Having a bad day with my FND today. Aching all over with stiff locked up muscles. Still feeling a bit Covidy. Mentally kind of numb /dissociative not really in touch with any emotion or feeling like engaging with anything.
In the meantime breathing wise I know what to do. Do the breathing exercises take my inhalers, monitor my peak flow etc. I know the signs that I have to call for help it's just difficult when it's borderline.
Mentally that's a bit harder as still waiting to hear from neuropsychology after being referred back and dont have any appointments in place in the short term. I guess keep calling crisis charity phoneline if I need to and First Response if I feel in danger of acting on thoughts. And doing grounding and other coping techniques when I have the energy.
Should try reaching out to GP because I could double check referral happened as well as try getting some support (I did check with receptionist and she said it looked like it had but would be good to hear it from Dr A). If all else fails on reaching out to GP front I have an appointment for 3rd November. It's a month away but it's something. I don't know if I want to be referred to CMHT depends partly on how fast neuropsychology get back back to me and how things develop in general.
Looking forward to chatting to OT on Thursday she is great.
Really hoping breast clinic says it's all benign, I don't know how I would handle cancer on top of everything else.
Sounds like you know what to do but I understand it can still be a hard task and sometimes difficult to reach out etc. Have you tried speaking to the GP today?
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Spoke to GP surgery but about physio for my sprained wrist. I am currently just ignoring my mental health. Which isn't the healthiest. But as I am feeling physically shit today I just can't face mental stuff. And it should be ok if I only do short term right?
Partner and I are back to sharing a bed as we are getting better (he was sleeping on sofa while we were both really ill to give me space/ so we didn't disturb each other). He is also up and about more. Sharing a bed is nice because its an important thing for closeness in our relationship. But it combined with him being up and about more does make it harder for me to call support places whenever as he would hear me talking and wake up. Or like hear me talkiing from the office and come check on me /to see if I was talking to him. So generally have to at least let him know I am going to call somewhere because I am struggling which is sometimes hard. Or at least feel I have to so I can be relaxed/ feel like I won't be interrupted.
I mean I do share when I am struggling with him and about it, but suicidal thoughts is something I really find hard to tell him about. And talking to helpline people is sometimes easier as they don't have emotional investment sort of thing.
Really holding out for a neuropsychology review at the moment. I need it to be soon really.
So my OT called for our scheduled phone appointment and because she is part of a multidisciplinary team she has talked to psychologist and knew about me having suicidal thoughts as psychologist had letter from psych liason. So she asked how things were mentally to check in.
I didn't want to burden her with it or give too many details but she said that it was better they knew what was going on and while she said I didn't have to tell her details and didn't pressure me she did persuade me to share the thoughts. And so with difficulty and a lot of support from her I managed to open up. Told her about suicidal thoughts, and about plans to do with overdose that I had considered but decided against and about almost harming and what tool I almost used.
She is concerned and is going to email my GP surgery addressed to my GP Dr A and the duty GP. And we came up with a plan where I moved the meds I was considering overdosing on to a drawer in the office that I rarely have a reason to open. And specifically the office as I am barely ever in there alone. To reassure her I moved the meds while I was on the phone to her. She asked me to consider telling partner and when he came to see m just now I just blurted out about moving meds to reassure OT and about the plan to overdose but put it very much being on the past tense to partner. That plan is something I have moved on from and been having less suicidal thoughts last couple of days but thoughts aren't fully in the past. Was honest about that with OT though.
Apparently psychologist (my old therapist human) has cut his hours and so he isn't as avaliable. Which is part of why he wouldnt be fully comfortable managing risk of me being suicidal. And considering what I told OT about still having suicidal thoughts outside hospital and having made a few plans and what was discussed in multidisciplinary meeting OT thinks probably could do with CMHT involvement. I think she is going to directly ask GP to refer me. Didn't ask if I would have to wait for further neuropsychological input until I had seen CMHT but suspect that might be the case.
Also discussed some FND stuff and did a bladder and bowel assessment which was somewhat awkward but that's medical care at times.
Not quite sure how I feel about all this. Right now feel quite wobbly. I am kind of glad GP may finally get in touch. But also not looking forward to CMHT assessment etc. As I bet I will just have to go through stress if assessment to get told I am not unstable enough for help or if I do qualify for help get chucked on a 6 -12 month waiting list. But trying to be optimistic that they might be more helpful.
Have promised OT if I haven't heard anything today that on Friday I wil to try and chase GP surgery about talking to someone. But would probably wait until at least mid morning in case duty doc waits for my GP to be in. And she said I can refer them to her email if I don't feel comfortable explaining direct to receptionist.
Very well done for being honest with your OT. That was a great step. I know there are some positives and some worries but hopefully you will get some good support that you deserve.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I am currently panicking about how honest I was (see my RV for more detailed rambling). Like I mostly don't want to die but I want the option. And I barely have the option due to FND anyway and lack of independence. And so moving meds and letting partner know have been more actively suicidal and telling professionals they all make it even less an option as they make acting on thoughts if I decide I want to harder and I am conflicted about that.
Going to try and rest as phonecall plus still recovering from Covid and having flaring asthma and FND have combined to leave me exhausted. Struggling to switch off though
I can understand that. It is such a conflict. I for one am really glad you were honest and can hopefully be safe and get some support. But I know it can be a recurring battle in your head. Is there some music you can focus on or something like that that might be able move your mind somewhere else even just a bit and is also a restful activity?
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Got woken up by duty GP calling me. Didn't make complete sense on the phone just now but had just woken up so probably why. Apparently my OT's email wasn't the clearest. Duty GP suggested ringing First Response again as they could get Home Treatment Team involved I said I wasn't sure about that. And that right this second wasn't planning on acting on anything but that I have been getting impulsive thoughts.
She seemed somewhat reassured but said sounds like do need some help as I have no follow up planned and am getting fairly regular suicidal thoughts. She said it's good they are less than they were though. And has booked in a call with my GP tomorrow afternoon. And asked if I thought I could keep myself safe until then and I said probably.
Mentioned medication is in other room where partner is she said would it be better to formalise partners control over meds but I didn't want to do that.
Bad that this GP called while I was asleep as I didn't make much sense/ articulate myself well. And accordingg to Duty GP neither did my OT.
And I think I was annoyed about being woken up and didn't really know how I was feeling as I just woke up but seem to have reassured her. Don't know if this reassurance is entirely valid.
I don't really know what I am going to be or what is going on in my brain. Thinking of calling somewhere. Just trying to decide between charity crisis line and first response/ crisis team.
Just woke up disorientated as anything and a bit distressed after a weird sleep (fell back asleep sometime around 6:30pm) where I kept partially waking up in a dissociative state and had dreams of suicide and also when finally came to had a non epileptic seizure and half fell out of bed.
Turns out waking from a deep sleep to be asked about suicidal thoughts is unsettling. Especially when subconsciously you had been trying to ignore them. Also I have a headache.
I am hopinn gwill explain better to GP tomorrow afternoon. Should be better if not half asleep/groggy.
Called charity crisis line got to point in call where I had expressed some suicidal impulses that I had at that second and my choices were tell my partner, ring first response or the call handler would have to call emergency services. Because call handler had a duty of care and I was expressing about wanting to act on the suicidal impulse. We were at a bit of a stalemate for a while but eventually I agreed to not tell partner everything but to give him bare bones of how I was feeling and stay with him so I wasn't alone and couldn't do anything. And made a safety plan including that, and listening to my music and cuddling my lion. Partner has fallen asleep while I am still awake but I am right next to him and at least for now don't think I am going to try and sneak off.
It's hard. And part of me doesn't want to keep fighting, I am so damn tired. But there is still a small part of me that isn't convinced suicide is the answer and so I am trying not to act on impulse.
Well done for phoning. I know this is such a tiring fight but please keep trying to convince yourself not to act on impulse. I hope your GP is helpful today.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Feeling really unsettled right now. Not got impulse to do anything really. But I think I am getting anxious about GP call this afternoon. I don't know what I want outcome of call to be. I think OT wanted me to get assessed by CMHT I am not sure if I want that but it does sound sensible.
As for keeping safe over weekend I don't know I am phoning places so I am reaching out. I am trying but I really don't know. Don't know what home treatment team would really do. Does anyone have an idea of what they would do / if they would be helpful?
Our HTT aka Crisis Team come and see you every day and talk to you. When I was with them recently they organised prescriptions. They also organised a mental health act assessment when they wanted me sectioned. Don't want to scare you but they can do that.
Well at the moment ball is in my court about whether I want home treatment team. Whether that changes we will see but I have a choice right now. Just was something duty GP suggested as a potential option that we could arrange through first response.
I am not sure how people coming in my house every day would help. I guess regularly having people to talk to might be helpful. But I would still have to reach out when things got bad anyway cos I am getting impulses at random times, mostly at night. So probably would be okish when they turned up and struggling later you know?
I know they can arrange for someone to section you, I have never been sectioned but I don't think I am that point. Like I haven't tried anything, My control is shaky but I am just about in control.
Maybe they could offer you regular phone calls instead of coming to your house. I know that would still mean you having to reach out at other times but it might be good to have some regular support for a while.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I might be more comfortable with phone calls than people in my house to be honest. People phoning at some point in a time window isnt easy to deal with but them turning up and not even know who will turn up that's harder. Although sometimes face to face makes it easier to open up at home that might not be the case.
Had enough strangers in my house at random times lately with ambulances for asthma anyway, it's been a really hard 2 months. Although to be fair to the ambulance people they were all great, apart from one crew who were technician led not paramedic led and as such were much more by the book. Most of the crews listened to me, gave me treatment I needed for my asthma, talked me into hospital when that was the right call but I was fed up of going in, but left me at home when that was a safe thing to do. Some were extra good an understanding, listened to the trauma behind why hospital is so hard for me let me let a little of it out.
GP phone call should be happening at some point after 2:30pm. Will try really hard to be honest with him about the suicidal bits and everything really, to ask for CMHT assessment as a medium term thing and work out best way to keep me safe short term and if that is home treatment team or not.
I hope that the GP call is useful and they can arrange helpful support. HTT is always a bit of an intrusion but if they can do phone calls, that sounds like it might be a good compromise?
'It's an impossible choice ... I'll just have to hope that when I flip the coin it somehow explodes and kills me.'
"You're not scared of climbing mountains. You're scared that you can't make them move."
GP call was sort of ok. He is going to do referral to CMHT for assessment and has booked an appointment for him to check in again in a fortnight.
I tried to explain myself but felt like I couldn't quite convey seriousness. He is generally good but better face to face this was a triage slot so he only had 5 minutes allotted to speak to me so was a bit rushed. He said if it gets to the point where I am not sure I can keep myself safe the first response / crisis team is who I have to call. He didn't mention home treatment team.
I did say how I was more honest with OT yesterday than I was with crisis team last weekend. So thinking for myself maybe what I need to do is ring crisis team and be as honest as I was to OT and see what next steps are from there.
