or should that be lack of care) I have always received, and finally
d) because of the complaint

I'm hanging on by my fingertips - and by that I mean both to my sanity and to life. I don't know what to do, I don't know where to turn and that in itself is making things worse.

Recently I've started getting the anxiety reactions associated with both a resurgence in my ED and also agoraphobia. I feel like I'm losing the plot.

I just want it all to end. Am so damn over all of this. I just wish there was a way to make it all stop. *sigh*

crazykat · 17-04-2010, 02:51 PM

*Hugs* I wish I had some advice but I don't but please hold on there hun. You will get through this. You are a strong woman, I am here for you

Kahlia1981 · 18-04-2010, 10:36 AM

*hugs Kat* - Thanks hun.

I'm going to quit smoking. I don't quite know how I'm going to manage it, but I will manage it. In the long run, it isn't the health benefits I'm thinking about overall, but the financial benefits. I don't know if anyone really reads this, but if anyone knows of any ways to quit smoking - especially without returning to SI in any form - can they please let me know? And that does include links to websites or whatever, which can be sent in PMs if required.

I feel like crap today. Really, really miserable. I just want to dig a really deep hole and bury myself in it. I want to start crying, and just never stop. And the worst things is: I don't know why. There is no logical reason for me feeling this way. *sigh*

I had a good friend come over today. We went out for a light lunch and then did some simple grocery shopping and arranged another visit for tomorrow evening. I had a chat with her about not using her Facebook account to air her "dirty laundry" (so to speak) about her breakup because of it's very public nature and so forth.

I don't know ... I've done a lot today ... but I feel like I am nothing. Like I will never be anything. That there is just no point in striving to be anything more than the nothing that I am.

Does that even make sense?

Man, my head hurts from going around in circles so much ...

I just feel so useless, such a waste of space. *sigh*

jonikd · 18-04-2010, 10:54 AM

*hugs Kahlia* Other than agreeing with Kat in that what I've seen of you - you are a strong woman who can and will get through this, not sure what else I can give you tonight. You are already something pretty special though, OK, to many of us here at the very least, and for what that's worth.

In regards to stopping smoking, I did it about 10 years ago, with the help of nicotine patches, Its hard and emotional but the health benefits are worth it from my experience.

Hang in there hun, we're all here for you. Just believe in yourself like we do.

x

Kahlia1981 · 18-04-2010, 11:33 PM

JK: Thanks. I know that the road to quitting smoking is going to be hard, and also that things are likely to get a bit ... stretched (?) ... between my housemate and me. But we decided that it would be easier for us to quit together as then one wouldn't be triggering the other to restart or whatever. We're hoping to be sort of quitting buddies. I'm a bit concerned about 2 things with the patches: 1 is that they may contain latex - something I am severely allergic to, and the other is that they may not stick. I guess I'll have a look around.

So very tired. So very depressed. So sick of living. So ... just plain over it all. I just wish there was a magickal cure. But I guess I'm not the only one. It would just be so very nice.

I'll stop whining now.

crazykat · 19-04-2010, 02:09 AM

Can you talk to your doctor about the patches,as they will know what's in them. Also I'm not a smoker but my brother went to his doctor and got a prescription for some kind of drug that stops cravings. My brother has tried giving up before with no success but this worked for him. Not sure of the name of it but I am sure your doctor would know. Best of luck with quitting. Hold on there hun, I am here for you *hugs*

Kahlia1981 · 19-04-2010, 06:12 PM

*sigh*
So damn tired. It's 3 o'clock in the morning and I haven't been able to grab a wink of sleep. Our downstairs neighbours (who we suspect might be drug dealers or similar) have been playing extremely loud music since late last night. To give you an idea of how loud it is: All the windows in our unit are shut. The door is shut. The building is basically a concrete/brick unit and the living areas are carpeted. The music is still loud enough to allow me to feel the vibrations (admittedly some will be from the bass) through my bed, and to be able to type out the words to some of the songs. They had old country songs playing earlier and that "Looking out my Backdoor" song. Now they are onto the "Ain't nothing but mammals" type song. It's driving me balmy.

Meh. Anyway, I went to my GP today and he prescribed me a drug to help me stop smoking. I start it this morning. There is the possibility of side effects - psychiatric ones that is, in every drug there's always a possibility of some side effects - but the GP just basically said to stop taking it if that happens. My quit date is April 30th.

Kahlia1981 · 20-04-2010, 06:45 AM

I feel like I'm in that episode of the Simpsons where Homer goes crazy:
No TV and No beer make Homer go crazy...

It's just lack of sleep though, and I'm not really crazy. Well, like I say to my friends: I'm not crazy ... My reality is just different to yours. It's just that my brain and body don't want to keep going. We went for a nice little (2.5 kilometre) walk down to the shops, and on the way back my legs were seriously only keeping on going because my brain was telling them to. They kept threatening to drop out. Just drop me to the floor (or in this case the pavement) and leave me there. When we had to stop to wait for the lights I could feel this huge buzzing sensation in my leg muscles and just kept waiting for the -snap-, for everything to just come apart. *sigh*

Oh well. I hope that I manage to get some sleep tonight.

I started the anti-smoking drug today. I haven't really noticed any overly negative side-effects. I also haven't been overboard on the smoking and am still well within my allocated cigarettes for the day. So, I'm hopeful that this is going to work and that there aren't likely to be any major drug interactions, or any other sort of interactions if it comes to that.

Mind you, we had a good night last night. We went out for fish & chips down the Strand (the beach). There was this fairly young kitten that had been dumped. None of us wanted to leave it there, but none of us could bring it home, and if we had taken it to the RSPCA it would have been put down and none of us could face that knowledge. I feel sorry for it ... I don't think it'll last long. :(

We did get quite a nice walk along the beach and, for a change, it wasn't too blowy. I really hate having to watch out for the skateboards though ... But I guess you have to ... if you don't want to get knocked down, 'cause they sure as hell won't watch out for you. If you are in their way - you are as good as knocked flat. People in my city haven't really gotten the hang of "sharing" yet.

Meh.

jonikd · 20-04-2010, 10:46 AM

Kahlia, hun. I really really hope you sleep tonight. I'd give you my allocated time if I could!

Be kind to yourself, if its not the right time to stop smoking right now then don't, but if you think you can do it without adding too much stress to yourself then it could give you a sense of achievement. Just be a bit flexible 'k?

Hugs to you.
JK

crazykat · 21-04-2010, 12:27 PM

*Hugs* I hope you manage to get some sleep and good luck with quitting smoking you can do this

Kahlia1981 · 24-04-2010, 03:18 AM

Firstly: JK & Kat: Thanks and *big hugs* to both of you. My sleep is starting to return to some sort of normality. I sleep light but if there isn't too much noise I can get there.

I just finished cleaning the bathroom and I positively stink of sweat and cleaning products. For such a small room it takes a damn long time to clean - it took me over an hour. And I almost collapsed in the bath. I'm getting a bit sick of that.

My housemate managed to score a job interview this morning. I just keep getting rejection letters. I guess that's okay because I'm a failure, but still.

My housemate and I both had to come off the Champix (drug we were using to quit smoking) as I was severely suicidal and depressed, and he had some suicidal ideas and was starting to feel depressed as well. I believe I asked him to "Marry me and take me away from all this ..." several times. We have to rethink the strategy. Just too risky ...

So tired, and wishing that I could just crash out. We have a friend coming over this afternoon though so that might be what I need to get out of this depressive episode for an hour or so. Meh, je ne sais pas. [I don't know.]

Does it ever get any easier?

crazykat · 24-04-2010, 01:30 PM

Glad your sleep is improving somewhat, I hope it continues to improve for you. The collapsing doesn't sound good, have you spoken to your doctor about it? Your not a failure, a failure is someone that doesn't try and your still trying so that counts for alot. It's a shame the champix didn't work out but your mental well being is much more more important, I wish you all the best in giving up though. I hope it helped having your friend over. Take care
Kat xxx